The Incredibly Strange (yet totally believable) Adventures of kip,Swig,Jing,and Gary

[Blackadder]

Introduction N' a half rite?

Hey!
You dragged yourself over to my little shop of horrors then?
Great! You made a mistake! This story is THE BOMBZ.
You will love it, you will dance with it, and you will RELISH it.

...
...
I'm sorry, that was too much Ego.
Please come this way:

*Takes you on a long walk*


Why are ye here?

Okay, let me explain. *whispers*
This is a story I will be working on, IF, und only IF
it is successful. It's prolly best for those of you that
"Surreal" or "Zany" things.


What I be askin' of ya

*If you want to criticise, please, do so, but only constructively.
*I would love comments! Esspecialy tips, reviews, and ideas. (Or unideas)
*Rate the thread if you like. Honestly, please, if you do. (Whihc you wont)
*If you have ANY troubles with ANYTHING in this story, right a comment, or if you want to remain "Like a ninja!!" PM me. It's secretive, and fun.

Lets start punk
Also, this may have some things that offend some people. Note that, as this isn't always kiddy friendly.

One last thing, anything like a spelling error, grammatical error, or plot hole is often COMPLETLY intentional. It's just the way I roll.

I hope you all enjoy this, and without further ado:

^^^That looks funny. Lol at it.

Current chapters:
Chapter 1: "THE FIRST OF A BALLZILION MOAR"
Chapter 2: "Women have boobies"
Chapter 3: "Jimmy can crack corndogs"
Chapter 4: "I CHOOSE YOU, chuck norris."
Chapter 5: "May I have your attention please?"
Chapter 5.5: “Anyone with a name as deplorable as ‘Rapid_Assasin’ must be female”
Chapter 6: “I smell a Spaniard”
Chapter 7: “99 Luftballons”
Chapter 8: “Taking the piss from piss”
Chapter 8.5: “FILLER ALERT”
Chapter 9: “Now with 50% moar bite”
Chapter 10: “Zomg!!!!!one!!!!!111!!”
Chapter 11: “It’s war!”
Chapter 12: “Do the boogie oggie oggie!”
Chapter 13: “Chapter 12 sucked.”
Chapter 14: “Will pay for money”
Chapter 15: “I am the walrus!”
Chapter 16: “Land of Legomen”
Chapter 17: “Warn all your friends! Blackadder is bored!!”
Chapter 18: “Phil Collins has boobies. He is a WOAHMAN!”
Chapter 19: “If you can read this you’re literate”
Chapter 20: “Tommy the Class 56 German warfare Tank”
Chapter 21: “Back on air in 3…2…1…go! (Also knows as the mini chapter to kick start crap again)”

NUES!!
I would like a future chapter to include a "cameo write" frome one of the pro's on the site. Please PM me, or leave a comment on weather you think this is a good idea, or if you have a writer you would like to make there "cameo".

Now updates on a whenever I feel like it plan!

The incredibly strange (yet totally believable) Adventures of kip, swig, Jing, and Gary.[/B]

 

[Blackadder]

Chapter 1: “the First Of A Bazillion Moar”

Zomg.
*reads Skavs guide to introducing characters*
Hmmm…Don’t make them old friends? Neat! I think I can do this:
These two guys are called Kip, Swig, Jing, and Gary. They are all old friends.
Stuff that Skav. I’m to **** lazy to include back-story.
*reads a bit more of his guide*
Hmmm…Killing off characters…
Yep, I understand how that works! Lets kill the protagonist!
“~That night…~”
*Ding-dong!*
*Ding dong!*
“You got mail!”
Gary: Augh…
*Gary opens the door*
Tommy the Green ranger: No-offense…But I’m here to kill you..”
Awesome. I am truly a pro. Okay, ****. I just lost my main character…
****. I know! Adding a new character!
*checks the guide*
Darn, there ISN’T A PART ON THAT!!!!!! Scav, this is shocking.
I’m so gonna pay you out for that.
*pays money*
****! That’s not what I meant! I can’t even control my own **** story.
OH YEAH!!! The story. Right…What else is there?
*Checks the guide*
Wh-what? There are rules? Darn. I better not say any of these words then.
EVER:
****, ****, piss ****, ****, ***, ****, arse, ***, ****, ****, boobies, sex, fanny, **** and Ben Affleck.
To easy. I can do that. Now, what else is there?
*checks the guide*
Naming my fic…done. God Skav, so far behind. Tsk, tsk.
*checks th-*
Screw it…
Welcome to;
The incredibly strange (yet totally believable) Adventures of kip, swig, Jing, and Gary*.
*May not contain Gary

This is Kip:
*Draws pic that you can CLEARLY see*
This is Swig:
*Draws rude nudey part of man*
This is…the other one:
*Draws pic of him*
This is Gary:
Woops, he’s dead isn’t he?

They live in Biblabobbo land, were everyone likes to say nice things, talk about flowers, and rarely ever say naught nasty things like:

“****, ****, piss ****, ****, ***, ****, arse, ***, ****, ****, boobies, sex, fanny, **** and Ben Affleck.”
But there is…


…there is…hmmm…
*checks Scav’s guide again*
Your story? I can’t be arsed to read that.
I’ll just guess it bangs on about women, drugs, and oriental teas.
Which, logically, means-

The citizens of Biblabobbi land like women, drugs, and teas, that are usually oriental. This however, sometimes causes NASTY strif-

Wait, no. Didn’t Scav say not to dive into the story? He may of, I don’t remember. And I read the guide so deeply.
I need a batter way than “diving” into the story...It should start out like a normal day!

Kip was sititng at the table. For breakfast he was going to have eggs, bacon, and some green stuff he found in the toilet after he went to sit on it for some reason. He was eating happily, when he heard a kock-a-knock-knock on the door. “It must be the postman!” Pip (or whoever the hell he is) ran to the door, waiting to see his favorite man in blue. But when he did-

This is called a cliffhanger, I believe. Now, I think I’m meant to make summat awesome happen. Like…OH! A guy named Tommy can be there, and he can say: “No offense, but I’m here to kill you” Genius. I love it.
Oh right…taken. ****. I know! I will make summat so shocking, so twisted that-ah, screw that crap.

