Link to original post: [drupal=4140]What people think of me[/drupal]
I try not to be a depressive, pessimistic jerk, but I guess I come off that way to people. I also try to not be an attention seeking person on the internet, and this usually and always leads to a conflict for myself. The two may not seem related at first, but for me, they actually are. I always convince myself not to speak my mind on here, and I suppose I just want this blog to do just that. I'll say that I'm not trying to attract attention with this blog, but I understand by saying so I am attracting attention. It's complicated but that's what I think people think when they see something like this. That's how I think anyway.
As long as I remember, I've always been quiet. I have later come to find out that people don't actually see me as the typical loner, but as a mean person. When someone told me that in grade school, I didn't believe it. ME? Mean? I was the furthest thing from mean. But yet, that's how people thought I was. Perhaps people still think that. I think it's around that time that I started really caring what people thought of me. Any compliment thrown my way would boost my ego to incredible levels. I distinctly remember one time on the bus, where we had a substitute bus driver. Me and this girl were the only ones left on the bus, as I was the second to last stop. The sub asked me where my stop was, and all I could say was "Ummmmmmm." The girl immediately butted in and told the sub where it was. I was thankful that she did, I guess because I don't really like talking to people, even though I know it's illogical. Not the point though. I knew the girl a little bit, she was in my class and anyway, she was one of the people that knew I wasn't really mean, just shy. I was sitting in the back and the girl was in the front seat. The sub says to her, "He's so shy." I don't know if they thought I wasn't there or what. The girl responded by saying "He's really nice. But he's soooo quiet..."
I felt pretty bad after that. Looking back it wasn't that strong of a statement. I take things like that extremely seriously, though. Some days when I feel particularly upset, a nasty look in my direction, or a hostile movement, anonymous shove in the hall, anything, ruins my day. I'm not talking in a bullying kind of way. It's stuff that I should be able to brush off and ignore. Somewhere along the path of trying to mold myself into a person that I'm not, I realized that I just can't do it. I simply can not go to school the next day and start being nice or start being approachable. I realized that maybe this is just the way I am, and oh well. So instead of trying to fix myself to remedy what people think of me, I just feel like **** afterwards and think man oh man, why am I like this.
It's the same the other way, too. Some days I feel great to begin with. Not tired, nothing really. A ****ing smile from someone will make me feel like the king of the world. I look around and think about how great everything is, and reflect on when I'm sad, and how dumb I am in those situations. "I can't believe you thought that! Everything's great! Weird stuff!" That's pretty much my though process those days. Occasionally my ego becomes so bloated that I actually think I'm better than everyone else, lol. I know I'm not though, even when I'm thinking that. It's kind of like knowing you're doing something dumb, but you still feel guiltless because it's funny, or whatever.
So I'm not sure. This isn't normal, it can't be. Do people think like that? Do people actually care to a great extent what people care about them? It seems to me that the great majority of people don't care. If they do, they do a good job of hiding it from me. I wouldn't know though, I don't know what people besides me think.
I try not to be a depressive, pessimistic jerk, but I guess I come off that way to people. I also try to not be an attention seeking person on the internet, and this usually and always leads to a conflict for myself. The two may not seem related at first, but for me, they actually are. I always convince myself not to speak my mind on here, and I suppose I just want this blog to do just that. I'll say that I'm not trying to attract attention with this blog, but I understand by saying so I am attracting attention. It's complicated but that's what I think people think when they see something like this. That's how I think anyway.
As long as I remember, I've always been quiet. I have later come to find out that people don't actually see me as the typical loner, but as a mean person. When someone told me that in grade school, I didn't believe it. ME? Mean? I was the furthest thing from mean. But yet, that's how people thought I was. Perhaps people still think that. I think it's around that time that I started really caring what people thought of me. Any compliment thrown my way would boost my ego to incredible levels. I distinctly remember one time on the bus, where we had a substitute bus driver. Me and this girl were the only ones left on the bus, as I was the second to last stop. The sub asked me where my stop was, and all I could say was "Ummmmmmm." The girl immediately butted in and told the sub where it was. I was thankful that she did, I guess because I don't really like talking to people, even though I know it's illogical. Not the point though. I knew the girl a little bit, she was in my class and anyway, she was one of the people that knew I wasn't really mean, just shy. I was sitting in the back and the girl was in the front seat. The sub says to her, "He's so shy." I don't know if they thought I wasn't there or what. The girl responded by saying "He's really nice. But he's soooo quiet..."
I felt pretty bad after that. Looking back it wasn't that strong of a statement. I take things like that extremely seriously, though. Some days when I feel particularly upset, a nasty look in my direction, or a hostile movement, anonymous shove in the hall, anything, ruins my day. I'm not talking in a bullying kind of way. It's stuff that I should be able to brush off and ignore. Somewhere along the path of trying to mold myself into a person that I'm not, I realized that I just can't do it. I simply can not go to school the next day and start being nice or start being approachable. I realized that maybe this is just the way I am, and oh well. So instead of trying to fix myself to remedy what people think of me, I just feel like **** afterwards and think man oh man, why am I like this.
It's the same the other way, too. Some days I feel great to begin with. Not tired, nothing really. A ****ing smile from someone will make me feel like the king of the world. I look around and think about how great everything is, and reflect on when I'm sad, and how dumb I am in those situations. "I can't believe you thought that! Everything's great! Weird stuff!" That's pretty much my though process those days. Occasionally my ego becomes so bloated that I actually think I'm better than everyone else, lol. I know I'm not though, even when I'm thinking that. It's kind of like knowing you're doing something dumb, but you still feel guiltless because it's funny, or whatever.
So I'm not sure. This isn't normal, it can't be. Do people think like that? Do people actually care to a great extent what people care about them? It seems to me that the great majority of people don't care. If they do, they do a good job of hiding it from me. I wouldn't know though, I don't know what people besides me think.
