Intro: This is an explanation of Falco’s Bread. It is meant as a repository of knowledge about this mysterious foodstuff, so that inductees into Falco-ness will know whence comes their power.
Very little of this information is mine; I’m summing everything I’ve been able to find up and I’ll be happy to provide links to reference if you want the exact quote. In fact, most of it is PCHU’s. So, thanks, PCHU, the melon!!!!! and everyone else.
The Rules of Falco’s Bread (A Summarization)
I. Bread Classes
A. Wonder Bread
B. Good Bread
C. Bread
D. Moldy Frozen The-Entire-Loaf-Is-A-Heel-Slice Bread
II. How To Make The Bread
III. Pizza Cake
IV. Other Characters and the Bread
V. BREADMASTER!!!!!!
VI. The Falco Zone
Intro After the Other Intro: Why read about the Bread? That’s like asking why want to know about Captain Falcon’s Knee, or why want to know about Ike’s friends. Falco’s Bread is made of Element 141, Pwninium. Falco is the keeper of this substance, as lesser characters cannot control it. A unique element housed in Falco himself (Falconium) reacts with the Bread, giving Falco control over his, and its, powers. Falco, were he to release his true capabilities, would be capable of stupendous feats of ownage. He could leap tall buildings in a single short hop, and on the way down shoot 472 lasers lagless, all of which would hit even a crouching Snake. Chainmeteoring would be all of his grabs, and the laser would have enough hitstun to laserlock a standing character. His down-B would just be called the Pillar.
In short, the Bread is pretty freakin’ awesome, and so is Falco.
Note: Bread is always bolded. Otherwise it’s just bread.
The BREADMASTER!!!!! is always italicized and bolded and all caps, otherwise it’s just a phailmaster.
Onwards and upwards!
Classes of Bread:
Wonder Bread: Wonder Bread is the Bread of champions. Literally. Only the pros have access to this type of Bread. Wonder Bread has several mysterious properties. It is the only type of Bread that can be had by a non-Falco-Mainer. If a pro mains Falco and another character, they get Bread, whereas an amateur cannot have Bread without maining just Falco. Second, there appears to be no special way to make Wonder Bread. Falco Brand Garlic appears to be automatically made with Wonder Bread.
Good Bread: Good Bread is what true contributors to Falco’s metagame, true disciples of the Bread, and really good Falcos get. There is also Forbidden-Class Good Bread, which is for good people who can’t go to tournaments. This is just really good Bread.
Bread: Element 141 This is the mystical substance that all true Falco mainers have. It is Garlic and Cheese, and few know how to make it. It is stored inside Falco himself, his blaster, and extra is in The Falco Zone. The Bread you all know and protect.
Moldy Frozen The-Entire-Loaf-Is-A-Heel-Slice Bread: This stuff is so nasty, it’s not even bolded. It’s what all your Bread turns into if you defect, or if you’re only a Falco secondary. The whole loaf is a heel slice without crust. So it’s all sorta curly, and hard, and it’s just generally bad stuff.
How To Make The Bread:
The Bread is only made by true Breadmasters, but a few hints have been leaked. Falco Brand Garlic costs over $9000 per clove, but is a necessary part of the Bread. True elite Breadmasters actually make the garlic along with the Bread.
Bread is baked during Falco’s Fire Bird, and is made during almost all of his moves. Chainmeteoring, in particular, is a major producer of Bread.
Pizza Cake:
Element 140. Pizza Cake is not bolded, but it is capitalized. This is because, in Brawl, it is not as important as the Bread. The Pizza Cake was thought, for a time, to be just a special cake. Then a great scholar of the Bread, PCHU the FENIX, discovered several great secrets. Though he did not say so, Falco had Pizza Cake in Melee. It was codenamed Shine, and with it, he could shoot opponents upward, cancel it with a jump, and spike them down, now commonly known as pillaring. He kicks around the old Pizza Cake, and says its name in his up taunt, and uses it as his down-b. Now that he has the Bread, Falco relies on the Pizza Cake less. Nevertheless, it is a valuable weapon in his arsenal.
Other Characters and the Bread: Falco has made many enemies, as those who are awesome generally do. Let’s clear things up a little: Falco is the only character who can make Bread. There have been several attempts to make Bread, all of which have been unsuccessful and even disastrous. The few attempts to steal Falco’s Bread have all ended in catastrophe.
Pikachu: Pika was one of the first offenders. They staged a devious attack on Falco’s Bread, infiltrating the Falco Zone with crack squads of little yellow rodents in order to pilfer Bread. They were all flattened by a BREADMASTER!!!!!!
Lucario/Ganondorf: A pitiful attempt at stealing bread that was foiled by a simple down taunt.
Game and Watch: They have long proposed that bacon is better than Bread. The poor fools. Their cooking skills are terrible. They blacken everything they cook. Blecgh.
Captain Falcon: In the early days of Brawl, Captain Falcon tried to make his own Bread using a combination of the Knee and the Falcon Punch. He took part of the Knee and toasted it. It tasted horrible, and he lost most of the power of the Knee. It’s kind of sad, actually.
Fox: The only other character that can actually make Bread. He long ago led a massive raid against The Falco Zone when Falco could not fully control the Bread. Falco hired Wolf, and, for the price of a (Somewhat inferior) blaster, Wolf bombed the raiders, and foiled Star Fox’s plot. Today Fox prefers not the air, but tofu. Fox drives a Nerdmaster.
Wolf: See Fox. Wolf drives a Phailmaster.
Ike/Marth/Metaknight: The trio, in Subspace Emissary, went out of their way, knowing Falco’s Bread would defeat Tabuu no matter what they did, and made peace with Falco. Even today they are fast friends. Falco loans Ike Bread occasionally so he can have some food.
BREADMASTER!!!!!
The BREADMASTER!!!!! is the vehicle Falco uses when he doesn’t want to get his feathers dirty owning the few who dare oppose him. It is powered by gasoline made from Falco Brand Garlic extracted from Falco Brand Bread. The Bread is held on both ends while another person makes it Do a Barrel Roll! while keeping it warm with a Fire Bird.
The original BREADMASTER!!!!!! was not italicized, bolded, all caps, or exclamation’d. It was just a Breadmaster. Then, later, it became all caps, then bolded, and then, finally, it was italicized and exclamation’d. The newest model is called the PCHU4EVERTHEFENIXMASTER!!!!!!. It's huge. Bigger than 90 New Pork Cities, and is more powerful than two Chuck Norrises. (New Internet fad: PCHU4EVERTHEFENIXMASTER facts!) It has 360 staircases, and a hidden shortcut to the top known only to a select few. PCHU himself abides at the top, ready to laserlock the unwary all the way down the stairs with his retrofitted, homing blaster.
The Falco Zone
The Falco Zone is where Falco hangs out in between brawls. He keeps his excess Bread that does not fit in his Laser, his body, or his pockets, there as well. There’s an army comprised of Waddle Dees, Waddle Doos, Gordos, and the rare Wario Doo inside The Falco Zone. Falco also stores his various vehicles here.
