WWYP X --- The Remedy of Death (1,703 words)

[Airgemini]

Hi guys this is my first time in participating in WWYP. I wish everyone good luck! ^^
Any and all critiques, advices will be appreciated, thanks!
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The school bell rang, slowly awaking Chris from his deep slumber in his realm of fantasies and dreams of nonexistent dreams; Chris soon realized that he was back in reality, the reality he hated with a deep passion. He had no friends, was considered a no one amongst the clouds of people in his life, he had no family that cared about him, no job, extremely poor grades, and had no sign of potential. He had dirty brown hair, was about 5’10, had brown eyes, was somewhat skinny, and was pale. His only guidance or “friends” as he sometimes called them was the mental psyches in his head, he referred to them as Happy Psyche and Sad Psyche. They influenced his ambitions, thoughts, emotions, and actions. They would often talk to him, trying to constantly persuade him to do either good or horrible things or decisions.

Lost in his thoughts while gathering his items he left school and walked home, rain started to pour. Each drop felt like a tear of horrifying despair from his past, each drop made him weaker and weaker; he could feel his Sad Psyche emerging from its dark abyss in his soul. He could hear it talk to him, shoving negative thoughts into his head, and scribbling out the all the positive.

“I’m so worthless, I don’t deserve to live, and I serve no purpose…” the Sad Psyche said.

“But maybe I can change my life around and get a new start” the Happy Psyche sad cheerfully.

“NO! I’m helpless and no matter what I do me always will be, the only solution is to kill myself.” the Sad Psyche retaliated.

“But if I kill myself, what good will that do? Death isn’t a solution to a problem, if I work hard I know I can commence a new realm of life” the Happy Psyche suggested.

“But why wait?! Kill myself now all my despair and misery will be flushed down the drain!” the Sad Psyche quickly said.

He rubbed his head as the ongoing battle between new life and death remained. He was approaching his house. Oh how he hated it, it was worn down, and the roof was almost caved in. The place smelled of putrid clothes, and sweat. He had a mother and a step dad, or so his mother says; he prefers to call him “mom’s boyfriend”. He opened the door after some strain, the bolts were a little misplaced, however there wasn’t a lock and anybody could easily break in. As he opened the door a warm breeze of revolting stench filled his nostrils once again, his mom probably burned something again. His mom was a severe smoker and had no college training; she dropped out of high school on her eight grade year because she was pregnant with him.

“Mom I’m home!” Chris said.

“Chris! Get in here now!” she shouted.

He gloomily walked to her in the living room. The lights were dim and hardly any sunshine lit through the torn curtains, and shattered windows. He saw his mom slouching in her chair with her cigarette in her mouth, and a bottle of beer to her side, the clouds of smoke fogged his vision for a moment.

“Yes mother?” Chris said dully.

“Your step father is coming over tonight and you’re going to make us dinner.” she said calmly.

“He’s not my step father! He’s your boyfriend, he’s not a part of our family” Chris said. When he said it he remembered he really didn’t have a family to begin with.

“How dare you speak to me that way!” she said furiously.

She threw her beer bottle at him and it hit him in the face, he was filled with pain, each of the glass shards felt like a thousand needles impaling him, he let out a shriek.

“Now clean that up and get fix our dinner now!” she shouted.

“I hate her so much” the Sad Psyche said angrily.

He got a broom and swept the shards up to the best of his ability. He could feel his face drenched in tiny droplets of blood, the alcohol burned his eyes.

“I wish I could make her feel my pain” the Sad Psyche projected into his head.

“If I just do what she says I won’t feel any more pain.” the Happy Psyche implied.

He slowly walked into the kitchen without a sound, without any words. He knew if he showed any signs of verbal or physical retaliation he would probably be kicked out and have nowhere to live. Their only source of income was from the agency that helped them pay off their rent because they were low class. He went to search for washcloth so that he could wipe the blood off his face, he found one, it was rather dirty but he still used it regardless. He turned on the faucet and water was slowly pouring out, it smelled like sewage water to him. As he washed his face off he winced whenever he touched glass, it stung him intensively, but he didn’t care. He often reminisced all the other times where scenarios like this happened. Like the time his mom put his hands on the hot stove for entertainment, or the time when he would be beaten by his mom’s boyfriend and she’d sit and watch. It was all repeated history to him; he no longer felt physical pain.

