All right, my fellow writers: CK, EE and myself have finally finished our scores. For those that do not now, with the type of judging format we are using none of you will know the actual scores, only the rankings of the winners and any other exceptionally close placing individuals.
As for the critiques and comments, they are divided into four parts: adherence to prompt, tone, style and enjoyment. If you want to talk about your story, feel free to find me on AIM or send me a PM though I tried to be somewhat thorough on all of my critiques. Now, onto the rankings.
RANKINGS
1st - Vyse
2nd - SBMEffect
Since there were only 5 entrants, only the top two are shown. Though I would like to point out the other three entries differed amongst each other by only 1 point.
There were many others that were very close to reaching the Honorable Mentions spot, but were just a little too far away to merit their inclusion. So with that, onto the critiques. The stories are in order from top of the WWYP page to bottom. Also, CK and I may have very different opinions of stories: that's just the way things go. I think in general I am a little more strict in my judging than him, but I think that the final rankings are very fair.
Daydreams - SkylerOcon
Virg-
CK -The story of unrequited love is a common one, and I did like the twist you tried to put on it; however, you made a grave mistake in trying to keep the main character’s gender ambiguous. The clues there are too overt that Elliot is a girl, so I felt the lack of using gender identifiers came off as lazy rather than trying to add a nice twist. There is also a typo. You call Jasmine Jennifer at one point, which threw me off a bit.
Two things really hurt the story for me. First, the police would have told Elliot if the letters were for her. Reasoning? If people beat up a girl for going confess her love, it stands to reason that they’d hunt down the person she wanted as well, but Elliot coming to the conclusion that this was exactly what she planned to do, seemed erratic and confusing. Secondly, cut back on your usage of adjectives. Some sentences were nothing without all the adjectives you use and it comes off as lazy, amateurish, and not good overall.
The ending was ok, but came too fast. Suicide over a lost love would require a passionate note. Elliot would confess her feelings and basically say **** the world. Also, she would not “instantly” regret hanging herself. When a person is hanged, their neck snaps if they are heavy enough, or they begin to choke. Judging from the story, she would have choked first, and then regretted doing what she did. That order of things makes the story feel like you ignored how real humans react to make a point.
Good overall, but I think some revisions on the ending and a long, hard look at grammar would be important.
Unexpected - vyse
Virg-
CK -The story was actually pretty good because I can see it happening in real-life—a series of incidences that leads to an ultimate accident happens a lot. The character of Keith felt pliable, and realistic in a lot of his actions.
There were some comma and grammar issues, but I believe with a few drafts you can clean that up. Part of me was hoping for a twist to the ending such as him going to school and finding out that Brent was wrong and the website was an error, the test was delayed, or the teacher canceled the test, something to really drive home how ****ed over he was in the situation. Great story overall.
Reoccuring Events - SMBEffect
Virg -
CK -The story was very rewarding in the sense that by the end of it, I wanted to know what was going on, the pacing was well done, and the timing of revelation was great. There are plenty grammatical and comma issues, but that can be fixed with a few drafts.
My biggest issue was the ambiguity of the ending. I like tying in how the uncle killed the parents. It was a bit of a surprise, honestly, but I didn’t get the line “This was not the first time he has killed.” Alex wasn’t implied to be dead, at all. In fact, she was chained to a bed, which would imply she was alive. Secondly, the ending, in an attempt to be ambiguous, actually was more annoying. He would want to know more about what happened. He would ask about Liz and Alex repeatedly. Revise that a little, and fix the grammar issues, and the story is great.
Weilding the Double Edged Sword - Alphican
Virg -
CK -Nothing really happened in this story. The action was so restrained and restricted that I felt like I was reading a children’s story. The plot, tension, setting, and even the characterization were well done, but the execution failed. Do not cover a few days worth of stuff in one paragraph, and do not speed through any conversations. Grammar issues also really hurt this piece. A simple rewrite of focusing on grammar, formatting, and adding action could make this piece a lot more enjoyable.
The biggest focus, in my opinion, should be on the opening paragraph. I felt, by the end, that I knew what he was (a Christian with only a mom left), but not who he was. I had no sense that Matthew was anyone I should care about from this paragraph, and I should. John’s participation in the story was cursory, at best. Also, look into motivation. The motivation was there, just not enough to justify actions.
Finally, you have a fair understand of dialogue, which is good. I would expand upon dialogue by using more actions within the dialogue to create more showing instead of telling. This will reward the reader so much more.
Secret Sexuality – MarKO X
Virg -
CK -This story made me groan, laugh, and want to throw it away. Firstly, the title is awful if you are going to reveal that a person is gay. A reader shouldn’t be told the exact twist when they read the title. Secondly, BJ. Really? That was way too cliché and laughable for me. Finally, there were some horrible, horrible lines:
“Don’t be, I don’t bite… yet.” – I shook my head for this one.
“Do I have something white on my face?” – I hit my head on a desk, hard for this line. The guy is supposed to be a closeted homosexual and, somewhat, wanted to preserve that. This line was just not good, and when you repeat it, I contemplated suicide.
Another key issue – paragraph breaks for dialogue. This one part makes the story so less readable. The other part that does that is the perspective change. The story starts, for the most part, with BJ. Then shifts MID-PARAGRAPH to Lisa. Then shifts to Sam, then finally back to BJ/Sam. No. Don’t do that. Lisa and Shawna’s revelation that BJ was gay came out of nowhere, and they would have done it differently. Sam’s anger at BJ seemed misguided and poorly done. If he was really that disgusted with him being homosexual and in love with him, he would have kicked him out.
Honestly, I just did not enjoy this story. I found nothing that made me want to keep reading and nothing memorable in a good way. For a revision, first refocus the perspective. Pick a character and stick with him. Secondly, redo your dialogue from that character’s perspective. Sam is clearly the best choice for this, and at dinner, have him noticing Shawna and Lisa making eye contact whenever BJ does something that could be seen as homosexual. It needs a lot of work to be considered interesting, really.
