'Sup guys. This is going to be a "feels" kind of post, so if this stuff makes you gag, you can skip this. For the rest of you, if you're just in the mood for a long read and just various ramblings in my mind lately, make some hot chocolate, and get comfortable.
I've had an epiphany of sorts the other day. Even though we're five days into the new year, my mind is still thinks it's 2013. A part of me is getting scared that time is moving so quickly and I guess my brain is trying to shut it out by being in denial. The unknown future is dark and ominous territory for a lot of us to think of sometimes, and it takes a while for us to finally realize that we all need to grow up. The point in our lives where reality introduces itself and slaps you in the face with a cold, hard tuna for looking at him funny. That realization came to me lying in the bed of a girl I've only seen twice, after a few rounds of hard sex.
In that brief moment, with her asleep cuddled next to me, I felt incredibly energized and I started to think clearer than ever before about practically everything.
"Oh please Vash, you just busted a nut and felt awesome afterward, contemplating life and ****, whoopedy-****ing-doo."
Well, its been several months since I had a good lay, so hey, for the most part, you'd be right. I went out on a limb and felt invigorated afterwards, alive, or as Walter White would put it, awake. Seeing where I was though, I should've felt at peace, relaxed, satisfied. But I wasn't at peace, I sure as hell wasn't relaxed, and I wasn't completely satisfied with myself. You could say I was UNsatisfied. This feeling I felt of spontaneity, being unconventional. It felt amazing. And I wanted more of it.
So. If I may pontificate a bit for your edification, this whole concept of unconventionality was rattling around in my brain all through that night. The next morning when this girl fixed up breakfast for us (and she has a boyfriend?), I brought up what was on my mind and we actually started to have really deep conversation about it. It… eventually escalated into more sex, but let's just move on already.
I started to think about being unconventional in all other parts of my life, that way I could feel amazing practically all the time. Then I started paying attention to the people around me. I've seen plenty of people on both the orthodox and unorthodox sides of the spectrum throughout my life who claim to be content with their lifestyles, yet whose actions and behaviors reflect the opposite. They feel unsatisfied with their lives. It seems to me that most people are lost and unsatisfied with themselves, living lives resenting those who put pressures onto them. This massive blob of confusion, uncertainty and dissatisfaction finds its way into these people's lives at some point or another. I believe I was aware of this when I was younger, and I remember trying not to worry about it as much as other people did.
When we were kids, we didn't worry much about being satisfied or the search for a purpose, because satisfaction was always around for us, and our parents or guardians figured out the hard the stuff for us. We could just play with our GameBoys, tune in our Rugrats, watch Shrek for the hundredth ****ing time, **** around with our friends, **** around with our dog, **** around on the computer, play baseball, eat candy, draw ****, read Harry Potter, go fishing with Dad -- whatever it is you did for fun as a kid. If you could find the time to do it, and we all had tons of free time as kids, you'd be peachy keen.
Then adolescence rolls in and you got a whole bunch of other needs that need to be fulfilled. Sex. Social status. Recognition. Acceptance. Then when we start getting older, our range of needs broadens even more. Money. Career. Accomplishments. We lose ourselves in these ideas, sometimes even obsess over them, in the belief that they're supposed to give our lives meaning. Purpose. If there's no plot to the story that is your life, events are just noise without a place. What's tragic is that we never completely find it. Society has largely put its beliefs on itself. We're all telling each other what we should be doing. How we should live our lives. Sometimes people do so out of care; surely they want you to succeed and be happy. Others will do so to keep you in line, to convince themselves that they're on the right path, you should too. And yet we never seem to achieve that youthful contentedness we seemed to always have as children. This "searching for a purpose" is why you see people burying themselves in their businesses or careers, or obsess about their families, or become devout religious devotees, preaching about God to anyone and anything willing to listen. But that feeling of satisfaction we get remains fleeting. Temporary.
I didn't grow up with friends for the most part, and I started viewing myself as a rebel not just against society, but against everyone. I never felt like I fit in. And while for the most part I didn't mind it, I did realize that I needed people in my life, and a part of me yearned for more attention. I remember I sometimes did random and crazy things just to get noticed, and while it worked in public, in private I still felt lonely. I realized that this loneliness wasn't unique to me though, and that everyone felt it. While a lot of people have gotten depression from this, and I had too for a time, I had eventually learned to drag my myself out of that negative mindset, embrace the loneliness, conquer it, and succeed in spite of it.
