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The Lion's Heart ~ An Original Tale

Chris Lionheart

Smash Champion
Joined
Apr 6, 2008
Messages
2,076
Location
Make Your Move
So, this is my first real attempt at the art of writing. It is a tale I had imagined about three years ago and have planned out over time. Though far from finished, I wish to develop it into a full story, piece by piece if need be. Though it is not related to Fire Emblem (my favorite game series), it is atleast vaguely inspired by the series. I will, of course, be glad to hear your comments- regardless of whether they are of praise or criticism.

Those of you who are involved in Make Your Move may remember the characters, or the universe as a whole. Well, I figured it was finally time to "canonize" my OC universe, though you will notice significant changes in character roles and the plot as a whole.



"It is said that mankind is bound to commit evil. Indeed, an inner demon dwells within us all, but where there is darkness, there can also be light- an inner angel that implores its host to stand fast and resist the control of their viler side. That is what I believe."

~Samson Lee Lionheart

Prologue
~ The Lionhearted Prince ~

The axe came down quickly. It aimed directly for Sam's head. The young man's response was swift. In one motion, he brought his own halberd above his head and caught the oncoming blade. From here, it would be a test of strength, as he soon realized. This was seemingly unfortunate, as his foe was a much larger man than himself, both in height and in build. Sam, however possessed an unexplainable strength that far surpassed his lightly-muscled appearance. Even so, his opponent was advantaged in this struggle. Surely, the best solution to this predicament would be to escape it. Sam knew that if he shifted his axe to the side, he would be able to break free and have a chance at retaliation. "What if my enemy foresaw this?" he thought. He finally decided that deception would be necessary. He shifted his weight to the right, causing his foe to predict a rightwards shift of the weapon. Instead, he swings his axe to the left, causing the two weapons to seperate. This was his chance! Sam swings his axe at the head of his quarrel, the blade stopping just an inch short of contact with the enemy's cheek.

"Nicely done," said the man as Sam moved the blade of his poleaxe away, "you've become quite adept in combat. Perhaps, you'll even surpass me one day."

"Nonsense! There isn't a man alive that is greater than you, master Gawayn."

"Your respect is well-founded," stated Gawayn with a chuckle, "but I am but the third of the Four."

It was true. Gawayn, the Green Knight, was the third ranked member of Valia's Four Marshalls, the greatest generals in the nation of Valia, and perhaps in the entire continent of Bravus. The other three were Garrett, the Red Knight (ranked at number four), Garthos, the Black Knight (ranked at number two), and Christopher Lionheart, the King and Sam's father, who is often referred to as Valia's Gold Knight. All of these men gained their positions through their efforts in The Demon's War, which ended twenty years ago.

"Even so," replied Sam, "none of the Four can match you with an axe."

"One day, I believe that you will. You will be a great warrior some day."

"But, for now, you are but a spoiled excuse for a prince who would skip his own celebration in favor of swinging around a chunk of sharpened steel," scolded a voice from the shadows.

"My apologies, father," replied the prince, in truth much less apologetic than his tone implied. "It was my belief that my presence would go unmissed, disgrace to the throne that I am."

"Your half-hearted musings do not amuse me. Now, make yourself presentable and get your royal *** to that party before my sword makes that face of yours match your deplorable attitude."

The wrath of his father was not something that Sam wished to invoke. He rushed toward his room, atleast until he was out of sight. Once he was out-of-view, he slowed into a lax pace. He had no intention of hurrying without being forced to do so. he enters the bath chamber of his room. After washing his face, which had heavily perspired during his training with Gawayn, Sam peers into the water left in the sink. Judging by his reflection, he would not need to shave. His beard was short and rugged, just the way he liked to wear it, and his mustache had still not grown back. His curly brown hair was an absolute mess, as it often was after an axe lesson. "Why bother brushing it?" he asked himself. "It will just mess up again within an hour." He soaks his hair and dries it, it looking much tamer than it had before.

Upon returning to his chamber, Sam pulls out some rather fancy clothes from the closet. The set of garments included long pants, a long-sleeve shirt, boots, and a vest jacket, all of which were white and trimmed with gold thread. After deciding that his look needed a personal touch, he pulls out a long green cape that is insigned with the symbol of the royal family, a golden male lion head roaring on the background of a white cross. Dressed in these royal clothes, Sam, whose rather average build and lazy appearance made him somewhat unattractive, looked quite lordly. In order to protect himself against any possible attempt at assassination, he equipped a short sword, strapping it to his waist. This served to give him an even more regal appearance.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The party was what one might expect of a royal ball. It was a lively function, filled with not only the prominent nobles of Valland, the capital city, but from every corner of the country. Sam hoped that he would be able to sneak into the multitude of people unnoticed, but such was not the case, for he was quickly spotted by a lady and asked (more like forced) to dance. "What a nuisance," he thought. He had hoped to avoid the company of the noblewomen for once.

The "lady" hung onto Sam as if to seduce him despite the fact that they had only just met. He didn't even know her name- not that he cared enough to find out. To him, this woman's motive was already obvious, for it was the motive of all so-called ladies. She sought to marry into the wealth and power of the throne. This is why he hated noblewomen... they were not but glorified harlots!

Fortunately, Sam's torture at the hands of the ladies was short-lived this time. The king summoned him to the balcony. The prince may not have known the reasons for his summoning, but he cared not. Any chance to escape this w***e was fine with him. He gave her an outwardly sorrowful farewell, while in his heart he praised his maker for their parting.

Sam entered the balcony to an unusual sight. His father and his twin brother Gareth (who was younger by a mere few minutes) awaited him, surrounded by knights. Normally, only the Four were allowed audience with the king. The leader of this troop was not of the Four. In fact, Sam had never before met this young commander who was tall, slender, and had long, prematurely-white hair.

King Lionheart stood up from his seat, bearing an even more royal visage than the prince, and beckoned his son to approach.

"Finally, the heir to the throne arrives," the king said, almost scoffing as he says the word heir, as if to show his disappointment. "We have business to attend to."

"Oh?" Sam asked, raising his left brow, "and what business warrants the presence of so many armed men, if you don't mind my asking?"

"Your appointment," the king replied." "You are to lead these men to victory in Volf."

"Lead them? Is it really appropriate to place their lives in the hands of an inexperienced tactician such as I?"

"Aye. These men, the soldiers of Valia's 37th Battalion, are some of the nation's finest knights. Should you fail to conquer Volf, or if your deeds in this war cannot match those of your brother, who has thus far shown himself to be more competent, he shall ascend to the throne instead of you."

"Am I right to assume that I will be Durandal's wielder in this conflict?"

"You are not worthy of our holy sword. As such, your brother shall wield it."

"And I? Surely you don't intend to leave your eldest without a weapon befitting of a lord."

"You need not worry," said Gawayn as he entered the room. "This halberd has been forged by the best blacksmith in Valland."

Gawayn hands Sam a large poleaxe. It was very heavy due to having a tremendously large blade, but to one of Sam's strength, holding it felt natural. The entire weapon, shaft included, was made of steel, adorned with spiraling and entwining vines of pure gold. A white flag was attached to the pole, it bearing the Lionheart family symbol which also adorned Sam's cape. Sam planted the base of the pole on the ground and was surprised to find that the weapon stood taller than himself.

"Does it have a name?" asked Sam.

"It is the duty of a weapon's bearer to name it," Gawayn answered.

King Lionheart approaches the edge of the balcony and addresses the crowd.

"Good evening, citizens of Valia. Tonight, we have come to celbrate the seventeenth year of the lives of my sons. There is more to this night than that, however, for tonight, we witness the knighting of our princes. This is a momentous day for our nation. This day shall begin our march to victory against the vile Volfens. They started this conflict by murdering our queen. It is only fitting that her sons will be the ones to avenge her and bring glory to Valia!"

Chris pulls out a ceremonial rapier and orders both of his sons to kneel, as is custom for a knighting. After both recite the oath of allegiance, the king taps the rapier on each of their shoulders and then declares them royal knights of Valia. Sir Samson was given control of Valia's 37th Battalion, while his brother became the commander of the 63rd.

The audience cheered as the new knights rose to their feet and prepared to speak to the crowd. Prepared may not have been the correct word. It was more like they had to decide which of them would speak first.

"You shall go first. You are the older one," stated Gareth.

"Nay. You are the favored heir. My few minutes of being your elder can't compare to that advantage. Now, go ahead."

"I swear... I will never understand your motives brother. Very well, I will go first."

Gareth clears his throat and directs the crowd to be silent. "People of Valia," said he, "it is time that we ended this war. Through a coordinated effort, I believe, my brother and I can strike down the defenses that they have maintained for so many years. The holy Durandal now enters the conflict, with myself as its wielder. It shall spell our victory now as it did twenty years ago when my father used it to smite the demon that enslaved our people. To victory!"

That was just like him, Sam thought. Gareth was always focused on business. This is what made him the better heir. Sam had no problem with being overshadowed, for he possessed no desire to take the throne.

It was Sam's turn to speak. "My people," he said without half of his brother's grace, "I care not for the strategy we use, but I am sure that the tactics that my brother has in mind will bring us victory. I know not his reasons for fighting, but I care only for the welfare of those people I rule, be they prince or pauper. We have warred for to long, Valia, and I will see to it that our warring ends by any means necessary. With my axe... with Galland, I shall end this war!" announced Sam, raising his axe at the end.

With the knighting ceremony complete, Sam knew he had but two options: he could return to that deplorable party or he might be able to escape. He decided to opt for the latter, though if this backfired on him, it could cause him more shame.