So congratulations to Vyse! I think you are our first back-to-back winner...Also, he who must not be named sucks.
I hope to see all of you guys again in the next WWYP! And remember to...
WRITE WITH YOUR POWER!
As for the critiques and comments, they are divided into four parts: adherence to prompt, tone, style and enjoyment. If you want to talk about your story, feel free to find me on AIM or send me a PM though I tried to be somewhat thorough on all of my critiques. Now, onto the rankings.
RANKINGS
1st - Vyse
2nd - SBMEffect
Since there were only 5 entrants, only the top two are shown. Though I would like to point out the other three entries differed amongst each other by only 1 point.
There were many others that were very close to reaching the Honorable Mentions spot, but were just a little too far away to merit their inclusion. So with that, onto the critiques. The stories are in order from top of the WWYP page to bottom. Also, CK and I may have very different opinions of stories: that's just the way things go. I think in general I am a little more strict in my judging than him, but I think that the final rankings are very fair.
Daydreams - SkylerOcon
Virg-
Adherence to Prompt -Your story fit the prompt well. However, I somewhat imagined the incident that you wished you hadn't known to be something that at least could have been avoided, though that was just my own little opinion. If some one's best friend dies they are bound to find out, which I think leads less to the possibilites of "What if?".
Tone -The dream sequence in the pizza parlor seemed very forced, kind of like a page out of Blade Runner where suddenly there is a unicorn running along. I know you wanted to show the alternate reality that was fabricated inside his head, but it just didn't come off as real. I mean, we're all dreamers, but I think the constant drifting off and whatnot was a tad cliche by writing standards. Also, the mothers revealing to the son that Jude was dead was very lackluster. Try to imagine yourself in that situation: would you mother tell you your best friend is dead in a somewhat cold and monotonous way? Wouldn't she be crying or tell him to sit down first? Just a little realism goes a long way when trying to get empathy.
Style -You definitely branched off in this one, which I have to commend you for. While I stated earlier that the dream sequences and narration didn't really do a lot for me, it did get the point across that he was a boy in two very separate yet connected worlds. You have a little habit of over using adjectives to describe things ("The scalding water of an early-morning shower came down over my fair, pale skin" right of the bat). Go to the writer workshop thread that CK and Jam started and work out some of those kinks 
Enjoyment -I enjoyed it, though the ending was slightly disappointing, mainly due to the fact I wasn't very attached to the characters for the above reasons
EE -Adherence to Prompt -Well, someone finds something out that they’d have rather not known. But was it particularly intrinsic to the story? Not really. Nothing really jumps out that screams WWYP IX. Read Virg’s comments on this section in the main post. Would I think “Daydreams” were a part of this prompt’s genre, if it were a genre unto itself? No. I’d have it tossed in the Romantic pile, if anything at all. Your revelation itself just wasn’t a very interesting one. If Jude turned out to be heterosexual, now there’s a twist. If Jude died at the beginning of the story and Elliot found out she loved her at the end… now THERE’S a twist. But your twist as it is has been done before, and is placed so easily into the chronology that it suffers from the weaknesses of your entry in the other categories..
Tone -I’m not sure what your gender is, but I can appreciate how difficult it is to create three dimensional teenage characters, especially female ones. But as much as I can appreciate the struggle to do so, I can’t say you did so here. You fell into the easiest trapping when trying to create three dimensional teenagers… you took one thing and wrote them around that. Cute boys. Mark Twain. Etc. The end result is a bunch of cardboard prop-ups that create the illusion of three dimensionality but have no such thing.
The worst such case is your protagonist. I literally know NOTHING about her, except that she’s a lesbian, she has a secret love for a friend, and she likes her pizzas hand-tossed. How am I supposed to care for her? How am I supposed to care for her friend and would-be lover, someone I saw only in cliché dream sequences? Your story is mostly filler but for the daydreams, which do little to flesh out your protagonist, and as a result, when the bottom drops out, I’m left apathetic. There’s no real tonal shift, because I was never invested to begin with.
The worst such case is your protagonist. I literally know NOTHING about her, except that she’s a lesbian, she has a secret love for a friend, and she likes her pizzas hand-tossed. How am I supposed to care for her? How am I supposed to care for her friend and would-be lover, someone I saw only in cliché dream sequences? Your story is mostly filler but for the daydreams, which do little to flesh out your protagonist, and as a result, when the bottom drops out, I’m left apathetic. There’s no real tonal shift, because I was never invested to begin with.
Style -Mmph. You had a rather passive narrative in the very first line of your story. “My hand mechanically grabbed” yuck yuck. I had a problem with this when I was just reaching the hump of writerdom, as it were. A non-passive version of this would be “I grabbed at the shampoo mechanically,” or “I slapped around for the shampoo, lost in the misty sea of my shower.” And so on. Those aren’t terrific, but they are far more immersive, which is a big bonus in first person perspective. This may not specifically be passive voice, but it’s close enough to it that it tends to really take the reader out, and it’s also a lot more difficult to use skilfully, which leads to clunky sentence structure. Next time, write with your power, reread your story and look specifically for passive voice (or similar flaws) and try to re-evaluate whether it’s the best way to go about putting forth your desired image.
Speaking of clunkiness, you have a thing for adverbs. Incidentally, this is also something I had trouble with back in my day when I was knee-high to a grasshopper and… wait, adverbs, yeah. Sometimes they are just plain unnecessary. “I cursed loudly”. I don’t know, it stands out to me, and not in a good way. Few people curse quietly -- and when you do curse quietly, now that is usually something worth describing.
Some ambiguous tense issues. Redundancy (saying something, then saying it again in a different way). Note that there’s a difference between surgical repetition and redundancy. Grammar issues here and there.
