Writing Workshop- Enter WWYP X!

[Jam Stunna]

Reviews for the latest entries are coming, I promise. I've just been busy the last few days.

 

[feardragon64]

Don't worry about it Jam. We know you people have lives.
You had better things to do.

But CK I expected better from you. You lied to me.

Since Jam got you, I'll take the next one to post.

Just kidding. =b

Edit: Hope ya feel better CK. =[ Drink lots of orange juice!

 

[Crimson King]

Sinus infection, nauseous to sit-up, muchless eat. Sleeping a lot makes hear hurt less. If I don't kill myself by Saturday, I'll get some **** posted.

 

[chaos_Leader]

Alright, I'll bite.

Part 1:

Silhouetting the sunset, against a lavender sky that faded into a fiery red on the western horizon, stood a great oak tree. It did not huddle in a forest, but rooted itself in the open field; a grand, solitary monument of nature. The tree’s immense branches, which reached out in all directions, were barren. Spring had not yet fully overcome the harsh winter that still held the great oak firmly in its grasp. Only the first promises of springtime buds protruded from the outlying twigs. Just as the phoenix rises from ashes, so too will spring rise from winter.

99 words,

I'll get to part two later.

good luck with that sinus infection CK

 

[TigerWoods]

I love writing! Anyway tear me up....

I looked at Laura, sitting on a lifeless tree, overshadowed by the face of a lavender sky, with it's sanguine crest for shoulders. Oh Laura, I am sorry but I cannot play here with you anymore. Please go inside since it is getting quite cold. She continued to sit there, staring blankly into the distance. A beautiful tear crept down her face. Loudly, I screamed at her to go inside, for it started to snow hard. She did not budge. Slowly, what felt like a tear fell down from what felt like my eye. What felt like my heart began to feel what felt like an ache. Oh Laura, I love you.

Laura jumped down from the tree. She picked branches from the tree and made an R. She made an I. She made a P, and went inside.


A little short, but I'm more of a poet anyway.
A bit rushed too =/

 

[Jam Stunna]

Corwin wavered as he crossed the savanna. Finally, the sun was at rest and he stumbled his way to the tree in relief. At last, The heat would no longer add to the mess of burdens on his mind. With a thud, he landed beside the tree and rested his back upon the branches and closed his eyes. He muttered to himself, "Corwin, how the hell did you get yourself into this mess?" as he gazed into the sky. Despite wandering for hours, it occurred to him that not once had he took in the beauty of the area. What originally only seemed to be a desolate wasteland with no life save a tree every half a mile now released a calm aura that one simply could not appreciate back home. Tired as he was from walking, the tranquility of the area had relaxed his body and his mind felt refreshed.

Corwin went over his situation in his head. He hadn't the slightest clue where he was or how he got here. He had half a canteen of water, no food, the clothes on his back and Sliver wrapped around his right arm, fast asleep. Despite being a loyal companion and guardian, Sliver was as helpless as Corwin in this situation. She silently slept until he called upon her for assistance. Until then, she was merely a multi-colored bracelet. He needed to find a way to survive on his own until he could find a way out of this mess.

I made a few editing changes, but what I really want you to focus on are the three sentences that I highlighted. Find a way to re-write them in a more succinct form that will still get your point across.

Here's mine!

________________________

The man stood still against the scene before him. He glanced at the sky above, a veil of purple that reached down and stretched across the sky, before turning back to the horizon. As the sun went down, dying in a blaze of red and orange, a tree stood amidst its majesty, its colors drained by the fading sun, and its branches frayed and rigid at its top.

Feeling a surge of warmth flow through his heart, the man walked forward and smiled. As he crossed the distance, he leaned his head forward, and let himself slide down the tree trunk and drop onto a pile of leaves.

“Don’t worry, ya wittle oaky, those ****ed tree mongers won’t lay a claw on you now that I’m here. Aye ya…got theez little contracts ere” he reached into a rucksack on his back and produce a stack of papers. “Sez ya can’t be chopped, nor a single ‘air on yer ‘ead be touched” he grinned. He ran a hand over the trees base, his face lit up and his eyes glittering a kindly blue.

“YES!” he suddenly rose up and pumped his arm in a fist. “And soon, nobody from ‘ere ta Oregon will be able ta touch theeis good land around us. By golly, I’ll have every tree cutter, wood chopper, lumber makin fool round ‘ere packin their bags and skipping, OR ME NAMES NOT LEVIN!!”

Levin ran into the distance, in celebration of life and its joys that he would now forever save, leaving an audible blaze of energy in his wake...

Most of what you have here is dialogue, and I'm not ready to correct that yet. One thing that both you and feardragon did was start your stories with "The man", when you're character has a name. Why? Since his name is not being revealed in dialogue, it doesn't make sense to refer to him as "The man" up until a certain point, and then arbitrarily begin referring to him by his name. Just stick with one or the other; either call him "The man" or call him by his name.

