The_Altrox
Smash Lord
Link to original post: [drupal=2724]I've never been a prideful person, but I'm disgusted at what I've been reduced to (a girl blog)[/drupal]
Been awhile... this might get long. and it may seem like another "BAAAAHHH, MY HEART GOT BROKEN" blog but I'm not begging for your sympathy. Because sympathy from people I don't know over the internet means little to me. Why am I posting? Because I need to vent, and my friends have their own troubles. I hate bothering them with my issues.
I'm a pretty average dude. I have a good number of friends, guys and girls. I guess I'm a good friend, but that's all I ever been. As far as relationships with significant others, I've never really had a solid relationship here. I've screwed up a lot too, so it's partially my fault. I know what rejection is like, and I usually take it pretty gracefully. It's better to move on than hang on. But things really changed...
Last year, a new girl came to our school for her Junior Year and later Senior year. She is a cute, smart girl, who was overschedualed with school, jobs, extra cirric, etc, but we got to know each other real early on. She had a lot of qualities I found attractive. Cute, smart, sarcastic and cynical. And here is when I make a vital mistake.
At the same time, there was another girl I sorta liked, and I'm pretty sure liked me back. I knew I could easily have had a relationship with her, but I tossed that opportunity away to pursue the first girl mentioned. The second girl... well, that's a different story...
So I ended upasking the first girl to our winter dance, and I was ecstatic when she said yes. We kept talking on the phone and stuff though she avoided me in school it seemed. I figured it was cause she'd rather hang out with her other friends. But I didn't care so much.
When we finally reached the date, I... well, felt pretty sad about the results. The dance was fun, but because I hung out with my friends. She spent more time hanging with her friends. about 95% of the time, even though I bought the ticket/dinner/etc. Really, that doesn't bother me as much as the vibe I recieved. I got the feeling that she didn't want to be there with me...
I gave up then. I figured "why chase what I cant catch?" and I moved on. we still talke, but not as much. I went on for the rest oof the year without caring. Went on to Prom and what not with a friend. Basically saying I wasn't pining over the issue.
This is real it starts. Before Summer arrived, we started talking frequently on Facebook and in person. She asked me to go hang out with her + friends multiple times, though I couldn't a lot (couldn't drive then. had my license, but wasn't allowed and my parents said no to driving me a lot.) But it was this time when I realized that oat of me still wanted her. I remembered about the opportunity I had lost before and decided I did not want that to be lost in vain. I was gonna try again. I knew I had too, or else I would regret it.
I didn't see her much during the summer, because she was interning a long drive away, but we talked alot on FB. She said she wanted to hang out, though we couldn't. During this time, I was getting my parents' trust with the car. Finally as summer reached it's closing, she asked me if I wanted to see a movie. Just the two of us. I remember driving through torrential rain just to get there (still a relatively new driver) but I didn't care. Before and after the film, we talked a lot, but during the film, I put my arm around her. I know this isn't much, but I didn't want to go to fast and ruin things (I have a tendency for doing that). This was also a litmus test for me to see if it would be okay. and visibly it was. I'm sort of a pesemist in my view on life, but I remember feeling really good there.
A few weeks passed. School started, and we started acting like normal. Things were okay. But then one night on FB, I asked her if she wanted to hang out again, only to get a response similar to this: "You're an awesome guy. Seriously, like one of the most awesome people I know (BS lines) but we can't be more than friends." I just read the words in my mind a few times before posting "Story of my ****ing life" before logging off. She tried to call me, but I wouldn't answer the phone. I wasn't overly mad. I just wanted to let the reality sink in. And when it did, it began to ache. At this time, I was grounded from the computer, but I snuck on to do stuff, only to be confronted by her, asking me if I was okay. We talked for a little bit, and she said that she would have gone out with me several years ago, but now she couldn't becaise of the "bad things she had done in the past" >__> She wouldn't tell me what. But I couldn't keep talking. I had to get off because a parental unit was coming.
For two weeks, I felt very emo about the whole situation. I only talked to her when she talked to me first, but I avoided looking at her, because I felt sick when doing so. Eventually, we did get to talk online (too busy IRL) and she told me the same stuff as before. AND THIS IS WHERE I CHOPPED MY BALLS OFF! Yeah, THAT got your attention. anyway, I started talking about the way I felt (I hate doing so, but...) what I had given up, what I wanted, that I didn't care if she did things in the pas, how angry I was, etc. I told her I still wanted to go out with her. But she told me that because of her job and classes and etc, she told me to wait till December when she had time to commit to a relationship, but if I found somebody else by then, it would be okay. I said okay.
Just so you know, I'M NOT THAT NAIVE!I know that is code for "not interested" but I wanted to try. I had already put way too much emotion into this. I asked for help from friends. One told me to give her time, and it would pay off. another told me that if I kept hanging on, it would hurt me. and it did. I hated the uncertainty of it all so much. I went out on a blind date during this time. The date was nice, but I couldn't stay focused. I kept thinking about you know who.