Sam snuck back into the party room only for a hand to immediately grab his shoulder. He nearly jumped in surprise and quickly turned around. The culprit was thankfully not a lady, but rather it was Sam's cousin, Ardan Cress.

"Hey cousin! Great party, right?!" exclaimed Ardan, in his usual ecstatic mood.

'Horrid as always. I'ld really like to escape this torment."

"That's a shame, but this could work in both our favors."

"Hmm?"

"I wish to charm every lady in this room and you desire to avoid them. Shall we switch places?"

"What are we waiting for?" replied Sam with a smirk.

The swap was rather simple to perform. Sam and Ardan, though not identical, were similar enough in appearance that one could pass as the other except when dealing with immediate family members. The two were close in build, both being rather short, and sported the same beard. Their hair was different however, Ardan's being much straighter and more well-managed, but this was easily fixed by simply messing up the hair. Though far from perfect, their finished disguises were sure to fool the ladies, who were as easy to trick as they were to attract.

"Well, you definitely aren't handsome enough to fill the part," mocked Ardan.

"I'ld say it's an improvement, actually."

Ignoring the remark, Ardan declared "It will get you out the door atleast."

"Alright, I'll be off then. I'm in your debt."

"Don't worry about that. I'm pretty sure that some lucky lady will be glad to pay that," Ardan said with a suggestive tone.

Ardan may be the biggest womanizer in Valia, but the young prince could not have wished for a better- or more useful- cousin. Ardan was an asset at every party. If a particularly assertive lady threatened Sam's status as a bachelor, Ardan would always appear to "steal" her from him. As the son of General Garthos, he was also one of the most competent sparring partners available to the prince.

Sam's disguise worked like a charm, and looking back, he could see that Ardan already had a beautiful blonde clinging to him. It suddenly occured to the prince that he might develop a reputation as a womanizer himself due to this.

As Sam left through the door, he found that his master waited just outside. Gawayn instantly spotted his pupil, despite the disguise, and called him over. Sam feared punishment, but reluctantly obliged.

"How did you know?" Sam asked Gawayn.

"Do you really think I would not recognize my own student? Besides, it is not like Ardan to leave a party without a woman on each arm!"

"I am such a fool," replied Sam as he shamefully brought his palm to his face- a "facepalm" as most called it. "I suppose you intend to send me back into that Hell."

"Why would I do that? I'ld much rather have one last duel with my pupil. This also gives me an opportunity to test the strength of your Galland."

"Do you honestly think I could sneak out with Galland?" It is still under guard in there."

"Are you sure this isn't it?" Gawayn asked as he tossed the weapon hidden behind his back to Sam.

"How did you get that?"

"I snuck it away from your soldiers. I jest. Actually, I just asked for it. Being their superior officer has its advantages, does it not?"

"You never cease to amaze!" Sam exclaimed jokingly.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Their training grounds were situationed on Gawayn's property. As such, it was no surprise that Travan, Gawayn's son and Sam's best friend, also participated in the sparring. His weapon of choice was the glaive. Due to its similarities to other pole weapons such as the halberd, Gawayn taught them both.

The first duel would be between Travan and Sam. The former made the first move, feigning a high attack with the armed end of the glaive while instead attempting to trip his foe with the opposite end of the pole. This would be a brilliant assault, were it not for the fact that it had previously been overused in their fights. Sam countered the attack by ducking down and blocking the pole with the blade of his halberd and retaliating with a strong upwards thrust of his weapon's unarmed end, which struck Travan in the chin, ending the match.

"Ouch! Did you have to be so forceful with that attack!?"

"Would you have preffered me to have used the other end?" remarked Sam.

"A brilliant counter!" praised Gawayn. "That duel was expertly fought."

"That was nothing more than a warm-up," said Sam. "What does that make our record now, friend, seventy to fifty-three, my favor."

"You're jeering pains me more than your weapon did," replied Travan."

"Not my fault that you don't take these brawls seriously."

"Oh?" replied Travan who quickly dealt Sam a punch to the face. "Is that serious enough?"

The fist only managed to land a grazing blow, which was likely intentional on Travan's part. The two often competeted with and mocked each other, but the mood was always a joking one. In truth, Travan Aeander proved himself to be reliable time and time again. He often helped the young Lionheart to escape the castle for a duel.

"Ready to challenge the master?" asked Gawayn.

"Aye, but the real question is: are you prepared to face my axe?" the prince replied with a grin.

"You strike first then."

This was not what Sam hoped for. The first offender can often be brought into a point of vunerability when against a skilled opponent. The previous match against Travan was a good example of that. If the Lionheart wanted to win this fight, he would have to make his first strike unpunishable.

Sam charged towards Gawayn and unleashed a quick and basic horizontal swing. The attack was effortlessly blocked, but it allowed him to parry the retaliatory blow with equal ease. He let loose an upwards swing, followed by a fast downwards slash, but both attacks were repelled just as easily as his first. In fact, every attack thrown at Gawayn was blocked as though Sam were a novice. The general was simply to defensively competent to falter to his student's current strategy.

Sam pondered any advantages he could have over Gawayn. The middle-aged man had at least twenty more years of experience than he did. Surely the young knight did not possess superior speed, otherwise Gawayn's defense would not be so difficult to overcome. Sam's younger age could provide him with more stamina. If he could force Gawayn to go on the offensive, perhaps the master axeman would wear himself out.

Sam feigned an opening which Gawayn quickly attempted to exploit. From this point, the combatants exchanged roles. Gawayn would attack and Sam would defend. The teacher soon figured out his student's plan, however, and decided to make this battle a contest of strength. He performed a downwards swing, which Sam blocked. They were now in the exact situation that their last battle ended with.

Sam cursed his lack of foresight. He would not be able to escape the challenge this time. If he were to attempt the trick that brought him victory last time, his opponent would thwart him immediately. His only choice was to exceed his foe's strength or endurance. He put his full might into his weapon. Suddenly, Gawayn's axe shattered. Whether by superior strength, a superior weapon, or sheer luck, Sam won!

Though it was Gawayn's axe that broke, Sam was the one who was more shocked by the outcome. It was not rare for strong warriors to leave sizeable chips and cracks in each other's weapons, but for a steel axe to be split into no less than five shards... that was almost completely unheard of!

After a few moments, Gawayn broke the silence. "Well, it seems as though I've lost. That is an amazing weapon you wield."

"Does a victory by weapon destruction even count?"

"Aye. You proved your own worth by keeping up with a general in armed combat. Galland must have desired to match its master."

Sam looked down at his weapon. It was completely unscathed- not so much as a scratch to prove that it had ever been used. Its blade brightly shone in the moonlight. This weapon's crafter must have put his very soul into its construction.

"Does this mean that I have mastered the Gawayn style?"

"Aye, that it does."

---------------------------------------------------------------

Sir Samson Lionheart and his army began their march on noon the next day- several hours after Gareth's troops moved out. Upon reaching the gates of Valland, they found that Travan and Ardan awaited them, each bearing armaments befitting of a captain.

"You are dressed reather oddly for just seeing me off," said Sam.

"We'll be joining your troop," replied Travan. "Do you really think I'ld allow you to have all the glory?"

"You decision doesn't surprise me much, but what of Ardan. Wouldn't he prefer to be charming every lady in fair Valia?"

"Already done," replied Ardan with a smirk. "I figure that there may be many a lovely woman in Volf as well."

"Well, then... shall we be going or will those women be kept waiting?"

"We're off!" exclaimed Ardan.

The conversation had left Sam in a cheerful mood. The prince truly expected this to be fun. Thoughts of freedom and adventure filled his mind. He couldn't be more eager to march on if he tried.
 

Crimson King

I am become death
BRoomer
Joined
Jan 14, 2002
Messages
28,982
It was a good start, but it didn't keep me interested. I am not a fan of high fantasy, which this seems to be, so you will need a fantasy fan to see if the content is appealing. A few notes though:

I felt your tone to be very pretentious. The pre-title section was well-written, but it just had this... I'm not sure how to discribe it that really turned me off. I'd consider some softer word choices. For example:

Indeed, every man is born with his own inner demon, but where there is darkness, there can also be light- an inner angel that implores its host to fight their darker side.
Basically, you take out the extra words that really do not relate to the topic at hand--the vilifying of evil in all men. The point about an inner angel doesn't fit, and it takes away from the introduction to the one that saved everyone. With your line, it sounds like he is implored by inner workings and not his own will.

So, after the edits, you are left with this:

Every man is born with his own inner demon.
Now, this is basically your hooking sentence, and you need to deconstruct it. What role does each word serve to building the image?

"Every" - All people; a quantifier.
"Man" - people; subject; redundant with "every." "Everyone" would give you a lower word count, which will let you create more impact in a tiny package, but "humans" sets the narrative in a "higher" voice, without sounding overly pretentious.
"Is" - auxiliary verb
"born" - main verb; when you have an axillary verb in play, you are weakening the main verb. Personally, I like the verb "bears."

"With his own inner demon." - Prepositional phrase that the sentence builds to; problem with this, there is no EMPHASIS on that final section.

Here are a few revisions:

1. Humans bear inner demons. - not the best, but it's stronger in the right way
2. Within all humans dwell inner demons. - a lot stronger because of the verb and the participle phrase working as a noun.

In both of these, the emphasis is on the inner demons, and there is a drastic drop in the narrative tone; the voice is nearly non-existent.

Second major complaint: names. Lionheart isn't a good name because it implies a lot on that end already. I suggest researching names and find a normal name that has the same meaning as "lionheart" or courageous.

