Sometimes you wonder if its possible for you to be truly happy.
Not if it's possible to be truly happy, period. I know that's a thing, I've been there temporarily.
But just. In the now. Is it possible for you specifically to be truly happy?
I recall 10 years ago when I would frequent these forums. Life was simpler then, I would go to school, usually skip some classes, head home, play some mafia. Mom would cook dinner, it would almost always be fine, but not quite delicious. Ohwell. Play some Smash in the weekends. Play some other games during the week.
I stopped mafia because I started college. I graduated at quite a prestigious university, but who cares about that now? It was a lot of work. 60 hour weeks were not rare. Out of the 60+ people who started in my year, I'm one of the only 7 who graduated in the minimum time of 4 years. But still. Life was good. I was studying, learning, and focused on what I thought I wanted.
In the fourth year of my education something dawned on me. Through being busy all the time I never stopped to realize what I wanted. In my fourth year, I started playing Smash again... and it was so much fun. I had control. It was me who decided what was good enough, how much time to put in, and it let me measure directly to others. Of course, against better judgement I also did this during university, but it's different, in a sense.
This made me pause. What do I want to do?
Now I'm graduated and I've been working for about 4 years already. Crazy.
It sucks guys. Working is hands down the worst thing that ever happened to me. I work a 32 hour work week, so I even work less than average.
I feel like since I've started work, I haven't found true happiness. Even meeting the girl of my dreams. Even reaching my goals within Smash. Even spending days doing only what I want. Spending money on hedonistic pleasures. It's not there.
The fact that I'm required to sacrifice the better half of a week for literally zero emotional or personal gain (only financial) will always haunt me. The worst thing is, as much as I try to rationalize it as a choice (I want a roof above my head, obviously) I just can't shake the feeling that it's not a choice. Work has stolen control.
It's ****ing weird when you pause and realize that what you thought you wanted isn't what you want. It's a wake-up call. I imagine many others go through the same path I do, but never have that pause. They just keep doing what the system pushes them to do, and live a life of smoke and mirrors. Sometimes I wonder which I would prefer, myself.