@
UltimateWario
and everyone else:
I've completed the editing pass of UW's excerpts. To see the original passages, refer to
this post.
I will leave the revised excerpts below, then comment on the changes and edits that I've made.
[collapse=Excerpt A - The Cunning God of Death]
A/N: This is a sort of re-imagining of the infamous "breakdown" scene of Other M, but taking place where the scene would logically fit (in the first Metroid, Samus's first encounter with Ridley after he ruined her life).
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX
A massive, serpentine shadow flitted into view and back out again, silent and imposing. The bounty hunter, clad in her Power Suit, darted her eyes around the room, trying to read the creature's movements - doing anything to calm her rapidly-beating heart.
This was it. That...
thing from so many years ago. She knew it had to be.
She'd recognize those horrid roars and screeches anywhere.
She'd fought her way through Brinstar, Norfair, and even her old home to get to where she was now: the Space Pirate Base of Operations. Command Base Ridley.
I've been so brave up until now, she thought.
Maybe even a little cocky. The hostile native life stood no chance against her advanced weapons systems and nearly impenetrable armor. Even the Space Pirates themselves seemed unable to put a dent in them.
But now, under all of her armor and weapons, she felt like a little girl again - the same little girl that lived on K-2L, the same one that was raised by the Chozo on this very planet.
The same one that watched her parents...
Samus' heart jumped at the roar. The massive violet dragon erupted from the labyrinthine pipes and wires like the Devil himself out of Hell. She froze - unable to move, to think, to
breathe - as she witnessed the Space Pirate Commander inch through the air toward her. Time seemed to slow to a near-standstill, and her head was suddenly pulsing with resurfacing memories, the pressure building until it felt like they would burst from her eyes and flood her helmet.
She was a little girl again. Running. Screaming. Her mother close behind, pushing her onward.
Fire raged all around them, and the screams of the dying were just as prevalent as the flames themselves. Samus started to turn her ash- and blood-covered head to glance behind her, but her mother quickly smacked her.
"Don't you dare look back, Sam!" she screamed. In any other circumstance, Samus would've been even more frightened. But by that point, she had begun to grasp the true severity of the situation. "Just keep running! Go and ge-"
Her voice was cut off by the most horrifying and gut-wrenching noise Samus had ever heard, even to this day. A piercing shriek, like an eagle the size of a Federation Frigate, followed by the wet, nauseating ripping of flesh.
Samus couldn't keep running any longer and fell to the ground, quickly turning to face the living nightmare found there.
The wings spread out like a sunset-colored explosion, beak-like jaw and razor teeth glistening with blood and flesh. His lengthy, spear-like tail flicked around, ready to skewer anyone who tried to approach from behind. In one talon, he held half of an armored Federation Trooper, and under his mighty foot was pinned her mother. She'd been impaled by the massive claws that tipped each toe, but was nonetheless still alive.
Her words were stunted and strained, barely audible over the symphony of death surrounding her. The dragon was too busy devouring what was left of the Trooper to concern himself with the insignificant girl that lay before him.
"R-Run, Sam...us. Y-you...have to...run..."
...Run...
...RUN!
Samus snapped back to the present.
Her heart raced, pumping her inherited blood with zeal. She could hardly keep track of how fast her lungs filled and emptied with her every frantic breath. She switched her Arm Cannon to Missile Mode as the living nightmare drew closer. Her eyes welled with tears of rage, and her teeth clenched so hard that she thought they might break from the pressure.
"No, Mother," she whispered to herself. "Not this time. I'm done running."
The Super Missile howled as it shot from her Cannon.
[/collapse]
[collapse=Excerpt B - A Beacon of Light]
A/N: This is the opening to a little ongoing project I've been working on. This is simply a fragment of the first chapter.
XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxX
The tiny human girl brought the tinier wooden cup to the doll's face, where she made a thick, wet slurping noise. The cup bounced off the doll's wooden beak with a quiet
tok.
The red sun loomed down from above, basking everything in a beautiful sunset orange despite it being the middle of the day. The little girl's golden hair fell down to the ground and pooled under her tiny rear. The Chozo believed that the will of the body should not be suppressed, so cutting hair was viewed as both unnecessary and forbidden.
Nearly silent footsteps padded up the stone walkway little Samus was playing on, stopping a few feet behind her. The shadow cast over her caught her attention, and she strained her eyes to look up at her very tall visitor. A large, bird-like face looked back down at her, adorned with a short, blunt beak. It would have worn a smile if it could.
"Hello, my dear Hatchling Samus," Old Bird said, his deep voice full of wisdom and kindness. "Am I interrupting your tea time?"
His human charge giggled, shaking her head. "No, Elder Old Bird!" she enthused. "You're very welcome to join!"
Her voice heavily contrasted her keeper's, brimming with life and curiosity. At a glance, one would never have guessed how much tragedy and pain she had endured thus far in her young life. But Samus was a strong girl, and the Chozo were mindful caretakers.
The elder Chozo chuckled softly, reaching his talon-tipped hand down to gently caress the girl's honey-colored hair. "Perhaps later, Hatchling. It is now time for learning."