There's a lot of power in that realization. I started to see aloneness in ways other people could not. We all put up this facade around other people of being happy, that we belong perfectly in this group, that we know exactly what we want for our futures. But, in the grand scheme of things, none of us really belongs to anything. We're all on our own. You could meet the most amazing people in the world, yet with all their successes, there's no need to be intimidated by them. Behind the mask, there's the same loneliness and yearning for belonging, acceptance, and recognition that everyone else on Earth has to deal with. Sure it's hidden deep within all the confidence, money, beauty, and success, but if you dig deep enough, it's still there, gnawing away at the soul. Once you start viewing people like this, your fears don't seem that big deal. It's something you can't really fight, but something you have to make peace with. You'll always want to feel accepted and you'll always yearn for more attention -- unless you decide to give up on all that, take the "**** the world" route and just be bitter, but in my opinion that's a much worse way to live. Life is a struggle to belong and be accepted that's never fully achieved by anyone.
Let's get back on unconventionalism. Call me lazy, but I've always viewed the conventional path of sitting in an office of some 9-to-5 job grinding the hours away wasn't for me. I was seeking a more creative outlet. I want to stand apart as a human being, but in the means of gaining acceptance, that means going against the tide of society. And you can't swim against a moving tide. What you can do is swim across it.
Most of us are going to follow the beaten path. We're wont to do things laid out before us by society. For those of us in the Western world, that means high school, then probably college, and then a corporate job afterward. For us guys, we'll date women and play the field between 25 and 45, and then settle down and have some children. Get a house, and a shiny nice car. Some people will cheat, others stay loyal. Some get divorced, some stay with their beloveds till death do them part. Then they grow old, retire, see their grandchildren running around, and content that they've done their jobs as humans, die. Now there's nothing wrong with any of this, because there's certainly a lot of right in it. But even if I tread off the beaten path, that doesn't mean I'm still not going to do this stuff later. I fit just fine in a 9-to-5 world, but I never feel like I'm living up to my potential. Sure I'll live an alright life, but I'll still have those moments of constantly asking myself "What if?"
Going off from the beaten path is difficult, which is why not many people stray from it. Some people go off, but then come back in right where they left off, either because they tried and failed, or because they were roped back into it by some crazy job offer or something. For those that do go off the beaten path and stay off, they either do so as they find it in their callings to do something creative, or because they have no choice -- they just don't fit in the everyman world.
The people who get the real blow is the parents. Parents have invested more time and money into you than you've ever done for yourself. So when you wanna run off and do something crazy, panic starts to set in. "WHAT THE **** IS HE DOING?? I spent all these years raising him, feeding him, wiping his ass, dealing with his temper tantrums, protecting him, nurturing him, sheltering him, and he's gonna do THAT ****??!!" It feels like your life is your life, but for your family? Everything they've worked for their entire lives rests on you. Makes sense when they're older. They can't exactly raise another kid when they're going to be senior citizens soon. All they have is big fat you. You're they're only shot. Well, plus whatever siblings you happen to have, if any.
It's kind of odd where I ended up. I was born a big scaredy cat, and I'm still a bit slow on tackling new challenges. I would say "yes" to opportunities that I would think would be good for me, but I wouldn't enjoy going along with it, at least not initially. But this is all I can do. Some people just don't confront their fears and will instead wallow in them. That just leads to never confronting those fears and asking myself constantly "What if?" Had some things gone a bit differently in my life, maybe I would've been dead set on living a conventional existence.
Or maybe not. Despite my fears, my resolution would be to satiate this newfound curiosity of mine. Push the boundaries, get out and explore, and see what else life has to offer besides doing the exact same thing everyone else is doing. Because hey, we all live a couple decades, pass on our genes, grow old, and die, right?
I'm not sure about you guys, but me? I'll already have most of my needs satisfied throughout my life. Comfort? That's easy, at least in any developed country. Money? Of course, it's what everyone strives for, but being wealthy is not my top priority. Women? I'm confident I can get any woman I set my sights on, so it's something I don't really worry about. Health? Work out 4 times a week and eat right, so I like to think I'm good in that department. No, I'm going to go out and do as many things I can that sound even remotely interesting. Because when I'm an old ass man sitting in his deathbed, reflecting on times long past, I want to be able to say to myself with confidence "I led one ****ing hell of a life," smiling the pretty nurses passing by.