Well I hope this thread isn't too old to be bringing back up. This seems a lot more lighthearted and nicer way to express my belief without fear of a slew of criticism and getting into a heated debate.
My story I feel is a little more unique because I've had many times of self doubt much similar to that of an atheist, but not quite.
So I was raised Catholic much like a few of the people here. Being young, I was simple minded and was taught to "love god unconditionally". At this point in my life, I was young and naive. I had what most would call "blind faith" I read my bible because I felt I was doing the right thing and doing the right thing made me feel better about myself. I was a little kid and I had someone to look up to and make proud, which is what a lot of kids take joy in doing. Ever see a kid at the grocery store just begging there mom to let them help carry their groceries? I have and on many occasions. The point of that is this: as a kid, you want to feel like your doing something that helps people. And sharing God with people and being a "good little boy" makes you feel great. At least for me it did. I was definitely not living the way I should have. As I got older I grew tiresome of how boring and uneventful both church, class after was. It was to the point where it was the same re-hashed sermons every time at our church. If it was May 23rd you knew what they were going to be talking about because it would be the same thing they talked about last year. No exaggeration because I once called it on my mom. I was like watch, this will be about ______. And sure enough it was. This was disheartening me and led to me being only a casual believer. I neither cared if I truly believed or what would happen. I just honestly was care free. I did what I wanted without fear of consequence. I may have said "I believe in God" but I truly didn't. In elementary school, I was a steadfast believer and the "nice guy" that no one liked being around. I was a goody two shoes to the max. Afraid to swear, always telling people that they should do something else because following God is the only way...blah blah blah. You get the picture. A religious snob in a way, but I was nice about it....very nice. And I was nice to everyone. Unfortunately for me, nobody liked a goody two shoes who didn't want to take risk so I got the daylights beat out of me everyday. I had to go home crying every day because I would rather read my bible then tease some dorky kids. (not that exact reason everyday, but you know what I mean) This led to me feeling very excluded and solitary. Even with a loving family, I felt alone. My faith was all that I really had to turn to, but since I was blind I wasn't really feeling anything. I wasn't trying to really feel God, I just expected him to make me feel better. And of course, it didn't work. I always felt worthless. So I got in an attitude of "F*ck god" entering junior high. Let's face it, everyone wants friends. And I, having none, caved into the pressure and did what I had to. However, this is both bad and good for me in my life. I may not be as spiritually sound as I was, but I was no longer blind. I was thinking on my own. I was doing what I really wanted to with my life. I had some control over what I did and what I believed. I wasn't afraid to slip up and swear a little. I wasn't afraid to poke fun at my friends if it was a good joke. People actually started to like being around me because I wasn't so uptight. Having friends felt good. So all the way up until high school I pretty much lived my life as in "I believe in God, but whatever.". My freshman year, my catholic church pulled what I believed was the final "stunt" for our family. They always asked for donations at least 3 times a church. Anyone who is catholic knows about the "guilt baskets" and if the person next to you put in 20 bucks, even if you were poor and had nothing left but that 20 bucks to hold you over for the next few days till you got paid...your mom and dad definitely put it in. It was a huge circle of Guilt and everyone was coerced into putting money in each time. Was multiple times really necessary? In my opinion, no. definitely not. But THIS itself is not the stunt. We were told they were trying so hard to raise money because the church was in a disgusting state and needed to be upgraded. (not the word I want, but whatever.) So we raised well over 200,000 dollars. WOW right? I mean thats a ton of money, but they were supposed to do a lot. Significantly remodel the church to be a little more modernized, fix the sidewalks, parking lot, the place where Sunday school was held would be MUCH bigger and easier to teach in, etc.
You know what they did? They bought land directly behind the church where an elementary school(that was direly needed for the community) was being built....and built basically a mini mansion for the church leaders. Aka, the priests and their henchmen as I call them. This disgusted not only my family, but me to the fullest extent. My mom was still going to go, but I convinced her that it was BS and we are not going there anymore. That was the first day my faith began slipping. I let hypocrites lead me to believe that God was flawed. And for the first time ever though, I was aware that religion is very flawed. Took me a long time, but I found out a lot of really made me uncomfortable.
So we switched to Christianity for the time being because it was less stressful and they didn't ask for donations. It seemed a temporary compromise. During this time, I started to become more and more aware of hypocrites and how no one could back up the idea of a God. The amount of non-believers was getting alarmingly high from what I had been used to. In high school, a vast majority of people were Atheist. I despised them. Not for their beliefs, but for their ignorance. All of them had chosen ultimately to not believe because Christians were snobby about their views. "Something bad happened to me with religion so I am not going to believe". I felt that was a ridiculous reason to not believe, but then I asked myself.
Why do I believe myself?
And then I came to one very depressing answer, I don't have a reason. I felt like I had been living a lie. But I pushed it under the rug. I doubted there could be a God due to logic, fallacies, hypocrisy(sp?), inconsistencies, and the main ultimate reason was I felt no comfort in the idea of a God. When I prayed, I felt nothing. When something bad happened, I asked myself "why would got let this happen?" So for about 3 years, I went without going to a church. I felt confident that whatever happened will happened. It was a safe view. "there could be a god and if there isn't...does it really matter?". I jumped up and down. Almost become atheist at one point because of all the terrible things going on in my life.
Then one day, I met my best friend, who was a believer, but only on her own terms. She dazzled me with her amount of knowledge about religion. Although, she wasn't enough to make me believe, she asked me why I don't have confidence in the idea of their being a God. And I told her "God has never been there for me" and she said something I did not expect "Who said God has to be there for you every time you ask him?" I was shocked to say the least. This went against a lot of the teachings of almost every religion. They almost RELY on you feeling something every time you pray. And she said "When god isn't talking back, he's listening" And that sounded almost ridiculous to me as well. I told her I was very confused and still had many doubts. She told me "no duh charles, we all do" and I said "what exactly am I supposed to do then" and she answered very honestly and openly "find out for yourself". So I did. I looked into things on my own and found no conclusive evidence of their NOT being a God, but I did conclude one thing and that was there is no correct religion because they all contradict each other. I also found the churches are all seemingly corrupt for the most part and teach the teachings with a vast amount of bias. So I did the last thing I felt I could while being stuck in the middle. I attempted to pray, but for the first time in my life I did it with an open heart. I asked if there was a God and if he was there, to give me some strength to decide what to do with my life. And what I felt was so empowering I felt it had to be a God. I went from a severe depression to extreme happiness within 2 days. Was this because I was trying a little too hard? Maybe. Was this god? Maybe, Maybe not. I won't know, but one thing is for sure. I felt something very powerful that day. I felt a comfort and spiritual power within me that no one could take away. I no longer had to follow by guidelines, I could believe in God anyway I wanted and believe whatever I wanted because I had this spiritual feeling to guide me. Whatever was right for me, was going to be right for me. Despite anything thrown at me, I had this empowering feeling and still have it. This is why I believe for the time being. Things could change in the future, but for now this feeling to me is undeniable and I am looking into it. I want to become much more knowledgeable on if there is a God and how I can present that to anyone who tries to shoot me down. For now though, I try to be as open minded as possible because looking back on my life, not being open minded has not been the best approach...I could very well be a catholic still. I may not know a lot, but I do know that I feel there is A GOD out there somewhere. Note use of the word "feel". I can never and probably will never know for certain if there is a God, but I do feel one for the time being.
And thats my story! sorry for posting such a long and boring story, but I felt this was a good place to feel better again about this whole topic since the last topic I posted in was very heated. I left a bit depressed at the realization I need more knowledge about my beliefs. I also apologize if this thread is too old.