-he saw the postie. “Hello Kip, I am here to give you a letter”. The postman had his black and white cat next to him. The postman went to pick it up, but his huge nose hit Kip in his ‘special place’. “OW” said Kip. “Sorry” said the postie. He then gave him a letter and went off. In his red van. Some catchy music played behind him as he drove, but for copyright reasons, I am not aloud to show it.

Hey, I’m gettin’ into this story stuff. It’s really easy.

Kip went to open his letter. But as he was about to, there was a sudden kock at the-

Door is to obvious, and I already did it. I know!

-orgasm. Kip wondered if this was mature of all for Blackadder to decided to put in, but Blackadder warped him a bit, so he didn’t question it.
“I-think-I-will-open-the-letter-now” He said. He did. But then suddenly, just as he was about to open it, he didn’t.


*Yawns*
I’m darn tired. I need to stop writing this story.
Look, I KNOW it has you captivated, I know you wanna have my kids,
but I need a rest. This took a whole 30 minutes! Too much time wasted.
*Checks Scav’s guide*

See? Look:

“And don’t expect a good SLEEP to hit you overnight. Likewise, you shouldn’t just SLEEP with the first idea you come up with. BLACKADDER should allow an idea to cultivate in HE NEEDS TO REST mind during a quiet time, or anytime you’re bored. School is an excellent time for SLEEP. Make sure to write down anything good that you think of that you think you’ll forget. Even if you don’t think you’ll SLEEP, it’s probably best to SLEEP it down anyway.”

Thank you Scav, HE may be slightly fruity, but at least he respects a mans sleepy-wishes.
Unlike you guys.
Goodnight my adoring fans! I will only be on for another 3 hours or so! As you can see, this is an excuse to ditch this story! …for now.

 

[Stone.Tower]

You're f*cking hilarious.

 

[Blackadder]

You're f*cking hilarious.

And you sir a ******* awsome.
My first comment and it's a good one.

Thanking you kindly!

 

[Stone.Tower]

And you sir a f*cking awsome.
My first comment and it's a good one.

Thanking you kindly!

Why, thank you. You're quite awesome yourself.
Lulz, this is weird.

 

[Scav]

Wow.

The previous guide is BAD. Don't make your characters old friends? Whaaaaaat?

Thank you for drawing this to my attention. Time to light the Matt-signal!

 

[McCloud]

I can't really get into it... I know it's supposed to be all tee hee and yay but I honestly can't get into it.. I know the whole do the Bohemian thing is appealing but you've got to calm the writing down, I think. It's just not enjoyable to read 30 thousand exclamations. If anything it reminds me of those days in middle school where you said loud and random things to get a giggle out of your classmates..so if that's what you were going for.. skeezy bunny to ya.

 

[demoncaterpie]

I have to say, I've always been a fan of experimental writing.

It seems like you're having fun destroying all aspects of coherent thought and basic narrative structure, so I'm not going to complain. Keep it up and just have a good time! That's what art should be.

Just don't expect to make it in the New York Times just yet

 

[cless-mint]

Basy?

Oh, yeah, story. Uh, you totally stole teh name of the place from Larry teh Cable guy, XD.

[SARCASM]
You're writing is very coherent and has a great narrative structure. New York Thymes here you come....
[/SARCASM]

woot, I got "FF" posts!!!

Spoiler

That's 255 for teh ones who don't know hex.

 

[Blackadder]

I can't really get into it... I know it's supposed to be all tee hee and yay but I honestly can't get into it.. I know the whole do the Bohemian thing is appealing but you've got to calm the writing down, I think. It's just not enjoyable to read 30 thousand exclamations. If anything it reminds me of those days in middle school where you said loud and random things to get a giggle out of your classmates..so if that's what you were going for.. skeezy bunny to ya.

Lulz, well, I'm sorry you coulden't enjoy it.
And when I read your comments, yes, it is rather similar to a year 10 maths class isn't it? Well, your comment wasn'y UBER negative, so I'll take it as a "It was okayish"

"Just don't expect to make it in the New York Times just yet"
Just you watch
Lol, thank you for your comment. "Experimental writing" I had no idea it was so..

"Oh, yeah, story. Uh, you totally stole teh name of the place from Larry teh Cable guy, XD."
Lulz, you know, I made a refrence to him JUST to see if you would pick it up Cless XD.

The response has been okay, so I'm taking a leap of faith and writing another chapter. Thanks for the decent comments everyone!

 

[Blackadder]

Chapter 2: “women Have Boobies”

Holy crap. I got a wonderful reception from the NEW YORK TIMES *WINK WINK KIRBY PERSON MAN* I am now a full fledged writer, like I expected less. Anyways, I guess I should keep writing about Kip and his MYSTERIOUS letter…

Kip was feeling hungry, as not opening the mysterious letter of everything and nothing (As he had called it) made him rather tired, and slightly Jamaican.
He needed a drink. A sleep, and a nice cold…


What do people drink that’s nice a cold? Beer is to obvious…I know!

-bottle of his own freshly squeezed nipple-milk. It was at this time that-

I got ****in’ sick of the name “Kip”. Lets get onto GARY!!!!
Wait, he’s dead…****. Um, onto Swig!

While all this was happening, swig was feeling a bit down in the dumps. He had done all there was to do. EVER. So he shot himself in the head!

GO**** IT! I killed ANOTHER protagonist! ************!!
…wait, it’s my **** story.

But swig didn’t die, as the writer had made sure he didn’t. Swig was rather pissed at this interruption of his untimely death, so he decided to randomly punch someone. In the most annoying way possible.

OMFG. I know!! I’ll make SCAV APPEAR SO HE CAN BE PUNCHED!
…no wait, Scav already punched me in the face for the last chapter.
Ah, I can improvise. Most annoying person that Swig can smack…

And so Swig went to the door. He opened it, ready to punch..
“Hi my name is WHAT?
Mine name is WHO?
Mine name is “Chica chica Slim Sha-”
he didn’t get t finish, as Swig had already inserted a large rod up his anus-


Nah, rod is to easy to break.

