[WWYP - XIV] Breaking the Mold

[Gova]

I scanned the lecture hall again, to update myself of my current surroundings. The professor had just came in and was walking down the aisle. Everything about him was delightfully dull: his looks, his clothes, and especially his class. I often found myself daydreaming about pointless things that would never happen instead of taking notes. To my right, there were a bunch of girls standing around and talking to another girl that was already sitting. It sounded like they were getting advice on something but I didn't eavesdrop long enough to discover the topic. They were so close to me though that it was almost unavoidable. I tried tuning them out but the giddiness of their conversation was getting on my nerves. She seemed to have solved all their problems as they collectively thanked her and sat down elsewhere.

How nice, I thought, as I turned my head towards the podium where the professor was. I rested my chin on my palm as I waited for the lecture to start.

“Maybe you could help me solve my problems?” I muttered under my breath, not that I had any.

“Sure, what's your deal?” she responded.

I was caught off guard by her response as I was sure that I was quiet enough that she wouldn't hear me, to the point that I could convince myself that I hadn't said anything out loud. She was looking directly at me but I avoided making eye contact while inspecting her person since I wasn't able to see her clearly earlier. She had bleach blonde hair done back in a ponytail and had brown eyes. Her skin was very white and her clothes were very dark which was odd. It was as if she purposely dressed that way; it was like trying to cover a light but that only made it shine brighter because it was in a dark room. She was essentially the opposite of who I am as a person. I wish I could be more like her. She must have all the fun.

“Uh, I don't actually have a problem."

“Oh, well I'm sure there something that's troubling you?”

“Not that I know of. I can't say I have any worries; no conflicts that I can think of. Nothing interesting goes on in my life."

“That sounds like a problem to me” she argued.

“I'm not so sure.”

The smile she was wearing faded.

“Well,” she said. “If you think nothing is interesting, maybe your problem is that you don't enjoy life.”

I was dumbstruck, again. I don't enjoy life? Is that different than not enjoying living? I definitely want to be alive so it must be different. But what does enjoying life even mean? I was becoming restless as I tried to come up with an answer, but to no avail. I glanced over at her while I came to impasse in my thoughts. She was snickering; at me probably. I must have had a dumb look on my face while I was contemplating what I was even doing with my life. The more I thought about what she said, the more I felt it was true.

Why did I find everything so boring anyways? It must be because I never experience anything life has to offer. I'm just content to spend countless hours just making jokes with friends about everything; “wouldn't it be cool if it was like this... or what if it was this way...” even though I shouldn't be. My own imagination just gets in the way of just appreciating anything I could experience just because I can think of a way to make it cooler to me, even though I know I could never make it that way.

I would have to change or limit my perspective to some degree just so I could enjoy something as it is. I've been so set in my ways though that I wouldn't even know how to begin to do that. How do I change myself? feel trapped in my own skin. If I could just break off a piece of myself to see what would happen I might understand better. How would I keep that change from regressing though? Is it similar to how pretending to have confidence is the same as actually having it? Do I just pretend to have changed until I'm molded the way I want to be? I can feel myself beginning to crumble, I just need a way to break through myself before I lose this motivation or this inspiration or whatever it is I'm feeling, something I've never done, before I become set in stone again, but what is there to do at exactly this moment? I could only think of one thing.

“Hey” I said to her.

“What?”

“Can I have your number?”

“Why?” she asked puzzlingly.

“To enjoy life.”

 

[Lore]

I liked the ending, haha. I just think that the long introspection in the middle drags on a bit too long.

 

[Gova]

What lines would you take out to shorten that part?

 

[DerpDaBerp]

I also enjoyed the ending. At first I was thinking that he comes out to her with the problem of thinking too much haha, but we'll get to that later.

1.

I was caught off guard by her response as I [was] sure that I was quiet enough that she wouldn't hear me, to the point that I could convince myself that I just thought that and that I had not said it out loud. She was looking directly at me but I avoided making eye contact while inspected her person since I wasn't able to see her clearly earlier.

