I just don't know what to do.

[mountain_tiger]

Link to original post: [drupal=2109]I just don't know what to do.[/drupal]



For many years, I always thought that I was heterosexual. Up until the age of 13 or so, I was only really interested in girls. But then the ambiguity came. I suddenly found girls less and less attractive and boys more attractive some of the time, yet the reverse on others. However, around six months or so ago, I came to the conclusion that all in all I'm equally attracted to both men and women, sexually and emotionally.

OK, so here's the problem. I'm afraid to actually tell anyone about it. I've haven't actually dated anyone in my life (which is probably pretty bad for a 16 year old, but that's besides the point), so in a sense I haven't given any indication of my sexuality. When a conversation on sexuality and stuff came up, I casually dropped that I was bisexual. But they didn't believe me; according to them 'Bisexuals are people who are trying to cover their homosexuality', which is a load of manure if you ask me, but that's what they believe. And with other people around here, you get ostracized for being gay, and more so for being bisexual, so I can't really tell anyone who isn't amongst my friends either.

And then there's my family. Put simply, I have no idea what their reaction would be. My family is Christian, but not hugely so. As in, they believe in God, get their children christened and stuff, but they don't go to church, refuse to work on Sundays or abstain from meat on Fridays, if you know what I mean. On the one hand, they probably wouldn't even need to know. I could simply date no one but girls, ignoring guys I find attractive, so that they never suspect a thing. But then, that would essentially be surpressing myself, and being someone I don't want to be. Chances are if I did tell them, then it'd probably be very awkward after that, and then it would spread, leading to more awkwardness, since everyone else in my family is straight (or has surpressed their urges, one of the two). Not to mention that some of the more Christian family members would probably look down on me forever.

But I'm not sure if I can conceal the truth much longer. I've already had to keep it in for around six months now, and I have no idea what to do. Does anyone else who's bisexual have any experience with this sort of situation? How did you get around it in your case?

tl;dr I'm bisexual, and I want to tell my family, but I'm not sure if they'll respect me afterwards. What do I do?

 

[Skadorski]

Yay you had a TL;DR
But seriously, the best thing to do is to just tell them. It isn't good to hide things from your parents, they're the best people to talk to. It might not be a good response from them, but it's the best thing to do.

 

[RyuReiatsu]

I'm 100% straight, so I won't ever get to live something like that. Unfortunately...
But hey, I'm 16 ans technically never had a girlfriend either. Don't sweat on this.

Now, focusing on your problem...
Try PMing Teran maybe? Or he might get to see this blog. But somehow, he feels more and more absent lately. Well, hm... What you could do is maybe talk about it with your closest friend first? That is... if you're pretty sure he'll accept you nonetheless. My only idea right now, which isn't a good one.... is to wait 'til you're 18 to tell them about it. But that's gonna be hard on you, so don't listen to me. Good luck bro.

 

[deepseadiva]

There's a SWF Social Group if you haven't seen: http://www.smashboards.com/group.php?groupid=173

Be sure to join and ask there.

 

[Kinzer]

IMO, you might as well come out and confess, it's not good to bottle up emotions, and if your family loves you, then they won't care what you do or who you are, nothing will change except you'll maybe drift apart from family members who don't really understand the meaning of "family" to begin with.

This is just me and my advice though, perhaps you should wait and see if other people can give you better advice before you decide to do anything.

 

[Pakman]

I am straight and I first dated a girl a little before I turned 17. That in itself is not too unusual.

I have a gay cousin and our whole family is Catholic (many of them go to church on a regular basis). She came out a few years ago and although it was initially a family-gossip type issue, nothing really changed. I wouldn't suggest coming out at like Thanksgiving dinner or something, but I would suggest telling your parents. It can get pretty awkward but if that is the worst of it, I think you will feel better in the long run.

Every gay person I have ever known, which is quite a few, has had a good relationship with their parents (including one that was addicted to drugs and got into a lot of mess with the law). So in my experience on the family end you should be pretty ok after some initial awkwardness.

