My name is Jon Questions:
I’m a spy… that is, until the SWF (Smart Wing ****ers) notified me that I’ve been owned.
“This is the SWF; we’ve got an own notice on you, you’ve been blacklisted.”
When you’re owned you have nothing to fall back on. No cash, no credit, no job history; you’re stuck in whatever city they decide to dump you in.
“Where am I?”
“NC.”
You do whatever work cums your way.
You rely on anyone who’s still talking to you.
The trigger-happy Ex-Girlfriend: “Should we **** them?”
The old friend who used to inform on you to the FBI: “You know spies, bunch of B!tchy little girls.”
And Family too… if you’re desperate: “Someone needs your help, Jon.”
Bottom line, as long as you’re owned you’re not going anywhere.
Jon Notice
“Jon, we’ve got work,” said Bill as he barged right into Jon’s home.
Bill: The Friend:
“What is it Bill?”
“Well, you’re not gonna believe this, Jon. There’s someone in the Atlantic South who wants you dead.”
“What a surprise, Bill…”
“But wait, it gets better. According to my intel the man after you played a hefty role in getting you owned, but the best part – ooh and this one’s a doozy – is that he wants you dead because he claims you used to be his gay lover and that you broke his heart.”
“That’s impossible, Bill, you know it’s only gay if the balls touch!”
“I know, I know, but still… If this is one of the guys who got you owned, that means he’s worth looking into, imo.”
“Name’s Lord_Karn, a real *******.
Lord_Karn: the *******.
Jon took the files that Bill threw onto the table and skimmed through them.
“Looks like the red tape’s been suiting him.”
“Oh, you bet. This guy’s been sitting in the back seats of every scandal you don’t know.”
“Sounds scandalous…”
“Sssssssssscandalousssssss…”
“Scan…Dallas…”
“Scan…Dallas…Texas…”
“Scan…Dallas…Texas… banned Meta Knight!”
“Those *******s!”
“Anyway, Jon, what is it that you and Karn got involved in?”
“Way back when, there was a Flame War between SWF and AiB (All is Base). We were part of the raid on the Brawl Tactical Discussion boards. We had each others’ backs. I S’d his D; he D’d my S. There were a lot of terrible things done back then. If it weren’t for him I’d probably be buried six feet under by now.
“And somewhere along the lines, you guys played tennis with some balls and you scored gaymandset.”
“Bill, I’m telling you, balls did not make contact.”
“Ok, ok, I get it Jon; it looks like I’m touching a sensitive subject… get it Jon? Sensitive… like your testicles.”
“That’s very creative, Bill…” Jon let out an exasperated sigh. “What do you expect me to do with this info, there’s hardly anything current here.”
“Turns out Karn is actually in NC as well. He’s doing the rounds along his estates, trying to scrounge up a little extra cash for something. I thought maybe you could use these docs for a cover I.D.”
Jon’s cell phone suddenly started ringing.
“Yeah, it’s me.”
“Jon, I need you to come home quickly. It’s an emergency!”
“A burned Green Greens roast, mom?”
Foxy: the mom
“It was on fire, Jon!”
Jon took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.
“Never mind, what do you want?”
“There’s this friend of mine who I met on FacebookTwitter and… I told her about this guy I know who fixes problems.”
“And you were talking about me?”
“Well, I thought maybe you and I could do a little detective work together. You know… Spend some quality time.”
“I’ll think about it…”
“Well, you better think quick because I’m having her over any minute now.”
In a moment of coincidence, there came a knocking on the front door. Jon went to answer.
“Hi, is Foxy here?”
The FacebookTwitter buddy:
“Yeah, she’s right over…”
The woman didn’t waste any time, she quickly walked around Jon and rushed into the house.
“Honey, what’s wrong, you’re out of breath!”
“Someone’s chasing me.”
“Sorry for rushing in like this… I’m Amy.”
Amy: The FacebookTwitter buddy:
“You must be the guy Foxy told me about.”
“I guess so; you said you were being chased by someone? Chased by who?”
“I-I don’t know, that’s the problem, but I know that it’s not just one person… Do you have a computer?”
“This is it. Group 48578; a bunch of freaks who have been using a picture of me on the internet.”
Amy scrolled the web page down to the description of the group: Welcome to Group 48578, if you’re in this group then you know why.