A month or so that. A dance is coming up now. I asked her if she wanted to go, saying that I knew she wanted to wait
, but that she was the only girl I wanted to go with (if I had grown my balls back, consider them rehacked.) What she said was really a low blow. She told me she asked a friend already, and that she should have known I would ask her (YA THINK!?) I logged off, and was very depressed. The next day, we talked in person. She told me that whole thing about the "actions of the past" only for me to tell her it didn't bother me. and then she told me that I needed to let go and move on. The whole "waiting" game was just a plot to get me uninterested. and her parents apparently won't let her date (strict asian family)and that she never brought it up earlier becaise it embarrassed her. I was giving the cold and somewhat sad stare now, and asked her why she didn't just tell me to **** off a long time ago. she never answered. She also told me that she had intentiannally been acting cold to me, because she didn't want to lead me on. what she said last really injured me inside. she said that the way I felt were just stupid hormonal emotions that caused me to overreact, and that how I feel will be meaningless eventually. after this whole speech, she told me she still wanted me to be friends, and hugged me. I hugged back unsincerely though.
(if you're still reading this... you must be really patient.)
a month has passed since then. school is rough. I'm going to the dance with a friend. I act like I've moved on. I only talk with her if she talks first, because in all honesty, the whole "let's act like it never happened" deal don't play well with me, though I act like I'm okay. After we talked that day, I didn't go in my corner to cry about how life sucks. Because even though it does suck, I still have to live it. So I did. I can recognize the ups and downs. But after thinking about everything over and over again, I began to get pissed about the whole ordeal. Pissed that I though things could work. Pissed that I severed my manhood. But now that I think about it, there are so many holes in the story.
If she has strict parents, how could she get away with all these bad things? Somethings seem amiss. I think she's lying about both, and she doesn't want to go out with me because she thinks I'm boring or something (my theory.)
And even so, why did she ask me out if her parents wouldn't allow it? And the "as friends" thing is BS. Who goes to a movie alone with just one friend of opposite gender? I bet by then, she knew liked her too. She's a smart chick.
And why does she expect me to forget everything and be friends? After the ways she treated me, it's not impossible, but it ain't happening right now.
The whole "stupid emotions" has some truth to it. I assume I'll be over this in the next few months. But at the same time, I never felt this way about a girl before.
What's next? Well... I know I need to move on. That would be the best thing to do. BEcause I'm angry in this state. However, part of me still wants he. That part makes me sad. When I don't think about her, I feel good. But forgetting is probably not possible. The whole situation angers me. I wish I could understand why she is so different to me. Why I can't let go so easily. She's hurt me more than any woman I know, and yet, part of me wants to hold on, against all logic... I don't get it. Infatuation never did this to me before...
If you read this far, kudos to you. If you have anything to post, go ahead.
Been awhile... this might get long. and it may seem like another "BAAAAHHH, MY HEART GOT BROKEN" blog but I'm not begging for your sympathy. Because sympathy from people I don't know over the internet means little to me. Why am I posting? Because I need to vent, and my friends have their own troubles. I hate bothering them with my issues.
I'm a pretty average dude. I have a good number of friends, guys and girls. I guess I'm a good friend, but that's all I ever been. As far as relationships with significant others, I've never really had a solid relationship here. I've screwed up a lot too, so it's partially my fault. I know what rejection is like, and I usually take it pretty gracefully. It's better to move on than hang on. But things really changed...
Last year, a new girl came to our school for her Junior Year and later Senior year. She is a cute, smart girl, who was overschedualed with school, jobs, extra cirric, etc, but we got to know each other real early on. She had a lot of qualities I found attractive. Cute, smart, sarcastic and cynical. And here is when I make a vital mistake.
At the same time, there was another girl I sorta liked, and I'm pretty sure liked me back. I knew I could easily have had a relationship with her, but I tossed that opportunity away to pursue the first girl mentioned. The second girl... well, that's a different story...
So I ended upasking the first girl to our winter dance, and I was ecstatic when she said yes. We kept talking on the phone and stuff though she avoided me in school it seemed. I figured it was cause she'd rather hang out with her other friends. But I didn't care so much.
When we finally reached the date, I... well, felt pretty sad about the results. The dance was fun, but because I hung out with my friends. She spent more time hanging with her friends. about 95% of the time, even though I bought the ticket/dinner/etc. Really, that doesn't bother me as much as the vibe I recieved. I got the feeling that she didn't want to be there with me...
I gave up then. I figured "why chase what I cant catch?" and I moved on. we still talke, but not as much. I went on for the rest oof the year without caring. Went on to Prom and what not with a friend. Basically saying I wasn't pining over the issue.
This is real it starts. Before Summer arrived, we started talking frequently on Facebook and in person. She asked me to go hang out with her + friends multiple times, though I couldn't a lot (couldn't drive then. had my license, but wasn't allowed and my parents said no to driving me a lot.) But it was this time when I realized that oat of me still wanted her. I remembered about the opportunity I had lost before and decided I did not want that to be lost in vain. I was gonna try again. I knew I had too, or else I would regret it.
