A Leap of Faith

[Chris Lionheart]

Link to original post: [drupal=3254]A Leap of Faith[/drupal]

I find myself in a very complicated situation. I've broken a rule in the "male code" (something I've never really agreed with) by falling for my best friend's sister (who is a close friend of mine herself). I've tried to stop myself... I've tried to convince myself to get over it and move on, but it just wasn't possible. I've never met a girl as beautiful as her... as smart as her... as talented as her... and most importantly, as kind as her. So with my only option now being to move forward and hope for the best, I want to make this work more than anything.

What is in my favor:
We get along very well. Normally, I'm nervous with girls, but this isn't the case this time.

No real competition to the best of my knowledge. She has plenty of stalkers, but they all bother her.

Plenty of common interests.


What isn't in my favor:
Aside from being my best friend, her brother is very protective, and is liable to stomp the face of any "threat" into the ground.

She's a good bit younger than me- 3 years, 1 month, and 4 days to be exact. At the ages of 18 and 15 though... I don't really care... it's not like I'm going to be doing anything to her anytime soon.




But in the end, I'm just left with this dilemma- should I take a leap of faith soon in hopes of getting what I want, or wait for months... possibly even years... so that I might be able to do this safely (assuming no one beats me to it).

If I do take this leap and things work out in my favor, I could have a date for prom (and of course dating her earlier is a benefit in itself), though I risk her not being ready for it. Early this school year, she had said that she was not ready for a boyfriend. I honestly don't know if that has changed or what the effects of my confession would be if I move to early.

On the other hand, waiting could allow me to do this more safely or it could result in me being too late. My graduation and going to college isn't an issue... my college of choice is not far from home. It's commutable.

I've gotten a fair number of opinions, most of which have told me that it might be to my advantage to not hesitate. I've even gotten her opinion (being vague enough to where it sounds more like a general self improvement issue than the truth), and she told me that she'ld probably take that leap eventually.


Regardless of what I choose, it doesn't change the simple fact that it is going to be one of the greatest challenges I've ever faced. I'm going to have to confront her brother on this (and I figure it would be wiser to tell him first).

So... what should I do?

 

[Mota]

This is definitely a complicated situation.

Personally, I don't think you should pursue your best friend's sister.

But if you still decide to, talking to the bro first is a good idea.

 

[Chris Lionheart]

I have decided.... that I must make my move, and preferably soon....

And so I have written up an email for her brother, seeing as how I won't be in school for the next two days, and will send it to him when I have the courage to... If I wait to confront him in person, it will be impossible to take her to prom, instead of just unlikely.... I'm really torn up about this and still wondering if I should do it...

 

[Kason Birdman]

i dated my friends sister once... though she was older than us. it worked out.... meh.. not great.

but honestly.. that is a veeery tough situation. i would probably talk to the brother first.
but with an age gap of 3 years, i can definetely see the brother picturing you as a threat and trying to keep you away from her.

 

[DarkLouis331]

Tell her how you feel. Simple as that. If you don't, you'll only keep on wondering. lol

So you're 19 and she's 16. So what? The gap isn't that bad. It sounds like you've got your priorities straight and not some sex-crazed *******. You have as much right to be together as gay/lesbian couples. Look at how far they've come in society fighting for their rights and fighting what society felt.

I would talk to her brother first though and tell him how you feel. See what he says, then go to her. No matter what her brother's reaction is. Tell her how her brother feels about it if he disapproves and see what she says about it. Let out what you have to say to her, but don't be too overdramatic. lol

Because actually, I had a similar situation with a girl. She was my best friend for about a year, I'm 20 atm, she's 16. Her older sister is in the same class as me, and I knew her older brother as well. We talked every night for two months before I told her. I always kind of liked her, but I had bad relationships in the past, which clouded my mind for awhile, and my parents disapproved of the age gap. One day, I decided that what I felt was very real, so I told her how I felt. Unfortunately, it didn't work out in my favor. She gave me the whole parents freaking out spheal, risking our friendship...yadda yadda, just a bunch of bullcrap. We've grown apart except for hanging out with our group of friends once in awhile right now, and honestly I know I'm going to lose her very soon. I can't handle being friends anymore. Her intention of us staying friends is going to backfire, unfortunately for both of us. Ugh...why couldn't she just say yes? Could've lasted longer and better than what we have now. Over a year's worth of memories, trips together, and awesomeness wasted and washed completely down the drain.