-Smash world user: Fawriel up Slim’s crack.
Swig, rather happy with his work, decided that he had now done everything there is to do in the universe. But this would not last long...for the writer was about to foreshadow something…
THERE-IS-A-BIG-FAT-CANON-IN-THE-BACK-GROUND-IT-IS-NOT-IMPORTANT.


Remember that now.


As Swig felt like becoming drunk on this fine day, he did. He drunked it up. Like this.
*Drunkz*
Was rite funny.


What the ****? I changed my style suddenly! I’m so awesome. I think it’s time to include the antagonist though; he will appear dramatically, no doubt. I will call him…

BOB! Said bob, the greatest villain of all time. He was very nasty, smelt sorta like pigmy ****, and liked to be mean. “I am so EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

See? That’s evil. Anyways, I’m sick of the Mediocrity of this chapter. Lets skip ahead a bit.

“NO!” Shouted Kip, his heart pounding! NOT THE S-

Wait, that’s the climax. To far.
*checks Scav’s guide*
It doesn’t mention anything about this being bad, so I may as well continue.|

NOT THE FIREMAN! Kip shouted, somewhat heroically. He then shot Bob, who shouted out:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chuck_Norris_Facts !!! In agony.
Sadly he got mad, and started to swear: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Feces!!!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Orgasm. Just then, a huge and magical-


Bah, I’m sick of this chapter, it’s pissing me off. In fact, know what? Everything that just transpired in the last chapter is relegated to non-Canon status.
*pushes the big red button in the sky*

Swig was at home, dwelling on whether to take a dump or not.

Why didn’t I just start the chapter like that in the first god**** place? It’s so much chic-er. I can even end the chapter like this: (!)

He did.

 

[Blackadder]

Chapter 3: “jimmy Can Crack Corndogs”

(Blackadder as Blackadder for a sec: Holy crap, 2 chapters in one day. I just wasted 3 hours)

Bwhahahaahah!! My story is becoming well known und famous!
Take that Scav! And he thought I couldn’t do it. Anyways, were was I? Oh yeah! Swig was taking a ****. No wait, he had a ****. Well, starting with him taking a **** is more interesting. The best thing since wrestling!

“ARGHHH!!!” Swig screamed, followed by another little “Plop” sound in the toilet water. “Lolz” he said, for no reason. “AHAHHHHHHUHUHUH!!” That wasn’t Swig that time, that was Scav being naughty with a whip and Fawriel in the next room. Suddenly, Swig remembered! His favorite PODbasy was on! He ran to the oven, sat down, and watched.

Man, I hate including real people in stories. It’s so seamy. But Yuko doesn’t count as a real person, so it doesn’t count! Ah, I’m so smart and Horny.

“Hi and welcome to: “SHOW ME Y-“
At this point Swig decided he hated the name and flipped it off. “Silly Youko” he muttered angrily/happily.


I wish I had more popular slang in this story…ah, I’m so genius.

“Yo, what up *****? OMG, I know! Ain’t he hot ya’ll? Like, I wish dam on was da bomb.” Said Marlene the magical amputee. “SHUTUP” said Swig, as he was rather angry. His favorite PODbasy had a silly name now, and someone was saying Youko was attracting “creepy teens”. Naturally, Swig decided to see his best friend, KIP!!!one!!

Kip was sitting back with a bag of Zigzags and some weed, to give him the sh*t needed to be the most meanest-


What? I meant to write BEANI BABIES a lot there. Darn.

Suddenly Kip heard a rat-a-tat-tat at his window. “SWIG!” he shouted, in totally ecstasy.
But when he opened the window to let Swig in, he noticed a terrified look on his face..
“K-K-Kip…” “What old friend, what!?” kip yelled in a pancake tone. “Kip…I..I…”
“Yes!?! Swig!?”
…
“I have a gerbil up my ARSE!”


Omg. You Yanks’ are so silly. DUHHHH. Arse=***. Silly Billy’s’.
Hmmm…well, I better keep writing!


“PULL!” Yelled Swig. “I’m pullin’ already!” said Kip, in true cliché style.
Suddenly, as if the writer couldn’t be bothered writing more about the excruciating pain Swig was in, someone said “Waterloo” and the Gerbil popped out. Covered in bab.

“Kip?”
“Yeah?”
“How did you get a Gerbil up your *****?”


No comment.

The two stared at the Gerbil. The Gerbil stared back. The two OLD buddies got sick of lookin’ at a smelly ****ty rat eventually, and went to watch a news coverage about Marshall Matthers being RECTUMfied. Punny.

Wow. This story is going no were fast. I KNOW! I’m so **** BRILLINAT!!!!!
With this one picture, I will explain what happened next to the guys:

http://www.rpgclassics.com/fanart/FireEmblem/FE_ChibiMarth.jpg

“That was chaos!” said Kip. His house was a mess after the awesomely action-ey bit we just witnessed. “I think it’s time to go home” said Kip. He did just that. Leaving Swig alone, with a gerbil covered in ****. The gerbil suddenly spoke up: “I’m called Jing”.
His voice was surprisingly deep.


I need some coffee. I’m low on ideas…which is odd, cause I have SO many adoring fans to live up too! I mean, the paparazzi, the autographs, its CRAZY!!!!
*30 seconds of “!”*

By the time Swig had run from a talking Gerbil, Kip was somewhere in china.
Were everybody was Kung-Fu fighting.


And so I must leave my fans for another day!!! 2 chapters in one day is epic, but I must get laid now, as that is far more epic! I am currently running on stock-jokes right now!
GOOD BYEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

(My personel thoughts? , best. Chapter. Ever. Jk, jk.
Also, I would LOVE any tips from people as to how to improve.)

 

[Blackadder]

CHAPTER 4: “I CHOOSE YOU, chuck norris.”