There is some good work here, regardless.
 

El Nino

BRoomer
BRoomer
Joined
Jul 4, 2003
Messages
1,289
Location
Ground zero, 1945
I read more science fiction than fantasy, but I am a Fire Emblem fan. So, as it stands, there's a good handling of language in this piece. The problem is that a lot of the words serve as filler, which creates a pretentiousness that Crimson King noticed. Adding a tone like that to narration is something I would do for the sake of characterization, but with a somewhat distant third person narrator, I don't see much use for it in this case.

It is said that mankind is powerless to resist the temptation in their hearts that bids them to do evil. Indeed, every man is born with his own inner demon, but where there is darkness, there can also be light- an inner angel that implores its host to fight their darker side. Darkness once ruled this world, nearly enslaving the entire continent of Bravus, but one man summoned his people to fight the demonic tyrant. That man's name has become legend, even while he continues to live. That man is King Christopher Lionheart. Even legends sometimes lose their light, however. The once kind King becomes more like a tyrant with each passing day.
That is a decently crafted passage, but it doesn't tell me anything, and the language is not innovative enough for me to excuse it. The themes here, as you probably already know, are very common. They have been done many times over. You're better off, I think, just getting into the story itself without setting up the epic nature of the piece in a blurb. This can apply to this entire prologue. Is there a reason why you feel it necessary to include a prologue in the first place? Sometimes, a prologue can be justified, but I'm not sure why it's being used here. Or does the first chapter start at a drastically different point in time, perhaps involving different characters entirely?

The sun rises in the eastern corner of the sky, filling the room of young Samson Lionheart with bright light. The prince wakes up groggily, exhausted from the party that was held last night in the ball room.
It's a cliche to start a story with a character waking up. I'd consider beginning the piece somewhere else, considering that nothing happens here. I know that a lot of young writers feel that they have to introduce their characters before the plot begins, but I'm sure you can find a more interesting way of introducing him. Maybe you can let us find him doing something that tells us more of who he is, rather than having us meet him while he's waking up. He prefers sparring to the political maneuvering that happens at social functions, so you could maybe open up with a scene where he makes a choice along those lines. Maybe he didn't make a showing at that royal party after all, and maybe this angers the king, who accuses him of training to be a common foot soldier rather than a political leader.

These are just suggestions, but I want to encourage you to be more dynamic with your writing.

How he hated royal parties! Each occassion was the same- he was forced to accompany high-class ladies whose names he did not know but whose motives he did, for they were all the same: every single one of them lusting after the wealth and power of the crown. Royal life was a burden to Sam... a burden which he had no choice but to bear.
Again, another cliche. A frustrated royal bored with life inside the castle.

I think you can cut down the wordiness in that passage. "High-class" is not necessary before "ladies"; a lady in medieval times was a member of the nobility. I think that segment can be whittled down to something to the effect of: "He hated royal parties, accompanying ladies with different names and titles, but all with the same motive: securing the power of the crown."

His cape is that of his master, General Gawayn Aeander, Valia's Green Knight.
The Fire Emblem influences shows itself here. What is the position of "Green Knight"? What does it mean?

He lazily walks towards the bath chamber. He brushes his teeth slowly- he was in no hurry.
I suggest not overdoing the adjectives. "Lazily" isn't needed when you then proceed to describe him as being "in no hurry."

"Finally, the heir to the throne arrives," the king says, almost scoffing as he says the word heir, as if to show his disappointment, "Come. We have business to attend to."

"Oh?" Sam asks, raising his brow, "What business warrants the presense of so many armed men, if you don't mind my asking?"

"Your appointment," the king replies, "You are to lead these men to victory in Volf."

"Lead them?" Sam asked. "Is it really appropriate to place their lives in the hands of an inexperienced tactician such as I?"

"Aye," King Lionheart answers. "This is to be your test. Bring us victory in Volf, and you can have the throne. Fail, and your brother shall ascend. As you know, we already favor him. He has shown himself to be much more competent thus far. As such, he will receive our holy sword, Durandal."
The dialogue is clean, and it does a fine job of mimicking every single fantasy novel, movie and game that has come before it. This isn't so much a criticism as it is a challenge to come up with something different. You've already proven that you can do what has already been done. Perhaps you could try to use dialogue more effectively, to convey character rather than just to advance the plot. Rather than relying on terms like "scoffing," can you convey the king's relationship with his oldest son through dialogue and action?

Edit: A sword called "Durandal"? An intentional Song of Roland reference? If not, then how obvious do you want the Fire Emblem influences to be, considering that this is mean to be an original story?

Sam leads his knights out of the castle proudly, but there is something different about the air he now presented than the one he possessed earlier, for now, he actually felt the pride he displayed. He was no longer stuck inside the castle with little more than Gawayn's halberd lessons to break the tedious schedule he lived by. Now, even if it meant risking his life to do so, he could traverse the beautiful lands of the continent on which he lived. Two young knights and a elegant white steed waited outside. Sam quickly recognized the duo as Ardan Cress and Travan Aeander, his cousin and his best friend respectively.
In true Fire Emblem tradition, I would expect those two friends to bite it after a couple battles. And then the story begins.
 

Chris Lionheart

Smash Champion
Joined
Apr 6, 2008
Messages
2,076
Location
Make Your Move
It was a good start, but it didn't keep me interested. I am not a fan of high fantasy, which this seems to be, so you will need a fantasy fan to see if the content is appealing. A few notes though:

I felt your tone to be very pretentious. The pre-title section was well-written, but it just had this... I'm not sure how to discribe it that really turned me off. I'd consider some softer word choices. For example:



Basically, you take out the extra words that really do not relate to the topic at hand--the vilifying of evil in all men. The point about an inner angel doesn't fit, and it takes away from the introduction to the one that saved everyone. With your line, it sounds like he is implored by inner workings and not his own will.

It will make sense. The pre-title section was more of a foreshadowing of future content than of relation to the prologue.

So, after the edits, you are left with this:



Now, this is basically your hooking sentence, and you need to deconstruct it. What role does each word serve to building the image?

"Every" - All people; a quantifier.
"Man" - people; subject; redundant with "every." "Everyone" would give you a lower word count, which will let you create more impact in a tiny package, but "humans" sets the narrative in a "higher" voice, without sounding overly pretentious.
"Is" - auxiliary verb
"born" - main verb; when you have an axillary verb in play, you are weakening the main verb. Personally, I like the verb "bears."

"With his own inner demon." - Prepositional phrase that the sentence builds to; problem with this, there is no EMPHASIS on that final section.

Here are a few revisions:

1. Humans bear inner demons. - not the best, but it's stronger in the right way

Sounds boring.

2. Within all humans dwell inner demons. - a lot stronger because of the verb and the participle phrase working as a noun.

Much better.

In both of these, the emphasis is on the inner demons, and there is a drastic drop in the narrative tone; the voice is nearly non-existent.

Second major complaint: names. Lionheart isn't a good name because it implies a lot on that end already. I suggest researching names and find a normal name that has the same meaning as "lionheart" or courageous.

That's a really shallow complaint. It's a reference.... here you go.

There is some good work here, regardless.
I read more science fiction than fantasy, but I am a Fire Emblem fan. So, as it stands, there's a good handling of language in this piece. The problem is that a lot of the words serve as filler, which creates a pretentiousness that Crimson King noticed. Adding a tone like that to narration is something I would do for the sake of characterization, but with a somewhat distant third person narrator, I don't see much use for it in this case.

What you are referring to as pretentious, I prefer to think of as poetic. I've always been fond of Old English writings, though I certainly don't (and can't) lay it on as heavily as any of those can.


That is a decently crafted passage, but it doesn't tell me anything, and the language is not innovative enough for me to excuse it. The themes here, as you probably already know, are very common. They have been done many times over. You're better off, I think, just getting into the story itself without setting up the epic nature of the piece in a blurb. This can apply to this entire prologue. Is there a reason why you feel it necessary to include a prologue in the first place? Sometimes, a prologue can be justified, but I'm not sure why it's being used here. Or does the first chapter start at a drastically different point in time, perhaps involving different characters entirely?

Meh... the Prologue is just what is is... an introduction... setting the characters up to be thrown in the real story.

It's a cliche to start a story with a character waking up.

I was well aware of that, but it's a risk I took anyway. I was hoping to convey Sam as the lazy pampered prince that he really is.

I'd consider beginning the piece somewhere else, considering that nothing happens here. I know that a lot of young writers feel that they have to introduce their characters before the plot begins, but I'm sure you can find a more interesting way of introducing him. Maybe you can let us find him doing something that tells us more of who he is, rather than having us meet him while he's waking up. He prefers sparring to the political maneuvering that happens at social functions, so you could maybe open up with a scene where he makes a choice along those lines. Maybe he didn't make a showing at that royal party after all, and maybe this angers the king, who accuses him of training to be a common foot soldier rather than a political leader.

A good idea... I wonder why I hadn't thought of that. :p

These are just suggestions, but I want to encourage you to be more dynamic with your writing.



Again, another cliche. A frustrated royal bored with life inside the castle.

And you'ld prefer I wrote about a contented pampered prince who is forced out into war? It can't get more cliche than that.

I'll just say it now... cliches mean absolutely nothing to me... EVERYTHING has become a cliche in some form.


I think you can cut down the wordiness in that passage. "High-class" is not necessary before "ladies"; a lady in medieval times was a member of the nobility. I think that segment can be whittled down to something to the effect of: "He hated royal parties, accompanying ladies with different names and titles, but all with the same motive: securing the power of the crown."