“It goes beyond pictures though. Some of them have been following me… Stalking me… Please…” Her eyes shone brilliantly as she pleaded Jon. “Please do something about this. I can’t even leave home without feeling afraid.”
As a spy, you’re obligated to distance yourself from your clients, but, like it or not, you’re still human, and sometimes you can’t help but feel some emotion.
“I’ll see what I can do.”
The next day, Jon was doing his daily workout: one hundred thousand push-ups with no hands, but the workout was cut short when a visitor knocked on the door.
“Hello, Jon.”
Kriiona: the Ex-Girlfriend:
“Krii, what are you doing here?”
“You’re friend Bill sent me to tell you some good news. Sad, that he couldn’t be here; he said something about… stalking someone?” She took a glance at Jon, silently asking him what Bill was doing, but she didn’t get any answer quickly enough so she just raided Jon’s fridge and took out a frozen yogurt. “It turns out,” she paused, mid-sentence to swallow a spoonful of yogurt, “That Lord_Karn is also a part of the Group 48578 and that he’s here to convene a meeting with the other members in Chapel Hill to decide on a more effective way of stalking Amy. It’s one hell of a coincidence. Now all we have to do is use an alternate account of Renth on SWF and make them think you’re one of them… Easy pickings.”
In the movies, the hackers are depicted as magicians with computers; with the ability to get anything they want at any time, any place, and no effort needed. In real life, however, it is near impossible to just access data without any kind of entrance first. If you can’t use magic, then you can use the next-best option: Already possessed data, like an account on SWF.
Jon scrolled the web page to display a small message below the group name. It read, “All members in the Raleigh area must gather and play Smash tonight at 7:00 PM by the IHOP Docks.” Jon had no idea what the term ‘playing Smash’ meant, but he inferred that it must mean drugs. In order to get to Lord_Karn, Jon will have to become a member of Group 48578 and convince them that he’s one of them. Only then, will he get the chance to find out why he got owned.
Jon and Bill walked casually along the piers, with Krii supervising from a distance, searching for where the Group 48578 might be. A short distance from the piers there was a gay building with a sign on it that read, “Smash here.” Obviously, the location for the Raleigh 48578 counsel, Jon and Bill entered.
The inside of the building was vastly different from what the outside might indicate. The interior was littered with hundred dollar bills and the walls were a dark, purple hue. An odd choice, but the color didn’t feel to gaudy. There was a group of people, around six, sitting on a cluster of sofas. Jon and Bill took their seats on the sofa to the far side. It had only one other person sitting there.
“Hi, you must be the new guy, you’re Renth_Jerker, right? “I’m Dark_Hart, nice to meet you, and you must be…”
“He’s my assistant, his name’s Bill; you can call me Jon… So how about that Amy, huh? Gonna stalk her and **** her *** to *** and then stalk her more, right?”
“Dude, -what- no, that’s just not right. We’re gonna use her FacebookTwitter picture as our avatars on SWF and then encourage other people to do it.”
Amy was right, these men were some truly sick freaks, using a picture of her on the internet because it was… funny? Jon had to stifle his urge to shoot Dark_Hart in the d!ck, and he had that urge ever since he laid eyes on him. A man on the other sofa across from Jon suddenly stood up.
“Okay guys, as you know, there is a new face among us, so let’s introduce ourselves to our newest member of Group 48578. I’m ACE:”
Each man stood up individually introducing themselves.
Dark Hart:
A Pimp Named Sudai:
St0ngertr0n:
Zero_Gamer the SBASWA:
Mew2King:
Jon stood up and introduced himself as well. At the moment, his plan was going accordingly; he had deceived the group into thinking he was one of them. Now he had to get them to reveal Lord_Karn’s location. ACE resumed his speech after the introductions ended.
“Now that the formalities are over, let’s get down to business…
- to defeat the Huns
Did they send me daughters when I asked for sons?