Og. It seems SOMONE WHO WON’T BE MENTIOND FAWRIEL hurt my wee feelings very very much. He is currently locked up in my freezer, sitting next to the frozen peas. But still! The show must continue, I’d like to welcome ya’ll to:

China!
Kip got rather bored in china, and decided it was time to bust out of the **** place and read that STRANGE and MYSTERIOUS letter he received for the postie-man!
“Hmmmmm” he thought. There was no real reason to this, he just felt like saying it. This happened a lot with Kip. As things were going well enough for him, he decided to walk to the large obnoxious wall in the distance.


Know what? F**k that…

The wall promptly blew up. Kup (Kip, whatever) waltzed off, feeling a nice feeling of success in his step. “Hey! Do I sense an ACTUAL STORY?” Kip quickly realized his mistake, and shut the hell up. He then died. Epically. Dramatically.

Meanwhile, back at Kip’s house, Swig was chatting to Jing.
“Well, I think that the governmental policies on irksome reforms are utterly ASUM!!!!!one!!!.”
That came from Swig.
“Well I believe that the governmental policies on irksome reforms are utterly KEWL!!!one!!” That came from Jing. “Sir, to the DEATH!!!” Thankfully a Kip walked into the room at this point. “Hello, hello, what’s all this shouting, we’ll have no trou-“
Jing and Swig stared at Kip blindly. After much silence, Kip recalled he was mend to be dead. He promptly fell down, lifeless. Jing ran up to his now deceased long time friend!
“NOOOoooOOOoOOOooOOOOOOOooOO0000OooO17694135!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
“I-…is he dead?” asked the other guy. “I unno”. They then ate some beans on toast for breakfast.
*splat!*
“Hey, Kip hit the ground dead ages ago. The sound effect was a little late..”


…These guys suck. I should write about countrys. I forgot about Poland..

IN THE U.S.A!!!
*Plays La Marseillaise*
“Mr. George doubleya!” Said Captain Super pwng n00b thrasha man. "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." Said Mr. Bush. “That’s great sir, really, but-“ -“ Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we” Captain Super pwng b00b thrasha man figured he wasn’t going to get anywhere with this. “Hey, Sir, why are our text’s different coulers?”

The president promptly sent troops into Iraq to figure out this mystery.

Kip and Gary then arse-f**ked.

OH YEAH! The letter!!

Kip suddenly got anxious half way through. “What’s wrong”? Asked Gary.
“I have a sudden and uncontrollable urge to open THE LETTERZ” “Like the random urge we both got to have anal”? “Exactly!”
And with that Kip went to open the Mysterious LETTER OF DOOM!!!!
He walked to the table. Gary came to.
Kip stared.
And stared.
And stared.
… … … … … “Kip”?
“Yes Gary?”
“The letter?”
“I’m building tension”
And with that, tension was killed. And so was Kip.
“Oh, for F**KS sake!” yelled Gary. He then opened the letter.
THERE WAS A WISMICAL FORCE SUDDNLY!!! EVERYTHING BECAME OVER-EXAGEERANTED!!! COWS MOOOOOOOOD. BUILDINGS BLASTED UP LIKE ROCKETS, AND POKE’MON BECAME POKIMANS!!!

Kip then woke up. BUT HERE IS THE SURPRISE!!
He was in…


CHINA!!!! No wait, that sucks.
*Has an idea to get comments from people!*
Here-is-an-idea. It-is-not-an-attempt-to-get-comments.

Things calmed down. Gary was left feeling a bit Caucasian, but not to bad. The letter read:
“Dear readers, (If any) If you would like to write a FRIGGIN’ comment on this thread, please do. For you see, I am including reader suggestions this time. Tell me the best place Kip should end up in. He will not end up in your suggested place.”

Kip rolled his eyes. He hated gimmicks like that. “Bloody stupid really. It’s just-"
Kip was later found dead.

 

[Fawriel]

reply-in-order-to-subscribe-to-thread-without-any-actual-value-since-i-already-took-the-ninja-way-kthx

 

[Blackadder]

CHAPTER 5: “May I have your attention please?”

…
I included reader support, but due to the lack of readers, I HAVE TAKEN IMPULSIVE CHOICE!!!!
~Teh writer

Jing was stunned. Never had he opened such a blatant advertisement. He figured he may as well pretend that he was Michael Jackson for the rest of the day.
He was arrested at 4:00 that morning, as he went TO Jackson.

Meanwhile, Kip came to. He looked at the sign. He was in “reply-in-order-to-subscribe-to-thread-without-any-actual-value-since-i-already-took-the-ninja-way-kthx” land.
It smelt pretty bad too. “Hey” said Kip. Didn’t Gary open the letter? Isn’t he the dea-“. Kip knew when to shut the sh*t up now. He whistled as he walked. It was funny. Like, so funny you kinda lost control of your emotions funny. Controversial funny.
kip then noticed a bunch of American soldiers heading to Iraq. By foot! It was quite a site. He wondered how many years it would take for them to reach there destination.
Kip got rather bored with himself, and turned the story over to Jing and Swig.

Swig was eating cereal, and Jing was trying to look Japanese, JUST LIKE HIS NAME IS IMO.

F**k this story sucks. We need action, adventure, punch lines, and of course, a reason to continue the story?

Your legions on fans? Said Kip.

Shut up Kip. You’re fictitious. You DON’T HAVE TEH ABILITY TO CONTROL THE STORY!!!!!!!one!!

Kip then clicked his fingers, and with that, the King of Biblabobji land then immediately popped up. “Oh brave knight that is better than the writer! Please help us! We have a sudden dilemma! My daughter is missing!”
Kip thought for roughly 3 seconds, 15 milliseconds, 13345 nanoseconds, and 13345860 other little second things. Roughly. “It’s not Scav is it?” he asked, incredulously. “Good, LORD. NO!” the King replied. “Then, sir, I accept!”
“Atta Chap” Said the King. “Oh, and Mr. King, which direction is your son in?”
But the King had already gone, presumably running out of reason to be.
“Typical.” Thought Kip. He then walked of in that-way direction, hoping it was the correct one.


One.

Meanwhile, Jing was trying to figure out a way out of his “Jacko the ripper” suspects.
He tried to plead innocent of being Jackson, but it was just too biased. He then moonwalked out of the courtroom.
And here he was, sitting in a cell, and what’s worse, he needed to piss REALLY bad.
He then noticed the door was open…


Two.

