You can put me down as a 0 for equanimity. I dropped out of games due to the combination of inactivity and some guy coming out in the last 5 minutes of the day throwing a Hail Marry Pass to save the game and that tilted me when they got full thread control. All the time I was thinking, you realize you are seceding authority to this guy just based on who they are and not how they played the game. That's why I wish if Zen was serious about this list, he could step back and be honest that there is something contrarian about him assigning himself a mediocre theory of mind score and then defending this laundry list of numbers when there are meme ratings in there. Maybe there's something within me that just gets agitated when there is something that exists between the line of serious and troll. But I hate pseudoscience or the faux pas application of even PSYC-101 terms to attempt to legitimize something.
I've noticed that in order to get along with people these days, you really need to suck their **** 24/7. Especially girls, they really do think that every opinion they hold is immutable in its own rights and an inspired act of God. Like when they discover the concept of a correlation, they think it's ingenuous and they have it put it on twitter. I wish that people were more objective, but then again perhaps I'm just too antagonistic. I realize as I reach my late 20s that I am missing that drive for companionship that cause some men to go head over heels in the pursuit of some *****. I still find myself more defined by my failures, my weakness as a human being, and the fear that my plans for survival are largely insufficient. When it comes to surviving, I see people who have lost everything. I've seen nursing homes strip a paraplegic of their home, their car, and their right to existence outside of the nursing home because they can no longer self sustain themselves. When you have nothing to your name, then can you really consider that living?
When you are faced with that or when you have gone through some of the stuff
ranmaru
has gone through being homeless it changes you. I don't know, maybe there's a mental disorder like YIPS associated with the refusal to forget that moment when you were the most broken to the point that you honestly considered suicide to be a viable option. Then when you transition to that to hanging out with some yuppie girl with cute hair and a nice trust fund, she is trying to let you in by talking about Netflix and common interest points. But she doesn't know you, she doesn't look like she has had to cut deep into herself and ask her if she was thrown on the street with nothing to live for if she would also choose to fight everyday to make her life matter.
Then I come back here and I'm staring at these number rankings and Zen sort of being a douchebag assigning some random piece of **** numbers to people as if he could piece meal a holistic assessment of a single person when a psychiatrist can only figure out patterns of behavior, but are still far away from understanding why those patterns exist. Sometimes I wish that we could just be real, talk about how we really feel, instead of going through all this nonsense about doing X, Y, or Z as if that were what it was really about. Perhaps I'm asking for too much. Perhaps for some people the cut is too deep and if they open up then they expect others to jump into the rescue and to fit the pieces inside them. Maybe other people are afraid of exposure or just have the right people that they expose themselves to on a regular basis. I never believed in an internal posse, I suppose I'm again too afraid of develop a bias and being too...comfortable with a given system. Who knows.
