The Real History of Zelda
One day Ganondorf was making out with Hylia, like he usually does. Then, suddenly, she died. However, on the very last frame before she finished dying, Ganondorf thought to himself "Wouldn't it be nice if Hylia didn't die so we could keep making out? She's got such a nice body." And because Ganondorf was so powerful, Hylia was frozen in time, and Demise was created and sent back in time in order to save her life.
Demise had a very mischevious plan for how to save Hylia. First, he made some random girl his chosimba one. This girl was named Ghirahim. Then he made her meet this other guy, named Agahnim, and had him meet Ghirahim. They found out their names rhymed, so they fell in love. However, Demise doesn't like things that rhyme, so he killed Agahnim.
Ghirahim was really sad about this, because he was a girl, and girls get really emotional. So then Hylia sent Ghirahim back in time so he could save Agahnim, destroy demise, and free Hylia so she could die. But then demise imprisoned Ghirahim and made a clone of Ghirahim, who was a boy, and sent him forward in time so he could become the prince of devils or whatever he was. Then Demise made a clone of Agahnim, and sent him really far forward in time so he could give people a
link to the past.
Hylia had to come up with a new plan now for how to destroy Demise, so she decided to crash an asteroid into the earth. Then she realized this would cause a nuclear winter, so instead decided to crash a much smaller asteroid into the place where demise was. Then she found some loser named link and installed a supercomputer in his brain. This gave him the power to fight really well and be really smart, so he went to go free Hylia.
Now at this point you're probably wondering how Hylia was doing all this when she was frozen in time. Because she's a goddess, her mind is really overweight, so it kind of spilled out of the frozen time bubble. Her body was still there, though. Anyway, Link fought a bunch of people, but they were no match for his supercomputer, because he was essentially using an Action Replay in real life. Anyway, he wasn't able to stop Hylia from dying, but he sent her really far back in time, and then she died and stuck her soul in the body of some girl.
Demise hadn't been able to stop Hylia from dying, so he was really sad about failing in his responsibility. He didn't want anyone to see him crying, so he imprisoned himself in a sword. He fought that guy with the AR head, and got beaten buy him.
He felt sorry for the AR guy, because he was a real loser, so gave him a hint about Ganondorf, the ultra powerful 3.5 edition Warlock who created Demise. However, this was misinterpreted as Demise having created Ganondorf. A long time later, Hylia's meteor crashed into the earth, and destroyed the sword where Demise was crying, even though he couldn't be crying there anymore because he was dead. Clearly Hylia's brain isn't working properly.
Because Demise was created by accident, Ganondorf didn't know anything about it, and was really sad when Hylia died. He decided to try to bring her back to life so he could continue to make out with her. Plus, she'd almost gotten the hang of wavedashing. He heard about this thing called the Triforce, which he could use to bring her back to life, so he could try to get all of this.
Ganondorf set his plan in motion. He was going to get the Triforce, bring Hylia back to life, make out with her for a few years, then make all of Hyrule a peaceful place where everyone could live happily ever after. However, there was an evil woman who hated the word love named "Impa". She told Zelda that Ganondorf was evil and trying to make the world a horrible place. Zelda told Link this. When Ganondorf finally set his plan in motion, Link went forward in time. During the time he was gone, Ganondorf tried really hard to make the world a nice place.
However, Impa became bigger and stronger and changed her name to Beelza, and trained Sheik to be like her. Sheik was brainwashed into being evil, and the two of them went around terrorizing Hyrule. Ganondorf was really depressed about Hylia still being dead, so a reaper was able to take control of his body. It morphed the surrounding region and made it twisted.
Link showed up and saw the world in this really terrible state. Beelza had been killed after defeating the Leo dungeon, so Sheik was the only one left. Sheik told Link that Ganondorf was responsible for everything, even though it was actually her. Link believed her, and went to go stop Ganondorf.
Now, any real hero would have fused with a bird to gain the power to fly, gotten Ganondorf out of his depression, and then defeated the reaper. However, Link wasn't a very good hero, so instead he killed Ganondorf. Then the reaper revealed his true form, because he didn't have a depressed person's body to hide in anymore, and Link killed him pretty easily. Because the reaper was actually weaker than a piece of grass and was only able to take control of Ganondorf because Ganondorf was too depressed to notice.
At this point the timeline split into three different pieces. One where Link kept being an adult, one where he went back to being a kid, and one where he was too lazy to kill Ganondorf/The Reaper and wanted to spend his time playing really boring campy video games that came after awesome games with wavedashing in them. In this timeline, Beelza didn't die, and her and Sheik recruited Groose, and imprisoned Ganondorf.
For the next few forevers, some brave heroes tried to revive Ganondorf. However, because the winners always write history, everyone thought Ganon was bad, even though he was only going to try to make the world better for everyone. Eventually, Ganondorf was revived. In order to make people not attack him, he used Magic to disguise himself as Link. He then finished a dungeon, and was offered a Red Suit or a Blue Suit. He chose the Red Suit.
![Эикельманн [РУС]](/data/avatars/l/153/153661.jpg?1415225120){kind=avatar}
