Well, here it goes. The thing is that the more i see myself, the more i feel that something is wrong me.
As time goes on, i feel that i don't deserve what i have, i feel i could be better, but i never took to the opportunity to be well....more friendly. What i mean is try to be more open to others, and that was a problem that still happens to me today.
Back when i was a child, i was very silent, and i used to rarely talk to my Mother when it came to my problems, mostly because i always feared talking my failures. As time went, i became more open to my mother, and i realized now that that i done the worst thing ever..................i keep my feelings inside, i rearely tend to talk to others. All those feelings that i have inside just keep accumulating, up to the point that when i explode.
This happened today, i had a breakdown. I honselty have a very low oppinion on myself, i always see myself in a negative light, i feel that im a bad person. Sometimes i take things too personally, and i feel that the only one losing at the end is myself. I don't mean things just like someone else's opinion, i mean stuff like failing in something, like an important exam. Sometimes i tend to get upset with myself for the tiniest of mistakes.
There's also the fact that i don't have any dreams, and i didn't want to have them because im scared of failing. Im scared of beign rejected, im scared of beign a bad boyfriend or husband, im scared of beign a bad employee, im scared of screwing something up, or worse, harming someone. What if i turn into someone horrible, like someone that abuses or kills people for their own twisted pleasure.
One of the reasons i still go foward with my life is because of my Family. My mother has supported me despite all the hardships, and she has been there whenever i felt down, and even if she overprotected me somtimes back when i was a child, i always have loved her, i know she is flawed, but is my mother, she raised me and loved me, and i want to grow better as a person just so she can be happy. She always told me that i shouldn't be so hard on myself, that im she loves me for who i am, and that im a good person at heart, but i always have that insecutiry that im nothing but utter garbage.
Then there's my sister, and while we tend to argue sometimes, i do love her, and i don't like when people harm her. Back when she was during her teenage years, a lot of people straight up bullied her, and it wasn't just making fun of her, sometimes she even got attacked. She was diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome, and some people liked picking on her because of that.
Since i am his brother, i always felt that i have to support her, and whenever i see her sad, par of me starts breaking. I felt that she has a hard time cheering herself up, and i wish i could do something.
My family is the reason i have been going foward with my life. They love me for who i am, and sometimes i feel they love me more than i love myself.
I was the typical boy who was bullied and had little to no friends (and the friends i had weren't the best) and it's possible that i have Asperger Syndrome as well. Sometimes i fear to come off as a jerk or mean, and sometimes i feel that im nothing but a weak coward, that im dumb. I don't think i will ever have a girlfriend, because quite honestly who would want a loser like me? My relationship with my father is complicated since i only see im in Saturdays, i don't have any friends outside of school, my mother worked most of the day so i rarely saw her, and so on and so on.
I have felt ansxiety, grief, and honselty, the problem is NOT the people that bullied me, is NOT my pessimism with my love live, is NOT my lack of friends or my shaky relationship with my Father. It's Me. I am the problem. Instead of talking to my mother about my problems, i usually kept those insecurities beacause i have way too much pride.
Instead of talking to my Family about my problems i turn back, because i think they will not help, when in reality they are the ones that help me to move on. I should talk to father and tell him how i feel, yet i haven't.
I have no self-esteem whatsoever, and i rarely tend to talk about my problems, and i kept them inside.
Instead of beign friendly and nice to others, i tend to be lonely and rarely make any friends.
Instead of accepting my feelings and try to hang out with others, i reject those feelings i kept them down, fearing that i will be rejected.
Those problems cause negativity inside me, and they slowly start turning me into someone horrible.
That's the question here. Have you ever felt that you are terrible? Have you ever felt that you are nothing? Have you ever felt that you don't deserve to be helped or to be loved back?
Those feelings that have been kept for so long. I want to be happy.
I want to love myself, to accept me for who i am, and i want o accept those are different to me too. I want to love others, and to be loved to be back and accepted for who i am.
Latel i have been seeing a psychologist, and while she has helped me, i still think there's a long way for me to accept myself.
I am still very young. Im still a teenager, and there's still a long road for me and that my choices will determine who i am. I feel that if i don't do something, i will end up like my grandfather, a jerk who only knew one thing: make people misserable. If i can't accept my flaws, how can i accept others?
I also want to how most of you see me. Sometimes i wish people told me things to me directly, support helps me improve and know that im not alone.
I know im sounding like im a drama queen, and i apologize in advance for the big pharagraph here, but i just want to get rid all this negativity that i have on me inside, and i wanted to get this out.