That was a matter of personal taste. I look at all women who possess some form of dignity (in other words aren't trash) as a lady, regardless of social stature.

The Fire Emblem influences shows itself here. What is the position of "Green Knight"? What does it mean?

I thought the later Four Marshalls (Chris, Garthos, Garrett, Gawayn) statement later on made that clear enough. But that's fine... each of them will get their own chapter or atleast section to make it perfectly clear what each character's role is.

I suggest not overdoing the adjectives. "Lazily" isn't needed when you then proceed to describe him as being "in no hurry."



The dialogue is clean, and it does a fine job of mimicking every single fantasy novel, movie and game that has come before it. This isn't so much a criticism as it is a challenge to come up with something different. You've already proven that you can do what has already been done. Perhaps you could try to use dialogue more effectively, to convey character rather than just to advance the plot.

Rather than relying on terms like "scoffing," can you convey the king's relationship with his oldest son through dialogue and action?

I thought I had handled that rather well... meh... there are always later points in the story to do so.

Edit: A sword called "Durandal"? An intentional Song of Roland reference? If not, then how obvious do you want the Fire Emblem influences to be, considering that this is mean to be an original story?

It's the former (Song of Roland reference). Even if it were an FE reference, FE's Durandal was just a reference to the Song of Roland as well, thus the end result would be the same. I wanted a name of a real holy sword, or atleast one of popular lore, so what better name to choose... at least I didn't call it Excalibur.

In true Fire Emblem tradition, I would expect those two friends to bite it after a couple battles. And then the story begins.

Well, I would accept/deny this, but that would just be telling wouldn't it. By the way, the Fire Emblem tradition is usually to have the father and/or master of the main character die early on... not their cousin and/or best friend.

Fire Emblem 1/11 had Marth's father die. Fire Emblem 4 had Sigurd's best friend and his sister die (at the near midpoint). Fire Emblem 5's main character is the son Sigurd's best friend and Sigurd's sister, thus it's dead parents. Fire Emblem 6 had a lord (and father of the main character's love interest) die. Fire Emblem 7 had the father of the main character die. Fire Emblem 8 had multiple deaths, including the father of the main characters and the best friend of the main characters (who was the villain in a way) die. And finally, the main character of Path of Radiance's father and master (same person) died.
It will all improve in future chapters. It should become less cliche and more compelling with time, but for the time being, I will accept the criticisms and use them to remind me of just how important the storyline improvements will be later on.
 

Chris Lionheart

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Chapter 1
~ Realization ~

Night falls and Valia's 37th continues its march south towards the nation of Volf, though they are still well within the borders of Valia, roughly twenty miles from the capital city of Valland, which lie at it's center. The terrain of Valia is mostly wide-open plains, which makes travelling easy. A village was nearby, for the soldiers could already see it on the horizon. It was a fairly average town, consisting of, from what the soldiers could tell, a number of wooden farm homes, an inn and tavern, and a large stone church. Onward, the band travels, the thought of a meal and warm beds at the inn to push their tired bodies and move their aching feet.

...............................................................................................

"Halt! Who goes there?" shouted the watchman.

"Sir Samson Lionheart, prince of Valia," Sam answered, "My troops need a place to stay. Will you open your gates?"

"Aye. Open the gates!" commanded the guard.

In response to the order, the gates were pushed open by ten soldiers, all of them bearing the standard white Valian capes, but emblemed with the boar, the symbol of this land's ruling lord. The Valian lands are divided into four provinces, each handled by one of the Four Marshalls. Garthos, brother of the King and Valia's Black Knight, manages the South. Garrett, the Red Knight, lords over the West. Finally, Sam's master, the Green Knight Gawayn, is the keeper of the Eastlands. The final area is the capital itself, it is under the sole rule of the Gold Knight, Valia's King, who also rules over the other three. In addition to this, each region is further divided into a number of smaller ruling lords, all of whom answer to their respective superiors. The boar embossed on the capes of these soldiers was black, therefore Garthos was this regions master lord.

Sam's army pours into the town, waking many a villager with the disturbance they caused, however unintentional it may have been. While the sight of hundreds of armed knights alarmed the townsfolk, none of them dared leave their homes.

The inn was not large enough to accomodate all of the soldiers. The available rooms were first given to the nobles (Sam, Travan, and Ardan). The white-haired commander, Michael, and his second-in-command, the archer captain Ryann were also given immediate rooms. The remaining chambers were divided among soldiers based on lots. Those who did not get a room in the inn took up residence in the homes of the villagers. Perhaps, the reaction of common people to armed soldiers is the same whether the troops be friend or foe... the peons had no desire to risk their lives on the unknown kindness or cruelty of a knight.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Sam stood watching the capital of Valland on the horizon. As he concentrated, he discovered the smoke rising from his home. The castle was burning! The young man ran toward the city. It seemed as though he arrived in mere moments. Through the destruction and the chaos, he could see the armies of Valia and Volf gathered around the castle. Why weren't they fighting? Suddenly, the large door is broken and bursts into flames. A shadowed figure steps out, carrying a dead body... the body of the King! As Sam watches in horror, the shadows enveloping the killer recede, and his form is revealed. The attacker was a tall, slender man with dark black hair worn short and blood-red eyes that seemed to pierce right into the prince's very soul. Perhaps most horrifying, however, were the large, black-feathered wings that protruded from the entity's back. Could this be the demon written in legends... the one slain by Chris nearly twenty years ago? The demon threw the King's body, which immediately combusted, into the crowd of soldiers. There was no doubt in Sam's mind. This was the son of Satan himself. This was the demon who rose from the ashes of a fierce volcanic eruption and nearly wiped Valia off the map. This was Ashencroft.

The armies of Valia and Volf stood fast and bravely charged the monster. It was to no avail, for the power of the demon lord was greater than that of even the most powerful of armies. He pointed his fingers at the charging soldiers. As one, the men burst into flames. As one, they fell into ashes. Again, the demon turns its gaze towards Sam. Those eyes... those piercing red eyes... they marked him as next. Frozen in fear, the Lionheart couldn't even move. The demon's black-steel sword became coated in fire and he approached menacingly. "It's all over!" Sam thought. "I'm going to die here! No... I still have my axe." Sam swung in desperation, but the demon caught the blade in his empty hand. Sam's gaze shifted to the sword that headed for his heart.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

And then, Sam woke up, surrounded in a pool of sweat.

"A vision?" Sam asked himself. "No... just a dream. No need to get worked up over a nightmare."

After saying this, however, he heard the bells of the church ringing loudly. An emergency? Looking out the window, Sam observed that the village was being attacked. Some of its buildings were already aflame!

Sam reaches for the halberd at his bedside. Would he need his armor? There was no time for that! The troops needed their orders as soon as possible. Frantically, he exits the inn and runs into the town plaza. There were no enemies inside the gates. The 37th was already confronting the enemy outside, likely following Michael's orders. The fires must have been caused by burning arrows. It was definitely not common bandits, but rather a larger, more organized foe. The Volfens maybe? Quickly, Sam runs through the gates and rushes into the fight without going back for his armor. Was he being brave or foolish? Perhaps, he wasn't thinking at all.

A foe, seeing Sam's unarmored state, charges the prince, ready to swiftly bring down his sword. The prince responds by lifting his halberd and catching the sword in between the blades. He disarms the enemy and then brings down the mighty weapon on the foe's skull in one swift motion, the blade of his axe becoming crimson. Without a moment's hesitation, he charges a cluster of soldiers, and swings Galland in a circle once, the weight of his mighty weapon proving to be more than a match for their strength. The bodies of these opponents fell to the floor, all of them eviscerated.

Sam already felt the pride of his achievement. With no foes nearby, Sam stops to practically applaud his own strength. In his arrogance, could he not see the archer who aimed for him? Could he not hear the bowstring being pulled back or the archer's nervous breathing? Regardless of his reasons, be they stupidity, pride, or lack of attention, Sam was completely unaware that his life was at risk until the last moment. He looked up and saw the arrow about to be released and, in one brief moment, thought he was dead, closing his eyes in preperation for the inevitable sting of the metal arrowhead.

A few moments later, he opened his eyes to see his foe on the floor, his life bleeding away.... no the man died the instant he was struck. Behind the man stood a young woman, probably a couple of years younger than himself. She bore no armor. No cape did she wear, nor emblem did she bear. The girl was definitely not a member of the 37th. And, as Sam observed, neither were the other warriors who rushed onto the battlefield, routing their mutual enemy.

"You have saved my life, my lady," Sam said as he approached her "How may I repay you?"

"Your debt has been payed in full," she answered. "We are the Valland mercenaries, the finest soldiers for hire in Valia."

"May I have the pleasure of your name then?" Sam asked.

"It's Caelse," she answered. "Now, if you'll get out of my way, I have a job to get to."

"Oh, right... my apologies," replied Sam, only half-apologetically. "I suppose I should be returning to the battle myself."

The battle was swiftly won. The enemies, ready to retreat after being outmatched by the 37th battalion, were likely about to flee before the mercenaries arrived and surrounded them. The foes were completely routed. The once beautiful land surrounding the village was stained red and littered with bodies. This was the true nature of war, Sam realized to himself as he looked down at the pile of troops, both Vallian and Volfen, that was being set aflame. He could not recognize any of them, but the pained expressions of these men, locked in by rigor mortis, struck his heart with sorrow.

"So many... so many families will never again see their loved ones," Sam said, his face somewhat anguished by this realization.

"Get used to it," Caelse replied in a harsh tone. "If you do not take lives, you will die. That is the reality of war."

