A day in the life of the Smash dads:
The sound of Fox's reflector is rampant among the programmers, but it isn't coming from any gameplay. It was actually Sakurai's custom made music with his favorite songs synced to the steady beat of multi-shining. There were only two programmers responsible for adjusting characters movesets to non-*********** total and they were each back-to-back masturbating to Tekken porn.
Mid-fapping, one of the programmers, Satoshi was his name, or, Sato, for short, says, "Hey, man, we should probably get to... OHHHHOHHHHHUWAAAAAAH!" He ended his sentence prematurely when, while conversing, had the random thought of the recovery time on Guile's Sonic Booms.
"What was that?" Asked Cheap Peach, the other programmer. He was from a different nation from Satoshi, another world, for he had d*cks where his nipples were supposed to be, with each one needing attention, so, as you can imagine - go ahead and put that picture in your head, the picture of a man with d*ckles - blowing his load was extremely difficult.
Satoshi responded to Cheap Peach's question, "Oh, nothing, man. I just finished my date with Palmela Handerson." Cheap Peach groaned in jealous frustration, "Satoshi, why can't I ever get myself to burp the worms? I've tried everything, even looking into the future. I looked at Dr. Peepee's Falco, RedHalberd's Meta Knight, SleepyK's Bowser, BANKS namesearching, Sudai's posting style, IHSB's apartment, Inui's arguments, VietGeek's taste in anime, mc-killa and Kola in general, Skeletal Minion's Hakumen, Dacidbro's Bang, King of Fighters 2002UM's netcode, Zeru Barton's name changes, the entirety of AllisBrawl, CapcomUnity, and Gamefaqs, Kadaj's fashion sense, NC's unfounded superiority complex against Alabama, people that complain about 360 controller and don't complain about Playstation controller because they use an arcade stick anyways, Matt4300's obsession with himself, the heavy advantage Spartans have over Elites in Invasion Slayer, Twinster saying, "Falco can't kill," ADHD's bananas, Ally's massive tilts, Dabuz's Olimar, and I've even thought about the Chu Dat Chronicles, but none of these things are ******** enough to make to misfire my Luigi's!"
Satoshi felt an immense pity for Cheap Peach. He too, had once had the pain of never releasing the beast. If it wasn't for ******** game design, he'd be lost, but it seems Cheap Peach needs something even more ******** than Xaltis's gifs, Twin_A's reposts in You Laugh, You Lose, Serin's lack of coolness, Emily's ability to keep a secret, Ace's distance from NC, the 20%health risk and 100% health reward of Hakumen's j.D, Praxis's belief that Peach has an advantage on everyone in Brawl, and the Conjuration level required to summon the great Aeon, Xyro, but what could possibly be at that next level?
Satoshi patted Cheap Peach on the back and said, "Don't worry, bro, you'll get there someday, you just have to keep chaingrabbing until you knock out that stock." Cheap Peach turned around to look at Satoshi - his flacid nipples flopped in a circular motion several times, much in the manner of jiggle physics in Dead or Alive... go ahead and imagine it, the flopping, flacid... probably irritated appendages swaying side-to-side - and said, "Do you really mean it?"
"Of course I do," Sato earnestly replied as he stood to his feet. "Now come on, they're about to show us the new character for Melee." Cheap Peach followed after Satoshi as they each dressed in their work attire and left for the adjacent room - the Demonstration Room.
The Demonstration Room was, for the most part, empty, aside from a large projector screen at the end of the room and the businessman standing by. "Greetings, my name is Professional Character Creator, Sir William Underscore." The man spoke in a decidedly arrogant tone, as if he would chose a character he doesn't main in tournament while saying something along the lines of, "I could cut the crap and just use my main, but... nah," but he had the face of a trustworthy and kind Asian so Cheap Peach and Satoshi did not feel any sort of discomfort as they each introduced themselves.
"Now that the formalities are out of the way," said Will_ as he gestured toward the projector screen, "May I present to you, the latest character to be featured in Super Smash Bros. Melee..."
Cheap Peach's heart skipped just a little when he saw Princess Peach.
Will_ continued his presentation, "We were not satified with just creating Falco in this game. He had a ******** laser, a nice, 1-frame shine that practically did 80% damage for you, and a Dair that could pierce through the planet Earth itself, but he didn't quite have that ability to completely defy average fundamentals. We wanted someone more, someone greater, someone that could bring *********** to a new level." Will_ snapped his fingers and the projector presented a video.
Cheap Peach's heart rate accelerated when he saw the video.
"Now you may be wondering what this is. This, my friends, is the ability to do everything with one simple flick of the C-stick. It does approximately eleventy-billion damage and hits multiple times and destroys shields until it finally pokes through and it kills and it combos and it covers the entirety of the stage AND, because it's low to the ground, that obviously means it's an anti-air because it will stuff or, occasionally, trade, but always in her favor, but that is not all we have. Let me present to you, her -" The businessman lost his track of thought when he looked to Cheap Peach, "Excuse me, sir, are you okay?" Cheap Peach did not know where Will_'s concern was placed until he glanced downward and noticed the two protrusions from his chest. Embarassed, he said, "Oh, I'm so sorry. It
is rather chilly in here, I suppose. Please, carry on."
"Ah, certainly, I'm getting rather chilly in here myself." Satoshi knew better than to believe this lie. Will_ may believe Cheap Peach, but Satoshi knew better.
Cheap Peach had hard nipples.
"Now, I'm sure you understand that, in Melee, the characters are supposed to have a difficulty in getting back to the stage when launched. Well, Princess Peach is one of the exceptions. For starters, she has an amazingly good midair jump coupled with a highly unpredictable, mostly unpunishable, UpB that guarentees she makes it back to the ground without any fear, but here is the real kicker: She has the ability to float by holding the jump button and she can continously attack while floating!"
Oh man, Cheap Peach thought.
That's pretty ********.
"But of course, I'm sure you might be hesitant to attack in the air so we decided to add infinite priority and disjointed range to all of her aerials.
Oh man, that's mega ********.
"We also made it to where all of her aerials are super fast and combo into anything you want. We wanted to make a character that people could be creative with."
Oh man, that's uber ********. Cheap Peach was on the edge of his seat.
"Let's look at her aerials: Her Dair is a super disjointed, multi-hitting move, that shield-pokes and does eleventy-billion damage, of course, that also pops the opponent upwards so that she can do anything she wants. Her Upair is also super disjointed and pops people upwards so that she can do anything she wants. Her Bair extends all the way across the world and has no lag and pops people slightly upwards so that she can hit with whatever she wants. Her Fair extends all the across the planes of time and does infinity percent damage and allows her to combo into whatever she wants. It also has super ******** frame advantage. Her Nair comes out on frame negative eleven and extends all the way across the world, both ways, and breaks shields and also allows her to combo into whatever she wants, but that's not all."
Cheap Peach was in a catatonic frenzy, frozen to his seat, with an alarmingly rapid heart and breathing rate, begging for the next ******** bit of info.
"You may be thinking, 'This is just Ryu, so what?' But I have something more to tell you."
Cheap Peach couldn't stand to be teased any longer.
"You know how you usually get punished for whiffing moves? We've removed that distraction for Peach with her float ability. You can shorten her short hop with float and then attack. Once you land...
YOU.
HAVE.
NO.
LANDING.
LAG."
Cheap Peach was near the edge. He was about to explode for 250 base damage... he just needed one... more... ********... thing.
"YOU ARE RYU AND GUILE COMBINED!"
Hnng!
