I don't know

[Ciro67]

Link to original post: [drupal=3192]I don't know[/drupal]



Most of you have probably seen my two blogs before that got deleted. Not sure why, I think it had to do with people thinking it was a joke. I don't know. Just getting this out of the way for whoever hasn't read my previous blogs; I'm almost 15, 5ft 6, weigh 90 lbs, never go out cos agoraphobic, don't go school,my parents divorced a few months ago, I was going to kill myself a few days ago and still think about it and honestly don't care anymore, I'm an ugly freak, and I've no friends.

Nothing has changed really. It's all the same. I don't do anything but go on my laptop and play games occasionally. I do think about everything, though. In too much detail, if you understand. Just watching whatever goes on outside from my window to make time pass.

I'm growing up. Within a few years I'll be living on my own. I'll have more responsibilites and take care of everything then. I will have to make it work somehow. I'm not a kid anymore. I'm not something that elderly people would walk by and comment on my cuteness. I'm no longer something that my parent's would watch and say "Aww" whilst I'm sleeping. I'm now considered a young adult, but in my situation, probably a waste of society. I'm gonna have to make everything work somehow on my own, especially a job. I don't wanna grow up though, I wish I could be a kid all my life.

I never go outside, I don't know anybody and I'm an ugly freak. I don't have a chance to ever get a girlfriend. I wish I had one, a good one. Someone there to take care of me and love me with me doing the same in return. This'll never happen. Even if I did go out and socialise with others, I'm still an ugly freak with a huge nose, a weird voice, and a horrible cleft lip and pallate. Girls don't want that. I remember when I use to go outside, I could hear the whispers and see people quickly staring at me when they thought they had the opportunity. I'm never gonna settle down and have children. I'd be a bad role model anyway. They would be embarrassed to say to their friends or something that I'm their dad. I'd be embarrased too, who could look up to an ugly piece of crap like me?

I often think about all of this. I think I'm gonna be one of the people who live alone all of their life. It must happen to some people, I guess I'm gonna be one. I just sit here crying all the time under my blanket, like I am now.

I don't really expect any replies. I don't even know why I wrote this. Nobody is gonna care. Well, I dunno why anyone would. These are my problems. They don't exactly have to spend their own time replying when they could be doing some fun I guess.

 

[Teran]

Well there is reconstruction surgery for cleft lip/palate, so if you're overly worried about that, it's one of the many things that can be changed.

You just need to focus on being successful in education and finance when you're older.

 

[Spire]

Yeah, you can have the cleft fixed some day. It's not terribly uncommon for people to get them, and those that do usually have them surgically fixed eventually.

I say aim for a job to make enough money to support yourself, get it fixed, and just simply make your life stable. You can. We all can.

We're here to support you, man.

 

[DarkLouis331]

What these guys said.^ There's hope for everyone. Don't give up, focus much of your energy on finding a full-time job, get a cheap apartment, maybe take a few classes at a community college. I'm sure you'll meet some people there. Just throwing some things out there. Hang in there, man. Everyone feels pretty dang low at some points in their life.

If you hate yourself, that comes from within. Change it. Be confident in the person you want to be and friends will come. Like me, I hated being way too kind, closed-minded, physically wimpy, and having people trample over me. I wanted to change that and I did. I love how I turned out and I've met so many people and friends because of it.

 

[RyuReiatsu]

-

I've spent a few minutes typing up something really cool until I've realized that Teran, Spire and DarkLouis all had already said all of it. Do as they say, your life will turn for the best.

I'm also a very pessimistic person and such. Stopped going out, chilling with people and have cut quite a number of contacts. So, hum... Get some sun, a good night of sleep, and go back to school. Will ya? I'm 17 and had attempted suicide a year ago. Don't do it, it's extremely stupid.

I was always under the impression that I was a butt ugly prick and such. Never technically had a girlfriend either, and I have an awful nose (well, that's in my opinion.) But I recently have gotten quite a bit of confidence and started having girls attracted to me ever since I've had a new attitude with all that.

You haven't even tried yet, why giving up?
I'm no optimistic prick, so don't go around ignoring this, seriously.

 

[Ciro67]

I understand, I need to make an effort and turn everything around I guess.

If there is the one for me, how will I find her? Do I purposely have to go around and find one. Does she find me? Or does it just happen eventually?

 

[ShadowPhoenix951]

You have to keep yourself open. You can't go out and look for a girl, as that never works, but at the same time, you can't keep yourself from talking to them. You have to get close to them as a friend before asking them out. Otherwise it will almost always end in failure.

 

[Super_Sonic8677]

I understand, I need to make an effort and turn everything around I guess.

If there is the one for me, how will I find her? Do I purposely have to go around and find one. Does she find me? Or does it just happen eventually?