I didn't see her much during the summer, because she was interning a long drive away, but we talked alot on FB. She said she wanted to hang out, though we couldn't. During this time, I was getting my parents' trust with the car. Finally as summer reached it's closing, she asked me if I wanted to see a movie. Just the two of us. I remember driving through torrential rain just to get there (still a relatively new driver) but I didn't care. Before and after the film, we talked a lot, but during the film, I put my arm around her. I know this isn't much, but I didn't want to go to fast and ruin things (I have a tendency for doing that). This was also a litmus test for me to see if it would be okay. and visibly it was. I'm sort of a pesemist in my view on life, but I remember feeling really good there.
A few weeks passed. School started, and we started acting like normal. Things were okay. But then one night on FB, I asked her if she wanted to hang out again, only to get a response similar to this: "You're an awesome guy. Seriously, like one of the most awesome people I know (BS lines) but we can't be more than friends." I just read the words in my mind a few times before posting "Story of my ****ing life" before logging off. She tried to call me, but I wouldn't answer the phone. I wasn't overly mad. I just wanted to let the reality sink in. And when it did, it began to ache. At this time, I was grounded from the computer, but I snuck on to do stuff, only to be confronted by her, asking me if I was okay. We talked for a little bit, and she said that she would have gone out with me several years ago, but now she couldn't becaise of the "bad things she had done in the past" >__> She wouldn't tell me what. But I couldn't keep talking. I had to get off because a parental unit was coming.
For two weeks, I felt very emo about the whole situation. I only talked to her when she talked to me first, but I avoided looking at her, because I felt sick when doing so. Eventually, we did get to talk online (too busy IRL) and she told me the same stuff as before. AND THIS IS WHERE I CHOPPED MY BALLS OFF! Yeah, THAT got your attention. anyway, I started talking about the way I felt (I hate doing so, but...) what I had given up, what I wanted, that I didn't care if she did things in the pas, how angry I was, etc. I told her I still wanted to go out with her. But she told me that because of her job and classes and etc, she told me to wait till December when she had time to commit to a relationship, but if I found somebody else by then, it would be okay. I said okay.
Just so you know, I'M NOT THAT NAIVE!I know that is code for "not interested" but I wanted to try. I had already put way too much emotion into this. I asked for help from friends. One told me to give her time, and it would pay off. another told me that if I kept hanging on, it would hurt me. and it did. I hated the uncertainty of it all so much. I went out on a blind date during this time. The date was nice, but I couldn't stay focused. I kept thinking about you know who.
A month or so that. A dance is coming up now. I asked her if she wanted to go, saying that I knew she wanted to wait
, but that she was the only girl I wanted to go with (if I had grown my balls back, consider them rehacked.) What she said was really a low blow. She told me she asked a friend already, and that she should have known I would ask her (YA THINK!?) I logged off, and was very depressed. The next day, we talked in person. She told me that whole thing about the "actions of the past" only for me to tell her it didn't bother me. and then she told me that I needed to let go and move on. The whole "waiting" game was just a plot to get me uninterested. and her parents apparently won't let her date (strict asian family)and that she never brought it up earlier becaise it embarrassed her. I was giving the cold and somewhat sad stare now, and asked her why she didn't just tell me to **** off a long time ago. she never answered. She also told me that she had intentiannally been acting cold to me, because she didn't want to lead me on. what she said last really injured me inside. she said that the way I felt were just stupid hormonal emotions that caused me to overreact, and that how I feel will be meaningless eventually. after this whole speech, she told me she still wanted me to be friends, and hugged me. I hugged back unsincerely though.
(if you're still reading this... you must be really patient.)
a month has passed since then. school is rough. I'm going to the dance with a friend. I act like I've moved on. I only talk with her if she talks first, because in all honesty, the whole "let's act like it never happened" deal don't play well with me, though I act like I'm okay. After we talked that day, I didn't go in my corner to cry about how life sucks. Because even though it does suck, I still have to live it. So I did. I can recognize the ups and downs. But after thinking about everything over and over again, I began to get pissed about the whole ordeal. Pissed that I though things could work. Pissed that I severed my manhood. But now that I think about it, there are so many holes in the story.
If she has strict parents, how could she get away with all these bad things? Somethings seem amiss. I think she's lying about both, and she doesn't want to go out with me because she thinks I'm boring or something (my theory.)
And even so, why did she ask me out if her parents wouldn't allow it? And the "as friends" thing is BS. Who goes to a movie alone with just one friend of opposite gender? I bet by then, she knew liked her too. She's a smart chick.
And why does she expect me to forget everything and be friends? After the ways she treated me, it's not impossible, but it ain't happening right now.
The whole "stupid emotions" has some truth to it. I assume I'll be over this in the next few months. But at the same time, I never felt this way about a girl before.
What's next? Well... I know I need to move on. That would be the best thing to do. BEcause I'm angry in this state. However, part of me still wants he. That part makes me sad. When I don't think about her, I feel good. But forgetting is probably not possible. The whole situation angers me. I wish I could understand why she is so different to me. Why I can't let go so easily. She's hurt me more than any woman I know, and yet, part of me wants to hold on, against all logic... I don't get it. Infatuation never did this to me before...
If you read this far, kudos to you. If you have anything to post, go ahead.
sounds just like a friend of mine.