You’ve got good instincts in writing, but you’re spending your time on the wrong areas. The idea of a dream girl evaporating from the grip of a longing protagonist is a good one. The extended image of chasing after physical representations of what snatches the dream girl away is unnecessary. Reality is what’s doing so, and that’s a far more tragic image.
I will offer you points for referring to kissing as an “intense battle”, though. And I’m not sure if it was deliberate, but I had assumed your protagonist was male at the start, and finding out it was a female one was pretty interesting.
Overall I got bounced out of the narrative a lot and had to force myself back into it, so I can’t award you high marks here. As a sidebar, if you were ever to write another story ending in someone hanging themself, you should definitely use that last line. It’s the best one in the story, and wasted on the rest of this, I think.
Speaking of clunkiness, you have a thing for adverbs. Incidentally, this is also something I had trouble with back in my day when I was knee-high to a grasshopper and… wait, adverbs, yeah. Sometimes they are just plain unnecessary. “I cursed loudly”. I don’t know, it stands out to me, and not in a good way. Few people curse quietly -- and when you do curse quietly, now that is usually something worth describing.
Some ambiguous tense issues. Redundancy (saying something, then saying it again in a different way). Note that there’s a difference between surgical repetition and redundancy. Grammar issues here and there.
You’ve got good instincts in writing, but you’re spending your time on the wrong areas. The idea of a dream girl evaporating from the grip of a longing protagonist is a good one. The extended image of chasing after physical representations of what snatches the dream girl away is unnecessary. Reality is what’s doing so, and that’s a far more tragic image.
I will offer you points for referring to kissing as an “intense battle”, though. And I’m not sure if it was deliberate, but I had assumed your protagonist was male at the start, and finding out it was a female one was pretty interesting.
Overall I got bounced out of the narrative a lot and had to force myself back into it, so I can’t award you high marks here. As a sidebar, if you were ever to write another story ending in someone hanging themself, you should definitely use that last line. It’s the best one in the story, and wasted on the rest of this, I think.
Enjoyment -I’m not going to lie, I went through this one massaging my temples. There’s nothing new to be found here, and at the end of the day, stories of romantic longing and adolescent angst need a lot of oomph to impress me. This was decidedly average. And average, in this genre, is subpar.
CK -The story of unrequited love is a common one, and I did like the twist you tried to put on it; however, you made a grave mistake in trying to keep the main character’s gender ambiguous. The clues there are too overt that Elliot is a girl, so I felt the lack of using gender identifiers came off as lazy rather than trying to add a nice twist. There is also a typo. You call Jasmine Jennifer at one point, which threw me off a bit.
Two things really hurt the story for me. First, the police would have told Elliot if the letters were for her. Reasoning? If people beat up a girl for going confess her love, it stands to reason that they’d hunt down the person she wanted as well, but Elliot coming to the conclusion that this was exactly what she planned to do, seemed erratic and confusing. Secondly, cut back on your usage of adjectives. Some sentences were nothing without all the adjectives you use and it comes off as lazy, amateurish, and not good overall.
The ending was ok, but came too fast. Suicide over a lost love would require a passionate note. Elliot would confess her feelings and basically say **** the world. Also, she would not “instantly” regret hanging herself. When a person is hanged, their neck snaps if they are heavy enough, or they begin to choke. Judging from the story, she would have choked first, and then regretted doing what she did. That order of things makes the story feel like you ignored how real humans react to make a point.
Good overall, but I think some revisions on the ending and a long, hard look at grammar would be important.
Unexpected - vyse
Virg-
Adherence to Prompt -Well, it definitely did fit the bill, though I was hoping for something a little more philosophical. Oh well, that's just me and I can't take off for that.
Tone -At some points you had the tone nailed down...and others you let it slip away. Most of the narrators plights seemed a little, not necessarily unrealistic, but more of a slightly off kilter image of what I'd expect. Being a younger sibling I know how an older sibling acts when they don't want you around (for the most part), and that sibling dynamic just didn't seem there. Yeah, he blew him off and got upset, but little brothers really whine, and if he were really doing something important it would really get on his nerves. Even the panic at starting the fire seemed a little less than required; just a couple of "****"s. And please, never, ever ever reveal the prompt in the last sentence. It makes me facepalm.
Style -You have a good style: you rely on action to show us what is going on, which cuts the reader straight into the story. Just have to work on what it is you're bringing them into.
Enjoyment -I liked it, but it wasn't nearly your best story. The unnecessary "reveal" at the end left me on a sour note and I didn't really get dragged into it as much as the last entry of yours. Can't win em all.
EE -Adherence to Prompt -This is probably the most original take someone could or would offer on this prompt. It’s hilarious, it’s relatable, it’s believable. It makes just about anyone who’s ever been a pupil of some sort look back on, at the time, painful memories and laugh. And then you went and did that last bit…. Oahghhghghggh. I believe it was Matt that said you have a point of whipping out a shovel and slamming it into the face of your readers at the very end. And lo and behold… it was almost like you just copied and pasted a segment of the prompt topic! I was floored, as I was almost fully immersed in the relatably chaotic situation you had put forth up to that point, and it really yanked me out of the story. You had the revelation tied and locked into your story nicely with no contrivance, the revelation was a clever one, but to put it bluntly, your remorseful moments could have been done much better and less obviously. As such you are left with 2/3, or 66%, but I’m in a good mood, and I was genuinely impressed up to that point.