Anyway,

I waited too long to tell her. And it's yet another token to add to the "relationships suck" chest. The other chest I have (The positive one)...is empty.

Seriously, tell her as soon as you can, otherwise you'll be in that god**** "friend zone". And if that happens, just forget about her and keep a strong distance, because friendship never works out after having feelings for someone. (Friendship may work out later with time though.) Don't let what happened to me happen to you. If you can carry on a good conversation, you tease each other, and she doesn't seemed bothered by you, I think you like each other. Just be careful and don't have sex until she's 18...or you could be in a big mess of trouble. lol

Good luck with your decision. You can do it.

Keep us updated. I'd like to see how this turns out whether you tell her or not.

 

[Chris Lionheart]

In accordance with some advice I received I lessened my message to just asking her as friends to prom. Her brother took it better than I had feared. Atleast he hasn't beaten me to a pulp yet and is allowing her to make her own choice. I'm waiting for her decision right now. Hoping for the best.

 

[¯\_S.(ツ).L.I.D._/¯]

You're in a tough situation man. I don't really know what you should do, but I approve of the Assassin's Creed pic.

 

[DarkLouis331]

Hey, you're making progress. lol If you two have a good time and you're still feeling what you're feeling, ask her.

 

[Jam Stunna]

This isn't a "guy code" thing, this is common sense.

No older brother wants his younger sister dating an older guy, whether they're friends or not. Let this one go, it WILL end in disaster otherwise.

Also,

NEVER ASK A FEMALE FOR AN OPINION ABOUT THEM!!!

No matter how circumspect or how clever you think you're being, they always know you're talking about them.

And you asked your friend to date his sister through an email? Seriously? That is a mandatory face-to-face conversation if there ever was one. Although this is all pointless now since the deed is done.

 

[Lythium]

Jam is absolutely correct. Listen to the man.

 

[SyOn]

Males Only:

Spoiler

Bro Code Article 19

A Bro shall not sleep with another Bro's sister. However, a Bro shall not get angry if another Bro says, "Dude, your sister's hot!"

problem solved

 

[smash brawl player 99021]

Pretty large Age Gap... @_@ I would definently go to her brother first. Or parents...

 

[Chris Lionheart]

To be honest, Jam, I don't care about anything you just said. I am handling my task my way. It's not like I had any choice in the matter, especially on the email part.... and the email was to her brother, not her. I'm atleast going to talk to her.


Oh and Icy... the age gap isn't that big of a deal. Senior and Freshman couples happen regularly and are not that serious of an issue.


Edit:
She accepted. It may be only as friends, but that has to count for something!

 

[Ganonsburg]

Through personal experience and success, I would say the opposite of DL. The friend zone is a good place to be. The longer you're there, the more you get to know each other without trying. If you both realize that you want to be with each other and not discontinue your friendship, it's a very rewarding place to be. Eventually you just learn what it's like to be with them without having to test the waters by dating. Even later you'll learn whether or not you can work with a stronger relationship.

It's a very rewarding experience, if you're looking for someone to truly love. If you're looking for sex, I'm not the one to ask.

 

[Kingdom Come]

Dude, your a ****ing *******. First off if the guy is your friend he should respect how you feel. Unless your a total *** who can't defend himself like I am thinking you are, there is no reason to even fear fighting. Second if you don't care what other people give you as advice (Jam's Situation) then why would you post this up?

I don't even...

