Note: In the voice of Hand Unit
Note: Disclaimers read at the bullet-like pace of an auctioneer
Note: Release dates omitted
Hello and welcome to the latest Fazbear Entertainment Direct, here to give you all the latest news on upcoming projects from your favorite entertainment mega-conglomerate (Disclaimer: Fazbear Entertainment does not actively suggest a position of favoritism in the mind of the general public)! We have plenty of new projects to showcase for you, so buckle down Freddy fans and get ready for 20 minutes of exciting and thrill packed announcements!
Headline: Old Classics Remastered!
Get ready to play some totally real fan-favorite classics in a brand-new way! Originally released on the highly acclaimed Sega Saturn, these titles have been rebuilt in from the ground up with additional content to satisfy the most diehard of Fazbear Fans, using cute and marketable character designs totally not taken from failed experimental 2D RPGs. Race your way through unique courses set in iconic Fazbear locations in “The Fast and the Freddy-ous”! Enjoy minigame mayhem in the digital boardgame “Freddy’s Faz-Bash”! And build your own working pizzeria in Fazbear Simulator 2 (Disclaimer: Fazbear Simulator 2 is in no way related to any horror games disguised as pizzeria tycoon games created by Texan lunatics)! With all of their lighthearted fun and whimsy intact from the classic Sega Saturn days, the expanded and up-to-date official Fazbear Character Roster, and absolutely no hidden lore, mysteries, or scary secrets hidden within. The Fazbear Fever Collection remasters it’s way onto modern platforms this XXX!
What did you think? Are you excited to play these classic titles in a brand-new way? Next Up, we’d like to share a few new titles from our Trivial, Ridiculous, Ornamental, Lacking, Lunacy games initiative. (Graphic displays the previous phrase in a way to ironically highlight the TROLL acronym). These humorous side-projects take elements from official Fazbear Cannon, as well as the convoluted ravings passed off as lore in the acclaimed (and totally fictitious) Five Nights at Freddy’s series to deliver unique experiences based on beloved characters that are totally inconsequential and definitely don’t contain any secret messages from lost souls, or hidden clues to a grand conspiracy. Each one coming to all major platforms! PlayStation 5, Xbox Series X, Nintendo Switch, PC, and Sega Saturn (Disclaimer: Fazbear Entertainment does not officially claim the release of these titles on the Sega Saturn platform).
Mini-Headline: A fantastical quest through the world of Pizza and Fun!
Welcome to the world of Pizzagar! In Fazbear World 2, you battle your way through a fully 3D anime/fantasy/ARPG world as reimagined versions of your beloved Fazbear Entertainment Superstars! You play as the heroic Soldier wielding a mic-sword, Freddy Fazbear; the wandering bard with a Bass-Guitar Bow, Bonnie Bunny; the fashionista tomboy with healing cupcake bombs, Chica Cluckshell; and the gun wielding Pirate Captain, Blackheart Foxy in a quest to save the world from the evil Ringmaster Baby and her underlings (shows anime RPG Baby surrounded by equally anime RPG versions of Ballora, Roxanne Wolf, and Montgomery Gator) from destroying the planet’s supply of birthday parties! The world is your oyster as you customize your characters equipment and magic and take on every totally not-trivial side quest the massive world has to offer on your grand heroic journey! This title releases in XXX!
Mini-Headline: Are you ready to throw down?
A madman has challenged the world to a fight in this action-packed reimagining of the Fazbear universe! Super Fazbear Fighters Deluxe Turbo Championship Edition 2.69 transforms Freddy and his iconic gang of friends into skilled martial artists that are completely original and not takeoffs or parodies of existing characters from popular 2D fighters! The evil A. Springtrap and his shadowy organization want to conquer the world and merge it with their realm of nightmares and horrors, and you as the honorable and righteous champions of Earth must punch, kick, and combo your way to victory in this thrilling 2D fighting game! Featuring an expansive character roster (the full roster of 20 shown via the character select screen), gripping Hollywood quality story mode (shows clip indicating they mean cheesy and melodramatic 80s action movie levels of Hollywood quality), and design input from high level tournament players (shows video of morbidly obese man with headset squeezed into a chair hammering away at a fight stick), we guarantee you will love fighting your way to the top when this title releases next XXX!
