Overall 2017 has been essentially a nightmare for me. I've told this story to one of my closest friends on these boards but I feel like this is a decent enough time to post it here so here it is.
That's a rather personal look into my life. So why am I telling you guys this? I'm not posting this looking for pity. I'm not posting this because I want you guys to know my pain. I'm not posting this for attention. I'm posting this because recently I have seen a lot, and I mean a lot, more suicidal thoughts/posts, attempted suicides, and outright suicides. Inside and outside of my personal life. I never let that thought cross my mind while I've went through what I've went through. And believe me, I've been through some ****. So for anyone, anywhere who are having those thoughts listen to me. It'll get better. Sometimes life will beat you into the dirt day after day after day with no bright days in sight. You may have to be a colder person. You may have to give up on something you thought you loved. Or you may have to let someone or something that you hold dearest to you go. But I KNOW things will get better. Yeah, this year ****ing sucks but I'm going to push on to the next and the next until I make it to that brighter day. If you're having those thoughts; feeling useless, feeling abused, feeling like you'd do anything to just make the pain end; just remember that no matter what you think, no matter what people say to you, no matter what people think of you, the world is better off WITH you.
Anyways, I need some sleep. I've had so very little these past few weeks. Goodnight guys. Love one another.
And on top of all that my baby, my Millie Millie, is gone.It was better. Was. Honestly it all started in February. I was working at McDonald's with my buddy, let's call him Z, he had been working there a month before me. Anyways the job was getting bad for both of us. We were excelling at our job but our superiors didn't care. They figured that we, the people making the food, were making all the mistakes. I tried to quit, put in my two week notice, they offered me a promotion and a raise to keep me on, I went ahead and applied for Olive Garden to try and get a job somewhere that when I excelled I'd be rewarded instead of punished, without me knowing my email to book an interview went to my spam, thinking they had denied me I had to stay on at McDonald's, they gave me the promotion and raise which made Z pretty upset at me. End of that chapter of hell I quit later on to help my mom and stepdad babysit my little brothers. That was going fine. My stepdad have me a credit card to use as payment. Then I was 5 minutes late to picking them up for school one day and my mom lit me up. Yelling at me and pitching a fit. Not fun. Well, this was around the time that I started trying to take my mind off things so I thought I'd treat myself a bit. My stepdad then got upset at me for spending too much money on the card. Wasn't even that much but he feels like it was too much. Didn't help anything in the slightest. Ended up going to Orlando with the love of my life as my gift to her for her graduation, call her L. Great distraction from all that was going on. Loved every second. Didn't last long. Got back and stress hit me like a ton of bricks. Tight on money, light on sleep, and scared to death to screw anything up. That lasted all summer. Nonstop. August came around and again the love of my life came with me and my family to the beach. Great time. But around the same time my college for film called me and told me that my state wouldn't allow me to start this semester. Kick in the teeth considering how excited I was for it and the fact that that would help keep my mind off of things. Well, I thought I'd focus on the one thing that made me happy. My girlfriend, L. The love of my life. Planned on getting a job, planned on saving up to buy a ring, planned on how to propose to her. She planned differently and, well, she had different plans. Dumped me on the sidewalk outside of the mall. Anyways, these past 3 or so weeks have been up and down with me missing her and loving her, and hating and blaming her. Started trying to do things to take my mind off that and that didn't work. Then my mom got mad and started yelling at me again which brought back all the memories of how I felt all summer, which I told her about and which she replied with "none of that is even bad", and throw that on top of the fact that my sister was also mad at me I just needed someone to talk to. So, I called my ex-girlfriend, L, she surprisingly answered and talked to me. It was helping a little bit while we talked. But then she told me that the dog that I got her a couple years back had gotten run over and killed a week prior. I loved that dog. She was great. That was the one thing that she missed that had anything to do with me. At least that's what she says. And now that's gone.
So, yeah. Hasn't been a great year. I haven't had a professional opinion yet but I'm pretty sure I'm going through depression. My interest in everything is just nonexistent. I'm always tired but can never sleep. I'm always sick to my stomach. And anything I do just makes me wish things would go back to the way they were. Or, in drastic cases like today, just wishing it would all end. I'm not in danger of harming myself because I would never ever do that. Don't have the ability. I have too many dreams. It's just those dreams feel farther away from me now than they ever have. The future doesn't look bright like it did a year ago. It's hard. I know that this will get better with time but time goes by slower when you're hating every second.
That's a rather personal look into my life. So why am I telling you guys this? I'm not posting this looking for pity. I'm not posting this because I want you guys to know my pain. I'm not posting this for attention. I'm posting this because recently I have seen a lot, and I mean a lot, more suicidal thoughts/posts, attempted suicides, and outright suicides. Inside and outside of my personal life. I never let that thought cross my mind while I've went through what I've went through. And believe me, I've been through some ****. So for anyone, anywhere who are having those thoughts listen to me. It'll get better. Sometimes life will beat you into the dirt day after day after day with no bright days in sight. You may have to be a colder person. You may have to give up on something you thought you loved. Or you may have to let someone or something that you hold dearest to you go. But I KNOW things will get better. Yeah, this year ****ing sucks but I'm going to push on to the next and the next until I make it to that brighter day. If you're having those thoughts; feeling useless, feeling abused, feeling like you'd do anything to just make the pain end; just remember that no matter what you think, no matter what people say to you, no matter what people think of you, the world is better off WITH you.
Anyways, I need some sleep. I've had so very little these past few weeks. Goodnight guys. Love one another.
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