 

[DarkLouis331]

You do have a point. I guess it just depends on the degree of feelings you have for the girl. I mean with my girl of interest right now, we hung out every weekend for a year before I told her, talked a hell of alot, and I figured out that I had really strong feelings for her. It was amazing. This was for a whole year. Just knowing that I'm going to be stuck in that "friend zone" forever right now hurts. The friend zone sucks. After I told her, we never talk anymore and nothing is the same. I've tried to talk to other girls, but this one stands out so much bc we do hang out once in awhile. We're just casual buddies now after everything we went through. Going backwards in a friendship/relationship and her not meeting your expectations sucks, especially if she was leading you on. Through this, I learned I'm not the waiting kind of person. If she doesn't return your feelings, then move on and forget about her...which is what I'm going to do. Girls NEVER change their mind after they make a decision on a guy. And NEVER settle for friendship if you genuinely care about the girl. You'll only be wasting your time.

But yeah, I guess how you take "the friend zone" does depend on the degree of your feelings.

 

[Chris Lionheart]

Dude, your a ****ing *******. First off if the guy is your friend he should respect how you feel. Unless your a total *** who can't defend himself like I am thinking you are, there is no reason to even fear fighting. Second if you don't care what other people give you as advice (Jam's Situation) then why would you post this up?

I don't even...

Thanks for the.... insult?



And I phrased it wrong... I suppose I do care.... I just very much disagree. Such stereotyped and general advice as that doesn't apply to all women.

 

[Jam Stunna]

Well, it's up to you in the end Chris, like it always has been.

But you seem to totally disregard that other people have feelings, as if this is some romantic story where the whole world is against you but the power of your love will conquer all.

Have you really thought how your friend feels about all of this? The fact that he didn't pound your face in demonstrates to me at least that he's a better friend to you than you are to him.

Have you really considered the situation this puts the girl you want in? She has to choose between you and her brother. She has to live with him, not you. Did you think about that?

You told your friend that you want to take his sister to prom. You do know what the popular conception is about what happens after prom, right? What are your mutual friends going to think when they see you with his little sister? Have you thought about that?

I've read alot of your posts, Chris, and what I'm saying to you is that if you pulled your head out of your hopeless romantic *** you would absolutely know that this whole situation is wrong, and that it will inevitably lead to disaster. I suspect that you do know that, and you posted this in the hopes that the general consensus would be, "Follow your heart and it will all work out!" to smother the common sense kicking you in the *** even as you read this post.

I'm not part of that consensus. There are other people in this equation than you. What's more baffling to me than your total lack of respect for your friend and his family is your refusal to even recognize, much less admit, that your actions are selfish and damaging to everyone, including yourself.

But then again, admitting that wouldn't be particularly romantic, would it?

 

[rhan]

If you get the "OK" from your bro. Then it should be fine.

 

[GunmasterLombardi]

If you get the "OK" from your bro. Then it should be fine.

^This.

Basic, simple, to the point. Seriously people, be like this guy and resist typing novels.

 

[Jon Farron]

The age gap is nothing! my parents are 9 years apart! LOL! If you really like her, you should tell her how you feal.

 

[Disfunkshunal]

@john you have to take age n consideration. if your father was 18 and our mother was 9 would everything still be cool? The limits for age gaps increase with age imo 18 and 15 is slightly pushing but i also know a 16 and 24 couple.

I have to agree with jam and his novel in the end though

 

[Jam Stunna]

@ rhan and lombardi- it's not fine. This is like dating your friend's ex, no matter how many times your friend says it's okay, it's never really okay.

@Johnwalt- were your parents 15 and 24 when they started dating?

There is a real difference in maturity between a 15 year old and an 18 year old.

Ninja'd by toondiddy lol

 

[Jon Farron]

@Johnwalt- were your parents 15 and 24 when they started dating?

There is a real difference in maturity between a 15 year old and an 18 year old.

My Mom was in her 30's and my dad in his 20's :/ i see now, lol

 

[rhan]

@ rhan and lombardi- it's not fine. This is like dating your friend's ex, no matter how many times your friend says it's okay, it's never really okay.

Yeah it is. lol You should date whoever you want no matter what. If your friend said yeah it's cool then later gets jelous then that's on him cause he's your bro and suppose to keep it 100 with you. If he says yes it would bother him then it's either you risk that friendship or respect his feelings.