When finished he went in search for something to eat, all he could find was pasta noodles and tomato sauce, so he decided to make pasta to the best of his ability, he searched for a pan or something that he could fix the pasta in as he was unsure what to use. He found a rusty dirty pan; he went along with it since he considered it to be the cleanest item in the kitchen. As he was making it he had no idea what he was doing but felt that he was taking the necessary steps to making it, finally it was done.

His mom’s boyfriend arrived drunk and late as usual; he served the pasta to him and his mom in little hopes that they would both like it since he put somewhat effort into making it considering his conditions. The boyfriend took a bite and quickly spit it out in Chris’s face.

“What the hell is this?! You call this food?!” he said

Chris’s heart began to pound in anticipation of the inevitable, he noticed a gun in his pocket and his heart pounded slightly quicker. The boyfriend threw the plate on the floor and struck Chris. He fell fast to the floor; his lip was spilt and bleeding noticeably fast. He began to kick him repeatedly, Chris’s mom watched while a cigarette was in her mouth, and she breathed smoke as Chris was getting beating. She seemed not to care the slightest about his injuries and beating. Suddenly Chris on reaction punched the boyfriend back with lots of force; the boyfriend touched his lip and noticed the ruby blood on his fingers. Out of furious rage he pulled the gun out of his pocket and loaded it with three bullets, Chris’s mom tried to get the gun away from him in panic. Chris watched as his mom and her boyfriend struggled for the gun.

“Does my mom actually care about my life? Is she actually trying to help me for once?” Chris thought.

“Maybe she does love me…” the Happy Psyche said with a sad tone.

“What am I thinking?! Why would she love me? She never has and never will.” The Sad Psyche said with a quick reaction.

Lost in his train of thoughts again he didn’t even notice that the gun went off and his mother fell to the floor dead, lifeless, without light. Chris stared for a moment and didn’t know what to feel, sorrow or happiness. All he knew was that she was finally gone, he didn’t know if this would make his future would grow dimmer, or brighter. The boyfriend pointed the gun at him and squeezed on the trigger. Instinctively Chris lashed out for the gun and grabbed it. Chris felt a sort of Déjà vu come upon him. They both fought for the gun, the boyfriend and Chris was struggling for the gun, unsure of what was to come, Chris felt the handle touch his fingers and pulled, and in one second the gun went off. They both stared into each other’s eyes, and the boyfriend fell to the floor with his chest pouring out crimson red blood. Chris watched as he slowly died in front of his eyes, until he remained still, paralyzed. Chris noticed the gun on the floor and picked it up.

“What should I do...? Chris thought.

“I should kill myself!” the Sad Psyche suggested.

“No I shouldn’t I can walk away from this, get help and turn my life around.” The Happy Psyche wisely said.

“Like that’ll work. I have no home, no family, I’m all alone and it’s too late for me to change my life. The only solution is to end it here and now and move to a better place where I can’t screw anything up.” the Sad Psyche said with a pessimistic tone.

“But giving up doesn’t get you anywhere in life. If I give up now it’ll make me a failure and coward. I CAN change my life.” The Happy Psyche said.

Chris started to weep tears, tears of neither sorrow nor happiness. Just priceless, empty, emotionless tears. He clenched his fists up near his head.

“Pull the trigger Chris!” the Sad Psyche quietly said.

“Don’t pull it!” the Happy Psyche screamed.

“PULL IT” the Sad Psyche yelled.

“DON’T PULL IT” the Happy Psyche said screamed concern.

“PULL!” the Sad Psyche screamed.

"DON’T!” the Happy Psyche screamed.

“DO IT, YOU WORTHLESS *******!” the Sad Psyche screamed.









Chris threw the gun at the wall with force. He cried in his arms as he sat alone with the lifeless corpses. Chris believed he could give himself a second chance, and walked to the path of light that would lead to his bright new future.

 

[Airgemini]

Sorry for the font and stuff. When I pasted it from Microsoft the font was all black and messed up. I tried to fix it to the best of my ability.

Anyways critique away!

 

[Omis]

I would take out the epilogue, if I were you. It feels tacked on and I would much rather think of my own ending of it.

 

[Airgemini]

Any other critiques from anyone??