Time wasn’t of the essence for Kip, so he felt he had time to stop for a cheeseburger at Hungry Jacks. As he was eating there, he noticed a REALLY suspicious MI7 agent.
What was he up too? He turned around. Put his hands down in his pants, and, to describe it in graphic terms:
His hand slipped down his pants.
“Ohh, left hand! You love me don’t you?”
“Of course I do Percy…I love you forever..”
His left hand was pumping with anticipation…he grabbed the P*nis..
he lightly rubbed the tip…Percy could feel Left hand getting anxious.
“Don’t worry Baby” she said. Suddenly Left hand pumped madly, passionately, but with a certain loving slowness. “Oh Left Hands…were together forever”
left Hand pumped harder. “Oh, BABY! Faster! Harder!”

“Um, Hi?” Kip suddenly piped up.
“AH!” The man took his hand out immediately. He was bright crimson.
“Uah, why were you-?”
“I wasn’t watching! Promise! I’M NOT A PERVY!” The MI7 yelled.
Before Kip could question the sanity level of this man he was gone.


THREE!!!!!

Nothing happened. Kip shook his head in disgust. “At least learn proper dramatic practice” he then went back to his burger, still wondering about the MI7 agent that claimed he wasn’t indulging in a little bit of voyeurism. …with his own c**k.
Kip had learned not to question anything the writer did anymore, as it only resulted in him being-
*Splat*
Kip lay dead in his food.


I forget where the f**k I was. JING! THAT’S RIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jing was getting ready for bed. “I may be a Gerbil, but I have had one hell of a life. In fact, let me tell you about it: "Let freedom ring. And when this happens, and when we allow freedom ring—when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children—black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics—will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual: "Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"
Jing was always rather pleased with his life. He was even more impressed with the way he was born. But that is another story, child, for another time.
In FACT. He was MORE plagiarized life to tell you about! Thankfully he feel asleep before this was possible.
The morning for Swig was bleak. Here he was, locked up in jail, no friends, no toilet, and no pants. And all he did was leave a child’s room with an empty sack. Suddenly he had a brilliant idea! If the door was open, HE COULD WALK OUT!
Sometimes Swig amazed even himself.
Swig popped his head out the door. He looked once. He looked twice.
He looked thrice. He looked nice/he didn’t ever mean to catch dem lice, he blames his mama for that sh*t cause now he’s on ice, every-


Shut the F**K up! It’s not funny when you rap!

Swig walked out the door, feeling rather upset.
He suddenly noticed! A Deus ex machina!! “Of all the good luck in the world!”
He casually strutted out of the jail, feeling rather clever. He then decided it was best to find Kip, and see how h-


*Sinister laugh booms*
I have made a CLIFFHANGER!!!! MWAHAHAHH!
I truly am the genius I constantly state I am. NOW YOU HAVE TO WAIT AN UNSPECIFIED TIME FOR THE NEXTY CHAPTER!!!

 

[Banana_Dragon]

Actual, I pretty much enjoy this story!
Really, it has me cracking up! I love this type of humor!
Killing off all coherency and creating the ultimate anti-climaxes.
Genius
Keep it up! I'll be reading! (and replying)

 

[Blackadder]

Chapter 5.5: “Anyone with a name as deplorable as ‘Rapid_Assasin’ must be female”

*Please insert hilarious chapter here*

 

[Blackadder]

Chapter 6: “I smell a Spaniard”

-..AHAHWHAHAHWHAHMWAHAHAHAHWHAHWHHAHAHA!!!!.
Ahhh…funny cliffhanger. Oh right:

-ow awesome he could make his voice sound. Swig normally had a rather high voice, but he was becoming skilled as George Bush in “stupid voice” terms.
Speaking of ol’ mister President:

Mr. Captain Super pwng n00b thrasha man burst into the white house office.
He was waving his arms madly before he could speak, George spoke up:" We understand the fright that can come when you're worried about a rocket landing on top of your home."
“Oh god” Thought the Captain. “Not this sh*t again”. “Sir”, he tried to explain, “The troops are getting closer to Iraq.”
“How close are’ they?”
“Um, check the computer”
“What? On the internets?”
Captain Super pwng n00b thrasha man walked out, eerily silently.

Kip was thrown out of the Hungry Jacks, as he had been lying dead in his food for over 7 hours. Strictly against the restaurants rules. Hence, he was dumped in a large open glade somewhere.
He lay there.
And lay there.
And they there.
… … …


Kip?

…

Building tension again eh?

…

OH! RIGHT!

Suddenly Kip came back to life. He breathed heavily, and loudly.
Sorta like “MWHHAAAAAAA!!!!” He weakly got up. He stood still.
Shaking his legs, and feeling rather pathetic.
*Opens can of tinned spinach*
*Sailors hornpipe plays*
*Muscles do some weird wibbling thing*
“And I’m BACK! Haa…I always copywrite in fragment would get me someone one day”
He looked around. Everything was rather…silent. No sound. No people. No nothing.
He was a little unnerved by this. But, knowing full well about cliché stories, an ancient and nomadic tribe of cannibals’ would come and get him soon.

They did.
Swig was walking around, going no were in particular. Just somewhere were they sold Fish and chips, with exactly 34 chips, 2 little crisp ones, a large flake, a small flake, chicken salt (Homebrand) and a free Pikachu toy. All in one “Family meal”. Sadly no were had his current craving, so he was rather depressed.
He then saw something most peculiar. Some ancient nomadic tribesmen carrying off Kip in a throne. Immortality Swig jumped up and waved “HI KIP! CAN YOU HERE ME!? IT’S ME, SWIG!!! I SEE YOU ARE HAVING FUN!”
He then shrugged, and walked off.

In all this time the writer forgot what had happened to Jing. “It’s okay, Jing explained, I’m used to it.”
He then left the room.
It was not funny.