Mini-Headline: Platinum-Rated Samurai Action!
Rivalries. A tale as old as time. And of all the great rivalries, none stand as grand as the rivalry between the bear… and the fox! Based on the humorous Bear of Vengeance cutscenes in the “Ultimate Custom Night” game, hack and slash your way through a Fazbear World with a samurai coat of paint in your epic quest of vengeance and honor! (Note: Filler text goes here) Let’s end this old feud once and for all! This title releases next XXX!
Note: In this trailer, dialogue from hand-unit is sparce and rambly, not really saying anything of value, hence the filler text section. This section is mostly meant to highlight the action, the aspects of the world redesigned to be themed around samurai and Japanese folklore, and the voice acting of the characters; which is all entirely in Japanese with subtitles. And the dialogue in the subtitles does not literally match up with what is said by the characters when accurately translated. With characters actually saying things like “Totally not a Bayonetta ripoff!”, “When do we get paid?”, “good luck solving this one game theorists!”, and “I’m bored. Can we get lunch?” as if the VOs know the people making the game don’t speak a lick of Japanese and are just ****ing with them.
Mini-Headline: Thrills, Chills, and Punching Boulders!
(Trailer shown for a 3rd person shooter game staring a jacked Micheal Afton and his younger brother Crying Child shooting and gunning their way through hordes of generic animatronic enemies in a horribly self-aware parody of the FNaF series and Resident Evil 5 and 6. Story details include a Wesker-Esque Springtrap, enemies from FNaF world given a horror-themed makeover as bosses and common enemies, and Elizabeth Afton mind-controlled to serve as “Baby” similar to the Jill Valentine mind-control aspect of RE5. For some reason, Hand Unit decided to shut his mouth for this one and let the trailer speak for itself. Release window shown at the end).
Headline: A new update to the world of Fazbear frights!
(Trailer Shown)
What did you think? We know you have all been excitedly devouring the latest installment of our entirely fictitious and totally not a cover-up series of horror games based on the ridiculous fake rumors of horrendous and frightening events surrounding our entertainment venues! And we are excited to announce the first major update and expansion to this thrilling experience! We are calling this update “Update 2”, a totally clever and original name, because this is the first patch of any sort of the game required! We definitely have not been releasing hundreds of bug fixes and new mechanics via update patch in an effort to repair a glitchy and underdeveloped mess that we somehow thought was in an acceptable state to release to the public day 1! From the beginning players have enjoyed such highlights as the Roxy Raceway, Bonnie Bowl, and Chica’s Feeding Frenzy minigames, the dreary atmosphere of a pitch black megaplex only illuminated by sparse neon lighting, thrilling chase downs from beloved animatronic characters, and the time attack survival mode (Disclaimer: Fazbear Entertainment cannot, legally and on the record, state the aforementioned claims as any sort of fact)! In this update we are introducing a whole new way to play, Dayshift mode! The Pizzaplex is open to the public and you have an exclusive all-access pass to every area! Unlimited time on the arcade games and first-in-line privileges to every attraction for your special day! Try not to make too much of a mess, you might make it difficult for our courteous nighttime staff to clean up after hours. This mode even features the tragically gone but far from forgotten Glamrock Bonnie animatronic for the first time, back on stage as the bands bassist! We hope you’re ready for a whole lot more fun in Five Nights at Freddy’s: Security Breach!
That’s all for now! Be sure to come back next time for more fun in the world of Freddy Fazbear and Friends! (Disclaimer: Fazbear Entertainment does not claim or imply the existence of any future follow up livestream presentations)
