I recently had to play a set against my brother in which I completely lost my cool and just forfeited in the middle of a game because I couldn't handle the competitive pressure. While I've been struggling with a problem with winning for years, I had never actually gone so far as to forfeit a set before, and it really bothers me that I did. It also happened in the wake of some very significant breakthroughs/improvements in my play, and I guess that isn't a coincidence. This feeling that whenever I beat someone I'm like, crushing their dreams lol, it's gotten harder to handle lately, and I think my improvement in the game might be related. In this case knowing that my brother has been working hard at the game too just got to me--I realized that I didn't even want to play (much less win) and I just wanted it to be over. Afterwards I was seriously wondering if I'm just not cut out for competition.
When I've brought up these sorts of questions before, you've told me to consider the importance of my own dreams. And I mean, I would say sure they're important, but I guess I have a hard time reconciling myself to the fact that I have to step over everyone else's dreams to achieve them? That's kind of messed up. But I certainly know that if I don't beat them, someone else will just come along and do it, and they'll have to come to terms with themselves then anyway. I also know that "crushing their dreams" is probably melodramatic and they'll be over it in a day or two. Besides, if you asked me with no context, I wouldn't say I'm particularly interested in helping others achieve their dreams anyway.
But all this makes me wonder whether or not I'm using the other person as an excuse. I've always been wary of ascribing a "fear of success" to myself because it sounds... pretentious. I've also thought it might cloud my judgement when I try to figure out why I failed at something. But at this point I'm not sure what else it could be. I'll have to do my research on the matter, but I needed to put this into words and I thought you might have some insight.