Tone -“Two mops of sandy blond hair following me”. Like a couple of mindless slaves. I’m a big fan of your protagonist’s dry sarcasm, and it’s by far one of the best aspects of your story. Your protagonist is a fair and typical representation of your average college student, with stresses from all aspects of life clothes lining them from every direction and the desire for independence outweighed by the difficulty in achieving as much. However, this latter point completely disappeared later on in the story. And I think it would have added a much-needed wink to the whole package if Brent and Nathan weren’t seen as the annoyances they are. Make no mistake, your protagonist’s irritation at them contributes greatly to your world, here, but this would contrast much better with reality if they weren’t, well, exactly as annoying as he thinks they are. If they were as most small children are -- ignorant, for sure, but not malicious obstacles to one’s daily life. Also, Liam came off as plot device… despite your best efforts. I would say either add more meat to give him a personality through, I admit, an impersonal communication form, or erase all effort that you tried to do so. Something can’t be seen as a weak aspect of your piece if you never attempted to do it.
Style -You know, there was always one thing about your style that would kick me out of your stories on occasion, even as you got better at writing over the years. Every few paragraphs, there’s a sentence with a word tacked on near the end that just plain doesn’t need to be there. It’s like you took the most incremental step over the line between tastefully verbose and excessively wordy. “Shoebox SIZED room”, for example. Well, shoebox implies a size in itself. Don’t just check for grammar on the re-reads, look for unnecessary clunk and slay the beast. Send it to the ninth circle of writing hell.
Your other issue is, luckily, far less common. Every now and then there’s a sentence or section that just plain doesn’t work. Everything about it, from its structure to its flow, is just too abrasive and unpolished. …okay, I just tried to paste the first line in the story of such nature, but apparently Microsoft Works Word Processor is just a terrible program and won’t let me >_>. It’s the second line in the story, however, and I don’t think I need to tell you anymore about what’s wrong with it. Lines like that have neon signs surrounding them that sparkle the word “REVISE” no matter who’s reading them, be it you or a prospective agent. Rereading is key. If you’ve found lines like these and just can’t think of how to fix them, maybe they need to be separated into multiple lines, split up, or nixed altogether. It’s playing around with what doesn’t work in writing that teaches you what does.
With that said, I like the wry nature of your narrative (as covered earlier). However, the presentation of as much has some ironing needed yet. In this story I’d have played more with metaphor, with the way your protagonist is ever so imprisoned. This is an entrapment that, in our generation, is harder to overcome than any generations prior, and you just missed the chance to really give that a spotlight.
Sidebar: I also liked the prominence of computer-based communication. It was vaguely gimmicky, but it’s something the world of literature has been awfully slow to acknowledge. One other thing: I really didn’t need Liam to point out the issue inherent in the narrator’s plight. In fact it distracted me from my own relation to similar events in my own life. Give your readers some credit. They can recognize one number from another
The odd typo or grammar error, also.
Your other issue is, luckily, far less common. Every now and then there’s a sentence or section that just plain doesn’t work. Everything about it, from its structure to its flow, is just too abrasive and unpolished. …okay, I just tried to paste the first line in the story of such nature, but apparently Microsoft Works Word Processor is just a terrible program and won’t let me >_>. It’s the second line in the story, however, and I don’t think I need to tell you anymore about what’s wrong with it. Lines like that have neon signs surrounding them that sparkle the word “REVISE” no matter who’s reading them, be it you or a prospective agent. Rereading is key. If you’ve found lines like these and just can’t think of how to fix them, maybe they need to be separated into multiple lines, split up, or nixed altogether. It’s playing around with what doesn’t work in writing that teaches you what does.
With that said, I like the wry nature of your narrative (as covered earlier). However, the presentation of as much has some ironing needed yet. In this story I’d have played more with metaphor, with the way your protagonist is ever so imprisoned. This is an entrapment that, in our generation, is harder to overcome than any generations prior, and you just missed the chance to really give that a spotlight.
Sidebar: I also liked the prominence of computer-based communication. It was vaguely gimmicky, but it’s something the world of literature has been awfully slow to acknowledge. One other thing: I really didn’t need Liam to point out the issue inherent in the narrator’s plight. In fact it distracted me from my own relation to similar events in my own life. Give your readers some credit. They can recognize one number from another
The odd typo or grammar error, also.
Enjoyment -I enjoyed it until near the end. It would have been best if everything felt like complete chaos the moment we found out he had studied the wrong material. If it just kept unravelling like a sweater you spent too much time yanking. It’s the kind of story that, with some tweaks, could be the kind that you laugh with, not at, because most of us have been in a situation that, to quote Ebert, “May not have been so severe, but most certainly felt that way.” Also, for reasons outlined in AtP, the last section really devoured the knowing smile I’d attained thus far and ended things on a sour note.
CK -The story was actually pretty good because I can see it happening in real-life—a series of incidences that leads to an ultimate accident happens a lot. The character of Keith felt pliable, and realistic in a lot of his actions.
There were some comma and grammar issues, but I believe with a few drafts you can clean that up. Part of me was hoping for a twist to the ending such as him going to school and finding out that Brent was wrong and the website was an error, the test was delayed, or the teacher canceled the test, something to really drive home how ****ed over he was in the situation. Great story overall.
Reoccuring Events - SMBEffect
Virg -
Adherence to Prompt -Well he definitely didn't know.
Tone -The tone just seemed a little too far stretched. Yes, I could see the connection between the boy and the girl and what the uncle had done, but a lot of it was in dialogue, which, for something as dire and emotional as this, isn't very suiting. Instead of having some one stutter by saying "I-I-I don't know what happened" or the like, tell us that they are choking on their realization of what happened, that their jaw shook, but didn't move. You tried at a couple of points ("My body started shaking like the temperature had dropped hundreds of degrees within seconds") but it just felt, as I said before, too thin. yes, it shows you were cold, but it doesn't drive the point home. It just barely covers it.
Style -You have a very quick and terse style, but I don't know if it suits this type of story. Yes, it echoes the narrators original apathy towards his parents death and the sentences get longer as you matriculate along, but for the type of story (namely, emotional roller coaster), I need more than a few quick lines to get me reeled in. Of course, a balance needs to be involved, and sometimes a very quick line like "Like a mother." works all right, but I need more substance than that.