She was right, Sam thought to himself. As much as he hated the prospect, the freedom he gained from his meaningless royal life meant that he would have to take the lives of others and witness the deaths of those he cared for.
 

Crimson King

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It will all improve in future chapters. It should become less cliche and more compelling with time, but for the time being, I will accept the criticisms and use them to remind me of just how important the storyline improvements will be later on.
Won't matter. If your first page is boring, most people skimming it in the bookstore will pass it on, if it even gets that far. Editors and publishers usually take about 10 pages to decide if something is worth reading. If your first few pages are boring, it won't make it far.

As for the rest, naming a character, intentionally, after a historic character works, but not in the context you are using. Lionheart is an AWFUL name. Also, your prose is extremely pretentious now, not poetic. There is a strong difference between the two.
 

Chris Lionheart

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As for the rest, naming a character, intentionally, after a historic character works, but not in the context you are using. Lionheart is an AWFUL name. Also, your prose is extremely pretentious now, not poetic. There is a strong difference between the two.
'Tis all a matter of personal taste, I suppose. In my opinion, Ebony Dark'ness Dimentia Raven Way is a bad name. Lionheart is no more awful as a last name than Washington, Franklin, and Jefferson, and we all know how well those men turned out. What I'm saying is: what makes a name good or bad. It's just an arrangement of letters or syllables used to identify a person.

*end of philosophy mode*

I would really appreciate it if the person who nitpicks like a professional critic would actually... comment on things other than the main character's last name or the "pretentiousness" of the writing style used in something as petty as an opening blurb. And I've even provided a great opportunity for you to do so with Chapter 1.
 

Crimson King

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'Tis all a matter of personal taste, I suppose. In my opinion, Ebony Dark'ness Dimentia Raven Way is a bad name. Lionheart is no more awful as a last name than Washington, Franklin, and Jefferson, and we all know how well those men turned out. What I'm saying is: what makes a name good or bad. It's just an arrangement of letters or syllables used to identify a person.

*end of philosophy mode*

I would really appreciate it if the person who nitpicks like a professional critic would actually... comment on things other than the main character's last name or the "pretentiousness" of the writing style used in something as petty as an opening blurb. And I've even provided a great opportunity for you to do so with Chapter 1.
The opening blurb was included in your work, so I critiqued it. The pretentiousness is apparent throughout the whole thing.

As for the name thing, Lionheart is a descriptive word for someone. It's like calling a protagonist Peter Savestheday, or Lord Evilguy; it's not creative at all. Read this: http://genealogy.about.com/library/surnames/r/bl_name-RICHARD.htm

Richards has the same basic connotation that you are going for without the obvious meanings.
 

Crimson King

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Chapter 1 is a lot better in terms of writing, but you are still overwriting. I am going through it a few more times before citing specific examples but this is just too wordy.

Chris Lionheart said:
Halt! Who goes there?" shouted the watchman.

"Sir Samson Lionheart, prince of Valia," Sam answered, "My troops need a place to stay. Will you open your gates?"

"Aye. Open the gates!" commanded the guard.

In response to the order, the gates were pushed open by ten soldiers, all of them bearing the standard white Valian capes, but emblemed with the boar, the symbol of this land's ruling lord. The Valian lands are divided into four provinces, each handled by one of the Four Marshalls. Garthos, brother of the King and Valia's Black Knight, manages the South. Garrett, the Red Knight, lords over the West. Finally, Sam's master, the Green Knight Gawayn, is the keeper of the Eastlands. The final area is the capital itself, it is under the sole rule of the Gold Knight, Valia's King, who also rules over the other three. In addition to this, each region is further divided into a number of smaller ruling lords, all of whom answer to their respective superiors. The boar embossed on the capes of these soldiers was black, therefore Garthos was this regions master lord.

Sam's army pours into the town, waking many a villager with the disturbance they caused, however unintentional it may have been. While the sight of hundreds of armed knights alarmed the townsfolk, none of them dared leave their homes.

The inn was not large enough to accomodate all of the soldiers. The available rooms were first given to the nobles (Sam, Travan, and Ardan). The white-haired commander, Michael, and his second-in-command, the archer captain Ryann were also given immediate rooms. The remaining chambers were divided among soldiers based on lots. Those who did not get a room in the inn took up residence in the homes of the villagers. Perhaps, the reaction of common people to armed soldiers is the same whether the troops be friend or foe... the peons had no desire to risk their lives on the unknown kindness or cruelty of a knight.
Boiled down, all that happens here is that Lionheart enters town and arrives at the end. I think the mistake here is trying to flesh out too much of the background too quickly. The stuff you have is important, but it's not presented with any good timing, so it comes as more of an overwhelming sensation.
 

Chris Lionheart

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The opening blurb was included in your work, so I critiqued it. The pretentiousness is apparent throughout the whole thing.

As for the name thing, Lionheart is a descriptive word for someone. It's like calling a protagonist Peter Savestheday, or Lord Evilguy; it's not creative at all. Read this: http://genealogy.about.com/library/surnames/r/bl_name-RICHARD.htm

Richards has the same basic connotation that you are going for without the obvious meanings.
Well... the character is royalty afterall. They can change their name to whatever they please just for the sake of making a better image for themselves. Thinking of it in this light, it wouldn't be unheard of for the family to have had a more normal name that simply became unused and/or forgotten by most of the country (or perhaps even the current generation of the family).

Anyway, I'm in the process of rewriting the prologue. The current draft I have is about 9 pages handwritten (and my handwriting is fairly large) and improves upon the last one by removing the cliche'd wake-up introduction, and revealing a good bit more of the personalities and relationships of Sam, King Lionheart, Gareth, Gawayn, Ardan, and Travan while also adding in the party scene and some duels. The prologue will be posted when I'm done writing it... which should be within a few more pages in length.

Hopefully, that will be enough to make sure my tale is good from start to finish.
 

Crimson King

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Well... the character is royalty afterall. They can change their name to whatever they please just for the sake of making a better image for themselves. Thinking of it in this light, it wouldn't be unheard of for the family to have had a more normal name that simply became unused and/or forgotten by most of the country (or perhaps even the current generation of the family).
Here's the problem that EE pointed out to me: he didn't choose the name in the first way it's presented; he just happened to have the last name of Lionheart.

Now, with your latter example: they COULD, but they wouldn't. Royalty are notoriously vain, so it's a lot more likely for them to change the meaning of their last name to MEAN bravery and courage than to change their last names.

If their last name is Paulsen, for example, they'd encourage their courtly playwrites and what not to add variations of their name into their work and make it mean courageous. Changing one's last name isn't a common thing by any stretch of the imagination.
 

shadow-gate

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i copy and pasted it into msword. i had some time to kill, so i took some effort to read it over. i kinda liked it. you haven't written very much, but it interests me.

here are some suggestions tho:

-there are several misspellings here and there, little things like presence and accommodate. you should look over those. not a big deal tho.

-you also have to watch your past tense verbs. in novels, you have to write in the past tense unless it's dialogue, internal thought, or some narration. be careful about those actions.

-the names are fine. they do sound juvenile, but do what you want.

-language is important, so if you can use old english-speak consistently, then do so. but it's hard to do, so i don't recommend it.

-write more! if you post, i will read. i think it's pretty brave to put your work out there. good ****
 

Chris Lionheart

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Here is the revised Prologue, with a somewhat revised opening blurb. A long read, but far better crafted than the original.



"It is said that mankind is bound to commit evil. Indeed, an inner demon dwells within us all, but where there is darkness, there can also be light- an inner angel that implores its host to stand fast and resist the control of their viler side. That is what I believe."

~Samson Lee Lionheart

Prologue
~ The Lionhearted Prince ~

The axe came down quickly. It aimed directly for Sam's head. The young man's response was swift. In one motion, he brought his own halberd above his head and caught the oncoming blade. From here, it would be a test of strength, as he soon realized. This was seemingly unfortunate, as his foe was a much larger man than himself, both in height and in build. Sam, however possessed an unexplainable strength that far surpassed his lightly-muscled appearance. Even so, his opponent was advantaged in this struggle. Surely, the best solution to this predicament would be to escape it. Sam knew that if he shifted his axe to the side, he would be able to break free and have a chance at retaliation. "What if my enemy foresaw this?" he thought. He finally decided that deception would be necessary. He shifted his weight to the right, causing his foe to predict a rightwards shift of the weapon. Instead, he swings his axe to the left, causing the two weapons to seperate. This was his chance! Sam swings his axe at the head of his quarrel, the blade stopping just an inch short of contact with the enemy's cheek.

"Nicely done," said the man as Sam moved the blade of his poleaxe away, "you've become quite adept in combat. Perhaps, you'll even surpass me one day."

"Nonsense! There isn't a man alive that is greater than you, master Gawayn."

"Your respect is well-founded," stated Gawayn with a chuckle, "but I am but the third of the Four."

It was true. Gawayn, the Green Knight, was the third ranked member of Valia's Four Marshalls, the greatest generals in the nation of Valia, and perhaps in the entire continent of Bravus. The other three were Garrett, the Red Knight (ranked at number four), Garthos, the Black Knight (ranked at number two), and Christopher Lionheart, the King and Sam's father, who is often referred to as Valia's Gold Knight. All of these men gained their positions through their efforts in The Demon's War, which ended twenty years ago.

"Even so," replied Sam, "none of the Four can match you with an axe."

"One day, I believe that you will. You will be a great warrior some day."

"But, for now, you are but a spoiled excuse for a prince who would skip his own celebration in favor of swinging around a chunk of sharpened steel," scolded a voice from the shadows.

