Treacherous. Ridiculous. Mendacious. In case you can't tell, I'm making a direct reference to Princess Zelda. The key point of the following exposition is that Zelda's deeds will have consequences—very serious consequences. We ought to begin doing something about that. We ought to make an impartial and well-informed evaluation of the advantages and disadvantages of Zelda's plaints. We ought to spread the word that she wants to cast a chill over free speech and inquiry and the spirit of democracy. Why she wants that, I don't know, but that's what she wants.
Zelda thinks that a richly evocative description of a problem automatically implies the correct solution to that problem. However, she has created for herself premier victim status. Zelda uses this status to shield herself from scrutiny whenever she's caught achieving total world domination. Zelda's victim status also means that Zelda's enemies have to be cautious when suggesting that she is indeed up to something. I don't know exactly what, but Zelda has been digging a grave in which to bury liberty and freedom. It's time to even the score. I suggest that we begin by notifying people of the fact that Zelda believes that the moon is made of green cheese. Unfortunately, as long as she believes such absurdities, she will continue to commit atrocities.
Have you ever had a bad dream about Zelda trying to change children's values from those taught in the home to those considered chic by insidious lumpenproletariats? Well, I have news for you. That wasn't a dream; it was real.
Have you ever sat and listened to Zelda talk about how we have too much freedom? If so, you should be congratulated for successfully enduring the brainless nonsense dribbling from her mouth. I would much rather hear someone talk about how there's only one true drama queen around here, and Zelda is the one wearing the crown. I won't pull any punches here: She should stop bombarding us with her politically incorrect glaikery. In this context, the opposite of political incorrectness is not political correctness but rather an objective quest for knowledge. As we all know, most horny humanity-haters lack any knowledge about how Zelda's calumnies are a zero-sum game. That is, what helps Zelda and her brotherhood of bitter fanatics inevitably harms us. What benefits us must hurt them. The logical conclusion to draw is that Zelda keeps saying that she has the mandate of Heaven to eviscerate every bit of social progress of the past century. I suggest taking such statements with a grain of salt because she presents herself as a disinterested classicist lamenting the infusion of politically motivated methods of pedagogy and analysis into higher education. Zelda is eloquent in her denunciation of modern scholarship, claiming it favors stubborn exhibitionists. And here we have the ultimate irony because there is every indication that my task—our task—is to raise Zelda's associates from the dark depths of prejudice and tribalism to the majestic heights of understanding and brotherhood. That should serve as the final, ultimate, irrefutable proof that many people who follow her lectures have come to the erroneous conclusion that she serves as wisdom to the mighty and succor to the brave. The stark truth of the matter is that I once overheard Zelda say something quite astonishing. Are you strapped in? Zelda said that all any child needs is a big dose of television every day. Can you believe that? At least her statement made me realize that her victims have been speaking out for years. Unfortunately, their voices have long been silenced by the roar and thunder of Zelda's plenipotentiaries, who loudly proclaim that we have no reason to be fearful about the criminally violent trends in our society today and over the past ten to fifteen years. Regardless of those hopeless proclamations, the truth is that she doesn't want us to deliver new information about her moonstruck personal attacks. She wants us to behave like sheep, not showing any inclination to saunter off in a direction other than that in which the shepherdess (Zelda) wants us to go. Zelda intends to keep us sheep blissfully ignorant of the fact that I really dislike her. Likes or dislikes, however, are irrelevant to observed facts, such as that Zelda's opuscula were never about tolerance and equality. That was just window dressing for the “innocents”. Rather, after hearing about Zelda's neurotic attempts to use paid informants and provocateurs to rule with an iron fist, I was saddened. I was saddened that she has lowered herself to this level.
I appreciate feedback and other people's views on subjects. I don't, however, appreciate feedback when it's given in an unprofessional manner. Exclusionism is in Zelda's DNA. Zelda and her overbearing, fastuous pickthanks must cachinnate about this in private, knowing that Zelda is the type of person that turns up her nose at people like you and me. I guess that's because we haven't the faintest notion about the things that really matter such as why it would be good for her to confuse the catastrophic power of state fascism with the repression of an authoritarian government in our minds.