Enjoyment -The story got a little out of reach for me towards the end. It's a short story, not a novel: you don't have to have loose ends and have them all wrapped up in a bundle for the reader at the end. He could have just learned his uncle had the girl, or that he killed his parents. But both along with a revelation by the weary aunt at the end just doesn't float my metaphorical boat. And please, don't end a story on a rhetorical question. the reader knows what you are getting at if you wrote the story well: no need to spell it all out in the end.
EE -Adherence to Prompt -Lowest marks here. You satisfy some of the more basic requirements. Your protagonist longs for answers and pursues them. He expresses a remorseful longing for a time when things were simpler in making less sense. These mysteries pervade his life and inform his personality. But the mysteries themselves are just… bad. Bad, bad, bad. They have no logic of their own, they’ve got no legs to stand on. They dwell in a parallel universe where things like complex personal motivation don’t exist. See my comments on Uncle Mike in the “Tone” section for a full breakdown.
Tone -Your protagonist is, for the most part, fairly three dimensional. He longs for a protector, but shies away from them, as they remind him too much of his deficiencies in as much. As such, his longings manifest themselves in a paternalistic and compassionate manner that, in some ways, is more for himself than for those he comforts. Aunt Elise is likeable enough.
Everywhere else, I’m not too fond. We only see Alex once, chained to a bed. Why am I supposed to care about her? If her obsession with dating (wherever she could get it, be it online or in bars) had been outlined through, I don’t know, an actual presence in the story… then I might have cared. Might have felt what your protagonist did. Liz, although an actual character in the story, is cardboard. She pops up here. She pops up there. She pops up one final time. She shows emotion, but they aren’t refracted through any sense of a personality or humanity.
Lastly, I’m not going to pussyfoot around it either, Uncle Mike is just badly written, and from the get-go. First he’s the drunk, pisspoor excuse for a guardian. Cliché cliché cliché. Then he’s a serial killer. Or, uh, an online predator? Serial rapist? S&M fetishist? Incestual revenge killer? You know what, I have no idea what the hell he is. But it’s clear that you just wove together as many random sordid acts as you could with no rhyme or reason.
Even bad people make a certain kind of sense. Why did he kill his sister(in-law?) and brother(in-law?) Hmm? There’s no explanation and no logic. If it was some kind of personal issue, he’d have likely killed them and no one else. And the way he killed them, I might add, would require the most inept detectives the world over to not catch him. But okay, fine. For some unexplained reason, he kills them. Why is he suddenly an online predator? Hmm? No explanation here either. How do Alex AND Liz end up at his **** house in the same night? No explanation here. And you know what, the gargantuan level of absurd coincidence is starting to really kill this story around this point. Why does the Uncle who randomly murdered his nephews parents suddenly become a sex killer, and how in the hell does he manage to randomly, with all the women on the world wide web, find a friend of the SAME NEPHEW? Especially when online dating services would not allow Alex, a minor, to join, meaning he somehow just found her through backdoor channels, something even more exasperatingly unlikely.
Have you heard of Deus Ex Machina? Where an object of God (or in the case of writing, the writer) appears to magically save the day or alter it in the fashion of the same God (or writer)’s intentions, where no logic existed to push things as such. For example, the abrupt appearance of the Navy in William Golding’s Lord of the Flies. Well, Uncle Mike is exactly that, in the reverse. He exists only as a sadistic plot device with absolutely zero depth, meant to commit whatever atrocities you needed committed to move your plot forward.
If you’re having trouble creating a secondary character with depth (assuming you are attempting to do so, and I suspect no thought was given as far as Uncle Mike is concerned), I have a technique of my own that works wonders. Think of that character. Think of their life, their story. How was their childhood? School days? College, career? How has life treated them, and how do they cope with the cards they were dealt? Then think about the specific timeframe of the story you are writing. Think about how you would write the story from their point of view. What are their thoughts and emotions at each event? How do these inform their actions in the future?
Well-defined characters should be able to take on a life of their own, and even sway the plot itself. If the story couldn’t stand on any one characters’ shoulders, it can’t stand at al.
Everywhere else, I’m not too fond. We only see Alex once, chained to a bed. Why am I supposed to care about her? If her obsession with dating (wherever she could get it, be it online or in bars) had been outlined through, I don’t know, an actual presence in the story… then I might have cared. Might have felt what your protagonist did. Liz, although an actual character in the story, is cardboard. She pops up here. She pops up there. She pops up one final time. She shows emotion, but they aren’t refracted through any sense of a personality or humanity.
Lastly, I’m not going to pussyfoot around it either, Uncle Mike is just badly written, and from the get-go. First he’s the drunk, pisspoor excuse for a guardian. Cliché cliché cliché. Then he’s a serial killer. Or, uh, an online predator? Serial rapist? S&M fetishist? Incestual revenge killer? You know what, I have no idea what the hell he is. But it’s clear that you just wove together as many random sordid acts as you could with no rhyme or reason.
Even bad people make a certain kind of sense. Why did he kill his sister(in-law?) and brother(in-law?) Hmm? There’s no explanation and no logic. If it was some kind of personal issue, he’d have likely killed them and no one else. And the way he killed them, I might add, would require the most inept detectives the world over to not catch him. But okay, fine. For some unexplained reason, he kills them. Why is he suddenly an online predator? Hmm? No explanation here either. How do Alex AND Liz end up at his **** house in the same night? No explanation here. And you know what, the gargantuan level of absurd coincidence is starting to really kill this story around this point. Why does the Uncle who randomly murdered his nephews parents suddenly become a sex killer, and how in the hell does he manage to randomly, with all the women on the world wide web, find a friend of the SAME NEPHEW? Especially when online dating services would not allow Alex, a minor, to join, meaning he somehow just found her through backdoor channels, something even more exasperatingly unlikely.