"Aw, no way!" Samus crossed her arms, pouting. "I wanna keep playing!" she grunted. Old Bird grunted in response.
The avian entity stooped down, took a seat, and grabbed one of the tiny wooden dolls from the ground. "Who is this?" he asked his adoptive daughter, eyes smiling where his beak could not.
Samus Aran looked at him with a huge smile, pointing to the figure. "This is Captain Rodney!" she began, pointing to the wooden figure. "He's a big, strong Captain in the Federation!" Her smile turned sour. "He's married to a beautiful mechanic named Virginia." Her sour smile turned into a frown. "They h-have a little g-girl...n-named..."
"...
Samus," Old Bird said, placing his feathered, clawed hand on her head, ever so gently. "Her name is Samus, and she's a beautiful young girl."
The child looked up at her Chozo caretaker, eyes red and beginning to fill with tears. The elder took the doll from her, placing the mother and father together on the walkway. The smallest figure was humanesque, like the mother and father, but possessed the wings exhibited in the other Chozo figurines.
"A very mean dragon came to her home one day," Samus continued in Old Bird's stead, casting a butterfly-like shadow over the dolls with her hands. "He brought his friends, and together they brought fire." She took the two taller figures and placed them upon some nearby stonework trim. "Samus got seperated from her parents when she fell into the basement. A-And then...the dragon c-c-came and..."
Old Bird pulled the little girl close, into his lap, caressing her hair. "And then the kind birds came from the stars."
The Chozo took some of the nondescript avian figurines and set them around the figure of the little girl in a circle, protecting her from all sides - just as they had on K-2L. Samus looked up again as the Elder continued; this time, however, her eyes were tinged with gratitude. "They saved Samus from the burning world, then made her a very special promise."
The girl's lip quivered before she buried her face in her caretaker's - her "father's" - chest, sobbing. Old Bird pushed her away slightly, keeping his hand on her head and staring her in the eyes with his own wizened spheres.
"We are not separated by race, Samus," he spoke, voice soft and sagely, "but by destiny. The Chozo are destined to fade from this galaxy, leaving behind only our footsteps in the dust and the sorrow of things left unfulfilled. But you, Samus... you are to be a beacon of light that shines throughout the stars. Those oppressed by the tyranny of evil in all its forms will look to your strength and your wisdom."
The Chozo's voice grew more harsh, but Samus was far too enraptured to be frightened.
"Not only will you bring hope to the righteous, but you will deliver fire and judgement to those who tread the path of darkness. Those to revel in greed and power will fear and loathe your name. They will call you
The Hunter." Old Bird's intensity subsided, and he adopted his calm disposition once more. "But no matter what they call you - Hunter or Hatchling - you must always remember that you are, above all else, Samus Aran."
[/collapse]
[collapse=Editorial Notes]
So, here's a log of the alterations I've made:
-First, you relied too much on semi-colons. I do see the appeal in semi-colons; I used them rather liberally myself when I first began writing. But I've since come to realize that I was using them as a crutch, since it's so easy to glue two clauses together with the semi-colon. I've been trying to wean myself off semi-colon over-reliance in the past year or so as a result.
Your prose becomes much more concise and clear when you keep things confined to their own sentences, and use semi-colons only when absolutely necessary. By reducing semi-colon use to a bare minimum, your overall prose becomes sharper - and your action sequences in particular become crisper and punchier. I have therefore done away with most of them in the excerpts.
-As for ellipses, they are best used sparingly so as to not dilute their impact. They're fine during dialogue to illustrate notable pauses, but it's less advisable to pepper your actual prose with them. I have similarly trimmed down the ellipses.
-I reordered certain clauses to improve the flow of the sentences. Nothing all too major, but I find it makes a subtle difference.
-I've done a few minor embellishments - mainly choosing more fitting synonyms to replace existing words, and tweaking dialogue and descriptions to wring out a little more
oomph. I don't think you'll find any objectionable alterations, but in the event that there are, you're certainly free to make further changes.
-I've also given improvised placeholder titles to each excerpt, just to augment the presentation. I'll leave you to choose whatever titles you please, though feel free to use the ones I've provided if they suit your purposes.
-Lastly, I've done minor restructuring in terms of format (i.e. paragraphs, dialogue tags, etc.). This is just to improve the readability factor.
[/collapse]
So basically, all it amounts to is that you could strive to better master punctuation and syntax. Your vocabulary and description are your stronger suits. But lofty descriptions don't amount to much if you can't properly structure them (which is where punctuation and syntax come in). If you are interested in improving your writing, those are the areas in which you should focus.
I'm not an English major, or have any professional background in editing or related fields; I'm just a guy who likes to write. Even so, I have learned much, and I try to take the craft seriously, so it is my esteemed opinion that the revisions I've made have served to bring out the best in your story.
Also, @
UltimateWario
, you said the second piece is part of an ongoing project. If you like, I would be willing to proofread and edit anything else that pertains to this project. If this prospect interests you, we can arrange something via PM.
Otherwise, I hope you find my revision to be satisfactory.
EDIT: Looks like I wasn't able to preserve the indents in the excerpt. No matter.