You're the saddest bunch I've ever met
But you can bet before we're through
Mister, I'll make a man out of you
Tranquil as a forest
But on fire within
Once you find your center
You are sure to win
You're a spineless, pale pathetic lot
And you haven't got a clue
Somehow I'll make a man out of you
I'm never gonna catch my breath
Say goodbye to those who knew me
Boy, was I a fool in school for cutting gym
This guy's got 'em scared to death
Hope he doesn't see right through me
Now I really wish that I knew how to swim
(Chorus
Be a man
We must be swift as the coursing river
Be a man
With all the force of a great typhoon
Be a man
With all the strength of a raging fire
Mysterious as the dark side of the moon
Time is racing toward us till the Huns arrive
Heed my every order and you might survive
You're unsuited for the rage of war
So pack up, go home you're through
How could I make a man out of you?
(repeat chorus)
(repeat chorus)
Jon couldn’t believe what the man had said. He had just announced that the group was planning on destroying China to initiate a third World War and that they would need Amy’s picture on everyone’s avatars in order to do so. He had to do something to prevent this from happening, but he couldn’t do anything right now. When the enemy has the advantageous matchup, you can’t provoke them. Jon was about to stand to ask a question when a man walked towards ACE.
“Hi, I’m the new member of Group 48578: Renth_Jerker.”
“That can’t be,” said ACE, “Unless…” ACE didn’t get to finish his train of thought. Just then a rifle sounded from the distance and a Ganon-Forward-Air caliber bullet came toward ACE’s face, but was thrown off course by the gravitational force of his bulge and it rounded away from him and into everyone else, but Jon and Bill. Jon took this opportunity to dash at ACE and grab him, then throw him into the ground and pew pew, then grab him again, slam him into the ground again, and pew pew again, then grab him once more, slam him into the ground once more, then pew pew him once more and finish him with a drill kick and a strike with a giant blue hexagon. With the man now incapacitated, Jon demanded some answers.
“Where is Lord_Karn!?”
“I-I don’t know man, what are you going to do to me?”
“Nothing, if you just tell me where he is!”
“I-I can’t, he’ll kill me if I tell you.
“Hey buddy, if you don’t tell us, WE’LL kill you.”
“No!”
Jon twisted ACE’s hand tightly.
“OKAY, okay, fine, he’s holding a Smash tournament in the Hills of Chapel, now can you please let me go!?”
“Fine, and tell Lord_Karn I’m coming for him.” ACE, now released from Jon’s death grip, managed to get back to his feet and flee.
“Boss, we’ve got a problem!”
“Let the speech from your mouth flow like a river of frogs.”
“It’s that Jon guy you told us about. He’s crashed the Raleigh 48578 counsel and killed everyone!”
“And you allowed the being to obtain your foot trails of the road along the path to survival?”
“Yeah, I thought that’s what I should do, especially after-” ACE’s sentence was cut short when Lord_Karn revealed a handgun and shot him twice in the bulge, killing him instantly. “The lair of the Thundercats, its foundation, was built, brick by brick, by the bears.” Before Lord_Karn laid down his pistol, Jon had already appeared before him.
“Hello, Lord_Karn.”
“Ahh, so the man of birds and mascara approaches with the power of beginning.”
“Yes, I’m still alive, but I’m afraid the same can’t be said about you.” Jon fired his gun, but Lord_Karn was an extremely good shot and he fired his own gun at the approaching bullet, causing it to spin off-path and hit the apartment to the side.
“Professor PissUrine is the man responsible for your own, but the end is the beginning is the end has come.”
“The end for you, my friend.” As if by magic, another bullet zoomed in on Lord_Karn silently and it struck him in the chest.
“Do you know why the man touched the balls, Lord_Karn?”
“Because he wanted to hug the balls… I remember… I want you to know…” Lord_Karn coughed spastically as the blood trickled down his shirt, “That I still bro love you Jon.”
“And I, you.” After saying these words, Lord_Karn rolled to his side and died.
“Listen, I want to thank you again for getting rid of that group. I wish there was some way I could repay you…”
“Don’t worry about it. I already got something valuable thanks to you; just try not to get any more stalkers on your case.”
“So… You took care of Lord_Karn and managed to get a name out of him. Any idea who this Professor PissUrine is?
“No, but at least we have something to work off of.”
“Yeah, I guess so… It’s always good to stay positive, especially since Lord_Karn’s balls were negative and the magnetic attraction forced them to make contact…Jon, you’re gay.”
The End
Writers notes: Probably not one of my best works, but I'm still satisfied with it. It's kinda hard to capture the feel of a television show in text form... >.>