"My apologies, father," replied the prince, in truth much less apologetic than his tone implied. "It was my belief that my presence would go unmissed, disgrace to the throne that I am."

"Your half-hearted musings do not amuse me. Now, make yourself presentable and get your royal *** to that party before my sword makes that face of yours match your deplorable attitude."

The wrath of his father was not something that Sam wished to invoke. He rushed toward his room, atleast until he was out of sight. Once he was out-of-view, he slowed into a lax pace. He had no intention of hurrying without being forced to do so. he enters the bath chamber of his room. After washing his face, which had heavily perspired during his training with Gawayn, Sam peers into the water left in the sink. Judging by his reflection, he would not need to shave. His beard was short and rugged, just the way he liked to wear it, and his mustache had still not grown back. His curly brown hair was an absolute mess, as it often was after an axe lesson. "Why bother brushing it?" he asked himself. "It will just mess up again within an hour." He soaks his hair and dries it, it looking much tamer than it had before.

Upon returning to his chamber, Sam pulls out some rather fancy clothes from the closet. The set of garments included long pants, a long-sleeve shirt, boots, and a vest jacket, all of which were white and trimmed with gold thread. After deciding that his look needed a personal touch, he pulls out a long green cape that is insigned with the symbol of the royal family, a golden male lion head roaring on the background of a white cross. Dressed in these royal clothes, Sam, whose rather average build and lazy appearance made him somewhat unattractive, looked quite lordly. In order to protect himself against any possible attempt at assassination, he equipped a short sword, strapping it to his waist. This served to give him an even more regal appearance.

---------------------------------------------------------------

The party was what one might expect of a royal ball. It was a lively function, filled with not only the prominent nobles of Valland, the capital city, but from every corner of the country. Sam hoped that he would be able to sneak into the multitude of people unnoticed, but such was not the case, for he was quickly spotted by a lady and asked (more like forced) to dance. "What a nuisance," he thought. He had hoped to avoid the company of the noblewomen for once.

The "lady" hung onto Sam as if to seduce him despite the fact that they had only just met. He didn't even know her name- not that he cared enough to find out. To him, this woman's motive was already obvious, for it was the motive of all so-called ladies. She sought to marry into the wealth and power of the throne. This is why he hated noblewomen... they were not but glorified harlots!

Fortunately, Sam's torture at the hands of the ladies was short-lieved this time. The king summoned him to the balcony. The prince may not have known the reasons for his summoning, but he cared not. Any chance to escape this ***** was fine with him. He gave her an outwardly sorrowful farewell, while in his heart he praised his maker for their parting.

Sam entered the balcony to an unusual sight. His father and his twin brother Gareth (who was younger by a mere few minutes) awaited him, surrounded by knights. Normally, only the Four were allowed audience with the king. The leader of this troop was not of the Four. In fact, Sam had never before met this young commander who was tall, slender, and had long, prematurely-white hair.

King Lionheart stood up from his seat, bearing an even more royal visage than the prince, and beckoned his son to approach.

"Finally, the heir to the throne arrives," the king said, almost scoffing as he says the word heir, as if to show his disappointment. "We have business to attend to."

"Oh?" Sam asked, raising his left brow, "and what business warrants the presence of so many armed men, if you don't mind my asking?"

"Your appointment," the king replied." "You are to lead these men to victory in Volf."

"Lead them? Is it really appropriate to place their lives in the hands of an inexperienced tactician such as I?"

"Aye. These men, the soldiers of Valia's 37th Battalion, are some of the nation's finest knights. Should you fail to conquer Volf, or if your deeds in this war cannot match those of your brother, who has thus far shown himself to be more competent, he shall ascend to the throne instead of you."

"Am I right to assume that I will be Durandal's wielder in this conflict?"

"You are not worthy of our holy sword. As such, your brother shall wield it."

"And I? Surely you don't intend to leave your eldest without a weapon befitting of a lord."

"You need not worry," said Gawayn as he entered the room. "This halberd has been forged by the best blacksmith in Valland."

Gawayn hands Sam a large poleaxe. It was very heavy due to having a tremendously large blade, but to one of Sam's strength, holding it felt natural. The entire weapon, shaft included, was made of steel, adorned with spiraling and entwining vines of pure gold. A white flag was attached to the pole, it bearing the Lionheart family symbol which also adorned Sam's cape. Sam planted the base of the pole on the ground and was surprised to find that the weapon stood taller than himself.

"Does it have a name?" asked Sam.

"It is the duty of a weapon's bearer to name it," Gawayn answered.

King Lionheart approaches the edge of the balcony and addresses the crowd.

"Good evening, citizens of Valia. Tonight, we have come to celbrate the seventeenth year of the lives of my sons. There is more to this night than that, however, for tonight, we witness the knighting of our princes. This is a momentous day for our nation. This day shall begin our march to victory against the vile Volfens. They started this conflict by murdering our queen. It is only fitting that her sons will be the ones to avenge her and bring glory to Valia!"

Chris pulls out a ceremonial rapier and orders both of his sons to kneel, as is custom for a knighting. After both recite the oath of allegiance, the king taps the rapier on each of their shoulders and then declares them royal knights of Valia. Sir Samson was given control of Valia's 37th Battalion, while his brother became the commander of the 63rd.

The audience cheered as the new knights rose to their feet and prepared to speak to the crowd. Prepared may not have been the correct word. It was more like they had to decide which of them would speak first.

"You shall go first. You are the older one," stated Gareth.

"Nay. You are the favored heir. My few minutes of being your elder can't compare to that advantage. Now, go ahead."

"I swear... I will never understand your motives brother. Very well, I will go first."

Gareth clears his throat and directs the crowd to be silent. "People of Valia," said he, "it is time that we ended this war. Through a coordinated effort, I believe, my brother and I can strike down the defenses that they have maintained for so many years. The holy Durandal now enters the conflict, with myself as its wielder. It shall spell our victory now as it did twenty years ago when my father used it to smite the demon that enslaved our people. To victory!"

That was just like him, Sam thought. Gareth was always focused on business. This is what made him the better heir. Sam had no problem with being overshadowed, for he possessed no desire to take the throne.

It was Sam's turn to speak. "My people," he said without half of his brother's grace, "I care not for the strategy we use, but I am sure that the tactics that my brother has in mind will bring us victory. I know not his reasons for fighting, but I care only for the welfare of those people I rule, be they prince or pauper. We have warred for to long, Valia, and I will see to it that our warring ends by any means necessary. With my axe... with Galland, I shall end this war!" announced Sam, raising his axe at the end.

With the knighting ceremony complete, Sam knew he had but two options: he could return to that deplorable party or he might be able to escape. He decided to opt for the latter, though if this backfired on him, it could cause him more shame.

Sam snuck back into the party room only for a hand to immediately grab his shoulder. He nearly jumped in surprise and quickly turned around. The culprit was thankfully not a lady, but rather it was Sam's cousin, Ardan Cress.

"Hey cousin! Great party, right?!" exclaimed Ardan, in his usual ecstatic mood.

'Horrid as always. I'ld really like to escape this torment."

"That's a shame, but this could work in both our favors."

"Hmm?"

"I wish to charm every lady in this room and you desire to avoid them. Shall we switch places?"

"What are we waiting for?" replied Sam with a smirk.

The swap was rather simple to perform. Sam and Ardan, though not identical, were similar enough in appearance that one could pass as the other except when dealing with immediate family members. The two were close in build, both being rather short, and sported the same beard. Their hair was different however, Ardan's being much straighter and more well-managed, but this was easily fixed by simply messing up the hair. Though far from perfect, their finished disguises were sure to fool the ladies, who were as easy to trick as they were to attract.

"Well, you definitely aren't handsome enough to fill the part," mocked Ardan.

"I'ld say it's an improvement, actually."

Ignoring the remark, Ardan declared "It will get you out the door atleast."

"Alright, I'll be off then. I'm in your debt."

"Don't worry about that. I'm pretty sure that some lucky lady will be glad to pay that," Ardan said with a suggestive tone.

Ardan may be the biggest womanizer in Valia, but the young prince could not have wished for a better- or more useful- cousin. Ardan was an asset at every party. If a particularly assertive lady threatened Sam's status as a bachelor, Ardan would always appear to "steal" her from him. As the son of General Garthos, he was also one of the most competent sparring partners available to the prince.

Sam's disguise worked like a charm, and looking back, he could see that Ardan already had a beautiful blonde clinging to him. It suddenly occured to the prince that he might develop a reputation as a womanizer himself due to this.

As Sam left through the door, he found that his master waited just outside. Gawayn instantly spotted his pupil, despite the disguise, and called him over. Sam feared punishment, but reluctantly obliged.

"How did you know?" Sam asked Gawayn.

"Do you really think I would not recognize my own student? Besides, it is not like Ardan to leave a party without a woman on each arm!"

"I am such a fool," replied Sam as he shamefully brought his palm to his face- a "facepalm" as most called it. "I suppose you intend to send me back into that Hell."

"Why would I do that? I'ld much rather have one last duel with my pupil. This also gives me an opportunity to test the strength of your Galland."

"Do you honestly think I could sneak out with Galland?" It is still under guard in there."

"Are you sure this isn't it?" Gawayn asked as he tossed the weapon hidden behind his back to Sam.

"How did you get that?"

"I snuck it away from your soldiers. I jest. Actually, I just asked for it. Being their superior officer has its advantages, does it not?"

