Anyone know any good jokes?

[akd]

I thought this was pretty funny:

"Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he ally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I've arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!"

 

[Teran]

Heard this epic one?

Nintendo Wifi Connection.

 

[squirtleuser007]

Heard this epic one?

Nintendo Wifi Connection.

to put it in facebook terms: i like this joke.

 

[Mota]

@OP ROFLMAO! Great Joke.

 

[D13]

Epic? You want epic? Go read the longest joke in the world.


http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/longest-joke-ever.html

 

[Xsyven]

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A GUMMY BEAR LOLOLOLOLOLO

 

[_Avalon_]

A monkey got punished for having *E* with all the other animals and not his own kind. So a bird snitched on the monkey and the lion wanted to see him so he told him to come down from the tree. The monkey said no, your gonna kill me. Lion said, theres no need to be afriad, do you want me to tie my arms up for my trust. Monkey said yea.(he tied his arms up)Lion said why arm you still shaking. the monkey said you can kill me with your legs. Lion said do you want me to tie my legs up as well.(Monkey says yes)Lion then said now theres no way for me to harm you now come down from the tree. The monkey come down from the tree and lion says why are you still shaking im all tied up. Monkey says im not shaking from being scared, I just never had S*X with a LION

 

[bleyva]

got a few smash-related jokes for ya:

-captain falcon picks a fistfight with a homeless guy. within a few seconds, CF jumps up and buries an electric knee into the guys face, and he's sent flying. the dude gets up and says "HEY! YOU USED YOUR KNEE, THAT WASNT FAIR!", to which falcon responds, "whatya mean? that was my fair!" lol

-why does wolf's gun suck so bad in Brawl? cause its more of a Melee weapon.

aaaand some run-of-the-mill jokes:

-ya hear about the sniper who killed Adam in the garden of Eden? he was a first person shooter

-whats black on the outside and white on the inside? Rick James nose

 

[Tom]

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillop

What do you call an Italian with a rubber toe?

Roberto

What do you call an epileptic salad?

A seizure salad

What do you call a Pakistani with a piece of ham on his head?

Hammed

What do you call a Pakistani with two pieces of ham on his head?

Mohammed

 

[sammy p]

i Thought This Was Pretty Funny:

"lesson To Be Learned From Typing The Wrong Email Address:

A Minneapolis Couple Decided To Go To Florida To Thaw Out During A Particularly Icy Winter. They Planned To Stay At The Same Hotel Where They Spent Their Honeymoon 20 Years Earlier. Because Of Hectic Schedules, It Was Difficult To Coordinate Their Travel Plans. So, The Husband Left Minneapolis And Flew To Florida On Thursday, With His Wife Flying Down The Following Day. The Husband Checked Into The Hotel. There Was A Computer In His Room, So He Decided To Send An Email To His Wife. However, He Ally Left Out One Letter In Her Email Address, And Without Realizing His Error, Sent The Email.

Meanwhile, Somewhere In Houston, A Widow Had Just Returned Home From Her Husband's Funeral. He Was A Minister Who Was Called Home To Glory Following A Heart Attack. The Widow Decided To Check Her Email Expecting Messages From Relatives And Friends. After Reading The First Message, She Screamed And Fainted. The Widow's Son Rushed Into The Room, Found His Mother On The Floor, And Saw The Computer Screen Which Read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I Know You're Surprised To Hear From Me. They Have Computers Here Now And You Are Allowed To Send Emails To Your Loved Ones. I've Just Arrived And Have Been Checked In. I See That Everything Has Been Prepared For Your Arrival Tomorrow. Looking Forward To Seeing You Then. Hope Your Journey Is As Uneventful As Mine Was.

P.s. Sure Is Freaking Hot Down Here!!!!!"

Bahahahahah!!!!!!!!

ok so heres mine!!

Two Blonds walked into a bar...... Too bad they didnt see it!

 

[Pierre the Scarecrow]

You look out your window and find a layer of snow - how do you know that Will Smith has been there?

The fresh prints.

---

Three priests are discussing how they divide the money from the collection plate between themselves and the church.

The first priest says, "I have a system. I draw a line on the ground, and throw the money into the air. Whatever falls on this side of the line is for me, and whatever falls on that side is for God."

The second priest says, "I also have a system. I draw a circle on the ground, and throw the money into the air. Whatever falls inside the circle is for me, and whatever falls outside is for God."

The third priest says, "I too have a system. I throw the money in the air, and whatever God catches He can keep!"

 

[Jonkku]

Epic? You want epic? Go read the longest joke in the world.


http://www.innocentenglish.com/best-funny-jokes/longest-joke-ever.html

1 and a half hours to read it.. And the ending was THAT lame!

Daamn..!

