Take a Break From Debate: Write a Character a Rejection Letter

[Mr. Mumbles]

Tired of quarreling over whether to slap Sakurai's right cheek or his left, when some troll comes out of nowhere and says, "Dude, you guys gotta make up your mind. He ain't Jesus; he won't let you slap both." Suddenly instead of having just one enemy, you are positive this entire board is out to get you, but it's okay you are here to set them straight.

You make condescending remarks about their mother's insatiable desires, and her inability to fit anywhere due to her excessive girth, but somehow they remain unconvinced. So you proceed to point out there tenuous grasp of the English language in hopes that they realize how wrong they are, because **** non-native English speakers. You even threaten their grandma with the novelty butterfly knife you had almost forgotten you bought off Ebay three years ago. You do all the right things, but nothing is working.

Well then take a break from all that, by writing a rejection letter to a poor character who isn't getting into ssb4. What's that you say? The person you really want to reject is already a confirmed character? Well screw that noise. Nintendo has for some reason lost it's mind and is rejecting them too. Oh, and the reasons for rejecting these characters are far stupider then anything you have ever seen on any forum. Let's get too it! DK has some manly tears to shed, and they just aren't going to happen without your help.

I'll get us started.

Dear Krystal,

We regret to inform you that it has been brought to our attention that you are blue and also a fox. This game must be accessible to people from ages -3 to 157 and we are concerned of what parents will say by us teaching them terrible lessons, like foxes are blue. We have tried reasoning with parents by pointing out that it is only because of your telepathy that you are blue, but tests audiences only found this to be reassuring 97% of the time. While we may have been willing to be more lenient in the past, this isn't 2006 anymore. You've got to get with the times.

Sincerely,
Nintendo

 

[Morbi]

Dear PKMN Trainer,

We regret to inform you that Gen 1 ended a decade ago. You take forever to balance and we would rather add 3 unique characters over one over-hyped character. It isn't you... it is us. We wanted you to be a generic PKMN Trainer in order to appeal to all of the Pokemon fans... which is why you have all Gen 1 Pokemon. Why would we ever include Mudkip the internet meme or Bayleef instead of that green frog dinosaur thing that is 420 friendly? Charizard is the only reason the 4 of you made it in the game. Sorry. We are dropping you for Majin Mewbuu.

Sincerely,
Nintendo that isn't really Nintendo for copyright and fraud reasons.

 

[Curmudgeon]

Dear Geno

Did you seriously thought you had a chance of being in this game?

Sincerely, everyone with common sense

 

[BluePikmin11]

Dear Lucario,

Mewtwo is now the hot Pokemon, unfortunately you must leave as Mewtwo represents the new generation of Pokemon and Smash. Keep training with your aura, you might just find yourself a new form like Mewtwo's.

Sincerely, Professor Rowan.

 

[Curious Villager]

Something tells me this might turn ugly. Oh well, might as well play along while I still can.

Dear Pac-Man

Our sincerest apology, but just because Namco is helping us out with the production of this game, doesn't mean we want you in our Smash Bros series. Also we couldn't think of any viable moveset for you besides chomping away at your opponents, which frankly, we already got Wario for that. Our sincerest apologies for any inconvenience.

Have a lovely day further.

Sincerely Nintendo

Edit: Meh I thought that was a bit too rude so I changed it. Unless you guy's want me to keep it...

 

[Fire Emblemier]

Dear Chrom,

I love hate to inform you, but our most recent lord from the Fire Emblem Franchise, couldn't be included. We found he was unoriginal like most other lords with the blue hair and sword. This made us think it would interfere with Ike and Marth. Even though we thought about it, we couldn't have had a original move-set without using both Marth and Ike as middle ground and we already got enough semi-clones.

Have a smashing day,
Nintendo and Intelligent Systems

Funny and awesome thread.

 

[D3monicWolv3s]

Dear Paper Mario.

You are made out of PAPER. Everything in this game will burn you or cut you... or get you all wet and unplayable. So obviously we went with Birdo. I mean... she can shoot eggs. From her MOUTH. How cool is that? I mean seriously. Check this **** out when you can.