BTW, I'm possibly about to date my friends Ex in a few days. He says it's fine. So he shouldn't get jelous or upset when I do because he gave me the "OK". If he does happen to get jelous, that's on him not me.

And age means nothing when it's 16 and up really. But if it was like you're going out with a 12 year old and your 17.... There is something wrong there.

But to the OP you're straight on the age thing.

 

[GunmasterLombardi]

If his friend is honestly very protective toward his sister than you'd think that if he said "OK", he meant it. You would just take it nice and easy w/ her and slowly lean toward your goal.

For the ex-girlfriend thing you made, if his friend was truly done w/ the ex than it would be ok for someone else to date her. But people can never actually break a connection once they make it...

 

[Chris Lionheart]

Well, it's up to you in the end Chris, like it always has been.

But you seem to totally disregard that other people have feelings, as if this is some romantic story where the whole world is against you but the power of your love will conquer all.

Have you really thought how your friend feels about all of this? The fact that he didn't pound your face in demonstrates to me at least that he's a better friend to you than you are to him.

Have you really considered the situation this puts the girl you want in? She has to choose between you and her brother. She has to live with him, not you. Did you think about that?

You told your friend that you want to take his sister to prom. You do know what the popular conception is about what happens after prom, right? What are your mutual friends going to think when they see you with his little sister? Have you thought about that?

I've read alot of your posts, Chris, and what I'm saying to you is that if you pulled your head out of your hopeless romantic *** you would absolutely know that this whole situation is wrong, and that it will inevitably lead to disaster. I suspect that you do know that, and you posted this in the hopes that the general consensus would be, "Follow your heart and it will all work out!" to smother the common sense kicking you in the *** even as you read this post.

I'm not part of that consensus. There are other people in this equation than you. What's more baffling to me than your total lack of respect for your friend and his family is your refusal to even recognize, much less admit, that your actions are selfish and damaging to everyone, including yourself.

But then again, admitting that wouldn't be particularly romantic, would it?

Thanks for insulting me. Let me tell you. I might actually care that some random person on the internet spat at me as if he knew who I was, how I feel, and how my friends feel if I weren't so happy for how things turned out.

Don't you dare accuse me of lacking respect for my best friend. On the contrary... I have respected him for the entirety of the nearly 7 years I have known him and his family. Yes, I feared he would overreact at my expense, but not out of any disrespect for him. He is and has always been very protective, constantly threatening those who bother her with such punishments. Considering I had even been on the receiving end of a few of those threats (jokingly or serious I could never tell) for over a year, I think it fair to fear he would carry it out. And judging by the fact that he is twice my size and strength, fear is definitely the right emotion. But I atleast gave him enough benefit of the doubt to try. The fact that I went to him first, despite what I was risking... that proves how much I respect him.

Do you really have the audacity to assume these things about me and insult my entire way of thinking, my friendships, and my very life?! Ok, I admit it... I am a romantic at heart... I always have been and probably always be. But this is not a stuck up way of thinking. I have no illusions about reality. But neither do I doubt everything I see and feel! If I want something... I'm going to try my hardest to earn it, if such is possible.

And do you really think I forced myself on them?! No... I asked this fairly after tearing myself up for over half a year trying to figure out how I could do this without offending either of them. I gave them both the choice and the right to deny me. And why? Because I want them to want this as well. Do not assume that I am trying to selfishly get my way... no. In the end, it is what she (or they) want that will decide what happens. And if necessary, I will wait patiently for as long as it takes. If I have to wait for years until I either move on or she is ready for a relationship, then I will.


And no... I do not know what people assume happens after prom, unless you are talking about sex. And such assumptions are COMPLETELY false. Even my best friend is an example of this. The girl he is bringing is one he is barely even friends with and he has no intentions of making it otherwise. Because he seems to prioritize his wallet over his relationships. It was made very clear by me and to me that our relationship at the prom would be just as friends. They are keeping a close eye on me and I would have it no other way. If our relationship ever develops further... it will be because she wants it to.