Have you heard of Deus Ex Machina? Where an object of God (or in the case of writing, the writer) appears to magically save the day or alter it in the fashion of the same God (or writer)’s intentions, where no logic existed to push things as such. For example, the abrupt appearance of the Navy in William Golding’s Lord of the Flies. Well, Uncle Mike is exactly that, in the reverse. He exists only as a sadistic plot device with absolutely zero depth, meant to commit whatever atrocities you needed committed to move your plot forward.
If you’re having trouble creating a secondary character with depth (assuming you are attempting to do so, and I suspect no thought was given as far as Uncle Mike is concerned), I have a technique of my own that works wonders. Think of that character. Think of their life, their story. How was their childhood? School days? College, career? How has life treated them, and how do they cope with the cards they were dealt? Then think about the specific timeframe of the story you are writing. Think about how you would write the story from their point of view. What are their thoughts and emotions at each event? How do these inform their actions in the future?
Well-defined characters should be able to take on a life of their own, and even sway the plot itself. If the story couldn’t stand on any one characters’ shoulders, it can’t stand at al.
Style -This is decent writing. “They died. Whatever.” Lines like this drew me right into it, as well as the constant sense of mystery to this tortuous, but not unbelievable, life. You have a knack for revealing just enough detail to get the reader interested, but not enough to blow your load too early, instead revealing what they’re waiting for later -- but not before you’ve introduced a new hook.
Although your story could use a little more metaphor and such to take it past the basics, you show promise with ironic similes like comparing your orphan protagonist to a mother bear protecting her cub.
On the flipside (when’s the last time you heard that saying?), you have a tendency to choke your reader with adjectives and adverbs. Protip: Two of them right next to each other rarely sounds good. This is incredibly visible clunk that should be easy enough to find just by re-reading your story. Also, you do some weird things with prepositions, sometimes. “I realized I was clutching onto my pillow.” Lines like that jump out to the point I feel like I’m reading an English work by a writer with a different primary language. Lucky you, this is another flaw that will disappear if you start re-reading your works and looking for unusual lines. “I put my hand over her head and brushed her hair with my hand.” Another example of a bad line you could root out easily with re-reading. What’s wrong with “I put my hand over her head and brushed her hair out of her eyes.”? I mean, what else is he going to do the brushing with? His genitals?
Lastly, the strangest flaw in your writing lies in some of your descriptions. You perform basic description, but put it forth like a metaphor or a simile. “Her eyes looked like white spheres.” “I must have looked emotionless.” Lines like this are irksome because the set-up promises something more than flat observation on the part of the narrator. Experiment more in you future writing. Jazz it up with some images, metaphor, symbolism, all that good stuff. Or, at the very least, don’t treat basic description like more than it is.
Although your story could use a little more metaphor and such to take it past the basics, you show promise with ironic similes like comparing your orphan protagonist to a mother bear protecting her cub.
On the flipside (when’s the last time you heard that saying?), you have a tendency to choke your reader with adjectives and adverbs. Protip: Two of them right next to each other rarely sounds good. This is incredibly visible clunk that should be easy enough to find just by re-reading your story. Also, you do some weird things with prepositions, sometimes. “I realized I was clutching onto my pillow.” Lines like that jump out to the point I feel like I’m reading an English work by a writer with a different primary language. Lucky you, this is another flaw that will disappear if you start re-reading your works and looking for unusual lines. “I put my hand over her head and brushed her hair with my hand.” Another example of a bad line you could root out easily with re-reading. What’s wrong with “I put my hand over her head and brushed her hair out of her eyes.”? I mean, what else is he going to do the brushing with? His genitals?
Lastly, the strangest flaw in your writing lies in some of your descriptions. You perform basic description, but put it forth like a metaphor or a simile. “Her eyes looked like white spheres.” “I must have looked emotionless.” Lines like this are irksome because the set-up promises something more than flat observation on the part of the narrator. Experiment more in you future writing. Jazz it up with some images, metaphor, symbolism, all that good stuff. Or, at the very least, don’t treat basic description like more than it is.
Enjoyment -I did and I didn’t. My positive comments aforementioned reflect that I enjoyed some things in this story, but the very foundation of it is so contrived that it made the story impossible to enjoy. I have no problem with a “weird” story. I have every problem with a story that is logically bankrupt.
CK -The story was very rewarding in the sense that by the end of it, I wanted to know what was going on, the pacing was well done, and the timing of revelation was great. There are plenty grammatical and comma issues, but that can be fixed with a few drafts.
My biggest issue was the ambiguity of the ending. I like tying in how the uncle killed the parents. It was a bit of a surprise, honestly, but I didn’t get the line “This was not the first time he has killed.” Alex wasn’t implied to be dead, at all. In fact, she was chained to a bed, which would imply she was alive. Secondly, the ending, in an attempt to be ambiguous, actually was more annoying. He would want to know more about what happened. He would ask about Liz and Alex repeatedly. Revise that a little, and fix the grammar issues, and the story is great.
Weilding the Double Edged Sword - Alphican
Virg -
Adherence to Prompt -I think you nailed it: it didn't have to be some one dying or the like. Just something that may have granted peace through ignorance.
Tone -I liked the tone. Sometimes Matthew was given quite the insight for a 6th grader, which made the story feel slightly out of place. Also, on a side note, no 6th grader studies aerodynamics: I'm an aerospace engineering major and I am taking aerodynamics as we speak.But other than his overly mature mind, the story hit the niche it was looking for. Also, Jonathan is depicted as having the civility of a college student...yet he's in sixth grade. I mean, really.
Style -You really only talked about what needed to be said or shown. A few of the little conversations with the girls seemed a little too cute and bubbly (if that makes sense. I hope it does), but other than that it was pretty good.