It'll just happen. Even if you didn't really want it to at first. ^^;

 

[Nø Ca$h]

get out of ur head and just chill.

 

[¯\_S.(ツ).L.I.D._/¯]

I understand, I need to make an effort and turn everything around I guess.

If there is the one for me, how will I find her? Do I purposely have to go around and find one. Does she find me? Or does it just happen eventually?

You won't know until you leave the house and find out.

Good luck in all your endeavors. And what everyone else said.

 

[Ganonsburg]

I understand, I need to make an effort and turn everything around I guess.

If there is the one for me, how will I find her? Do I purposely have to go around and find one. Does she find me? Or does it just happen eventually?

As you talk to people, you'll eventually just find someone who you don't worry around. You might not even realize it at first. But eventually you'll get to be comfortable around him/her and suddenly one day you'll realize that you've fallen for him/her. This is what happened to me.

But you do have to put forth some effort. Meet people halfway. The worst thing you can do to yourself now is to seclude yourself from other people (speaking not from personal experience, but from observing a relative).

 

[Ciro67]

I can't do it. I can't attempt it, just can't get to that point. No. There's no point in doing it anyway.

I don't speak to anyone else except my dad (edit: there's two people at the center i go to every week or two elsewhere). It will stay that way. I will continue to stay indoors everyday. There's no point in trying. I hate my life still anyway, but I don't care.

I was thinking about joining the army. Atleast I'd being something useful when I die. My dad doesn't want me to though. I don't know why. I might still consider it though. I'm considered a waste of society and my life isn't exactly going anywhere (pointless anyway nowhere to go with it). I don't mind dying anyway, I would actually prefer it. I'm just pushing the inevitable further and further anyway. I'm taking my life away eventually I bet. I'll think about joining the army, since it's a reasonable alternative. I wouldn't be doing anyone proud since I don't know anyone though. Well actually, I'd be doing myself proud I guess and would end up dying by being careless and rushing in for example out there.

I screw everything up anyway. I'm a complete douchebag.

 

[Ganonsburg]

The military is a great alternative. I would personally recommend the Marines or the Navy (where I live, those are the two big ones). But any branch will help you tremendously. Their way of living is very straightforward. People of all kinds join the military. And when they come out, they've all learned something of incredible value.

 

[Ciro67]

I don't plan to come out.

 

[~TBS~]

whoa, wut...sounds tough. Indifference...something that everyone has to laugh or talk about. You cant go around with that mindset "i'm useless, im never gonna amount to anything or anyone". Its really not good for you, take that from someone who has an inferiority complex. Degrading yourself only makes things worse in the long run...and do you really want to join the army? like literally?

And a girlfriend...? Uh, dont know much about that. I've been single all my life (17 years).

 

[Ciro67]

I am useless.

It doesn't matter if I tried to be positive all the time. I dont even know what to be positive about.

 

[Melomaniacal]

I am useless.

It doesn't matter if I tried to be positive all the time. I dont even know what to be positive about.

Your family and the roof over your head, for starters.

 

[Ciro67]

Your family and the roof over your head, for starters.

The only person in my family I see is my dad. I never see my aunties, unclees, grandad, mum, two brothers or anything! My mum and dad split up and she took my two brothers aswell, so I'll never see them again.

It's all my fault. This wouldn't have happened if I was a normal boy who does normal stuff.

I don't care about the roof on my head. I could just run away and be as sad as normal.

 

[Ganonsburg]

Ah. But at least you have the option of staying under that roof. You can choose whether or not you want to stay warm and dry tonight, or if you want to be cold and wet. Having free will is something to be grateful for.

Additionally, nothing lasts forever. You'll have your ups and downs. The good times will come and go, and the bad times will come and go. It just makes the good times more enjoyable and the bad times more tolerable.

 

[~TBS~]

Ah. But at least you have the option of staying under that roof. You can choose whether or not you want to stay warm and dry tonight, or if you want to be cold and wet. Having free will is something to be grateful for.

Additionally, nothing lasts forever. You'll have your ups and downs. The good times will come and go, and the bad times will come and go. It just makes the good times more enjoyable and the bad times more tolerable.

Ganonsburg nailed it. I couldn't have said it better myself. In the future, dont you want to have a good life, an enjoyable one? Sure, bad things happen. But you learn to push yourself to look past those things,

 

[§witch]

I have a four step program for you.

Step 1:
Hide all of your toothbrushes/pencils.

Step 2:
Go to McDonalds

Step 3:
Purchase a Big Mac.

Step 4:
Eat said Big Mac.

 

[Ciro67]

Why would I do that?