In the end, what I wanted was legitimate advice. Not fairy tell ****, and surely not your pompous mutterings. Thank you and have a good day.

 

[Jam Stunna]

Why can everyone quote except for me?

@rhan- everything else you said is a matter of opinion, except for the age thing. Age doesn't really stop counting until your mid-twenties or so. Of course, you don't realize it until you ARE in your mid-twenties, and you can look back at how you acted when you were 15, and how you acted when you were 18 and see the appreciable difference. Or even sooner; when you're 20, you won't believe how stupid you were when you were 16.

My wife and I were three years apart when we met (I was 20 and she was 23), and we had problems, the kind that would have broken us up if it weren't for other circumstances. No one is special, no one is unique, no one can make miracles happen. My wife and I are still together because something stronger came along to hold us to each other, not because we magically side-stepped that landmine. Age differences is one of those red flags that people can't see until their looking back on their ended relationship and say, "The warning sign was there all along."

EDIT- @ Chris- Actions speak louder than words, man.

 

[Disfunkshunal]

@rhan

keep in mind guys arent known for always showing their emotions. if i as in the bro's place or your friends place id put on a happy face and say everything's cool but it would eat at me inside. Your just supposeto know to steer clear of that mine field.

"16 and up age doesnt matter"

shes 15 XD

EDIT: thats ironic especially because i just spent 5 minutes looking for a ninja pic XP

 

[Chris Lionheart]

@rhan

keep in mind guys arent known for always showing their emotions. if i as in the bro's place or your friends place id put on a happy face and say everything's cool but it would eat at me inside. Your just supposeto know to steer clear of that mine field.

"16 and up age doesnt matter"

shes 15 XD

I will give him no reason to be torn up. For now until she is old enough, I will just be her friend, and I will prove that to him.


@Jam

The same could be said for your statements, you know that, right?.... And I have every intention of backing up everything. The thing that defines me isn't some over-romantic zeal but an absolute devotion to my best friends.

 

[rhan]

Why can everyone quote except for me?

@rhan- everything else you said is a matter of opinion, except for the age thing. Age doesn't really stop counting until your mid-twenties or so. Of course, you don't realize it until you ARE in your mid-twenties, and you can look back at how you acted when you were 15, and how you acted when you were 18 and see the appreciable difference. Or even sooner; when you're 20, you won't believe how stupid you were when you were 16.

I can agree with that. Though I also agree with the concept of young love. Meh.

My wife and I were three years apart when we met (I was 20 and she was 23), and we had problems, the kind that would have broken us up if it weren't for other circumstances. No one is special, no one is unique, no one can make miracles happen. My wife and I are still together because something stronger came along to hold us to each other, not because we magically side-stepped that landmine. Age differences is one of those red flags that people can't see until their looking back on their ended relationship and say, "The warning sign was there all along."

Congrats on the relationship.

But honestly I still don't see how age is the cause of the problem.... What I believe that makes (or breaks) a relationship is both people's emotional and mental state. An 18 year old may be younger than a 21 year old, but his/her maturaty may be greater than that of the 21 year old. So the way I see it is that the relationship can only true work out if both people is mature and understanding of one another.

Edit:

@rhan

keep in mind guys arent known for always showing their emotions. if i as in the bro's place or your friends place id put on a happy face and say everything's cool but it would eat at me inside. Your just supposeto know to steer clear of that mine field.

"16 and up age doesnt matter"

shes 15 XD

EDIT: thats ironic especially because i just spent 5 minutes looking for a ninja pic XP

Well I guess I am just speaking for myself. I wear my heart on my sleve so I'm more emotional than the average guy.

And the age thing doesn't really change anything to me as stated in the above response to Jam.

 

[†Slader7†]

Dude, what if the relationship doesn't last?
Then you lost your best friend and your girl friend

 

[GunmasterLombardi]

Dude, what if the relationship doesn't last?
Then you lost your best friend and your girl friend

You will not get anywhere in life thinking of the bad rather than the good.