Enjoyment -I liked this story a good deal. It had it's flaws in the characters portrayal, but character isn't the entire story. Good job.
EE -Adherence to Prompt - Your protagonist doesn’t learn anything they’d have rather not known. After all, modern scientific theories are taught in even in your average Catholic school (though the word “theory” has extra emphasis). There’s no remorse, really. We’re left at the point where remorse might begin to form. Your actual revelation (if I can call it that) is an interesting and valid one in today’s society, but rather underwhelming. However, at least it is deeply entwined in the world of the story.
Tone -I’m not sure what to say. Although the militaristic characteristic of the Catholic school is interesting, as is the permission-based home life. But these things never really expand to any kind of payoff, and as such are nothing more than implicit observations.
Your characters had the foundations to be truly fascinating -- the young faithful, the respectful atheist, the stiff but not cruel mother. The abundance of religion, everywhere. But your characters are painted in a stiff and unlively manner. The dialogue is also a mess. The boy’s mother is a little bit of Martha Stewart and a little bit of Sarah Palin. The boy himself offers no real revelations into the awkward phase when we begin to form our own independent beliefs, and the kind atheist might as well have been Tyler Durden, because it feels like he manifests solely to inject our protagonist with doubt, instead of as an independent human being that just happens to cause personal turmoil.
On the dialogue, I have a solution that works wonders. Get a tiny notebook and a pen and pad. Then start listening to people’s conversations, and jotting down things they say. Study how they say things. Certain people express ideas in certain ways. Writing may be an art, but that doesn’t mean there’s no science to it.
Your characters had the foundations to be truly fascinating -- the young faithful, the respectful atheist, the stiff but not cruel mother. The abundance of religion, everywhere. But your characters are painted in a stiff and unlively manner. The dialogue is also a mess. The boy’s mother is a little bit of Martha Stewart and a little bit of Sarah Palin. The boy himself offers no real revelations into the awkward phase when we begin to form our own independent beliefs, and the kind atheist might as well have been Tyler Durden, because it feels like he manifests solely to inject our protagonist with doubt, instead of as an independent human being that just happens to cause personal turmoil.
On the dialogue, I have a solution that works wonders. Get a tiny notebook and a pen and pad. Then start listening to people’s conversations, and jotting down things they say. Study how they say things. Certain people express ideas in certain ways. Writing may be an art, but that doesn’t mean there’s no science to it.
Style -You’ve got a good kit for writing, and I look forward to seeing more pieces from you. Your style may be a bit wet behind the ears, but you can fill a canvass with imagery, and it is pleasant to read. The best writing to be found in your piece, by far, is in setting description.
However, you have very common spelling and grammatical errors that are easy to catch in even just one re-read. Also, there are a few confusing tendencies yielded to in your work. Matthew’s mother is known only as his mother, then referred to as “Charlene” later on with no warning. Also, try to be cautious about how you use abbreviations -- gr. 6 doesn’t flow all that well, if you ask me, abbreviations that stark and apparent belong in textbooks. Even ones like “TV” are a bit iffy, though that varies on a case-by-case basis and the decision there ultimately lies with the writer. I was tossed out of the story, trying to piece together where he was and to whom he was speaking. A good piece will keep the reading going through the story without any unnecessary speed bumps.
A few more speed bumps… sometimes your verbosity gets to be a bit much. “God was the creator of all creation.” Uhm. Okay. “Sleepless wake”? Well, I don’t spend a lot of time sleeping while awake. When you re-read a work, see if any things in a sentence or line say the same thing twice. Redundancy is a difficult issue to defeat in writing, because it’s so easy to do, regardless of your skill level.
Don’t’ think I’m discouraging you from playing with that vocabulary, though. Sometimes it can add up to delicious writing. “A 15 minute recess was issued”. I just love how militaristic this Catholic school comes off, how rigid and rationed every little thing is. This is what we writers call a social observation and it’s, you know, the point of writing. So you’re definitely on the right track.
However, you have very common spelling and grammatical errors that are easy to catch in even just one re-read. Also, there are a few confusing tendencies yielded to in your work. Matthew’s mother is known only as his mother, then referred to as “Charlene” later on with no warning. Also, try to be cautious about how you use abbreviations -- gr. 6 doesn’t flow all that well, if you ask me, abbreviations that stark and apparent belong in textbooks. Even ones like “TV” are a bit iffy, though that varies on a case-by-case basis and the decision there ultimately lies with the writer. I was tossed out of the story, trying to piece together where he was and to whom he was speaking. A good piece will keep the reading going through the story without any unnecessary speed bumps.
A few more speed bumps… sometimes your verbosity gets to be a bit much. “God was the creator of all creation.” Uhm. Okay. “Sleepless wake”? Well, I don’t spend a lot of time sleeping while awake. When you re-read a work, see if any things in a sentence or line say the same thing twice. Redundancy is a difficult issue to defeat in writing, because it’s so easy to do, regardless of your skill level.
Don’t’ think I’m discouraging you from playing with that vocabulary, though. Sometimes it can add up to delicious writing. “A 15 minute recess was issued”. I just love how militaristic this Catholic school comes off, how rigid and rationed every little thing is. This is what we writers call a social observation and it’s, you know, the point of writing. So you’re definitely on the right track.
Enjoyment -It’s a nice little story that could have been a lot more. Overall, it’s just a bit too underwhelming to leave any real lasting impression. I give you another half point for having the second-most realistic (and by that, I mean the other realistic) take on the prompt.
CK -Nothing really happened in this story. The action was so restrained and restricted that I felt like I was reading a children’s story. The plot, tension, setting, and even the characterization were well done, but the execution failed. Do not cover a few days worth of stuff in one paragraph, and do not speed through any conversations. Grammar issues also really hurt this piece. A simple rewrite of focusing on grammar, formatting, and adding action could make this piece a lot more enjoyable.
