Dear Tim,
I know I should be writing about how I should be given another chance, blah blah whatever. But in truth, I believe if anything it should be the other way around. I mean, come on. I kick total *** at my job, and everyone else’s job for that matter. Considering the average I.Q. for the employees here can’t be out of the single digits (and that is factoring my I.Q. into the equation because you guys really suck) it really shouldn’t be any surprise that I kick such a ridiculous amount of *** when compared to the rest of you. But somehow you still fail to realize my extreme superiority (in everything except one key skill employees must have: manager ball fondling, anyway), so this letter must be made.
Even when my ******* support manager forgets to wake up because he is too drunk, so I’m left alone on the busiest day of the week, I still manage to sell burgers like a champ. I can even exaggerate wait times to the extreme and tell the customers that Burger King has better food and less of a wait with a straight face. This way we don’t get too backed up. No other employee has my kind of skills. Hell, I don’t even answer the phone anymore to up my production. If I weren’t such a badass motha ****er I’d have management written all over me. (Too bad being a total ***** is a prerequisite to being a member of management. =( )
So I feel that for me to continue working here, I’m going to need a raise. I’d like an extra ten dollars an hour added on to my current pay rate. I’d also like my title of “Crew Leader” changed to “Pinnacle of Excellence” or “God”, whichever works for you. Also, I’d like the Wendy's logo face girl changed to a picture of me wearing an eye patch and pirate hat. This doesn’t have to be a nation wide thing, yet, just something in our store. And a short movie about me labeled “Phil: Wendy's Messiah” should be shown to all new employees. I think that is just about everything. Nope, wait. I’d also like Fridays off instead of Tuesdays. Tuesdays off is stupid.
I certainly don’t believe my demands to be unreasonable, and hopefully for your sake you feel the same.
Sincerely,
That n!gga, Phil