Oh, screw this.
*w*nks heavy big time sex fun*

Intermission.
Hello, and welcome to the “Baby in the microwave” T.V show. Recently there was a baby put in a microwave. If you would like to know what it was like, it was something like:
“WAAAAAAH”
“SHUTTHEF**KUP”
“Wahl. WAh wah wan! Wah wah wham! Wah wah WAAAH”
*Picks up baby*
*Shoves in the microwave*
“Hmmm...set to about 2 minutes and 3.5 seconds..”
*sets*


“Funny sh*t” thought Kip. He quickly recalled the rather dire situation he faced. He new there was only one thing for it. A CLIFFHANGER WAS BOUND. But not just yet. Kip was being carried closer...and closer…and closer to a giant pot. It was sizzling with tomatoes, and KIPper. Geddit?
KIP-er? Kip…kipper…oh, your no fun.
Anyways, Kip was a bit scared. They were chanting a war cry. The words were of some ancient deity, as far as Kip could figure. The sounded (roughly) like this:

“Chunka, dunka, doo del dinkati, tengo otra pregunta para usted. ¿
Para usted consigue cuando su cara huele como mierda? ¿
Tiene gusto del sexo anal de la basura a la cadera? ¿
Cuál está usted en conseguir terriblemente el crap?
Qué lo hacen usted pensar vendrá. De. ¿Eso?
¡No tengo gusto de la mirada de él!
Chunka, dunka, dii del dinkato, semen,
mi ese huele divertido. Vivirá en felicidad a. Como el
chunka, el dunka, dunkity!”

Kip couldn’t help but feel this was the end for him. He was being brought closer and closer
to the pot…he was just next to it now, He was being lifted up, when suddenly-


*Falls asleep*

 

[Blackadder]

Chapter 7: “99 Luftballons”

*Sleeps*
zZZzzzZZzzZZZZZZZzzzZZZzzZZZzz…
*wakes up*
*yawns*
Uah…were was I....?

-Jing came out of nowhere and rescued him.

There.
*Falls asleep again*

Kip stood around rather impatiently. “What, so I have to wait here before he writes more about me? How the hell am I talking now if he is asleep?” Jing walked up. “I honestly don’t know, but I what should we do?” Kip thought for a moment. “Let’s just take the bull by the balls and keep the story going ourselves!” And so they walked off, looking forward to a chapter or two without the writer getting in the way. Sadly, they noticed eventually that with no writer, comes no true existence. They couldn’t go farer than the land that had been currently imagined, and couldn’t have any real adventures. “Well, this sucks a million times over again” Jing mumbled.
The both slumped down next to a tree. Kip sighed heavily. He then recalled something his farther had said to him some 20 minutes ago.
“Son, if you ever wind up in a non-existent state of existence, yell out the magic words, I-“
*QWYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!*

“What the F**K was that!?” yelled a startled Kip! Jing was terrified. He hid under his own self (somehow). Suddenly a guy immerged.
He was near bald, had silly glasses on, and was quite ballin’.
“I am Volrec, the-very-likely-most-annoying-person-in-the-world”
Kip rolled his eyes, while mumbling a rather nasty word.
“SHUT UP!” Volrec yelled. “It will NOT be friggin’ music tonight!”
Jing got up, rather mad looking to.
“Now look…YOU!! I can think it’s music if I want!”
“Well, why don’t you just SHUT up!?”
Jing waltzed up to Volrec. He had a certain cocky stride with him. He came right up face to face with the obnoxious 13 year old. Volrec stared at him.
He stared back.
An odd *Zwiiiiiip* sound was heard.
Volrec stared with intense eyes.
Jing did the same.
A weird *PppsssssSSsssSssss* sound trickled out.
Volrec slowly lifted his index at Jing.
Jing laughed rather happily. He then stepped away, and did his fly back up.

Kip and Jing walked away, rather pleased with there work.
“Well, now what are we gonna do? We still don’t exist.” Jing nodded.
Jing then came up with a rather schmexy idea.
“What if…we…”
He leaned close to Kip’s ear.
*Whipsermumblechuchklewhisper*

In 20 minutes the two old friends were out of there non-existent state.
“That was a BRILLIANT plan Jing!!” “Why thank you Kip” Jing replied.
The two noticed they were in a rather large forest area.
“Where the f**k are we Kip?”
“No idea, but it looks like the Black Forest”

And so the two took a walk in the Black Forest.

Now, all the time that this was happening, Swig was still feeling rather non-excitant.
He was quite bored, as all he called really do was sit around playing with his d*ck.
It flapped when he flipped it.
It flopped when he flapped it.
It wibbled when he wobbled it.
It sunk when he slicked it.
It got hard when he pumped it.


*ZZZZzzZZZzzzZZzzzZZZzzzz….*
*wakes up*
AH! MOTHERF**KER! *
Sh*t…hey, what the c*nt?! How the hell has my story changed!!?!
*Sends down order and law*

Kip and Jing were camping out in the forest, singing rather cheeky songs.
Suddenly, a white beam broke the nigh sky!
A man appeared out of nowhere. He looked rather like serious.
And very graham chapman-ish.
He spoke. “Right, now, stop all this. There are clear rules against the writers rules,
I refuse to let the story continue without his express supervision and control”
The rest of the night was taken up by finding a good spot for Kip and Swig to bury a large
“item”.


This is stupid, and F**KED UP!!
*Closes chapter*

 

[Che_Lab]

Pretty funny but judging your post count, how long you've been a member and how often i see you on here, I suggest you go outside more. (sorry if this sounds negative)

 

[Blackadder]

Would it help you sleep at night if I told you I went outside upon reading that, took a short breath of air in, then walked back in to my cold, damp, dark room and sat back at the computer?
Me either.
I actually tend to just leave the computer on, and then go and do other things. Hence the ILLISION that I am the never-sleeping Smasher.

Thanks for the comment! Very rare, and very appreciated.
(Sorry if this sounds negative)

 

[Che_Lab]

Your sense of humour surpasses mine, kudos fine warrior

 

[Blackadder]

lulz.
And kudos to you also good sir.
Also, non of the first reply was said with harsh feelings. XD

 

[Che_Lab]

So what made you think to write this crazily funny story?