Friends are a little trickier. Assuming they are around the same age as you, they might view bisexuality as a pariah to the group. Teenagers aren't as logical as you'd want them to be. I hope you have somebody you can truly trust to come out to. But I definitely suggest finding at least one person.

Sorry to bring back my personal experience again, but my high school was VERY unfriendly to people of different sexual orientation. Not one person publicly came out. My graduating class was about 300 people. So my suggestion is come out to your family and maybe a trust worthy friend. If you test the waters and people are not as accepting, it might be something you want to keep to yourself.

Most importantly though, don't lie to yourself. Its one thing knowing who you are and keeping it mostly to yourself temporarily. It is a whole different beast not knowing who you are. Its good that you have defined your orientation as bisexual, but don't think your emotions are stuff are done developing. Try and stay identified as something. Because that is much better then being in that confusion of not knowing.

 

[PhoenixoKaZe]

I`m like that too, cept my family accepted me already yaays, as for friends, hve to be more careful, confession is likely, cause bottling up hurts so much if hold in for long yrs (hurts alot o-o)

 

[Clownbot]

Tell them. If they're your family, they should respect your decision, whether or not they approve of it.

 

[ETWIST51294]

Ken says "stop maining peach and you'll magically turn, not gay".

Seriously, you will get through it. I HAVE TRUST IN YOU!!!

 

[Teran]

Tell them when you leave home.
There's a homo's .02

 

[highfive]

well, as a concerned netizen I could say that perhaps you should decide as to what you'd like in life in the future, whether you'd like a "normal" family; wife, children, dog, or go an alternate route and have a "alternative" family; husband, adopted child, cat. It really depends on what you'd like to see as your future since it's yours and not your parents.

 

[Teran]

Lol, I'd never adopt a child with a husband.
That shniz is messed up imo.

Not to mention how hard the kid would get it at school.

 

[highfive]

Lol, I'd never adopt a child with a husband.
That shniz is messed up imo.

Not to mention how hard the kid would get it at school.

I dunno, I say my blood brother's adopted and he says so himself, odd thing is that girls like to comfort him because of it. perhaps girls would like it?

 

[Teran]

I dunno, I say my blood brother's adopted and he says so himself, odd thing is that girls like to comfort him because of it. perhaps girls would like it?

Having 2 dads on the playground is a nono.
He'd get ripped mercilessly.

Boys, we ruin lives as a childhood occupation.

 

[highfive]

Having 2 dads on the playground is a nono.
He'd get ripped mercilessly.

Boys, we ruin lives as a childhood occupation.

Really? I find no evil in that. I mean, sure, there will be people who dislike anyone who isn't heterosexual but there will be a majority of those people who like at pr0n that wouldn't exactly qualify as "normal" by that I mean wearing latex suits and whatnot.

 

[Teran]

Really? I find no evil in that. I mean, sure, there will be people who dislike anyone who isn't heterosexual but there will be a majority of those people who like at pr0n that wouldn't exactly qualify as "normal" by that I mean wearing latex suits and whatnot.

You don't speak for the general population.
Children, especially in Elementary School, are merciless *******s.

Just trust me, this isn't fairytale land, kids with 2 dads would have a crappy existence.

 

[highfive]

You don't speak for the general population.
Children, especially in Elementary School, are merciless *******s.

Just trust me, this isn't fairytale land, kids with 2 dads would have a crappy existence.

*Shrugs*
Alright. I have a few gay/bisexual friends but that doesn't matter to me. I guess it's how I see the world now, perhaps I have not been exposed to as what actually goes on.
I would imagine Elementary kids would be that way. One tried to bite my but.

 

[illinialex24]

I'm straight and I do the hell I want. Do the same. Just do it, if they hate you, its their fault.

