I Don't Know

[ndayday]

Link to original post: [drupal=3104]I Don't Know[/drupal]



I don't know if I want people to read this. I wish there was a feature for your own private blogs.

I think a lot. I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. I remember reading something about thinking too much in a book or maybe a short essay. I wish I could remember it.

But, even though I want to find it, I won't. It's just my nature I guess. I have to be very motivated to do anything at all. If I'm not rewarded or forced to do something, I simply won't do it. So, like I just took my jeans off. Because I didn't have enough space in there. If you get what I mean I guess. That's my reward. Now I can actually shift my position and not hurt myself. Or earlier. I made eggs for the second time ever. I made scrambled eggs, and they were really good. The satisfaction I got out of that was that I filled my appetite and felt proud, even though all I did was scramble eggs. And then Pokemon. I don't play competitive. I just play it like a little kid does. I really don't know what drives me to play it. I don't have anyone to play with. I don't get recognition from anyone when I beat a gym leader or do something in game. Maybe I just like the time count. Maybe I just like seeing that I put time into something and it came out to something cool. Maybe I'm just immature. Which is really weird actually. People see me as mean in real life. It's one of the first things a girl in my Geometry class asked me. Why do you hate me. I don't. Why don't you talk. I dunno. Oh. And then even throughout school so far. Other kids who were quiet got picked on and teased. I was just ignored. Don't know why. Maybe I just seemed different.

And lately, when I think too much, I get sad. I really don't get it. It's like I realize something about life and just get sad over it. Nothing helps it either, except a nap. I take a nap and whatever it was is gone from my head, and I'm fine. And I don't like it when I'm sad either. The way you feel is pretty bad. You don't really want to do anything at all. One day, I was sad because I was bored. Nothing to do on the computer, Wii. I don't watch TV. I didn't want to play my DS. I didn't want to do anything, but yet I longed for something to do. And I felt sick to my stomach, because I knew it shouldn't be that way. Frustration turned to anger I suppose. How the hell did I have nothing to do. Mom, can I do anything for you. No, I'm good. So I just got in my bed and fell asleep. I didn't want to, but I did. And I couldn't fall asleep. I shed a tear even I think. And I felt pathetic. You're crying. What the hell are you even crying about? You want a purpose. You want something to do. You need something to do that will make you happy. But what makes me happy. People make me happy. But I can't bring myself to talk to them. They have to talk to me, and even then a part of me doesn't want to talk to them. So I respond awkwardly. And then they don't talk to me again. And it isn't like I'm suicidal or anything, not even depressed. There are just some days where I feel blah. Like not happy, not sad. I take the opportunity to kind of step back and look at my life without emotion. And whenever I do, I see stuff that I never notice. Like how that one picture is really nice. Or that I miss my grandma. And whatever it is that I see, I always end up crying. And I can't help it. And it isn't because I'm sad, but because I'm happy that I got to see that. Some people might thank God. I don't know what to thank. I'm not sure if there is a God. It isn't because I'm afraid to dismiss it either, I just don't know. And my one religious friend asked me. Do you believe in God. I don't know. How can you not know. I just don't. Do you go to Church? No. But I was baptized. That doesn't make sense. You have to believe in something. Do you believe in Jesus Christ. Maybe. But I don't know for sure. You either believe or you don't.

I just hope someday I understand what I don't know.

 

[Super_Sonic8677]

The more you know, the more you realize that you don't know. That's a quote from something and it's very true. Do some research into these things that you don't know if they bother you. Figure out whether you believe or not. Your reward is the answer.

 

[The_Guide]

Personally, I believe that you do have some form of minor depression, at the very least. You sound very similar to how I was last year, and believe me, I was far from o.k.

Have you talked to anyone outside of SWF about this problem? Close family members, friends, a school psychologist perhaps? Ultimately, you should be relying on these people to help you through your problems, as they are the ones that are a part of your day-to-day life.

I got over my problem by admitting my worries to those that I love, and essentially making my condition public knowledge. Please be sure to do the same with your loved ones as well, for I certain that you have SOMEONE who cares for you deeply, and would not want to see you suffering like this.

For all you know, this could just be a stage that you're going through, something that will pass in time. But thats no reason not to let the people you love help you through this.

Edit: You should change your user title. I can tell from what you've written that you're not a bad person, and you shouldn't reinforce that mindset.

 

[XFadingNirvanaX]

How long have you been thinking like this?

 

[ndayday]

I've always thought a lot, and don't have those often at all to clarify. It's not like a monthly, hell not even every other month...ly. It's just whenever I'm in a tough spot.
It was only when
-Grandma died. Some degree of emotion is only human I suppose lol.
-Bored. Just felt hopeless.

Definitely not depressed imo. Just felt like ranting after reading Heartz' blog. But thanks guys.