-Nintendo customer service rep 3529#

 

[BluePikmin11]

Dear Mario,

You know yourself you are the biggest icon of Nintendo, but unfortunately a Steel Diver submarine has stole your spotlight, as his series have sold 678 trillion copies, Steel Diver Galaxy and Steel Diver: 3D World being the most recent and most critically acclaimed Mario spinoff series. Unfortunately, Luigi is leaving also and is replaced with Magikarp, Pokemon Fishing has become of a big success, with over 100 forums dedicated to PokeFishing, he is now Steel Diver's submarine's sidekick. Peach is also replaced with Pauline, as Peach has gone missing somewhere in the Lost Woods where she will never be seen again. And, Ridley is now a Mario character, Bowser is dead and gone, purple flying monsters are better. We hope that this didn't cause you to explode in anyway. Please understand..

Sincerely,
Jack Trenton, the new Nintendo CEO

 

[Mr. Mumbles]

Something tells me this might turn ugly. Oh well, might as well play along while I still can...

I am afraid you could be right. Maybe if I bold the part about these rejections not being serious?

Dear Mario,

You know yourself you are the biggest icon of Nintendo, but unfortunately a Steel Diver submarine has stole your spotlight, as his series have sold 678 trillion copies, Steel Diver Galaxy and Steel Diver: 3D World being the most recent and most critically acclaimed. Unfortunately, Luigi is leaving also and is replaced with Magikarp, Pokemon Fishing has become of a big success, with over 100 forums dedicated to PokeFishing, he is now Steel Diver's submarine's sidekick. Peach is also replaced with Pauline, as Peach has gone missing somewhere in the Lost Woods where she will never be seen again. And, Ridley is now a Mario character, Bowser is dead and gone, purple flying monsters are better. We hope that this didn't cause you to explode in anyway. Please understand..

Sincerely,
Jack Trenton, the new Nintendo CEO

There we go; this guy gets it. That made me laugh... a few times actually.

 

[Fire Emblemier]

Dear Link,
May I start with Green is out of style. After realizing your art style caused many butt hurt and to rage, we went with our next available option, denying permission to the Smash Bros 4th installment. You also break the laws of physics by having no visible bag, yet having a plethora of equipment, this is a major no-no nowadays.
P.S. We could just change the art style, but the development team finds it a waste a time, so I bid you goodbye from Smash bros.

Don't worry though Zelda is still appearing without Link.

Sincerely,
Nintendo of the world.

 

[BluePikmin11]

Dear Metaknight,

Since you have been banned in many Smash tournaments, we would like to warn you about your high top skills, we have recently discovered that you have been drinking Meta-wine to your advantage in winning in many matches. We recommend that you nerf your start lags on every aerial attack, and highly recommending removing the three of special moves that involve recovering, that way you slightly more predictable. If you do not finish these goals in time, we will unfortunately remove you from the roster. Please for the love of Mercy, NERF YOURSELF!?!?

Sincerely,
All Smash losers.

 

[Evil-Guy]

Dear Peach

You are a useless ***** and I am prettier, therefore they are replacing you with me!

Sincerely yours,
Daisy

 

[J1NG]

​

Super Smash Brothers Wii U/3DS-NOTICE TO TERMINATE OCCUPANCY​

​

To: R.O.B., Toon Link, Falco, Wolf, Lucas, Snake, Sonic, all residents (tenants and subtenants) in possession (full name) and all others in possession of the premises located at:
Low priority character slots needed to free up space for forthcoming Super Smash Brothers game

TAKE NOTICE that your occupancy of the premises is terminated effective at the end of this fiscal year after service on you of this notice, or in one year's time(date) whichever is later.
You must peaceably vacate the premises and remove all of your personal property on or before the date indicated above. If you fail to quit and deliver possession, legal proceedings will be instituted against you to obtain possession and such proceedings could result in judgement against you which may include attorneys' fees and court costs as allowed by law, plus owner may recover an additional punitive award of sixty thousand yen in accordance with Japanese law for such unlawful detention. This legal action will also result in forfeiture of the roster agreement.