 

[Chris Lionheart]

Dude, what if the relationship doesn't last?
Then you lost your best friend and your girl friend

For that to happen there has to be a relationship in the first place... and right now there isn't... There can only be if she so wishes it.

And if it doesn't last? Do I not have a part in influencing it's longevity. I would treat her as well as I can. If it does not last, it will not be because of any dissatisfaction on my part. And I would harbor no ill will. All I've been thus far is understanding and I've never been one for inconsistency. The thing is, it's no secret that the foundation of love is friendship. You can have the later without the former, but you can never truly have the former without the later. So I am going to see whether this can be the former or remain the later. I have no reason for bitterness if that isn't the case.

Thing is... they will always be my best friend and my girlfriend/best friend/whatever to me. They have always inspired me and made my life worth living, and I have no intention of letting them slip away in any circumstances. That's not naivity... that's determination.

 

[†Slader7†]

You will not get anywhere in life thinking of the bad rather than the good.

But ignoring the bad will just double its blow.

For that to happen there has to be a relationship in the first place... and right now there isn't... There can only be if she so wishes it.

And if it doesn't last? Do I not have a part in influencing it's longevity. I would treat her as well as I can. If it does not last, it will not be because of any dissatisfaction on my part. And I would harbor no ill will. All I've been thus far is understanding and I've never been one for inconsistency. The thing is, it's no secret that the foundation of love is friendship. You can have the later without the former, but you can never truly have the former without the later. So I am going to see whether this can be the former or remain the later. I have no reason for bitterness if that isn't the case.

Thing is... they will always be my best friend and my girlfriend/best friend/whatever to me. They have always inspired me and made my life worth living, and I have no intention of letting them slip away in any circumstances. That's not naivity... that's determination.

But how would your friend feel? Its one thing hanging out as 3 friends. Its another thing when you're hanging out as one couple and a third person. All I'm saying is that you have to take into consideration the other people around you.

 

[Jam Stunna]

@ rhan- You're absolutely right that an 18 year old can be the emotional equal of a 21 year old. I've found that age is a pretty accurate indicator of emotional maturity though, with the higher the number meaning higher amounts of maturity (up to a certain point, of course).

 

[Chris Lionheart]

Have you considered that maybe I'm not viewing us as a 15 and an 18 year old? I could be viewing us as, as you put it, a 23 and a 20 year old. As far as I see my future, I have college to go to.... classes to take..... books to write..... money to make. Then, if it hasn't already happened and can still happen, what then would you say? Would my patience be lunacy to you? I'm 18 years old and have never been on so much as a date. A few years of waiting is as trivial to me as a day if it means that I will meet my goals in the end.

 

[Disfunkshunal]

@chris
it doesnt mateer what you do i myself would be very uneasy wiht the situation reguardless of how you acted

@rhan
i see what you mean about the maturity thing but you used an 18 and 21 year old both of them are already pretty mature. Siding wiht the law on this anyone under 18 still has a bit of maturing t do. i dont believe in relations where one person is legally mature and the other isnt outside of 2 years.

 

[Chris Lionheart]

@chris
it doesnt mateer what you do i myself would be very uneasy wiht the situation reguardless of how you acted

@rhan
i see what you mean about the maturity thing but you used an 18 and 21 year old both of them are already pretty mature. Siding wiht the law on this anyone under 18 still has a bit of maturing t do. i dont believe in relations where one person is legally mature and the other isnt outside of 2 years.

And you don't think I'm uneasy? Of course I am.... I'm still a bit on edge... but does that mean that this isn't worth my careful pursuit? No... some things are worth their inherent risks.

 

[Disfunkshunal]

Thats what im saying if you know it will be uneasy all around avoid the whole situation altogether.

Although you seem to have your heart set on this plan my final word on the subject tonight is make sure you actually love her. What i mean by that is really evaluate how you feel and make sure its not just lust. i have been in situations like that and would hate for something like that to happen in this case considering everything at stake.