And custom title is a joke. Not what I think of myself really. :I

 

[Mr.Freeman]

I understand what you mean. Yeah, everybody's got those days when they just want to think about anything, even questioning their lives and all that stuff.

I've been getting it pretty often too.

 

[Red the Ghost]

I have a similar method of thinking, and certainly the same lack of motivation. Usually for me, my worst is right before I go to bed. "I want to do something. . . but what? I should practice Melee. . . or play the tons of games I never got around to finishing. Or I should do something productive. Like the work I never did. That's already late. I could practice guitar. Or do something. Anything."

And then I end up lying on my floor for like an hour.

Otherwise, I get on my computer and find people to talk to. About nothing in particular. Or I repeatedly look at facebook and stupid things on the Internet; habits that make every day feel exactly the same.

 

[jivegamer]

There are more people who think like you than you know. Getting sad because of boredom, missing your grandma, everything being better after sleep: a lot of what you wrote could describe me exactly. Even on religious uncertainty (I'm Agnostic) and people thinking you're mean because you happen to be quiet. I think that we all presume we're alone with our problems until we listen to someone with those exact same problems.

That being said, don't always expect these things to go away. Religious uncertainty may stick with you for the rest of your life as there simply aren't any conclusive answers when it comes to religion. We'll always miss people who are gone; all we can do is think about the happy time of our past. Boredom comes and boredom goes like the wind. You can change how much you talk to other people, but hey, some of us are just quiet. The best solution to most problems is to realize that we are not alone and seek out others dealing with the same problems. Many heads have many solutions to many problems.

 

[Oracle]

You're lonely. Go make friends and stuff like that.

In addition, you seem to lack fulfillment in your life. You need to find something that you can put a lot of time into and get good at, like music or a sport. I feel a lot of the same things you described and what helps me get out of the bad mood is either doing something with my friends or working at something.

 

[INSANE CARZY GUY]

I'm not wearing any pants right now because I said f*** the world I;m not wearing pants to please you and now i'm enjoying my pantlessness.

Also force yourself to go create something real, I'm crazy but sometimes I say F*** me i'm going to do something different today i'm going to make something. I nearly think it's the sub. con. that makes us that way or the sub con that makes us get up and do something.

Really try new things even if they seem dumb I did shirtless snowangles the other day and i'll afmit it's not cold, it just hurts really bad. But yeah I think maybe you should just step away from everything that you do for sometime and go out and do something invent new things to do.

 

[Fatmanonice]

Instead of giving a big long spiel about how you can better your situation, I'm just going to post some quotes from my book of quotes and allow you to apply them to your situation as you will. I believe that these all apply to you and, if you want me to explain why I chose any of them, I'll gladly do so.

"This I know-I know nothing."

-Plato

“Sorrow is knowledge, those that know the most must mourn the deepest, the tree of knowledge is not the tree of life.”

-Lord Byron

“Men can only be happy when they do not assume that the object of life is happiness”

-George Orwell

“What we call happiness in the strictest sense comes from the (preferably sudden) satisfaction of needs which have been dammed up to a high degree.”

-Sigmund Freud

 

[Kantō]

everyone feels like this in highskool.

dont worry it will go away when ur older.

things to help you spend your time: get a part time job or mabye get a girlfriend. i know mine loves to spend my time.

 

[RyuReiatsu]

I understand how you feel. Perhaps it's just a phase, but you could very well be suffering of a mental illness. Just keep an eye on it. I'm bipolar and feel that way whenever I'm bored. I think too much and bla bla bla.

I'm not wearing any pants right now because I said f*** the world I;m not wearing pants to please you and now i'm enjoying my pantlessness.

Also force yourself to go create something real, I'm crazy but sometimes I say F*** me i'm going to do something different today i'm going to make something. I nearly think it's the sub. con. that makes us that way or the sub con that makes us get up and do something.

Really try new things even if they seem dumb I did shirtless snowangles the other day and i'll afmit it's not cold, it just hurts really bad. But yeah I think maybe you should just step away from everything that you do for sometime and go out and do something invent new things to do.

Please. Say that you are crazy once again and I will hack a mod's account and ban / unban you a thousand times.

Spoiler

No, not really.

Instead of giving a big long spiel about how you can better your situation, I'm just going to post some quotes from my book of quotes and allow you to apply them to your situation as you will. I believe that these all apply to you and, if you want me to explain why I chose any of them, I'll gladly do so.

"This I know-I know nothing."

-Plato

“Sorrow is knowledge, those that know the most must mourn the deepest, the tree of knowledge is not the tree of life.”

-Lord Byron

“Men can only be happy when they do not assume that the object of life is happiness”

-George Orwell

“What we call happiness in the strictest sense comes from the (preferably sudden) satisfaction of needs which have been dammed up to a high degree.”

-Sigmund Freud

I like 'em, knew the first two ones. Nice.