I highlighted the last sentence for several reasons. First off it's pretty corny, but that's not a crime. The main reason though is because of the last part of the sentence. What is an "audible blaze of energy"? How would you describe that to someone? Does such a thing exist? You want to avoid describing scenes or characters in terms that aren't concrete and understandable.

I remember I tried to write a sex scene once, and being a virgin at the time, I had no idea what sex was like, so I used some pretty cliche descriptions. One that stood out in my memory is, "He reveled in the smell of her." My creative writing teacher asked me what that meant, and I couldn't answer him. If you don't know what you're writing, there's a pretty good chance that your audience won't know either.

Lastly, don't end with an ellipse. This is supposed to be a self-contained scene, so ending it in that way just damages the cohesiveness of what you've written.


I'll get to the rest of you guys later.

 

[The Mano Games VII]

Actually, the phrase "an audible blaze of energy" was supposed to mean that he ran with so much energy, that you could practically hear the energy behind him. I can say why you didn't like it though, I'll try to think of something else.

But what's corny about the first time I used it? That's pretty much what the afternoon light looked like to me, and I thought it was a pretty cool way of describing how bright the red and orange lights were, with the blaze thrown in to create a sort of "a candle always burns brightest before going out", or a "going out with a bang" sort of effect. Cuz that's pretty much what a sunset symbolizes to me, the suns last hour of glory before disappearing.

Edit: Just a note, techically, Levins name was revealed in the dialogue...it's just that all the dialogue was his own...and I can see how that's kinda silly, I'm just pointing that out though.

 

[Jam Stunna]

I love writing! Anyway tear me up....

I looked at Laura, sitting on a lifeless tree, overshadowed by the face of a lavender sky, with it's sanguine crest for shoulders. Oh Laura, I am sorry but I cannot play here with you anymore. Please go inside since it is getting quite cold. She continued to sit there, staring blankly into the distance. A beautiful tear crept down her face. Loudly, I screamed at her to go inside, for it started to snow hard. She did not budge. Slowly, what felt like a tear fell down from what felt like my eye. What felt like my heart began to feel what felt like an ache. Oh Laura, I love you.

Laura jumped down from the tree. She picked branches from the tree and made an R. She made an I. She made a P, and went inside.


A little short, but I'm more of a poet anyway.
A bit rushed too =/

Hm, I'm going to have to default to CK on this one. I actually really like it, but I don't think I'm qualified to really comment on it because of it's poetic qualities. I really suck at poetry.

 

[TigerWoods]

Hm, I'm going to have to default to CK on this one. I actually really like it, but I don't think I'm qualified to really comment on it because of it's poetic qualities. I really suck at poetry.

Sure thing! Glad to know someone actually likes my stuff.

EDIT: Am I too "old" to be in here? I'm not really a regular contributor or anything but I'd like to say I'm good xD.

 

[Crimson King]

I looked at Laura, sitting on a lifeless tree, overshadowed by the face of a lavender sky, with it's sanguine crest for shoulders. Oh Laura, I am sorry but I cannot play here with you anymore. Please go inside since it is getting quite cold. She continued to sit there, staring blankly into the distance. A beautiful tear crept down her face. Loudly, I screamed at her to go inside, for it started to snow hard. She did not budge. Slowly, what felt like a tear fell down from what felt like my eye. What felt like my heart began to feel what felt like an ache. Oh Laura, I love you.

Laura jumped down from the tree. She picked branches from the tree and made an R. She made an I. She made a P, and went inside.

As per usual, I highlighted adjectives and adverbs. Basically, you want to evaluate each on it's own as you begin to craft a bigger story. Lifeless tree is fine as it foreshadows death. Leavender and sanguine are also fine - colors. Quite cold I am not a fan of. Quite, like a few other words, are empty words because they hold no meaning. What is quite a bit more than something? What is quite a bit less? In this case, I'd remove quite. Blankly is good, but I rather "she was staring towards nothing" to keep of that theme of death and oblivion. "Beautiful" is another dead word because it has no quantity. "The beautiful doll sat beautifully on the beautiful cabinet." My poetry teacher would always cite that example because the word really means nothing. Also, beautiful doesn't work as well to me. Consider maybe, an honest tear? I dunno, just revise that portion. Loudly and hard are the same. Quantifiers instead of qualifiers. Instead of saying "loudly," say "as loud as" and create an original as possible simile. Instead of saying "hard," make it a metaphor.

Beyond those, the paragraph sets up a good story, but works as a great ending to a story, where a character is following a girl through out who ignores him, and in the end, it's revealed he's dead. The last sentence really isn't good. She jumps down from a tree and grabs a branch, but where is she writing RIP? I thought she was carving it into a tree, but it looks like she's writing it in the ground,which, if she is, has to be a symbolism for temporary life and permanent death, and you have to have that symbolism built in the story with examples.