You have the right to request an initial inspection of your character slot and to be present during that inspection, which shall occur no earlier than two weeks before the termination of the occupancy and during normal business hours. At this initial inspection, the Owner (Mr. Masahiro Sakurai)/Agent will provide an itemized statement specifying reworking or balancing that are proposed to be the basis for the deductions from the security deposit. This may not be a final accounting of deductions from said security deposit. A separate Notice of Resident's Option to Request an Initial Inspection is provided with this Notice or will follow within a reasonable time. Please complete the form and return it to Owner(Mr.Masahiro Sakurai)/Agent if you wish to arrange for an initial inspection.

If you fail to fulfill the terms of your termination obligations, a negative report reflecting on your history may be submitted to your copyright holders.

By: (Authorized Representative)
Owner: Masahiro Sakurai

 

[moneyfrenzy]

Dear star fox trio,
we hate to inform you, but all of your final smashes are the same, so instead of changes them we have decided to remove you all. The biggest reason is because you are a fox, falcon, and wolf, how the **** you got in space will never be answered, and there is no way you guys can talk, just how does that work.
Sincerely,
Anonymous (slippy)

 

[UberMadman]

Dear Ridley,

You're too ****ing big.

With love, Nintendo

 

[AGreatProcrastinator]

Dear Ridley,

We are sorry to inform you that you will not be included in the next installment of the Super Smash Bros series. The problem is your size, well, your weight to be more precise. The fact is that you are really skinny. Like so skinny that your ribs are clearly visible. Many dragons are worried that your incredibly thin physique will have a negative effect on the minds and ideas of their young, impressionable hatchlings. We don't want them to wind up anorexic because they think they have to be all bony skeletal like you to be cool. It's because of this that we are including your co-worker Kraid instead. We hope that his hefty figure will make him a better role model and show young dragons of all body types that they're fine just the way they are.

Sincerely,
Nintendo

 

[[Corn]]

Dear Little Mac,

Due to the very few moves that we would have to work with as well a certain Captain already doing most of the physical combat and holding the most impressive punching ability in the cast, we are sorry to announce that you will not make it. We did include your stage as a small gift though, and you may make it once again as an assist trophy.

Thanks,
Nintendo



Dear Pac-Man,

While you may be an old recognizable icon, we once again are sorry to inform you that you have little to no value to todays video game realm as well as having an extremely small amount of moves to deal with. The chances we would include you are the same chances that we would include characters such as the Dog from Duck hunt,Cranky Kong, and the other old characters that have earned their retirement and live on.

Thanks,
Nintendo



Dear Ridley,

We decided to actually allow you in, but we couldn't think of any means to actually make you fit, quite literally, in the game. Actually give us a reason why you change size so often, like Bowser has already done, and we will reconsider.
Until then, here is a memoir of what you couldve had.

Thanks,
Nintendo.



See, this is stuff I wish would actually happen.

 

[mimgrim]

Ok let me see what I got.

Dear Zero Suit Samus,

We are sorry to inform you that you are being cut from Super Smash Bros. It has been decided that you ar just to erotic. Super Smash Bros is meant for anyone of any age to play and with all the calls we have gotten from angry parents finding dirty magezines of you in the child's room we have been force to take these measures. You're body suite has been claimed and proven in court, in which a upset parent sued us making you cost us much money, to not actually be a body suite but actually you, meaning that you are esstinatly always naked and making you porn. But it doesn't end there, we are afraid the people don't like blondes anymore making you highly unpopular now. And lastly but not leastly, your boobs are jsut far to big, even bigger then Wii Fit Trainer's.

Sincerely, Nintendo

 

[BADGRAPHICS]

Dear Mr. Game & Watch,

I write today to regrettably inform you that we unfortunately cannot accommodate you a position in the latest Super Smash Bros. titles. After a lot of feedback from today's generation of gamers, a new fresh perspective is required to represent your revered series. After much deliberation, we have decided to instead invite your successor, Mr. Game & Wario to the tournament. We hope you understand that this is an important step to making Super Smash Bros. more accessible to the younger generation.

Furthermore, we must insist that you sign over certain intellectual properties so that we may transfer your likeness to an automaton for use as an in-game assist trophy. We hope you enjoy your new role in the next generation of Smash!

Sincerely,
Masahiro Sakuwario Sakurai

 

[D3monicWolv3s]

Dear balloon fighter,

We love your balloons... but maybe you're just not suited to fighting. You're too peaceful.