 

[Timbers]

cool on topic bro


And I wouldn't recommend dating to anyone younger than 16 anyways. Anything younger is just a dumb fling and you'd probably kill yourself over it. Also having a steady income (for a dependent still attending high school, anyways) is a really nice perk to fueling a relationship. Money is cool yo.

And I don't know your parents so I can't say anything. If you think it might blow up in your face, wait until you're not entirely dependent on them and have some form of cushioning just incase (a place to stay, money, etc.)

A friend of mine is waiting to tell his dad until after his college classes are over because he doesn't want to risk the financial support his dad is giving him for college.

Just saying, it's different for everyone and your judgment is going to be better than ours...again, you know your parents (and family), we don't.

 

[highfive]

cool on topic bro


And I wouldn't recommend dating to anyone younger than 16 anyways. Anything younger is just a dumb fling and you'd probably kill yourself over it. Also having a steady income (for a dependent still attending high school, anyways) is a really nice perk to fueling a relationship. Money is cool yo.

And I don't know your parents so I can't say anything. If you think it might blow up in your face, wait until you're not entirely dependent on them and have some form of cushioning just incase (a place to stay, money, etc.)

A friend of mine is waiting to tell his dad until after his college classes are over because he doesn't want to risk the financial support his dad is giving him for college.

Just saying, it's different for everyone and your judgment is going to be better than ours...again, you know your parents (and family), we don't.

Good words. Although I'd have to disagree with the dating part, dating in high school sort of prepares you as to what to expect in a relationship later on.

To stay on topic, If you truly feel like this will impact your life tremendously and fear that your parents will reject you then perhaps you should break it to them softly bit by bit.

 

[Timbers]

Good words. Although I'd have to disagree with the dating part, dating in high school sort of prepares you as to what to expect in a relationship later on.

Bro you're barely a sophomore when you hit 16 (in a generalized sense). You've got at least two good years of high school to form legitimate relations with others. Anything before that is probably going to end in a terrible blazing inferno of immaturity and emo crap. You're hardly able to take care of yourself as it is at that age (or younger), let alone another person.

Just saying.

 

[Aurasmash14]

Bro you're barely a sophomore when you hit 16 (in a generalized sense). You've got at least two good years of high school to form legitimate relations with others. Anything before that is probably going to end in a terrible blazing inferno of immaturity and emo crap. You're hardly able to take care of yourself as it is at that age (or younger), let alone another person.

Just saying.

Timbers has said the wisest thing i heard all week.

 

[highfive]

Bro you're barely a sophomore when you hit 16 (in a generalized sense). You've got at least two good years of high school to form legitimate relations with others. Anything before that is probably going to end in a terrible blazing inferno of immaturity and emo crap. You're hardly able to take care of yourself as it is at that age (or younger), let alone another person.

Just saying.

erm... I'm 15, and a Junior. And the relationships I've had have not been emo crap since most of the people I go out with have been older than me. They went out in a blaze of good will on both parts. hm. Guess I'm the exception. Why would you take care of someone else?

 

[RyuReiatsu]

Really? I find no evil in that. I mean, sure, there will be people who dislike anyone who isn't heterosexual but there will be a majority of those people who like at pr0n that wouldn't exactly qualify as "normal" by that I mean wearing latex suits and whatnot.

Trust Teran's words.
Imagine being 7 years old and not able to invite your friends at home.
They ask you why and you give some random crap excuse because you don't want to say: I have 2 dads.

I'm straight and I do the hell I want. Do the same. Just do it, if they hate you, its their fault.

It's also their fault that his life is going to be **** because he'll get persecuted.

 

[El Nino]

I've haven't actually dated anyone in my life (which is probably pretty bad for a 16 year old, but that's besides the point), so in a sense I haven't given any indication of my sexuality.

If it makes you feel any better, I know people who didn't start dating until they were 26 years old.

I've already had to keep it in for around six months now, and I have no idea what to do. Does anyone else who's bisexual have any experience with this sort of situation? How did you get around it in your case?

Could this possibly have anything to do with the other problem you mentioned in an older post?