 

[SkylerOcon]

I think you should have done more with the sad/happy psyche thing. That was something you opened up at the beginning, but never really explored. Maybe try doing more with it?

Don't use fancy dialouge tags such as implied. The word 'said' works much better.

“What the hell is this?!” “You call this food?!”

Should read: “What the hell is this?! You call this food?!"

 

[Airgemini]

What about the epilogue? Should I take it out like omis? said?

Added a little more psyche character into the story.

 

[SMBEffect]

I'll have to read it when I find time, but as for the epilogue, I don't think it's a good idea. Make sure you get everything you want to say out during your actual story. Outside of that, it's not really necessary.

 

[Airgemini]

Okay, I'll take it out.
When you do read it feel free to critique!

Thanks! ^^

 

[El Nino]

I liked the sad versus happy psyche, the division of your main character's mind. You manage to have two sets of three-way character interactions: 1) Chris, mother, mother's boyfriend, and 2) Sad Psyche, Happy Psyche, Chris. You've set it up so that your protagonist is the tie between the two sets. That's somewhat impressive.

“Riiiinnng!!!!!” the school bell rang, slowly awaking from his deep slumber in his realm of fantasies and dreams of nonexistent paraphernalia;

That should be a comma at the end, not a semicolon. The first part is redundant. “Riiiinnng!!!!!” implies that something "rang." Just "The school bell rang," would be sufficient. Or "'Riiiinnng!!!!!' The school bell awakened Chris...."

Which brings me to my next point. "the school bell rang, slowly awaking from his deep slumber' sounds like the school bell is awaking. A couple ways to handle this are:

1) The school bell rang, slowly waking Chris from his deep slumber....
2) The school bell rang. Slowly awaking from his deep slumber, Chris soon realized....

Also, I question the use of the word "paraphernalia." From dicitonary.com, the definition is: "equipment, apparatus, or furnishing used in or necessary for a particular activity: a skier's paraphernalia. "

Chris soon realized that he was back into reality, the reality he hated with a deep passion.

Be careful of prepositions. "Into" is not interchangeable with "in." Here, I think you mean "back in reality," not "back into reality." If you were to phrase it differently: "The school bell dragged him back into reality," then it might work.

He had no friends, considered a no one amongst the clouds of people in his life, he had no family that cared about him, no job, extremely poor grades, and had no sign of potential.

Should be "was considered a no one...." This is a good place to offer more than just a laundry list of details, however.

Chris stared for a moment and didn’t know what to feel, sorrow or happiness. All he knew was that she was finally gone and his future would grow dimmer.

This does not seem like the most effective way to describe his reaction to his mother's death. It's interesting that he isn't immediately sad or horrified; it's interesting that he seems to want to choose between sorrow or happiness. But, I'd suggest doing a follow up on this in your "epilogue." When Chris grows up, does he realize that his mother essentially got killed trying to protect him? And does this do anything to make up for her past actions? Yes or no is up to you.

The boyfriend pointed the gun at him and slightly pushed on the trigger.

I am not a firearm expert. But..."slightly pushed"? Triggers are usually "squeezed" or "pulled." And..."slightly" doesn't quite work with guns.

the boyfriend fell to the floor with his chest pouring out crimson red blood.

If you were holding a gun, and someone else was trying to wrestle it away from you, what would have to happen in order for that weapon to discharge into your chest? Does Chris ever get control of the weapon? If he doesn't, then it means the weapon was in the step dad's hands the whole time. People shoot themselves on accident quite frequently. But cases I've heard involve people getting hit in the foot, leg, stomach or abdomen. Or the head. With your setup, I can picture one way that the step dad could get shot in the head. (Edit: It's not likely, but somewhat more plausible.)

Some other points I want to focus on:

1) The scenes involving Chris, his mother and her boyfriend could use work. Somehow, it doesn't seem very realistic to me. I'd suggest reading how other writers handle scenes involving violence, abuse and conflict.

2) For the epilogue, my suggestion is to try writing out a small scene involving Chris, who he is now, what he is doing, and how he feels about the past. Rather than just list us the events in his life following the event, try describing him as an adult, doing something with his life. And I still want to know whether he has forgiven his mother or not.

3) Read more. This story is held back by some awkward phrasing in parts. I could point them all out, but the best way to learn style is to read.