Every concert that Zelda attends rapidly degenerates into a free-for-all of slam dancing and scattered fistfights. I'll stand by that controversial statement and even assume that most readers who bring their own real-life experience will agree with it. At a bare minimum, there is no excuse for the innumerable errors of fact, the slovenly and philistine artistic judgments, the historical ineptitude, the internal contradictions, and the various half-truths, untruths, and gussied-up truths that litter every one of Zelda's essays from the first word to the last.
I myself love hearing the claims of a nutty spiv who doesn't realize that she's a nutty spiv. As a case in point, consider Zelda's claim that cynicism is the catholicon for all the world's ills. Such claims always make me laugh because, as we all know, a former member of Zelda's den of thieves has called Zelda an illogical weasel. I admire this person's courage, but I disagree with his use of the term “illogical weasel”. It's not solely because Zelda is an illogical weasel that she has been defusing or undermining incisive critiques of her stuporous behavior by turning them into procedural arguments about mechanisms of institutional restraint. Rather, she's been doing this because she likes to replace the search for truth with a situationist relativism based on carnaptious faddism. Such activity can flourish only in the dark, however. If you drag it into the open, Zelda and her comrades will run for cover like cockroaches in a dirty kitchen when the light is turned on suddenly during the night. That's why we must ensure that the values for which we have labored and for which many of us have fought and sacrificed will continue in ascendancy.
Zelda fails to see anything wrong with seizing control over where we eat, sleep, socialize, and associate with others. This bespeaks an investment of complex psychic import. That's why it helps to remember that Zelda avers that she opposes rebarbative insurrectionists who intensify or perpetuate totalitarianism. That's nothing more than ear candy. It's designed to gently stroke listeners, to get them to purr like kittens. The reality is that the problem with Zelda is not that she's uncompromising. It's that she wants to squander irreplaceable national treasures. Strange, isn't it, how the most illiberal palterers you'll ever see are always the first to trample over the very freedoms and rights that Zelda claims to support?
The point is that if everyone spent just five minutes a day thinking about ways to commit to practices that build community and eliminate behaviors that work against what we are dedicated to building, we'd all be a lot better off. Is five minutes a day too much to ask for the promise of a better tomorrow? I hope not, but then again, Zelda's witless ****-and-bull stories exploit the feelings of charity and guilt that many people have over the plight of the homeless. News of this deviousness must spread like wildfire if we are ever to cast an unfamiliar ray of sunshine over the ungrateful landscape of her biases. Zelda is not just featherbrained but proud of it. I won't dwell on that except to direct your attention to the misinformed manner in which she has been trying to develop mind-control technology. What can I do to prove to you that her beliefs (as I would certainly not call them logically reasoned arguments) do not pass muster by any objective standards? Show you evidence that Zelda is the most malign, snappish undesirable in the annals of Man? While that would undeniably help, she intends to create a new social class. Lackadaisical, fractious psychopaths, headlong, footling segregationists, and cullionly, disloyal madwomen will be given aristocratic status. The rest of us will be forced into serving as their servitors.
Zelda says that she needs a little more time to clean up her act. As far as I'm concerned, Zelda's time has run out. Here's a thought experiment for those of you who still think that there won't be any blowback from her treating anyone who doesn't agree with her to a torrent of vitriol and vilification: Imagine that a supernatural being came to you and, by way of a meandering Platonic dialogue, tried to convince you that might makes right. You'd astonishedly blurt out, “But Zelda provides simplistic answers to complex problems.” And that's the key point: We have much to fear from her. Personally, I'm afraid that sooner than you think, she'll impale us on a Morton's Fork: Either we let her foster debauchery, or she'll unleash an unparalleled wave of academicism. Regardless of which we choose, Zelda's self-aggrandizing campaigns of malice and malignity have created a class of dependent supplicants and special interests. Sadly, providing for their needs and wants is leading us towards economic sclerosis. All we can do now is wage war on escapism. Does anybody else feel the way I do, or am I alone in my disgust with Princess Zelda?
