COMMANDER: Salutations, Mr. Robo-Link MKIII. Today we have 8 different missions for you. What? What do you mean you're currently in the middle of fierce combat with a crocodile in a barrel? Bah, you used that same excuse last Tuesday! But even if you're correct, can't you at least multitask a bit you lazy a**wipe!?
It should be in your best interests to get these missions done, and done quickly. Don't worry, I'll be sure to make it worth your whille.....
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MISSION 1- PURRRFECT IS SUCH AN OVERUSED PUN
Can you help me mister robot men? My little kitty has been real unhappy lately, and I want her to be happy again! I'd do anything to get my kitty to cuddle up with me again! Anything!
- Lunar Sedian, age 6
COMMANDER: This mission should be easy enough. Once you accept it, we'll drop off the cat in question over at your location. Now I knew all about cats back in the university, so I should be able to figure out what's wrong. I want you to pick up the cat, much like you would hold an item, and carry it with you everywhere. Now don't think this'll be easy, as this cat seems to be quite on the chubby side; just carrying it will cut both your movement and your jump by half, making you significantly less mobile than usual. According to my calculations, just carrying it through the battlefield for 30 seconds should make it happy as a clam. I heard cats nowadays just love the smell of carnage of violence. It's like catnip laced with sex and even more sex. After that ordeal, we'll teleport the cat back to base.
Oh, and one thing I forgot to note is that, please, DO NOT have the Power Bracelets on while doing this mission. You'll end up squeezing the cat and...well, I don't want to even describe it. Just know that you'll automatically fail the mission.
Now the rewards for completing this task? Not only will I reward you 100 credits worth of rup33z, your movement speed and jump will be doubled for the rest of the match. Sounds almost as sexy as me! Almost.....you find me the sexiest, right? RIGHT?
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MISSION 2- DISREGARD THAT I SUCK CUCCOS LOL
Aw darnnabbit! My entire stock o' Cuccos got chased away by rabid Tektites when I wasn't lookin'! Ya'lls gotta help an old man out, y'hear! Them Cuccos be the lifeblood of mah farm, without them I'm nothin'! It's hard enough bein' a farmer nowadays, so just catch me them Cuccos! C'mon, why don't ya'll government honkin' contraptions make yerselves useful for once!?
-Fletus Melbrooke, age 64
COMMANDER: We've received reports that a flock of Cucco, 10 to be specific, are headed straight in your direction, and we have utmost certainty that they're the same Cucco in regards to the above mission. The Cucco will swarm at the stage one-by-one, and it's your job to pick the up; Don't worry, we'll automatically teleport them back once you catch it. Be wary however, those Cucco are feisty little bastards. They move very quick once you get near them, so proper timing and maneuvering is key. On uncommon occasions, some of them will even attack when provoked, doing a quick beak strike that does 6% damage with some knockback.
But most importantly of all, a Cucco automatically flies away if it's on the stage for more than 20 seconds. If just one of those 10 Cucco escape, the mission is OVER! You got that!? I'm sure you do. And like before, DO NOT wear the Power Bracelets for this one, unless you want chicken guts all over you.
Anyway, the payoff. When the mission is accomplished, I'll reward you 150 credits worth of rup33z along with disabling any benefits your opponent gets from collecting rup33z for the rest of the match. They can still try and collect the rup33z of course, they just won't gain any stat or health upgrades from it. This kind of stuff ain't easy, so you better appreciate what I do for once!
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MISSION 3- GOSAIMASEN, MR. ROBOTO
Erm, this is embarrassing. See, I'm an amateur engineer who mostly does freelance work. Now, I robot I made recently went completely awry, and flew off to a far-off location...where it then exploded. So um, you think you guys could find it for me? Or at least what remains of it? Thanks.
-Edwin Dawson, Age 26
COMMANDER: So by astonishing coincidence, we've managed to track the robot's location as being right on the battlefield where you're standing. Funny how that seems to work. But I digress, it's in your best interest to find those mechanical parts. And I say parts because it turns out the robot exploded into 5 pieces, and they all happen to be hidden completely underground. Now that's just hilarious! What you want to do though, is find all those parts for yourself. I've activated a dousing device in the form on an LED light on your head. When you get close to a part, you'll start beeping and your light will start flashing. So because of this mission, I've replaced your Down Smash attack with a move where you dig a hole in the ground with a spontaneous drill in your arm. However, I never actually expected an event like this, so I kinda...ended up using the cheapest drill I could find. Hahaha....ha..... anyway, that means you can only use this drill 10 times. Once you use it 10 times, the mission is completely over. This is much harder than it sounds, as the location of each of the parts is quite narrow, so you'll have to dig with utmost precision.