The biggest focus, in my opinion, should be on the opening paragraph. I felt, by the end, that I knew what he was (a Christian with only a mom left), but not who he was. I had no sense that Matthew was anyone I should care about from this paragraph, and I should. John’s participation in the story was cursory, at best. Also, look into motivation. The motivation was there, just not enough to justify actions.
Finally, you have a fair understand of dialogue, which is good. I would expand upon dialogue by using more actions within the dialogue to create more showing instead of telling. This will reward the reader so much more.
Secret Sexuality – MarKO X
Virg -
Adherence to Prompt -Hmmm. Well, he obviously didn't want to know that.
Tone -I was never a fan of the tone. It started off with just an explanation of who the two guys were, which in and of itself isn't necessarily bad, but it just completely breaks the rhythm. You can tell us that they were the Lenny and George (from Of Mice and Men) in little snippets as they go to the girls house or as they go to dinner. there is no rule of writing that says you have to say "All right, this is the character right here" in the first paragraph. Also, the confrontation between the two of them seemed very unbelievable. Having had had friends get in arguments about almost the exact same things, I assure you that most people don't randomly express their pent up feelings of sexual attraction towards a bigot once confronted. Just doesn't really happen.
Style -Your actual writing isn't bad, but you need to work on how you unveil things to the reader. BJ? "Something white on your face"? Isn't he supposed to be the somewhat shy and timid closet homosexual? You shouldn't have to rely on having to take a paragraph off and point things out to the reader if your story is well written.
Enjoyment -The pace and lack of realistic conflict between the two roommates made it a bit of a chore to get through, but that is expected your first time through. Keep writing and things will smooth out.
EE -Adherence to Prompt -A revelation that turns something major (a longterm friendship) upside-down. Remorse. It could have been woven into the story better, though, and the ending came off too bitter and emotionless to have any kind of impact. This is a pretty big deal, here, and it deserved a little more sincerity.
Tone -Decent characters with dialogue that actually fits them. However, the girls remain a tad bit flat, and BJ and Sam aren’t much better, considering that definitive sexualities are pretty much as deep as they get. The “something white” thing is a bit absurd, as is the idea of a girl going on a date with a guy that’s gay and then complaining about it. Sam is a gigantic a-hole, but not in the delicious fashion afforded to writers. He’s just a “lightswitch jerk”, on and off at a moment’s notice. It’s not developed.
Plus, the title ruining the twist doesn’t help anything. Oh. And your gay character’s name is BJ.
There’s something said for subtlety. If nothing else, I hope this critique teaches you how to spell it.
Plus, the title ruining the twist doesn’t help anything. Oh. And your gay character’s name is BJ.
There’s something said for subtlety. If nothing else, I hope this critique teaches you how to spell it.
Style -Are you writing a police report, or a story? I swear to God, there are more descriptive details of clothing and appearance than there are of emotion in this story.
What’s baffling about this is that your actual development of prose suggests technical skill. But you’ve got to learn what a crucial detail is. How someone’s clothing compares to someone else’s clothing is not a crucial detail. How this makes those observing the ladies in these clothing is. Precisely how tall someone is is not a crucial detail. How this affects his or her life is. Etc etc ad nauseum. Think about the things that are really affecting the world you’ve created and the characters that inhabit it, and take the highlights.
What’s baffling about this is that your actual development of prose suggests technical skill. But you’ve got to learn what a crucial detail is. How someone’s clothing compares to someone else’s clothing is not a crucial detail. How this makes those observing the ladies in these clothing is. Precisely how tall someone is is not a crucial detail. How this affects his or her life is. Etc etc ad nauseum. Think about the things that are really affecting the world you’ve created and the characters that inhabit it, and take the highlights.
Enjoyment -Written well enough, I suppose, but it has zero emotional charge to it, despite a subject matter rife with possibilities. The ending, as with most stories in this contest, was weak. And to make it worse, it made even less use of the opportunities afforded by the subject matter than the rest of the story, a feat indeed.
Overall, it left a sour taste in my mouth. Pun intended.
Overall, it left a sour taste in my mouth. Pun intended.
CK -This story made me groan, laugh, and want to throw it away. Firstly, the title is awful if you are going to reveal that a person is gay. A reader shouldn’t be told the exact twist when they read the title. Secondly, BJ. Really? That was way too cliché and laughable for me. Finally, there were some horrible, horrible lines:
“Don’t be, I don’t bite… yet.” – I shook my head for this one.
“Do I have something white on my face?” – I hit my head on a desk, hard for this line. The guy is supposed to be a closeted homosexual and, somewhat, wanted to preserve that. This line was just not good, and when you repeat it, I contemplated suicide.
Another key issue – paragraph breaks for dialogue. This one part makes the story so less readable. The other part that does that is the perspective change. The story starts, for the most part, with BJ. Then shifts MID-PARAGRAPH to Lisa. Then shifts to Sam, then finally back to BJ/Sam. No. Don’t do that. Lisa and Shawna’s revelation that BJ was gay came out of nowhere, and they would have done it differently. Sam’s anger at BJ seemed misguided and poorly done. If he was really that disgusted with him being homosexual and in love with him, he would have kicked him out.
Honestly, I just did not enjoy this story. I found nothing that made me want to keep reading and nothing memorable in a good way. For a revision, first refocus the perspective. Pick a character and stick with him. Secondly, redo your dialogue from that character’s perspective. Sam is clearly the best choice for this, and at dinner, have him noticing Shawna and Lisa making eye contact whenever BJ does something that could be seen as homosexual. It needs a lot of work to be considered interesting, really.
So congratulations to Vyse! I think you are our first back-to-back winner...Also, he who must not be named sucks.
I hope to see all of you guys again in the next WWYP! And remember to...
WRITE WITH YOUR POWER!
