Creatove Writing

[jamlosingthegame]

Just posting some stuff I wrote up at my Creative Writing class and figured I should get more input on my writing. Might not be good but I hope you enjoy.

Let's start with the most unusual.

It was the year of coffee. It had been soda years since the founding of Orange. This also reminds people of the War with Watermelon. This was the beginning of the Culinar Wars. Orange and Watermelon had been fighting for Tea years. However, this quickly frightened Apple, Pear, and Pineapple, so they decided to create buffer zones between Orange and Watermelon. Afterwards, which was Smoothie years ago, tensions calmed and all would be forgiven. However, it would be Water years till peace could be brought. This wouldn't help since Spice was a central city part of both Orange and Watermelon. Plans to split up Spice were underway, today in the year of coffee. Hopefully, peace would come as early as Gatorade years.

It was Saturday and the sky shone red. Yawning I go to my mailbox with a gait. Eyes half-opened half-closed I open my mailbox and get my mail. It wasn't until I get to the kitchen table that I notice something unusual. "Why do I have a lemon?" My roommate falls down the stairs face first, "Lucy, did we order a lemon?"

"Lemon?" She responds, face still on the floor.

"Yeah. We got a lemon in the mailbox." I sit next on the first step next to her.

"Dunno why. Now you got me thirsty for lemonade."

"I'll go make some. But first get up from the floor.?

"I don't wanna."

"Fine no lemonade for you."

"I hate you."

"Love you too Lucy."

I walk to the kitchen lemon in hand. Just as I was about get the knife to cut the lemon, something else strikes my mind. "I don't remember having a roommate." Lucy finally walks in.

"By the way, that was some party last night wasn't it?" It was only now I know why there's a lemon in my mailbox.

He stops suddenly. Pans up and looks up at the clear blue sky. The Autumn leaves slowly falling as the quiet wind caresses the surrounding trees and free-falling leaves. He scouts ahead. A brick road before him. Familiar. Very familiar. He turns around. A building, several to be exact. They weren't there before. Another quick 180. Two young teens. on the brick road. He can only see the boy, but the girl is facing away. Inaudible dialogue. He doesn't need to hear them. He knows what they are saying. The man never forgot. He looks up again. "I'd thought I'd leave the past behind, but it looks like it came back." That day a few years ago was when he met her.

EDIT: I just noticed the spelling mistake on the topic title. Boy what a writer I could become if I made less of those.

 

[Yamato Hong]

Wow! So this is what creative writing looks like! ^-^

Although, I never took a creative writing class, this looks very good. ^-^

EDIT: Sorry about being unable to contribute any details or suggested revisions. I just liked how it sounds. ^-^

 

[Crimson King]

I'd advise using less adjectives and adverbs. There are filler words in most cases (particularly adverbs). Watch:

He stops suddenly. Pans up and looks up at the clear blue sky. The Autumn leaves slowly falling as the quiet wind caresses the surrounding trees and free-falling leaves. He scouts ahead. A brick road before him. Familiar. Very familiar. He turns around. A building, several to be exact. They weren't there before. Another quick 180. Two young teens. on the brick road. He can only see the boy, but the girl is facing away. Inaudible dialogue. He doesn't need to hear them. He knows what they are saying. The man never forgot. He looks up again. "I'd thought I'd leave the past behind, but it looks like it came back." That day a few years ago was when he met her.

If you really investigate this paragraph you'll see a few things:
- "young teen" is redundant. All teens ARE young.
- A lot of the describers aren't really necessary to the picture. A brick road is irrelevant. If you REALLY want to characterize it as brick, go into a separate sentence and use a metaphor or simile "The road was made out of brick and looked like house that tipped over and spilled along the path." Not the best explanation, but at least it's painting a picture.
- Repetition is okay, but typically it's not necessary. Saying something is "Familiar. Very familiar." could be written in a much better manner.

You have a good start here, and I didn't go over the other two boxes, but applying this and you'll clean up a lot of mistakes.

 

[GoldShadow]

I agree with CK on most points, but have to take issue with some.

For instance, I think it's perfectly fine to describe the wind as "quiet" (though I think it would sound better if phrased "...as the wind quietly caresses..."). It's a detail about the characteristics of the wind. Wind can be quiet or howling (among other things), and I think it's fine that he's qualified it as a "quiet" wind.

 

[Luigitoilet]

First of all, "Panning" is almost exclusively a technical term to refer to the horizontal camera movement in motion pictures. You use the word and apply it to a person, which is really weird, and to top it off, you said he "pans up and looks up...". Panning is a horizontal movement not a vertical movement.

 

[jamlosingthegame]

Meh I try. My teacher always says that when revising, you have to take out some things before you add anything else.

I just copied this stuff straight from my notebook and these were written in about 10 minutes so I didn't have a lot of time to think of word choice.

 

[Scav]

Hey now, if you ask for critique, you don't then get to say "I wrote this in 5 minutes" as an excuse