Villager heard we considered you in the past, and after we laughed at him for brawl... we're afraid he might show up a bit axe happy.

He recently showed up to show off a balloon based jump move, so we fear for your safety.

Especially after he was named the prime suspect on Tingles murder. At first when the surviving family members got letters with the following words ""You've met with a terrible fate, haven't you?" they thought it was that creepy guy with the masks... but then they started to find gyroids in their houses.

So in short we added him to the cast, so we could sleep easier at night knowing he wont murder us in our sleep.

If you're still alive, we're sorry, and hope this letter reaches you in time.

 

[Mr. Mumbles]

Dear Luigi,

As I'm sure you are well aware this is the year of Luigi. As such we need you in perfect condition always. People can't see a Luigi with a bruise or even so much as one with a hair missing from his mustache during this special year. Unfortunately the qualifying fights for the smash series are happening this year, and Sakurai is unwilling to make an exception even for you. Being unable to fight you are of course unable to get into the game. It's okay though; we've heard rumors that people only wanted you so they can hear you scream as you get launched off into the background anyway. When you think about it, we really are doing you a favor.

Sincerely,
Nintendo

 

[D3monicWolv3s]

Dear wii fit trainer,

Wii couldn't fit you in this game.

Dear Ness,

We asked if you wanted to be in SSB4, but... we never got a response.

Dear Shiek,

The user diddy kong from smashboards said Impa was a better character. I hope you'll understand.

 

[DakotaBonez]

Dear Chibi-Robo,

Can you deliver this smash bros tournament invitation the Wii Fit Trainer when you get a chance? kthxbai

~Notendo

 

[KingofPhantoms]

Dear Toon Link,

We put your grandson in a stage in Smash 4, and your grandson thinks it would be awkward to see you at the same age as him, we think there is no reason to include the original you because of this.

Sincerecly, Nintendo.

 

[BADGRAPHICS]

Dear Naruto,

We'd just like to congratulate you on being awarded a much sought-after position in our latest Smash Bros. tournament!!

Haha, jk. You should have seen your face.

 

[DakotaBonez]

Dear Naruto,

We'd just like to congratulate you on being awarded a much sought-after position in our latest Smash Bros. tournament!!

Haha, jk. You should have seen your face.

P.S.

Believe it BEEYITCH!

 

[KingofPhantoms]

P.S.

Believe it BEEYITCH!

Couldn't resist. lol

 

[UberMadman]

Now for another:

Dear Waluigi,

Look... we don't want you to think that we don't care for you. It's just that we don't care for you. Seriously, there's a reason you've only ever been in mario sports games. Tell you what, maybe, MAYBE we'll let you in as an assist trophy again, but there's a few things that you'll have to do first.

1) Take a shower.
2) Learn to fight WITHOUT a tennis racket in your hand at all times, you cheating *******.
3) Take a shower.
4) Learn from Wario and go out and make something of yourself, instead of waiting for someone else to come along and cast you in the latest Mario Tennis game.
5) Learn some social graces. We want the characters of Smash Bros. to REPRESENT us, so you better show some manners once in a while, OK?
6) Brush your teeth once in a while, will ya?
7) Take a goddamn shower.

We barely let Wario in as is, and quite frankly we're pretty much fed up with him. You think we're just going to let his annoying younger brother in as well? No way in hell.

Please don't bother writing back, (we probably wouldn't be able to read it anyways,)
Nintendo

 

[Curious Villager]

Dear Professor Hershel Layton.

We appreciate your offer to join our Super Smash Bros tournament series, but sadly we will have to decline your offer. Frankly, as a Gentleman that you are, we would hate to see a violent natured game like Smash Bros ruin your peaceful image from your Professor Layton series of games. We realize that you have done tons of things such as fencing and creating all sorts of gadgets from random materials in order to fend off your foes but at heart, your adventures are still a series of peaceful puzzle games and thus we decline your offer as our game may ruin your game's image.

We hope you understand. Plus look at the bright side, at least you can spend more time with your adopted daughter you always tend to neglect and leave behind in favor of a random brown haired chick you met in the street and an annoying schoolboy with an irritating cockney accent. Isn't that sweet of us? Go cook a nice meal together in celebration of this great news!