"You never cease to amaze!" Sam exclaimed jokingly.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Their training grounds were situationed on Gawayn's property. As such, it was no surprise that Travan, Gawayn's son and Sam's best friend, also participated in the sparring. His weapon of choice was the glaive. Due to its similarities to other pole weapons such as the halberd, Gawayn taught them both.

The first duel would be between Travan and Sam. The former made the first move, feigning a high attack with the armed end of the glaive while instead attempting to trip his foe with the opposite end of the pole. This would be a brilliant assault, were it not for the fact that it had previously been overused in their fights. Sam countered the attack by ducking down and blocking the pole with the blade of his halberd and retaliating with a strong upwards thrust of his weapon's unarmed end, which struck Travan in the chin, ending the match.

"Ouch! Did you have to be so forceful with that attack!?"

"Would you have preffered me to have used the other end?" remarked Sam.

"A brilliant counter!" praised Gawayn. "That duel was expertly fought."

"That was nothing more than a warm-up," said Sam. "What does that make our record now, friend, seventy to fifty-three, my favor."

"You're jeering pains me more than your weapon did," replied Travan."

"Not my fault that you don't take these brawls seriously."

"Oh?" replied Travan who quickly dealt Sam a punch to the face. "Is that serious enough?"

The fist only managed to land a grazing blow, which was likely intentional on Travan's part. The two often competeted with and mocked each other, but the mood was always a joking one. In truth, Travan Aeander proved himself to be reliable time and time again. He often helped the young Lionheart to escape the castle for a duel.

"Ready to challenge the master?" asked Gawayn.

"Aye, but the real question is: are you prepared to face my axe?" the prince replied with a grin.

"You strike first then."

This was not what Sam hoped for. The first offender can often be brought into a point of vunerability when against a skilled opponent. The previous match against Travan was a good example of that. If the Lionheart wanted to win this fight, he would have to make his first strike unpunishable.

Sam charged towards Gawayn and unleashed a quick and basic horizontal swing. The attack was effortlessly blocked, but it allowed him to parry the retaliatory blow with equal ease. He let loose an upwards swing, followed by a fast downwards slash, but both attacks were repelled just as easily as his first. In fact, every attack thrown at Gawayn was blocked as though Sam were a novice. The general was simply to defensively competent to falter to his student's current strategy.

Sam pondered any advantages he could have over Gawayn. The middle-aged man had at least twenty more years of experience than he did. Surely the young knight did not possess superior speed, otherwise Gawayn's defense would not be so difficult to overcome. Sam's younger age could provide him with more stamina. If he could force Gawayn to go on the offensive, perhaps the master axeman would wear himself out.

Sam feigned an opening which Gawayn quickly attempted to exploit. From this point, the combatants exchanged roles. Gawayn would attack and Sam would defend. The teacher soon figured out his student's plan, however, and decided to make this battle a contest of strength. He performed a downwards swing, which Sam blocked. They were now in the exact situation that their last battle ended with.

Sam cursed his lack of foresight. He would not be able to escape the challenge this time. If he were to attempt the trick that brought him victory last time, his opponent would thwart him immediately. His only choice was to exceed his foe's strength or endurance. He put his full might into his weapon. Suddenly, Gawayn's axe shattered. Whether by superior strength, a superior weapon, or sheer luck, Sam won!

Though it was Gawayn's axe that broke, Sam was the one who was more shocked by the outcome. It was not rare for strong warriors to leave sizeable chips and cracks in each other's weapons, but for a steel axe to be split into no less than five shards... that was almost completely unheard of!

After a few moments, Gawayn broke the silence. "Well, it seems as though I've lost. That is an amazing weapon you wield."

"Does a victory by weapon destruction even count?"

"Aye. You proved your own worth by keeping up with a general in armed combat. Galland must have desired to match its master."

Sam looked down at his weapon. It was completely unscathed- not so much as a scratch to prove that it had ever been used. Its blade brightly shone in the moonlight. This weapon's crafter must have put his very soul into its construction.

"Does this mean that I have mastered the Gawayn style?"

"Aye, that it does."

---------------------------------------------------------------

Sir Samson Lionheart and his army began their march on noon the next day- several hours after Gareth's troops moved out. Upon reaching the gates of Valland, they found that Travan and Ardan awaited them, each bearing armaments befitting of a captain.

"You are dressed reather oddly for just seeing me off," said Sam.

"We'll be joining your troop," replied Travan. "Do you really think I'ld allow you to have all the glory?"

"You decision doesn't surprise me much, but what of Ardan. Wouldn't he prefer to be charming every lady in fair Valia?"

"Already done," replied Ardan with a smirk. "I figure that there may be many a lovely woman in Volf as well."

"Well, then... shall we be going or will those women be kept waiting?"

"We're off!" exclaimed Ardan.

The conversation had left Sam in a cheerful mood. The prince truly expected this to be fun. Thoughts of freedom and adventure filled his mind. He couldn't be more eager to march on if he tried.
 

shadow-gate

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so i read the revised version. the first version was more of a prologue than this one. i would consider this new version a first chapter. many people will tell you it's not worth writing a prologue bc readers will tend it skip it. also, prologues tend to be in the voice of a character, not the author. i recommend to just dive right in with a first chap, but do as you wish.

keep writing tho. i haven't really decided if it's good or bad. for a first draft, it's better than expected. are you around high school age? if you are, i'm impressed with the writing.
 

Chris Lionheart

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so i read the revised version. the first version was more of a prologue than this one. i would consider this new version a first chapter. many people will tell you it's not worth writing a prologue bc readers will tend it skip it. also, prologues tend to be in the voice of a character, not the author. i recommend to just dive right in with a first chap, but do as you wish.

keep writing tho. i haven't really decided if it's good or bad. for a first draft, it's better than expected. are you around high school age? if you are, i'm impressed with the writing.
You may have a point there. It's not like changing the Prologue to Chapter 1 would take any effort, but I see no harm done either way. Think of it as you will.

There isn't really much to decide on its quality yet. I still have many an event up my sleeve, ready to appear in future chapters.

And yes, I am a highschool Senior. Class of two-thousand ten for the win! :p
 

Chris Lionheart

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Chapter 2
~ First Victory ~​

"Another ale!" a group of soldiers shouted in unison.

The victory celebration was so much different than parties held at the castle. It seemed as though none of the people- soldier, mercenary, and peasant alike- cared about maintaining their civil visage. These people probably only cared about having a good time. The majority of them were quite drunk- those who weren't probably did not care for alcohol. All throughout the village, especially in the tavern, there was dancing and drunken singing. Even Sam couldn't help but enjoy himself in this wild atmosphere.

The prince decided to try some ale himself, but he found that the beverage smelled awful and tasted even worse. After pondering how anyone could possibly enjoy drinking that grog, he handed the pitcher over to the man next to him, who was already too drunk to give an interpretable response. Regardless of whether or not he joined the rabble of men and women in their intoxicated merryment, he certainly found their rediculous antics amusing. Of particular entertainment was the man who randomly flirted with everything that moved.

"Enjoying yourself?" asked a voice behind Sam.

He turned around to find the speaker, a tall blonde man dressed in the garb of a mercenary.

"Aye, I suppose. Can't say I really fit in with this crowd though."

"I imagine that a lordling like yourself isn't accustomed to such wild merry-making. Can't say I blame you. I was once a knight myself."

"And now you're a mercenary?"

"Aye. The stressful life of a soldier who rarely witnesses the accomplishments of his actions didn't appeal to me. Now, I lead the greatest mercenary guild in Valia."

"Your name is Sir Siegmund, is it not?"

"Nay. 'Tis just Siegmund now. My title left along with my knighthood."

"Well, Siegmund, would you mind explaining why your mercenaries were dispatched to aid us?"

"We were hired by a man named Sir Ardan. He claimed that his cousin was the prince and would pay us handsomely for our services."

"Typical Ardan... I had no knowledge of this transaction, but your sellswords will be payed nonetheless. In fact, I would like to hire all of you as permanent warriors in my campaign against Volf."

"I don't think my men would much appreciate becoming soldiers."

"The pay will be good. I will also allow your group to act somewhat independently. Unless an order is critical to success, you will be allowed to use your own tactics."

"Fair enough," Siegmund replied, shaking Sam's hand. "The Valland Mercenaries are at your service."

After saying this, he excused himself and returned to his mercenaries to make the announcement. There were few objections to the job, as most simply desired to be payed (and payed well).

After a while, the festive party had lost its appeal to Sam. It was a habit of his to seek a quiet place (usually his chambers) so that he could avoid much of life's stress and think, or rather dream, of the more simple life he longed for. Surely, in a place like this, no quiet location was available. His room at the inn would probably be the best he could hope for.

As he walked down the hall, Sam heard the beautiful sound of a lute coming from the room next to his own. Whoever the musician was, they were very talented. He found himself desiring to meet this person.

He knocks on the door thrice. A female voice, which sounded somewhat familiar, permitted him to enter. He opened the door and found that the lute player was Caelse, the mercenary who saved his life.

"Hello."

"What do you want?"

"My apologies, Caelse. My room is next door and I could not help but hear your music. You're really quite talented."

"Oh? Is the nameless soldier a music critic now?"

"I guess I never introduced myself. Sorry. My name is Sam. I certainly don't consider myself a critic either, though I've heard many a bard's song. You play more beautifully beautifully than any of them in my opinion."

"Thank you. Would you like for me to teach you?"

"Aye, I would like that very much," answered Sam with a friendly smile.

"Okay," said Caelse as she handed him the instrument, "you start like this..."

