Eh.
I just saw your most recent post in the "Something Bothering You?" thread today. You and I are a lot alike, as strange as that sounds.
I got screwed out of school. The state of Florida decided that it would be awesome to misplace pertinent information for its scholarship, "Bright Futures." Of course this was not awesome to me and I was ill-prepared to tackle the other options available to me. Federal loans were out of the question, as my parent's income barred me from taking any money from the federal government until I was twenty-five. I didn't have a line of credit built up to acquire secondary loans from places like Sallie Mae or even other third party creditors. To make matters worse, I even decided that it would be prudent to shack up with a woman that not only lived relatively far away from where I was living now but was also just far outside of my scope to begin with. Many years older with a child and coming off of the heels of a divorce? Ick, ick, ick. It had disaster written all over it, but I persisted anyway. It was a welcome leave from my Dad, who insisted that my laziness was going to be the end of me and that he was driving me bat**** crazy trying to get me into a full-time position at the job that I have (up to current) have held for six years.
The aegis of love is a sham.
Two years of accomplishing nothing, that's what being under that aegis entailed. I ended up getting kicked out of the ex's house for "inadequacies" and ended up eking a living out in the slums of Georgia. Did it for nearly a year, paying for a car I didn't even want to drive and living off of little more than thirty dollars a week. I was lucky enough to get full-time at this point (the only reason I hadn't before was, well, I needed the flexibility of part-time in order to watch and take care of her kid) but it still wasn't enough. I eventually caved in and decided to go back home to my Dad so that I could get back on my feet again.
I didn't stay home long. I moved back out within a few months, settling into a one bedroom apartment. This time I'm not living by myself but with my roomie, who happens to also be one of my closest friends. It isn't an easy thing though; he is unemployed (had been when he moved back from Ohio) and is little more than another bill I have to consider every month. I give him credit, though; he is trying to find a job and is scraping up enough money from his parents to help out around here. Still, though, it doesn't help my state of mind.
I talk a good game. I tell people that this job that I'm pushing up the ranks in is merely a stepping stone to where I need to be: School. The reality of it is the years between, all of the stuff I have to go through. I wonder if it's really worth it. It makes me feel hopeless sometimes. I talk of survival, even have the gall to tell people (i.e. you) that survival is tantamount in this day and age...but what am I surviving for? To hell with that shiny light at the end of the tunnel...it's just more problems for me.
* Takes a deep breath.*
Okay. I think I've ranted enough. Short version: I know how you feel, so you're not alone.