 

[Jam Stunna]

Allright, we haven't forgotten about this. In the next few days we'll move on to setp 3, so get your entry in or make your corrections.

 

[feardragon64]

Sorry I'm so late on this. Midterms got the best of me.

Corwin wavered as he crossed the savanna. Finally, the sun was at rest and he stumbled his way to the tree in relief. At last, The heat would no longer add to the mess of burdens on his mind. At last he sat down beside the tree and let out a deep breathe. His lips were parched and his legs were sore as ever. He gazed into the sunset and muttered to himself, "Corwin, how the hell did you get yourself into this mess?" Despite wandering for hours, it occurred to him that not once had he took in the beauty of the area. The desolate wasteland he wandered had a strange sense of beauty to it that he couldn't find in a town. The silence resonated across the plains and produced a calming effect on all of the non existent life around. Tired as he was from walking, the tranquility of the area had relaxed his body and his mind felt refreshed.

Corwin went over his situation in his head. He hadn't the slightest clue where he was or how he got here. He had half a canteen of water, no food, the clothes on his back and Sliver wrapped around his right arm, fast asleep. Despite being a loyal companion and guardian, Sliver was as helpless as Corwin in this situation. She silently slept until he called upon her for assistance. Until then, she was merely a multi-colored bracelet. He needed to find a way to survive on his own until he could find a way out of this mess.

 

[Crimson King]

I'll get that one tonight after I write a bit.

 

[feardragon64]

Thanks CK, take your time.
I assume you're feeling better by now. =]
Also, question: for future parts should we start quoting our old posts since things should start being linked together? Or is it just too early to worry about that?

 

[comboking]

Buzz told me I could be a writer. I will show proof. http://www.smashboards.com/member.php?u=86296 second to last message

 

[comboking]

This is a big humongous tree.It spreads beautifully around the red and orange sunset. The light tap of breeze passing through it's branches makes a comforting sound. All your dreams come true around this tree you mind escapes throught the ectasy of live.

thats all I have right now edit it and Flame me if you need to

 

[Crimson King]

This [reference error] is a big humongous tree. It spreads beautifully (fluff word) around the red and orange sunset. The light tap of breeze passing through it's branches makes a comforting sound. (not following this, but go with it) All your dreams come true around this tree;your mind escapes through the ecstasy of live. (not much of a last sentence)

Though we are past this step, it's short enough to edit. A lot of work to get this into anything workable. First, read descriptive passages and really read some of Ernest Hemingway. He does the whole "short, descriptive text" best. Secondly, use a dictionary when writing. A lot of words didn't work at all. "Ecstasy of live" means nothing. Finally, learn basic grammatical rules. To write means you command the language to do your bidding. You need to take the reins.

 

[The Mano Games VII]

Hey guys, Jam says that me writing "dying in a blaze of red and orange" is kinda cheesy, but I'm not quite sure on how it's cheesy. Is it a cliche, or an overused phrase or something?

 

[Jam Stunna]

Hey guys, Jam says that me writing "dying in a blaze of red and orange" is kinda cheesy, but I'm not quite sure on how it's cheesy. Is it a cliche, or an overused phrase or something?

That's not what I said was cheesy. I said this line was cheesy:

Levin ran into the distance, in celebration of life and its joys that he would now forever save,

I stand by that assessment.

 

[feardragon64]

Corwin wavered as he crossed the savanna. Finally, the sun was at rest and he stumbled his way to the tree in relief. At last, The heat would no longer add to the mess of burdens on his mind. At last he sat down beside the tree and let out a deep breathe. His lips were parched and his legs were sore as ever. He gazed into the sunset and muttered to himself, "Corwin, how the hell did you get yourself into this mess?" Despite wandering for hours, it occurred to him that not once had he took in the beauty of the area. The desolate wasteland he wandered had a strange sense of beauty to it that he couldn't find in a town. The silence resonated across the plains and produced a calming effect on all of the non existent life around. Tired as he was from walking, the tranquility of the area had relaxed his body and his mind felt refreshed.

Corwin went over his situation in his head. He hadn't the slightest clue where he was or how he got here. He had half a canteen of water, no food, the clothes on his back and Sliver wrapped around his right arm, fast asleep. Despite being a loyal companion and guardian, Sliver was as helpless as Corwin in this situation. She silently slept until he called upon her for assistance. Until then, she was merely a multi-colored bracelet. He needed to find a way to survive on his own until he could find a way out of this mess.

I'll get that one tonight after I write a bit.

Thanks CK, take your time.
. . .
Also, question: for future parts should we start quoting our old posts since things should start being linked together? Or is it just too early to worry about that?

Sorry for the bump, but just didn't want my thing to fall under without getting an answer to my question and confirmation that what I have so far is acceptable.