 

[Blackadder]

^^^
I could tell you it was a long and complicated affair that brought me to this,
But it was honestly just boredom.
People had all these “serious” stories going round, and lots of bad fan-fics.
I couldn’t resist making something that broke as many of the common rules of writing as possible. I.E: Developed characters, plot coherency, ect.
Sadly, I have no idea how popular it is or not. I get few comments, so it’s difficult to know if what I’m doing is going over well or not, lulz.
But it seems to be doing well enough; I’m still going with it.

 

[Che_Lab]

Good to know that you're sticking with it.

 

[Blackadder]

Chapter 8: “Taking the piss from piss”

Gary and Jing woke up to the great forests welcoming smile.
“Hello Great forest!” Yawned Kip. Jing pulled out his gamboy, for no apparent
reason. Suddenly Kip bolted up like Scav’s p*nis when he see’s Crimson King.
“I’m meant to be saving the King’s daughter!!”
“And you FORGOT?” Jing said, rather mockingly.
…
…
Jing figured that meant ‘Shut the f**k up’.

And so the two set off, until Jing asked where they were going.
“Well”, Said Kip,” I figure were going to a random place. Therefore, we head in
a random direction.” Jing new it, there was no doubt Kip was genius.
Though not as genius as the writer.


Obviously.

Suddenly a large, terrifying man jumped out from behind a tree that was FAR to
skinny to have that possible. “http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Urine!!“ he yelled.
Jing panicked! “HOLY C*NT! IT’S BOB!!! RUN!!”
Kip was staring at Bob.
“Weren’t you relegated to non-canon status?”
And so Bob’s eyes sunk almost as much as his body. He whimpered of back to the
forgotten characters dump from whence he came.
Kip and Jing were getting a little nervous.
There was no justified reason for this, they just did.
But the two kept walking, until they came up to the American flag.
Kip then decided it best to piss on it, as he was rather annoying at George Bush right now.

Meanwhile, at the Whitehouse:
Captain Super pwng n00b thrasha man burst in to the presidents office!
“My doublya sir! Some America-haters are pissing on the stars and stripes!!”
The president leaned back in his chair. He had a plan…

Swig was still masturbating this whole time, but, after several hours of it, he accepted the fact that he wasn’t going to *** anytime soon.


…Hee.
*Winks*

Suddenly Swig’s ***** began to shake uncontrollably! It was like a rocket waiting to launch! It was vibrating faster and faster, bending and twisting in all directions!
Swig couldn’t handle it; he started to scream, to moan, to wobble himself!
The shaking got more and more violent, faster and faster, it was like a tornado, the SUDDENLY:


*SPLOOOOSHHHH!!!!*

Swigs d*ck became like a fire hydrant! His p*nis was splashing sticky white goop everywere! It coverd nearby passer byes, got random children in the mouth, and many old women in the eyes! The powerful line of semen blew strait through office buildings, smashed people out of it’s way, and, rather unfortunately, destroyed the twin towers.
The semen began to subside…slowly widdling down to a mere trickle of sticky mess coming from his c*ck.
Babies were crying, people were running around in disarray, officials were phoning the FBI.
Swig just moaned, and slumped down, feeling rather satisfied.

Suddenly an announcement boomed over the town;


“Hello fellow citizens of Biblabogji land. I am the President. And this is a state emergency. Two crooks, known only as “Kip and Jing” have been placed as responsible for the depredation of our wonderful flag. I will offer anyone that can find these two lots of internets. That are all.”

Swig gulped. The only thing going through his mind was a rather naughty word, that had NEVER been uttered in this story once. Guess what it is!
It’ll be fun! Oh, and on a minor note Swig went to find his buds.



Mwahahahahah!!!
I love the way teh story forms!
MI7 agents! Wars! Canons! Bob! Semen!
It is all part of my clever and plot GENIUS.
Crimson King smells. (I forgot to get permission to say that one, woopsy)

 

[Blackadder]

Nues!!!

Hey guys, if anyone here reads this crap, other than me.
(Actually, I'm not sure if I do)


TEH NUES!!
Anways, I came up with a new gimick great idea for the story!
I was wondering if I should do a chapter back to back with one of the "AWSUM" writers on SWF. You know, the guys that rock the house.

I would love for people to send me PM's, or comment on the thread about if it's a good idea, and who I should ask (Most kindly) to make a "cameo" half chapter.
I could really see this being schemxy, but I really will need reader support from this one guys.
Peace out.

Also, from now on, new NUES will be posted on the front page thingy.
Go on, help me out here guys.

Do it for teh lulz.

 

[TakDragon7]

lol that story was effing hilarous/awesome. XDDDD

 

[Fawriel]

*vigorously supports story, then vanishes back in the shadow to eat breakfast, ...after cleaning his mind from certain images*

 

[Banana_Dragon]

Excellent, really, genius...
Keep it up! It still has me cracking up every time I read it!

 

[McShine]

haha sweet stories, keep up your creative writing.
always remember to enjoy yourself with your ideas

 

[Blackadder]

Hey, wow thanks.
Suddenly I'm getting comments. XD

I blame Fawriel. (You little Uber late PM'er you) XD
But thank you guys.
Wat I would love is if anyone has any thoughts on my idea in the "TEH NUES!!" section.
If anyone has any thoughts, please tell me.
I was thinking of getting in maybe demoncaterpie...
But would anyone like to see any cameo writers at all?

Cheers,

 

[Banana_Dragon]

why not? cameo's are always fun
I know I'd be honored with a cameo! (shameless self-advertising )

 

[Blackadder]

M'kay then.
I'll do some asking about with some of the winners if "WWYP".
See if there interested.
Till then, I'll post up a filler chapter on what Swig is doing right now.

 

[Blackadder]

Chapter 8.5: “FILLER ALERT”

“HOLY FACK!!!” yelled Swig! He was part of the filler chapter!
It was often rare for Swig to take center spot!


And this is no exception.
*The ednz of filler*

 

[Stone.Tower]

Once again, this is genius. Seriously genius.