If it comes down to maintaining your reputation in front of your extended family at the expense of your personal happiness, I don't think it's worth it.

But like Teran says, you might want to wait until you move out before telling your family. At least that way you'd have a place to go to if things get too awkward.

The rest depends on your family, and you know them more than anyone else here. You could, however, try to bring up the subject of sexual orientation with them to see where they stand. If there's something on the news, or a movie, or something that pertains to sexual orientation, you could try to start a conversation with them about that. Someone I know started a conversation with his friends about a proposed same-sex marriage law in his state just to see how they'd react. He found out that his closest friends completely did not support homosexuality. And that may have factored into his decision to move across the country to be with his boyfriend rather than stay in the town where he grew up.

tl;dr - You're sixteen and you haven't dated anyone. It may still be too early to tell. Wait until you have some experience first before you decide whether or not to tell your family. Try to find something that will help you keep calm and positive because this issue seems to be causing you some anxiety. If the anxiety gets really bad, you may want to deal with that first before making any decisions.

 

[Timbers]

erm... I'm 15, and a Junior.

you're graduating high school at 16/a very early 17.


and you live in the states.

Odd.

Why would you take care of someone else?

that's kind of the point of a healthy relationship. You put them before yourself. meet their needs before yours. take care of them before you take care of yourself.

 

[mountain_tiger]

Since a few people here figured I should tell them (no way could I keep it quiet for 2-5 years), I decided to tell my mum. The conversation went as follows:

Me: Mum, I have something important to tell you.
Her: What is it?
(Cue five second pause as I pluck up the courage)
Me: I'm bisexual.
Her: Why do you think that?
Me: I'm attracted to both men and women. Simple.
Her: But you've never had a sexual relationship. How can you know?
Me: Because there are men I find attractive and women I find attractive?
Her: There's nothing wrong with liking men...
Me: Not liking. Finding attractive.
Her: So you're telling me that if you had a sexual relationship, you'd stick your ***** up his ***?
Me: Yes.
Her: So if you were shown a picture of a naked man and a naked woman, which would you find more attractive.
Me: I'd find them equally attractive. That's the whole point.
Her: Well, you can't know for sure. You should wait a few years until you've been out with some people. Besides, very few people are truly bisexual.
Me: That doesn't mean there are none at all.

In other words, she thinks I'm going through some sort of phase.

 

[:mad:]

In other words, she thinks I'm going through some sort of phase.

Tell her that she might be right. There's no sense arguing your point to someone that won't believe you.

 

[ndayday]

So then have a few relationships and wait a few years before you bring it up again.

She pretty much gave you the requirements for her accepting your bisexuality. That's the way I see it.

 

[Pakman]

Well do you feel better that you got it off of your chest and you weren't disowned?

She thinks you are confused rather then bisexual, despite you being pretty sure of the way you are. I am not sure if your mom thinking you are confused is a concession you are willing to make. It might take a while for something like that to sink in with her, but as stated above she did give you her parameters.

 

[mountain_tiger]

Well do you feel better that you got it off of your chest and you weren't disowned?

Yes. Just so long as she doesn't tell anyone else just yet (I made her promise not to).

She thinks you are confused rather then bisexual, despite you being pretty sure of the way you are. I am not sure if your mom thinking you are confused is a concession you are willing to make. It might take a while for something like that to sink in with her, but as stated above she did give you her parameters.

I can sort of understand what she's saying, tbh. It just seems a bit... actually, I don't know what word to use to describe it .

 

[El Nino]

Well, I guess that went...okay? I mean, it could have gone worse.

The whole "bisexuals don't exist" line is fairly common. You get to look forward to more of that in the years to come.

Her: So you're telling me that if you had a sexual relationship, you'd stick your ***** up his ***?

Yeah, I think if my mother were to ever say anything like that to me I would probably shut down and start going into convulsions.

 

[bobson]

Her: So you're telling me that if you had a sexual relationship, you'd stick your ***** up his ***?