 

[Crimson King]

I got school work that I still didn't catch up on, so I'm putting it off until tomorrow.

 

[feardragon64]

Fair enough. By no means am I rushing you or anything, I just didn't want it to get buried. Mainly, I didn't want the question to get buried since it's not exactly entirely noticeable. But I understand seeing as I have finals and midterms myself right now.

 

[The Mano Games VII]

Levin ran into the distance, in celebration of life and its joys that he would now forever save,

Ah, I see....wow, that is pretty cheesy now that I think of it, lol.

 

[feardragon64]

Can I assume this isn't going to advance until after finals and crap? lol

 

[chaos_Leader]

I've spent the last week or so writing for my college final. so yeah, it'll be slow until finals are done.

 

[Jam Stunna]

I talked to CK, and he and Virg have something in the pipeline, so we're taking a break from this until further notice.

 

[Crimson King]

As promised, I'll hit Fear Dragon tomorrow after school and that'll catch us up, too I believe.

 

[Skler]

Now that finals are done will setp 3 be starting soon?

 

[Jam Stunna]

Yes. I thought that there was going to be another project being announced back here, but there hasn't been anything yet, so I'm assuming that's a no-go for now.

Expect something this weekend.

 

[M.K]

I'm sorry I saw this topic so late! Am I still allowed to have my writing evaluated? I hope so, I'll post it here just in case:

Among the loneliness of the barren field was the silhouette of a giant tree. Like the tiny streams of a splitting crook, the branches of the tree rained down from the sun-drenched sky until they converged into one and burrowed down into the ground. The rich warm colors of the sky contrasted the quaint beauty of the giant tree, creating a picture that words could only describe as "magnificent". As the day dives deeper into the horizon, the lonely tree fades into the obscurity of night, to rest alone again.

 

[Jam Stunna]

Okay, I've been thinking about this, and I'm going to take things in a different direction. The original idea was to build an entire story based around that tree image by adding more complicated layers to the assignment, but I don't think that's such a good idea anymore. Instead, I want to focus on the various aspects of writing, and someday have you guys write a story about whatever YOU want to. But that date is far off.

New assignment: Design a protagonist for a story. It can be male, female, dog, cat, alien, tall, short, whatever you want. Post the characters vitals in this thread in the following format:

Name:
Age:
Height:
Weight:
Eye Color:
Hair Color:
Distinguishing Features:

You don't have to include all of this information and you can certainly add more if it will help you. What I want is for everyone to have a very clear mental image of the character, because the clearer the image is to you, the easier it is for you to describe that character to the reader. Remember, when you're writing, you're not just dealing with names. You're dealing with people.

EDIT- This assignment is open to everyone. You don't need to have completed the previous tasks.

 

[Crimson King]

I have a 3 page document of questions you should know about your character. If you want, I can find that.

 

[Jam Stunna]

That would be helpful.

 

[feardragon64]

I have a 3 page document of questions you should know about your character. If you want, I can find that.

Hooray, the project is back up!

So should we wait for the 3 page fill in the blanks?

 

[Jam Stunna]

Hooray, the project is back up!

So should we wait for the 3 page fill in the blanks?

Nah, go ahead and go for it. We'll adjust later if necessary.

 

[Skler]

Name: John Harris
Age: 23
Height: 6'
Weight: 180 lbs.
Eye Color: Green
Hair Color: Light brown
Distinguishing features: A farmer's tan and a long face that fits his lean build.

Edited slightly. Not sure if I should describe his appearance more in depth because it's (supposed to be) average for the most part.

 

[Jam Stunna]

"Distinguishing Feature" in the sense that it goes beyond the basics. Like freckles, a lazy eye, piercings, things of that nature. It doesn't have to be something obvious (like a scar), but just something that you would notice as distinct if the person was your friend.

 

[chaos_Leader]

Sure, I'll bite.

Name: Ethan Costello
Age: 43
Height: 5'9"
Weight: underweight, but not desperately so.
Eye Color: hazel
Hair Color: brown with some graying
Distinguishing Features: the hairline is beginning to recede, his beard appears not to have had a decent shave in a long time. Wears a dirty argyle-pattern sweater vest over a shirt with rolled-up sleeves. Almost always has a battered brief-case with him.

 

[feardragon64]

Name: Rastlin Pathos
Age: 19
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 145lb
Eye Color: left eye gold, right eye blue
Hair Color: White
Distinguishing Features: His left eye is not only gold, but lacks an eyelid to cover it. Instead, he uses a cloth that is wrapped around left eye to keep it covered. His face is marked with wrinkles despite his age. He is in moderate shape, leaning neither toward strong nor weak.

Going to wait for the big questionare to come in before adding more details.

 

[feardragon64]

Sorry for double post but.....

Did we die again?