 

[Hobs]

got a few smash-related jokes for ya:

-captain falcon picks a fistfight with a homeless guy. within a few seconds, CF jumps up and buries an electric knee into the guys face, and he's sent flying. the dude gets up and says "HEY! YOU USED YOUR KNEE, THAT WASNT FAIR!", to which falcon responds, "whatya mean? that was my fair!" lol

Wha...What?!

Inconceivable!

 

[Piety the Diety]

Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: Chickens hadn't evolved yet.

 

[_Avalon_]

got a few smash-related jokes for ya:

-captain falcon picks a fistfight with a homeless guy. within a few seconds, CF jumps up and buries an electric knee into the guys face, and he's sent flying. the dude gets up and says "HEY! YOU USED YOUR KNEE, THAT WASNT FAIR!", to which falcon responds, "whatya mean? that was my fair!" lol

lolol...BEST YET


lolololol..fair

 

[127crazie]

A bible joke: (I'm not sexist, only the joke is)

God offered Adam a perfect companion who would always be faithful, loyal, agreeing, good natured, and beautiful. Adam told him, "Well, what'll that cost me, God?" And God said, "An arm and a leg." Adam replied, "That price sounds pretty steep. What can I get for a rib?"

 

[Rici]

1 and a half hours to read it.. And the ending was THAT lame!

Daamn..!

Dude, that is one of the best things ever made . The ending was not lame at all!

 

[UberMario]

Here's a funny one.

An older guy who was drinking on the way home got his car stuck in a snow drift on the road.
A policeman is told to locate this "crash." When he gets there he tries to fine the guy (who fell asleep at the wheel). The policeman ends up waking the older guy up, but the guy becomes so scared of being arrested that he floors down the pedal, resulting in the car going nowhere because it's stuck. The policeman jog in place and shouts "PULL OVER!" so that's what the drunk "did." To this day that man can't figure out how a policeman can run at over 50 miles per hour.

 

[StinkomanFan]

2 guys walk into a bar. The 3rd one ducks.

 

[Melfice z]

Any joke ever made by Dave chapelle

 

[D13]

Dude, that is one of the best things ever made . The ending was not lame at all!

Sir, you have good tatse.

Helen Keller joke time.

What did Helen Keller say when she fell off the cliff?

Spoiler

Nothing. She was wearing mittens.

 

[Meleeruler]

A man drives over his wife with the family car. Whose fault is it?

The man's fault: he shouldn't have been driving in the kitchen.

 

[#HBC | Mac]

I want to guest teach a conversational english class, the topic being the longest joke ever. There are so many hidden gems in that piece of reading.

 

[Amide]

I read the world's longest joke. The ending really grows on you. I finished it, displeased, and cracked up 10 minutes later.

 

[UberMario]

Here's another:

Why couldn't the giant fart in the tunnel?

*Punch*

Spoiler

Because the cut clearence was too low!

*Line*

 

[Cacti]

That was a great joke, and I chuckled at the end. However, I enjoyed the story more than the punchline at the end.

 

[Frown]

Jasper, Ed and Fernando are three convicts who have been deported to Australia. Once they get to their camp, they all manage to escape, and run straight into the jungle. They walk and walk, but can't seem to find anything edible. After two days, they are starving.

Suddenly, they arrive to a part of the jungle where they find all sorts of fruits imaginable, and most importantly, a huge bowl of grilled meat. They all start eating of it, but it turns out the bowl of meat was a sacrifice for the god of a tribal village. The members of the tribe throw the convicts into a pit, and they are left to die down there. The witch doctor then arrives.

"I will give you one chance to live. If you can find a fruit I have never seen before, you may be released. But if I HAVE seen the fruit, I will shove it up your butt!"

Jasper, Ed and Fernando accept, since they aren't too fond of dying. Jasper walks into the jungle, and comes back with a mango.

"It's a mango, sorry" says the witch doctor and shoves it up Jasper's butt.

Then Ed and Fernando leave. Ed comes back with a banana, but the witch doctor recognizes it and shoves it upp Ed's butt. Ed screams in agony for a minute, but then starts to laugh. After another minute, he is rolling on the ground, laughing.

"What is it?" asks the witch doctor.

"HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LOOK OVER THERE! FERNANDO IS COMING THIS WAY, AND HE IS CARRYING A FREAKIN' PUMPKIN!"

 

[Neutral]

LOL, pumpkins are a fruit? Nice joke.

 

[Rusty Shacklefurd]

This may contain a bit of mature subject matter, but I can live with an infraction for the sake of humour.


A father is walking down the hall when he hears a rapid smacking sound coming from his son's bedroom. Recognising the sound, he bursts in and says "Son, if you keep doing that, one of these days, you're going to go blind!", to which his son replies "I'm over here, dad."