But hey, once you do accomplish that, I'll send you over back to base, where you'll give me a lovely Deku Baba leaf Oil massage~! ....what? Oh c'mon! Fine, I'll just give you 180 rup33z and cut the opponent's movement speed in half. (But you still totally owe me that massage after this is over, you sly-a**!)
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MISSION 4- THE MOB OF MOBLINS MOB A MOBILIZED MARKET
OH JESUS CHRIST, THERE'S MOBLINS, MOBLINS EVERYWHERE! OH GODAMMIT, I JUST MANAGED TO HIDE, BUT GET RID OF THESE MOBLINS QUICK- URK!
Chris Tankloton, 34(Deceased)
Mark three, you there? We've just got a report that a band of rabid Moblins are headed straight at your location. To be exact, there's a swarm of 20, all hostile. I don't want to be racist or anything, but Moblins tend to be crafty little punks. They're quite stocky, and often attack with various unauthorized beam swords and guns. A swing of a beam sword will deal 10% damage with low knockback, while a blast from their shotguns do 8~13% of damage, depending on how close you stand to them. Stamina-wise though, they can't keep up. They have only 10 points of Stamina, making them easy to overpower. Be warned though that Moblins often gang up in groups, to more than make up for that shortcoming.
While the Moblins do swarm the stage, they'll only directly go after you, MKIII. However, they still can attack the opponent by chance. On the same note, your opponent can also help take them down, though I'll be sure to give all the credit to you of course~!
Completing this assignment will net you a sweet 190 rup33z, and I'll heal all the damage you took along with increasing your defense by half! Aren't I just a sweetie!
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MISSION 5- USE YOUR MIGHT(KANO WINS)
Eeeeh, you think you dumb ol' metal rackets are tough stuff, do you? Pah! Back in my day, we had to smash up Icicle mountain, both ways, with a baby tucked between our legs, with a butterfly knife, punching chupacabras with brass knuckles along with a...a...a...zzzzzzzzZZzzzzzzzzzzzzz...buh WHAH? Oh yeah, and WE LIKED IT! Eh, now, uh, what was I talkin' about again..? Uuuhhh, oh yeah! Show me what you REALLY got by fighting a REAL enemy! Like the ones we had to do back in the REAL days! Bah!
-Cliff Fargaine, age 96
COMMANDER: Interesting little assignment we've got here, but the subject is paying quite a handsome amount, so who am I to disagree? So with that, I'm going to double your opponent's attack power by half for the rest of the stock, got it? You should be able to handle them you bad boy you, rawr~. Once you destroy one of the opponent's stock in this state, I'll consider the mission to be a success. As for your reward, you'll get 200 rup33z, and I'll double YOUR attack power in return. Sounds like a deal, right sweetie?
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MISSION 6- AGGRESSIVE DRUG DEALER
You..... I've got a good deal for you hunks of steel. I'm not going to give any information, but I've sent your boss guys a special pill of mine. What this pill exactly does is a secret. In fact, it's so secret, even I don't know what it does! That's where you come in: I need one of you to try and discover this pill's effects. Of course, if you're too chicken to try it yourselves, I'm sure you could try and force it on somebody else. Somebody you don't really like. I'm sure you government types have plenty of people like that, no?
-"Long Arm", age ???
COMMANDER: Hey, nobody says we can't do some dirty work around here too you know~. I've automatically transferred the pill to your hands, so you're in this whether you want to or not! How we're gonna do this is simple really: We're going to make the foe forcibly ingest this pill. To do that, you'll have to grab them, by which you'll simply stuff it down the poor guy's throat. Should be basic enough, now do it!
Oh hey, you did manage to do it and now....holy crap! Holy freaking crap! The stage is now swarming with copies of the opponent! Upon further scanning, I can see there's exactly 30 of them as well! Jesus, let's pray to god you didn't make Valozarg scarf that down! Okay, this should be easy, the clones clearly have much lower health than the actual character. Just a simple punch should do them in.
Okay, did you manage to destroy them all, scott-free? I know your opponent sure did have a blast making your life miserable throughout that ordeal! But don't worry, I'll make them pay! That's why I'll send you 150 rup33z, and bring that nasty foe's health up to 200%! That'll show them next time to hurt you, my lovely~!