I didn't read the thread, but bahahahahahahahaha

 

[SkylerOcon]

I hate it when people tell me bisexuals don't exist. It's actually complete heterosexuality and homosexuality that don't exist. If you can tell when somebody of the same sex is more attractive that another. Assuming you were male, and example of this would be if I were to give you a picture of Forrest Gump and a picture of, say, Matt Damon. Everybody will say Matt Damon is more attractive, unless they're joking around. They're able to tell this, because some part of their mind likes males. Not a very large part, but there's still enough 'gay' in them for them to be able to tell an attractive man from an unattractive man.

 

[TP]

Lol, I'd never adopt a child with a husband.
That shniz is messed up imo.

Not to mention how hard the kid would get it at school.

Having 2 dads on the playground is a nono.
He'd get ripped mercilessly.

Boys, we ruin lives as a childhood occupation.

You don't speak for the general population.
Children, especially in Elementary School, are merciless *******s.

Just trust me, this isn't fairytale land, kids with 2 dads would have a crappy existence.

Wow, you live in an awful place. My uncle and his partner have 3 adopted kids (from Guatemala) and they are perfectly happy and healthy. They have friends at their house all the time. The oldest (11) plays Brawl with me sometimes and is great at soccer (like reaelly great). Try living in an area where you don't have 7 year old elitist douchebags.

On topic, that's messed up that your mom wouldn't really believe you. Sounds like denial to me. You should drop it for now with her. Bringing it up again won't accomplish anything. Find a friend who you can trust and confide in them, though. If you have no such friend, you need better friends.

I'm 18 and I have never had a girlfriend or kissed a girl. Life's a *****.

 

[El Nino]

if I were to give you a picture of Forrest Gump and a picture of, say, Matt Damon. Everybody will say Matt Damon is more attractive, unless they're joking around.

Well, in all fairness, even if a guy did find Forrest Gump more attractive than Matt Damon, your argument would still stand because he's still judging another male based on attractiveness.

EDIT: However, my brother swears he can't tell if a guy is good looking or not. He may or may not be lying.

I hate it when people tell me bisexuals don't exist.

It just occurred to me. When people say that, do they have evidence, or are they just saying it because that's what they want to believe?

 

[mountain_tiger]

It just occurred to me. When people say that, do they have evidence, or are they just saying it because that's what they want to believe?

Some people seem to find it hard to believe that someone can be attached to both men and women. Why do they find it hard to believe? I don't know...

Though the way I see it, if someone masturbates to men and women alternately, then could anyone argue that this is not the act of a bisexual?

 

[XFadingNirvanaX]

Some people seem to find it hard to believe that someone can be attached to both men and women. Why do they find it hard to believe? I don't know...

Though the way I see it, if someone masturbates to men and women alternately, then could anyone argue that this is not the act of a bisexual?

The way they were raised as a child, their environment, and religious beliefs mostly. My class has been told that if you're bi, you'll be happier with the opposite sex. I lol'd.

It could be seen as bisexual, but it's also possible it's a phase. I'm not saying you're going through a phase, but it's still a possiblity. The only person who really knows at the end is you.

 

[Clownbot]

I think the main reason some say bisexuality doesn't exist is something about genetics. Some say that homosexuality isn't a choice, being genetically fueled, while it's impossible for someone to be attracted to both men and women.

Spoiler

I'm, for the most part, a horribly misinformed person, so correct me if I'm wrong here.

 

[Pakman]

Well from what I have read/heard which is nowhere near proven fact is that the development of the physical sex organs and brain development are largely different processes. In the womb, your sex is basically determined at some point and your embryo forms whichever genitals.

Your brain chemistry is largely developed by various hormones and is a pretty active process during early childhood and puberty. In this industrial age, high amounts of estrogen have been found in the water supply and other consumable goods. This could explain how young males develop an attraction to the same sex.

Again I am still pretty skeptical about all this but it does give you something to think about.