 

[Blackadder]

Excellent, really, genius...
Keep it up! It still has me cracking up every time I read it!

Hey, thanks! Really, I need as much support as possible.

haha sweet stories, keep up your creative writing.
always remember to enjoy yourself with your ideas

I will be. I do enjoy myself for the most part, but, hard to grasp I know, but I do get a fair bit of writers block when making these.
hence why I've handed over a chapter to

Spoiler

This is not a clue

why not? cameo's are always fun
I know I'd be honored with a cameo! (shameless self-advertising )

Shamless.
Utterly shamless.

Once again, this is genius. Seriously genius.

Do I here genuis again?
Awh, shucks...:embarrass

“HOLY FACK!!!” yelled Swig! He was part of the filler chapter!
It was often rare for Swig to take center spot!


And this is no exception.
*The ednz of filler*

You're a loser and I hate you.

Also, I JUST GOT HOW TO MULTI-QUOTE FTW!

And sorry for the delay in chapters, this one is taking a bit.
*Wonders whyyyy*

 

[Mr.GAW]

Eh, this thread is certainly made of Win, but I dunno about Epic.

The humor is sorta like cheap hooker, if you know what I mean.

 

[Blackadder]

Chapter 9: “Now with 50% moar bite”

M’kay folks, this I how this chapter will work. I will write the first half, and he will write the second half. This could be a little freaky, and plot holes may well form, but that’s half the fun! M I RITE >_>
Also, sorry for being so late with the chapter. Internet died. Bah.


Where the hell was I?
Oh yeah. This f*ggoty story;

Kip and Jing had finally made it out of the Black forest. Jing spoke up: “Ha! I can’t believe we made it through in only 2 years, 7 months, 45 days, 355003213231413314214431421235212355772 seconds, and 1 nano second.” “Roughly.” nodded Kip. Now, Kip and Jing had there mission to complete. To find the King of Biblabagji lands daughter.
The two heroes then set of in to there goal. As the walked melancholic step, they couldn’t help but notice the giant beanstalk in the middle of the black forest, from which they came. It had a sign that was JUST eligible.


“If ye search for the daughter of the king of Biblagagji land, please climb up this rather large and noticeable beanstalk”

The two friends looked at each other, and sighed heavily.
They reached the base of the beanstalk in 2 years, 2 months, 27492656272388328347292937562920 seconds, and 2 jiffies.
Roughly.

“Well! Where HERE at last!” Kip said with such happiness in his voice, it could make a eunuch orgasm. “I’m just amazed we got through all these years without any food.” Jing commented. It was at this point they began to climb.
And climb. And climb. The beanstalk was about a million meters up, so they had there work cut out for them.
Eventually they got to the top.
“Kip?” Jing inquired.
“Hmmmhmm?” he mumbled.
“How come we climbed this million meter high beanstalk in about an hour, but walked through a 40 meter long forest in 2 years?”
Kip didn’t answer. He knew what happened if he did by now.


(;

Kip and Jing looked around. They saw a rather large temple building thingy in front of them. They both knew, at that point, the journey had truly begun.
*Lord of the rings music playz*

They walked up to the temple stairs, were they were greeted by two dogs.
Like, those anthropomorphic ones. With the king Tutankhamen headdress. And the magic Kane thingy. The ones that speak funny. YOU KNOW!!


The dogs basically said “You will see our KING.”

Demoncaterpie was working very hard on his WWYP entry by playing massive amounts of Pokemon Diamond and looking up animated porn. All of a sudden, a giant hand came out of his computer and let out a massive scream.

"TAG-TEAM!!!"

Demoncaterpie gave the hand a high-five, not knowing that this would mean having to continue Blackhatter (or something)'s story.

Demoncaterpie didn't have time to write such a pointless story. He was busy finding a bit-torrent for Busty Cops (which is the world's greatest porno)...as well as some kind of writing contest or something. It was all a haze to him now.

Demoncaterpie realized that all of his paragraphs began with Demoncaterpie, which showed how truly terrible of a writer he was. I mean, the only reason he got the Smash Writer title was because he promised to have amazing anal sex with Scav. Apparently Demoncaterpie sucks at that to, since he only got third place in that contest.

None of this was helping Demoncaterpie's problem. He had to think of something to write for Mad-hat-man's story. So, he began reading the chapters. Than his head exploded, so he decided not to read any more of them.

"**** this, I'll just make something up."
Kip, Swing, Jing, and Gary all fell into a portal that erased their memories of any previous adventures for this chapter. Than they decided to go play "Bury Gary in the Sand and Leave Him There For Hours", their favorite game.

All of a sudden, the sky turned black, which meant that something evil was coming. A man in a large black suit came out of the sky and shot a goat in the head. It was amazingly bad***!

"I CHALLENGE YOU....TO A CARD GAME!"

So Kip and the man began playing cards. The man than urinated all over Kip's cards.

"Hey, why'd you do that?"

"It's okay, we're playing Duel Masters."

"Oh right. I was about to do the same thing anyway. It's not like anyone cares about them."

"Wanna go burn Harry Potter books?"

"Do you wanna stop asking stupid questions?"

They both skipped away to Johnny Rockets, and had the most delicious hamburger in the Universe.

Oh crap, I just realized that I haven't started my WWYP entry, and I'm really Demoncaterpie.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Darth Vader, what are you doing in my house?

"I miss Padme."

That doesn't give you a reason to barge into my house and wake up my parents. Now I'm going to get whipped again.

"I'm sorry..."

Ahhh, I can't stay mad at you Darth Vader. Let's go get some ice cream!

"Yay!"

So we walked down to Cold Stone's and got mint-flavored chocolate chip ice cream.
Wow Vader, I can't believe they make the ice cream right here. It's amazing.

"They don't. They're just tossing the ice cream and folding it into different pieces of candy."

You ruined a franchise.

"*sniff* I know."

Suddenly Jar Jar Binks kicked a kid in the face. "Did someone mention ruining a franchise?"

Everyone did the Chicken Dance until Pee-Wee Herman ***** everyone.

Special thanks to the Magic Kirby man for that!