Surely there is a cleaner way to say all this. I kind of stumbled on how long that first sentence is. You don't need to say both "that I just thought it" and "and that I had not said it out loud."

2.

“Uh, I don't actually have a problem. Even if I did, I doubt you would be able to help me because of your outlook on life. You wouldn't be able to see things from my perspective.”

It was this quote that made me not like your character. I understand you need a reason for him to not tell her so he can do his introspection, but he kinda jumps the gun in flat out assuming her "outlook on life". Him saying that on top of already admitting he has no particular problem makes him sound stuck up.
He doesn't need to make a bold statement, just refuse her offer in some way. In fact, him not irking her (as much) makes it easier to believe that she'll give him her number by the end of the story.
Get her to say something about enjoying life without him sounding like a jerk and the story flows better, IMO.

3.

introspection

I didn't dislike this section in and of itself. I think we can all relate to the frequent segues of our trains of thought. The problem I think is that it's one solid chunk that tries to tie the two sides of your story together.
The first thing I would suggest is to break apart that paragraph into smaller ones. Perhaps also fill the gaps with relevant narrative. It's simply a really long paragraph.
Secondly, you have to convince me (probably by some changes in that first paragraph where we learn about him initially) that this is a guy who is already on the verge of change and just needs that girl to be a catalyst. It's hard to believe that just a few moments of inner thought changes this bored student into a risk taker.


I hope that helps

 

[GoldShadow]

Will echo pretty much everything Derp said (he seems to be excellent at diagnosing the precise issues with a piece!).

What lines would you take out to shorten that part?

Revamp the whole paragraph. Readers don't usually like long chunks of unadorned introspection, and with good reason: it's usually boring and relies on a whole lot of telling without much showing. Telling is not in itself a bad thing, but you want to avoid large sections of it, and generally you should break it up with liberal sprinklings of showing. In this case, it just feels like a lot of trivial, philosophical drivel by some average guy whom we (the readers) do not really care deeply about.

Instead, perhaps have the character recall a specific incident that sort of sums up all the thoughts he's verbalizing? Something that makes the reader interested in what is being said, because things are happening (or at least, the character is recounting things that have happened), because it's showing the reader your character's thoughts instead of just telling them, because painting a picture with words is almost always better than just writing a wall of words.

Also consider omitting a lot of the thought process. Keep only the most important parts, and then when he says "Can I have your number?" it makes the reader fill in the blanks and think about what made the character arrive at that decision.

Anyway, I did enjoy the story overall, and I really liked the ending too. A delightful little optimistic surprise.

 

[DerpDaBerp]

will echo pretty much everything derp said (he seems to be excellent at diagnosing the precise issues with a piece!).

<3

 

[Jim Morrison]

Will echo pretty much everything Derp said (he seems to be excellent at diagnosing the precise issues with a piece!).


Revamp the whole paragraph. Readers don't usually like long chunks of unadorned introspection, and with good reason: it's usually boring and relies on a whole lot of telling without much showing. Telling is not in itself a bad thing, but you want to avoid large sections of it, and generally you should break it up with liberal sprinklings of showing. In this case, it just feels like a lot of trivial, philosophical drivel by some average guy whom we (the readers) do not really care deeply about.

Instead, perhaps have the character recall a specific incident that sort of sums up all the thoughts he's verbalizing? Something that makes the reader interested in what is being said, because things are happening (or at least, the character is recounting things that have happened), because it's showing the reader your character's thoughts instead of just telling them, because painting a picture with words is almost always better than just writing a wall of words.

Also consider omitting a lot of the thought process. Keep only the most important parts, and then when he says "Can I have your number?" it makes the reader fill in the blanks and think about what made the character arrive at that decision.

Anyway, I did enjoy the story overall, and I really liked the ending too. A delightful little optimistic surprise.

And I'm gonna echo what Gold said here, it's my only problem with the story. It was a chunk that I would literally skim over if it was a book I was reading.

I really love the piece though, I'm really amazed by how you could think of such a cool story, it works really well with this 1000 word limit .

 

[Gova]

Thanks for all the input. I changed some things based on the feedback and am happy with how the story turned out.