Wretched
Dankness of Heart
Link to original post: [drupal=4541]I am Dehumanized[/drupal]
So, first blog ever, and I sort of just want to sum up who I, Wretched, am as a person. It is funny how you only realize who you are when you're telling people about it, and you suddenly realize how far you've come since you last looked at yourself as a person.
So, let me tell you where I was the last time I checked.
I am a normal 12 year old kid. I have a girlfriend (at twelve it means nothing), friends, hobbies, etc. and I realize that I'm happy. Then, out of the blue, my family fell apart. My parents were getting divorced for silly reasons, one of them being that my mother has an insatiable desire to always have something happening in her life, as if the world is an opera. Others were things I don't care to mention involving other family members. Everything just abruptly becomes chaotic and unpredictable. I am moving, my father is basically dying in distress and drowning in his own sorrow as my mother takes everything from him, including his children, and I am in the middle of all of this.
So, that is the last time I checked... I asked myself, "who are you, and how do you feel?"
I felt angry, and sad, and when I remembered the good times when I felt happy. I could tell what all of these things were, and I could tell that they made me human. That is what being human is, right? Recognizing what you feel and reacting to it?
Well, 5 years have passed. I am 17, I have moved at least 8 times, I have been to more schools than I can count, I have had NO MONEY whatsoever and I have basically been living on the edge of complete bankruptcy while living with my mother and two sisters. I have no money to buy anything I need, ever, sometimes including food. My only clothing comes from my grandparents, and they can only help me so much. I lose friends constantly in moving. I need glasses because I am nearly blind which makes me experience horrid headaches. I have Mononucleosis for 6 months and I am horribly unproductive and useless. I have kidney problems after that. WHAT ELSE?
So, another reality check? I have been completely dehumanized. I don't feel a thing. Those 5 years feel meaningless, because I have achieved nothing but knowledge of how hard life can be for some people. I don't feel happiness, that same happiness that I felt 5 years ago. I can't. Even when I find some source of something that should make me happy (Losing my virginity, for example :D) or playing Melee. I don't feel sadness when I think of the same things that used to make me hurt so badly, like my father losing his business and all of his income, then drowning himself in alcohol until he is charged with multiple DUIs and then going to federal prison. I don't feel anger when I think about the things that make me angry.
Regardless of whatever I can fake on the internet, I don't truly feel any of it. Like look above, when I put a smiley face. I didn't really smile.
I know this is a jumbled up mess, but if any of this matters, what should I do?
So, first blog ever, and I sort of just want to sum up who I, Wretched, am as a person. It is funny how you only realize who you are when you're telling people about it, and you suddenly realize how far you've come since you last looked at yourself as a person.
So, let me tell you where I was the last time I checked.
I am a normal 12 year old kid. I have a girlfriend (at twelve it means nothing), friends, hobbies, etc. and I realize that I'm happy. Then, out of the blue, my family fell apart. My parents were getting divorced for silly reasons, one of them being that my mother has an insatiable desire to always have something happening in her life, as if the world is an opera. Others were things I don't care to mention involving other family members. Everything just abruptly becomes chaotic and unpredictable. I am moving, my father is basically dying in distress and drowning in his own sorrow as my mother takes everything from him, including his children, and I am in the middle of all of this.
So, that is the last time I checked... I asked myself, "who are you, and how do you feel?"
I felt angry, and sad, and when I remembered the good times when I felt happy. I could tell what all of these things were, and I could tell that they made me human. That is what being human is, right? Recognizing what you feel and reacting to it?
Well, 5 years have passed. I am 17, I have moved at least 8 times, I have been to more schools than I can count, I have had NO MONEY whatsoever and I have basically been living on the edge of complete bankruptcy while living with my mother and two sisters. I have no money to buy anything I need, ever, sometimes including food. My only clothing comes from my grandparents, and they can only help me so much. I lose friends constantly in moving. I need glasses because I am nearly blind which makes me experience horrid headaches. I have Mononucleosis for 6 months and I am horribly unproductive and useless. I have kidney problems after that. WHAT ELSE?
So, another reality check? I have been completely dehumanized. I don't feel a thing. Those 5 years feel meaningless, because I have achieved nothing but knowledge of how hard life can be for some people. I don't feel happiness, that same happiness that I felt 5 years ago. I can't. Even when I find some source of something that should make me happy (Losing my virginity, for example :D) or playing Melee. I don't feel sadness when I think of the same things that used to make me hurt so badly, like my father losing his business and all of his income, then drowning himself in alcohol until he is charged with multiple DUIs and then going to federal prison. I don't feel anger when I think about the things that make me angry.
Regardless of whatever I can fake on the internet, I don't truly feel any of it. Like look above, when I put a smiley face. I didn't really smile.
I know this is a jumbled up mess, but if any of this matters, what should I do?
