My given name is Nate. I'm from the so-called "Bible Belt" in the Midwest United States. Around here most people of religious background are Christians and, for all intents and purposes, I am one too. But with that in mind, I hate calling myself one because of my beliefs. Yes, I believe the core ideologies of Christianity, but disagree with a lot of the more common points of contention. (For example, I'm clearly pro-LGBT.)
Ever since I was in kindergarten, I always knew I wasn't like the other kids. Not "normal." I never saw any problem with girls. Never liked the "girls have cooties" stereotype. One time I went home with a headband given to me for the fourth of July celebration (they were out of bracelets for the boys so I volunteered to take the girly headband happily.) Unfortunately, my mother took it as "they're trying to make my son gay!"
For years, I've always liked the idea of wearing girly clothes because I hate the ones designed for men. They're too itchy, too ugly, not fashionable enough! And in the back of my mind there's always been the question "What would my life be like if I had been born a girl?"
But it took a close friend coming out as trans for me to really think about my viewpoint. I couldn't hold it against her for wanting to be who she was! I didn't think much of it at the time, but the things she said in her coming out post applied almost scarily so to me.
Then came the day I took a quiz that a friend took on Facebook designed to tell you what percentage of your brain is masculine and which is feminine.
My results? Double the number of feminine answers to masculine ones. 64% to 32% with 4% neutral. Whenever I take these quizzes that say "let us guess your gender based on your answers" I always get female. So, in essence, this is the straw that broke the camel's back. It threw me into an identity crisis, one that lo and behold, my trans friends were able to help me through, because they've been through it before.
I chose a name for myself, Sabrina, and I've been letting them and some other close friends call me it. Most importantly, when I discussed all of this with my girlfriend, she's supported me too and even came out to me as bisexual. My coming out to her helped her to finally face a truth about her she had repressed - and I think that's awesome. The more my friends and my girl call me Sabrina... The more I feel I made the right choice. For the first time in 17 years I'm proud of who I am, and I'm happy with who I am. I love myself again, which is a feeling I haven't had since before puberty.
All's not well though. My family doesn't know, and until I can afford to have a vehicle, and for my girlfriend and I to get an apartment together, I can't tell them. I have to suffer and be mis-gendered by my own family because I have no other choice.
