this one precept

[Luigitoilet]

here is a thing:

this one precept/THIS ONE PRECEPT

please follow me. i can't follow you, but from shadow balconies and hidden eyes.
so please follow me on this
.

There's a glimmer that glimmers
from your eyes
that gives me the dullest warmth.
the ache to pupate
to more than man
become idiot
to taste your drool
on my lips

and fall into a hole.
the qwrksbxk
the unbearable and God-affirming pressure and release
i want it bad.
the tangles of our molluscs
pining for twining
limbs to pretzels
to climb from that hole
prostrate and manifest

and to pack this day
closed away
for another day
to suck on when i need
the sense of sensation
to bathe in the light
of proximity and murmur

please follow me (because i can't follow anyone)

to this well
to throw us in
to seep in the sweet
sick to spasm in the dark

 

[Evil Eye]

This is probably the first of your poems where the meaning jumped right out at me. That is to say, if it is about sex. Which I'm pretty sure it is, because the parabolic wavering between abstraction and lucid energetic focus sure as hell reminds me of having sex.

More specifically it seems to be from the POV of someone that has identified someone they wanna have some nice, "God-affirming" ugly-bumpin' with, but for some reason cannot initiate due to shyness or shame (shadow balconies, hidden eyes in particular)

I could be wrong, of course, because I've stretched beyond what I'm pretty sure of and into my ***, here, but I think I'm onto something. And if I am, this is a very rich and rewarding poem. Too often I find myself shunned by the obtuseness of poetry (including yours) and I never know if it is an element in the writing that could be improved or if I'm simply not doing a good job of reading it. This time, I feel the meaning has shone through the piece from its core, and that has made reading (and rereading, and analyzing) it both easy and joyful, with new insight to gain.

I really like this piece, if that wasn't obvious.

 

[Luigitoilet]

That is a huge relief, because you are like dead on! I was afraid it was too obtuse. After all, Alien Vision couldn't understand what it was about.

 

[Jim Morrison]

This was a fun read, but sometimes had the feeling like it was rambling on. Luckily in such a short poem, that's not terrible, but if this was longer than my screen (so that I had to scroll), I probably wouldn't have bothered reading it again to actually make sense of what I read.

My critique is that it isn't easy to read and also understand what it says. Maybe it's the mystery of this poem, maybe it's something you felt like doing.

 

[Evil Eye]

Rambling on is a rather subjective criticism honestly -- not only in the sense that what defines rambling and what defines abstract musing is already a subjective distinction, but also because many poets can (and arguably should) use a stream-of-consciousness style to reflect the emotions and thoughts of certain types of narrators, in certain types of poems.

So, not only is it hard to discern when something is objectively "rambling", but even moreso as to whether this is a bad thing, especially when it is often used to great effect to enhance the vibe of a piece. I feel the latter is the case here.

Hell, this is an actual poem by renowned poet E.E. Cummings, and it borders right on the line of an encrypted riddle. I don't understand it, but a lot of people do; you need to apply more thought to poetry than just the structural style of it to give it worthwhile critique.

 

[Luigitoilet]

This was a fun read, but sometimes had the feeling like it was rambling on. Luckily in such a short poem, that's not terrible, but if this was longer than my screen (so that I had to scroll), I probably wouldn't have bothered reading it again to actually make sense of what I read.

My critique is that it isn't easy to read and also understand what it says. Maybe it's the mystery of this poem, maybe it's something you felt like doing.

I hate to be snooty, but that is not a critique. Thanks for your feedback regardless, though.

edit: also, the title is a reference to the Buddhist concept of The Five Precepts. Guess which one it is http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Precepts