Sincerely: Flora Reinhold Masahiro Sakurai.

 

[Fatmanonice]

Dear Ms. Daisy Hoobastank:

We have reviewed your resume and regret to inform you that another applicant has been chosen for the position of a new Mario character in the Super Smash Bros franchise. In truth, we do not believe that your resume truthfully reflected your talents and credentials and we advise that you revise it for future job searches. For your date of birth, for example, you wrote "Hi, I'm Daisy" and for your past work history you also wrote "Hi, I'm Daisy." Your cover letter was merely "Hi, I'm Daisy" written exactly 78 times over the course of three paragraphs and was even used as part of the return address line. While your name has been well established, this did not provide enough information for us to fully consider you for the open job position. Attached to this document is the phone number of a reliable speech therapist, Dr. Gerber Shrunk. Our company's public speakers have depended on him for over a decade and we believe he can aid you on your future endeavors. We wish you the best of luck in the future and thank you for your interest.

Sincerely,

Nintendo

 

[kikaru]

Dear Wario,

Lose some weight.

With love, Wii Fit Trainer Nintendo.

 

[PsychoIncarnate]

Dear Negative thread

Go **** yourself

This is going to raise flames

 

[Mr. Mumbles]

Dear Negative thread

Go **** yourself

Did you read the OP? Sure some people are doing it wrong, by pointing out legitimate character flaws, but that isn't the intent, and I haven't seen anyone take offense, so it seems fine. Seriously the whole point of this thread is chillaxing bro. It sounds like you could use a little.

EDIT: Tell ya what. If you actually own a butterfly knife that you bought off of Ebay years ago, I will personally ask a mod to lock this thread

 

[UberMadman]

Dear Negative thread

Go **** yourself

This is going to raise flames

How is this a negative thread? I think the whole thing is in the spirit of good natured fun.

 

[mimgrim]

Here's one I thought of for a totally new character I want in the game.

Dear Yoshiya "Joshua" Kiryu.

We have unfourtantly, ver unfourtante, decided against your inclusion. We just can't have a character such as you in this game. Not only would you potentialy mind **** everyone but to also troll them endlessly. Not to mention how highley knowledgable you of other realities and worlds that you would and being the composer of Shibuya and thus being very powerful, you would jsut be way to OP. As much as we would love to have you in Super Smash Bros we just can't include some one as over powered as you. And of course we can't have you sending our fighter to the UG to participate in the Reaper Games, that would be very bad for buisness if any of our characters were to die. We are sorry about not being able to include you, please don't make us participate in the Reaper Games for this.

Scincerly, Nintendo.

 

[SirGalvan]

Dear Little Mac,

We are sorry to say that you are not going to be allowed into the next smash bros. However we will use a boxing ring style stage just to allow for the ultimate gotcha. Good luck in the future.

Sincerely Nintendo

 

[KingofPhantoms]

Dear PsychoIncarnate,

Learn the difference between character hatred threads and comedic threads.

Sincerely, Me.

 

[TewnLeenk]

Dear Sonic,

Just because we let you into Brawl, doesn't mean your sh*itty friends get to come along too. We don't need Tails, Knuckles, Shadow and Silver all in one game! **** off!

Oh beeteedubs, you're getting cut.

Sincerely, Nintendo

 

[Swift Fox]

Dear Falco

We are sorry to inform you that you're getting a cut from the next Smash. This is partly because you didn't give back Fox's old moves including his blaster from Smash 64. And you yelled at us "HANDS OFF MY BREADS!!" and actng like an ***hole whenever we're trying to replace your cloned/stolen moves with new unique movesets. This is really necessary to make yourself not a clone of Fox but we prefer to cut you because you're a very noisy person with a habit of yelling one constant phrase over and over into our ears. We had to do this for the sake of more originals and less clones for the next Smash.

Sincerely, Fox, Sakurai and 33 others.

 

[FalKoopa]

Dear Negative thread

Go **** yourself

This is going to raise flames

Dear butthurt Geno fan,

Get out of this thread.

Sincerely,
Everyone else in this thread.