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MISSION 7- SMIRKU TSU, MR. ROBOTO
MY FELLOW ROBO-LINKS, LISTEN UP. I'VE TAKEN THE WEEK OFF, BUT DURING MY VACATION, I'VE COME ACROSS A LOST EXPERIMENTAL MILITARY ROBOT. I'VE NEVER QUITE SEEN A MODEL LIKE IT, AND MY PROGRAMMED CURIOSITY HAS GOTTEN THE BEST OF ME. HOWEVER, I WON'T RISK TRYING IT OUT IN THE CURRENT RESORT VICINITY. I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST FOR ONE OF MY CURRENTLY ACTIVE COMRADES TO TRY IT OUT FOR ME. DO IT, DO IT, DO IIIT. AND DO IT QUICK TOO. THESE LOVELY HUMAN FEMALES WON'T GROPE THEMSELVES YOU KNOW. HAHAHAHA.
-Robo-Link Model I #958, age 4
COMMANDER: This mission is different, so buckle up! I'm going to replace your position with this experimental robot, while you control it from afar. We're going to do this for a whole minute, and I want you to inflict as much damage as possible with it in this one minute! Just for reference, the full schematics of this odd-looking robot can be seen here. Ugly, ain't it? But it's ever so important though! So important, if you get it knocked out, that'll be stricken from YOUR stock count, got it?
The main goal here is to inflict as much damage as possible! The scale goes like this: the amount of rup33z you get from this mission is x2 the amount of damage you inflict with the experimental droid. And as an added bonus, I'll double your defense power as well. Because I'm such a nice girl~.
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MISSION 8- WHY WOULD YOU DO THIS
Oh god, my baby! Please find my baby! I'll pay anything, ANYTHING! Just please help my baby out of that godforsaken forest, please!
-Tara Plesiek, age 39
COMMANDER: Okay, we have a bit of an emergency here. Turns out a Hyrulean child got lost in the...well, Lost Woods. Hey, they were kinda tempting fate with that one. So once you accept this mission, I'll quickly drop you off in the heart of the woods.(Along with your opponent, because hey why not.) The heat of the woods is a plain-looking place, with completely flat terrain. But don't get your guard down as a result, because once there, you'll instantly get attacked by a group of Moblins! They're the same ones I detailed above, and attack in a solid swarm of 20. After you get this done, you should be able to progress yourself forward. On the next screen, you'll come across a hilly place filled to the brim with bushes. There must be about 15 or so bushes on screen! Once you get to that particular area, I'll prompt you to look for a key somewhere. The key likewise should be hidden inside of the bushes, because why the hell would they be there in the first place? You can look in a bush by pressing the grab button.
Don't think this'll be easy pickin's though, as Moblins will still keep swarming you from all directions until you find it! Once you manage to find it however, I'll prompt you to push your way forward until you see a giant door. Open this door with your key, and you should find your way inside a damp, dark room. Just wait for a second though, as s**t really starts to hit the fan! It seems there's a boss battle approaching your location! But who could it be....wait...no....its-!
BOSS- SEX ROBOT
STAMINA- 200 HP
The Sex Robot comes humping his way on the stage, as it's made clear he's captured the Hyrulean child in a cage he keeps elevated. Once he makes in onto the stage, his annoying theme will start looping endlessly. He'll mostly shimmy across the flat, walk-off stage while saying annoying quips like, "Coming to your toooooooown." Be warned though, he's much faster than he looks. Once he has your sights set on you, he'll sprint-walk at you as quick as Captain Falcon!
ATTACKS-
Do you wanna get doooown?- The Sex Robot does a series of 3 pelvic thrusts, each bringing him 1 battlefield platform forwards. Each of those thrusts does a quite sexy 15% damage each, and some seriously good knockback. Better watch out man!
What does he waaaant?- Grab move. Sex Robot runs up and holds the player in his arms, before proceeding to dry-hump them like it's homecoming all over again. Just .2 seconds in this sexy beast's embrace is enough to do 2% damage, so break out quick!
Sexing up your tooooown- Sex Robot does a pelvic thrust, but this time, a giant laser fires out of his crotch instead! This has the exact same properties as a fully charged ROB laser, except SR can do this as much as we wants. Sexy.
Yeah hump the baaaars- The Sex Robot will pull down the cage where the Hyrulean child is trapped in, and start, well, humping the bars. Predictably, the child is in crying in fear. With this move, Sex Robot starts healing 10% damage per second, and the only way to break him out of it is to inflict 18~20% damage before he finishes humping the bars.(Which he can do for 7~15 seconds)
Alright! So, let's leave that nonsense behind us. Please. Really, I beg you. Anyway, you've rescued the child! And I've now sent that now-busted robot off to the judicial system. Seriously, let them deal with him, not me. But good news is, the reward for this quest is right in that dungeon you entered! It's the long-fabled Ultimo Sword! Swinging it is quite similar to swinging a beam sword, but it does...holy crap! 35~40% damage a swing! And don't get me started on the godlike knockback! And you get to keep it throughout the stock! That was worth all the trouble, right honey? Say I'm right, please? Please?
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I love you....~