 

[DTP]

Uh, not sure if anyone has mentioned this yet, but I bet there are other people like you that are in the same situation. Meaning there are people with your phobia that realize it's time to grow up and move on in life but are scared.

Have you ever thought about trying to contact these other people and talk to them? Talking to them online would even work.

Just a thought, I don't know if you've tried this before or not.


I mean talking to people who don't have the same issues as you do (like you're doing now) is great. It allows you to potentially get some things off of your chest. But if you talked with someone like you for awhile, maybe 1 on 1, then it might make you feel better.

Again, just throwing ideas out there.

 

[MLEsis]

I have a four step program for you.

Step 1:
Hide all of your toothbrushes/pencils.

Step 2:
Go to McDonalds

Step 3:
Purchase a Big Mac.

Step 4:
Eat said Big Mac.

ok, i get the big mac, who doesnt enjoy some greasy, low-grade, probably tainted fast food now and then, but could you explain step one to me?

 

[§witch]

ok, i get the big mac, who doesnt enjoy some greasy, low-grade, probably tainted fast food now and then, but could you explain step one to me?

I was making a bulimia joke because I have no soul.

 

[MLEsis]

I was making a bulimia joke because I have no soul.

k, but a pencil?!?!

no souls are cool; that way you can 'chill' with your bros gamer bros.
teeheehee

 

[RyuReiatsu]

Uh, not sure if anyone has mentioned this yet, but I bet there are other people like you that are in the same situation. Meaning there are people with your phobia that realize it's time to grow up and move on in life but are scared.

Have you ever thought about trying to contact these other people and talk to them? Talking to them online would even work.

Just a thought, I don't know if you've tried this before or not.


I mean talking to people who don't have the same issues as you do (like you're doing now) is great. It allows you to potentially get some things off of your chest. But if you talked with someone like you for awhile, maybe 1 on 1, then it might make you feel better.

Again, just throwing ideas out there.

I'm one of them.
So if you need to talk, I'm a candidate.

 

[kirbywizard]

People are posting meaning they care, and that seems like a positive reason to stay alive. Talking to others is one of the best steps you can take.

Smell the roses even if their burned, burnt roses still smell great.

 

[augustoflores]

I am Glossophobic, meaning that i dread making a speach in front of 10+ people even if i know them. recently today, i gave a presentation in front of my class, i used comedy to relieve me; last time i didn't and i had my head held low, this time i had it all scripted even the moment where people thought i messed up by clumsily dropping a piece of paper, it killed because i shrieked like a girl. my brother is Anthropophobic and Glossophobic, i don't think he will ever get over it. my point is........... i forgot my point but i digress.

i don't like "Support" in the fashion of simply saying it(like omg don't kill yourself because of this and that), personally i prefer a guide, not exactly a guidance counselor but someone to steer you as you drive your path, said guide can even decide your path! (this is what i like anyways, i dislike guidance counselors because of their methods and the aftermath of said counseling)
herm... i feel like no one understood that... anyways, try your dad. here's what to do: during said guiding, don't look down, ever!!! don't look back, ever!!! support your father's decision no matter what, his first decision, no buts or no's, don't pretend or pretend like your not pretending. show your father the eyes of determination.

would you believe that this girl liked me? i was the nicest person in 4th period, she said that all the other guys were jerks. i didn't date her because i had it in my mind that she was plotting something devious with the other guys like bang'em and dump'em hard but she was sincere, and hot... way to hot for me anyways. she amorously confronted me by hugging me, it was the best, to bad i didn't get to screw around with her

my point again is that even if you're ugly (back then i considered my self ugly)(pardon my french) you still have kindness, unfortunately for you, your downness is bringing out your DARKNESS (do the oposite of what ansem says "<don't> Turn to DARKNESS!"
if your darkness overshadows your will (which it clearly does) Fake it.
(never had a girlfriend, 19 year old artist with the face of a 14 year old... why no girl? cause i don't confront them, i am a waiter(not the job waiter the waiting waiter) i believe i will never attract another girl like the girl above because the event was situational, rather i have to be the seeker but that is hard... omg this is a long post, sorry)

How old are you? 15? im sure that thinking about girls will only worsen your condition.

here are some images, Laugh, it helps.

http://yepyep.gibbs12.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/05/motivation.jpg

http://i456.photobucket.com/albums/qq286/09171992/Album001/FunnyMotivationalPosters59.jpg

http://i102.photobucket.com/albums/m111/littlebluehat/motivatorDetermination.jpg?t=1269393824

http://i238.photobucket.com/albums/ff130/motivational_poster/determination.jpg

oh and don't take this the wrong way but...
http://www.ratemymotivational.com/m...ON-Sometimes_you_jsut_gotta_tke_the_*****.jpg