 

[Vyse]

I read it and it wasn't too shabby at all for a first attempt at a WWYP.
Here are the things I would consider revising.

1) You use the word 'implied' waaaaaaay too many times. I would consider changing all of them, and perhaps incorporate some form of imagery to represent the battle between his two sets of thinking.

Example:
“But if I kill myself, what good will that do? Death isn’t a solution to a problem, if I work hard I know I can commence a new realm of life,” the Happy Psyche's ever lasting positive outlook tried to sway Chris away from going down that path, though, the other side of Chris wasn't so easily influenced.

“But why wait?! Kill myself now all my despair and misery will be flushed down the drain!” the Sad Psyche stepped in, offering me a quick fix to all of my problems. It's a proposition Chris has considered many times, but, there had to be a reason he turned it down each time it came across his mind.

See, I think the problem with your execution of the two 'psyches' is that the struggle between them and Chris is only represented through speech, rather than taking a step back and letting the narrator do the talking.

He slowly walked into the kitchen without a sound, without any words. He knew if he showed any signs of verbal or physical retaliation he would probably be kicked out and have nowhere to live. Their only source of income was from the agency that helped them pay off their rent because they were low class. He went to search for washcloth so that he could wipe the blood off his face, he found one, it was rather dirty but he still used it regardless. He turned on the faucet and water was slowly pouring out, it smelled like sewage water to him. As he washed his face off he winced whenever he touched glass, it stung him intensively, but he didn’t care. He often reminisced all the other times where scenarios like this happened. Like the time his mom put his hands on the hot stove for entertainment, or the time when he would be beaten by his mom’s boyfriend and she’d sit and watch. It was all repeated history to him; he no longer felt physical pain. (Paragraph Split goes here)When finished he went in search for something to eat, all he could find was pasta noodles and tomato sauce, so he decided to make pasta to the best of his ability. As he was making it he had no idea what he was doing but felt that he was taking the necessary steps to making it, finally it was done.

This paragraph is too busy. You need to split up the 'cleaning his face' and 'cooking pasta' sections, then more fully flesh out the pasta making part.


There's more to be said, but I think collectively, everyone's trying to point you in the right direction. Try reworking your story with some of those suggestions, I think it'll look a lot better.

 

[Blackadder]

As others have said, you shove in the word 'implied' way too much. It doesn't even make any sense. The voices directly state their intentions, and imply nothing. Fix that, as others have implied.

The story seems to be too angsty as well. Kind of annoyingly so. I get that things are probably not nearly as bad as Chris makes them out to be, but he's so ill that his perceptions is Nihilistic and dark all the time... but it still comes off as cliche. A character's suffering should be deep to make anyone really care. There needs to be contrasts, symbolism, implications and questions to make it interesting. it's really hard to do in a short story, yeah? A good example is a short story I read in class a week or two back. It was called "Ismini", and was only 6 or so pages long. 10 max. The title character becomes sympathetic because of her confusion. She doesn't really complain once. Not directly. Her sadness IS implied. it's like she's not even sure if she's depressed. The story avoids piling on the angst like that.


http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/AngstDissonance

^^ Can ya dig it?

Thirdly, the prose seems a little over-the-top. http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PurpleProse

I'm no good with general overviews like this, so that's sorta why I just focused on what bugged me most. Note that I'm also in no way a writing genius, so I could be wrong.

I liked the idea of "Sad" and "Happy" psych though. Oh, and remove the epilouge.

 

[Airgemini]

Thanks for all the advice guys! ^^
I switched the implied parts around and tried to use more adjectives to them. I also took out the epilogue but added something different.

Any suggestions?

 

[SkylerOcon]

Alright. There are three things that I think you should do as of now:

1) Completely remove the epolouge/ending/last section. It's unnecessary to the core story. Though it does show what happened to Chris after the event it just feels tacked on and added to give you a higher word count. I'd just remove it altogether.

2) The speaking lines like 'he said in a pessimistic tone' can be shortened. Try changing lines such as that too 'he said pessimisticly'.

3) The dialouge, as it is now, feels robotic. Try making the characters feel a bit more human. As they are now, they don't feel alive, so I can't really make an emotional connection with them -- thus lessening the impact of the story.

Try changing stuff like that around. You have an extra week now, so take advantage of it.