The two remained there for a couple hours. For a good while, she taught him the basics of instrumentation, including how to string each note. After learning the notes and some basic rhythms, their lesson ended and Sam stayed to hear Caelse play. He enjoyed listening to her, but not as much as he enjoyed watching her. She was a fairly attractive woman, despite being plainer in appearance than the women that pestered him. Her long brown ponytail of hair and elegant, small-breasted figure appealed to him. Perhaps what he found most beautiful was her brown eyes, which seemed to somehow reflect a kind but lonely soul.

After some time, all denial was removed from Sam's mind. he found her charming. Despite not knowing much about this girl of fifteen years, she seemed so wildly different than any woman he had ever met. Her somewhat tomboyish appearance, though beautiful to him in a unique way, was but the eye-pleasing cover of an enthralling book. What really caught his attention was that she was the first woman to not lust after his royal status. In fact, she was probably unaware of who he really was. In fact, she didn't seem to be pursuing an immediate relationship at all, but rather seemed to be starting a legitimate friendship with him. Sam wondered if he would be able to conceal his noble identity from her for a while, for he enjoyed their new relationship for what it was.

When he shifted his attention away from her body and back to her music, he found that it had a melancholy tune. It is said that a musician's works provide a view into their soul. If this was the case, as Sam had guessed from the look of her eyes, then Caelse was likely a shy and lonely girl who used her music as a way to vent her sorrow. He returned his gaze to her face, which was relaxed and seemed to be lost in thought, and smiled.

Caelse's song reached its conclusion with a gradual decrescendo right from the poweful climax before reaching a soft piannisimo and finally fading into nothing. Sam struggled to find the meaning of this. Perhaps, it symbolized the small existence of hope or of its fading. He decided on the latter, as that seemed to match the rest of the song.

"What do you think?" asked Caelse.

"I think that you are amazing," Sam answered with a reassuring smile.

"Thanks. Would you like to hear another?"

"I appreciate the offer, but it's getting late, so I must be off. Wouldn't want anyone to get the wrong idea, would you? I'll come back another time, though. Good night, friend."

"Good night."

Sam did not expect the sudden embrace that she gave him. This was but a friendly gesture, but he couldn't help but feel that she might be smitten with him. He returned the favor, bring her closer to him. They remained like this for several moment, being shocked out of it when the door was thrown open, revealing Ardan and Siegmund.

"Has anyone seen... Oh, man! Prince Lionheart shows himself to be quite the lady's man afterall!" exclaimed Ardan.

"I promise that it's not like that," replied a startled and nervous Sam, "she's a friend."

"I would hope so," stated Siegmund, "or else I'ld have to scold my daughter for fraternizing with a stranger. Anyway, you are needed for a war council."

"If I have no choice in the matter, then I'll be there in a moment. My apologies, Caelse. I'll see you later," said Sam with a wave to Caelse as he exited the door.

He could not help but notice that she appeared to be angry, but he knew not why. With the war council, he would not have the opportunity to dwell in thought about that. He resolved to fix the problem- if it still existed- when he had another opportunity to talk to her.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

The council was held in the town hall, which was closed to all but the most important members of the army- both soldiers and mercenaries- including the 37th's Commander Michael and Captain Ryann, Ardan, Travan, Siegmund, and, of course, Prince Lionheart. The hall was under heavy guard in order to prevent minor soldiers, mercenaries, and townsfolk who might spread the information discussed inside from getting in. Sam took his seat at the head of the long table and was joined by Michael and Ryann to his left and right respectively. Siegmund took the opposite end of the table.

As the most prominent soldier present, Michael led the meeting. He rose from his seat and threw a Volfen sword onto the center of the table.

"Everyone, take a look at the emblem emblazoned on the sword, for it will tell us who sent these men."

"It's a lion engraved over an inversed cross that resembles a sword. Is this a mockery of my own crest?" asked Sam.

"Aye. The unit belonged to none other than Sverre Leander, one of Volf's most prominent warlord's."

"Why have I not heard of him?"

"You know not of the most infamous man in Volf?" He is the only warlord with the audacity to launch raids on our homeland."

"His assaults certainly keep us employed," remarked Siegmund.

"Right," replied Michael, "but more importantly, he serves as one of the greatest obstacles to our success. While other leaders focus on maintaining Volf's defensive lines, Sverre sets up brutal ambushes and guerilla attacks."

"He sounds like a coward to me!" declared Sam.

"With all due respect, my liege, we must put aside any romantic ideas of honorable warfare if we wish to win. Sverre is nothing short of a master of war. No tactic is beyond him if it means victory and he employs every strategy with peerless cunning."

"And how do we intend to break through his forces?"

"Our strategy will be a simple one. Prince Gareth's army will curve around the mountains and strike Volf from the east while we mirror this and attack from the west. This split should result in Sverre's forces being spread too far to provide a strong resistance. Sirs Garthos, Gawayn, and Garrett will then lead their forces directly into Volf, spelling our victory."

"So now we know our part in this. Any other business?"

"Nay."

"Then I declare this meeting over."

With that, everyone left the room. Sam left last and headed towards his quarters. It wasn't until now that he realized how tired he had been. Combat puts a strain on the body, which the stresses of being a newly appointed leader only serve to increase.

As he approached his door, he heard the faint sound of crying from the next room. Remembering that he had somehow angered Caelse earlier, he knocks on the door and enters.

"What do you want, lordling," said Caelse in an upset tone.

"My apologies. I certainly don't want to disturb you, but I thought I might have hurt you earlier, though I don't know how."

"Oh I wonder, Prince Sam, if that is even your name... When did you plan on revealing your identity?"

"I see... I am very sorry, my friend, but you must understand... I have grown bored of people treating me like their superior just because I was born lucky. I fail to see how this pains you so."

"Did you know, Sam, that your father, the great "hero" that he is, is responsible for this bloodshed?"

"Some say that, but most acknowledge that Volfens assassinated my mother."

"Does the unproven assassination of one person warrant the slaughter of a people? Does it justify the murder of fathers and the kidnapping of mothers and sisters?"

"Of course not..."

"Well, that is what you fight for... the destruction of my people."

"Caelse..."

"I'm of Volf! Go ahead, have me executed or end my life here with that axe of yours!"

"Nay. I have no desire to harm you. Caelse... I've no idea what I fight for... I just want to see my own nation stop this senseless fighting. Just stand by me, okay."

Caelse leapt toward him with a dagger and attempted to stab him in the chest, but he caught her hand and disarmed her.

"My fate is sealed isn't it," she said.

"Nay... I forgive you. Quite frankly, I don't blame you for wanting me dead. I'm sure that my father's war has brought you great harm. Is that destruction you described your story?"

"Aye... Siegmund is only my adopted father. His mercenaries were paid to stop the raid of my village."

"I am deeply sorry...," Sam replied, taking her hand, "Please understand that I have no choice but to fight in this war. I will not allow the slaughter of Volfen civilians and captured soldiers within my numbers though, if that is of any consolation to you."

"Thank you... but I hope you understand that such consolation will not be enough to quell my sorrows, nor will it pacify my anger towards you. Now leave, please."

"Very well then... G'night."

Sam leaves the room and finds Michael waiting outside.

"She'll come around," said the commander.

"For my sake, I hope so," replied Sam. "Ardan always feared the wrath of an angry woman, and I would not like to experience the same dread."
 

shadow-gate

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well, read the updated chapters. ummm, there are a few things i noticed.

-the chapter titles are a lil misplaced, imo. ch. 2 is called first victory, but they dont' fight. and in chapter 1, they win a battle...so any battle after chapter 1 can't be called a "1st victory". did you mean they were celebrating victory in chapter 2?

-paid is spelled with an "I"

-when caelse tries to stab sam, i found it hard to believe he'd forgive her so quickly. maybe something less dramatic, like a punch or a slap would better fit?



+i like the direction, i like where the story is heading

+sam as a character interests me, i want to know what's going to happen to him
 

Chris Lionheart

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well, read the updated chapters. ummm, there are a few things i noticed.

-the chapter titles are a lil misplaced, imo. ch. 2 is called first victory, but they dont' fight. and in chapter 1, they win a battle...so any battle after chapter 1 can't be called a "1st victory". did you mean they were celebrating victory in chapter 2?

I felt it the best way to summarize the chapter. "First Victory Celebration" sounded quite boring to me. Other ideas were "The Valland Mercenaries" or "Caelse", but neither could describe what was going on as well. Perhaps "Celebration" would be a more appropriate title.

-paid is spelled with an "I"

Ah, well... easy mistake to make. I corrected it.

-when caelse tries to stab sam, i found it hard to believe he'd forgive her so quickly. maybe something less dramatic, like a punch or a slap would better fit?

I was trying to go for something dramatic... Caelse's relationship towards Sam is meant to start out as very one-sided, with one being fond of the other and the other well... being quite intent on seeking vengeance for a perceived wrong.

+i like the direction, i like where the story is heading

It can only get better. :p

+sam as a character interests me, i want to know what's going to happen to him

Good to know. I kind of felt that I was not conveying him as properly as I had hoped. In my opinion, Caelse is perhaps the most interesting character introduced thus far, though I rather expect Sverre to turn out nicely when he makes his entrance.
In other news, I don't know if Chapter 3 will be out as quickly as the rest have been. I have to come up with the inspiration for this one (the past few had been planned out for quite some time) and band events will keep me quite busy for the next few weeks.
 

Chris Lionheart

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Let the tale continue!


~Chapter 3~
+The Summit+

Weeks passed, and the Vallia’s 37th hit their first milestone- the Volfgard Mountains. This land, better known as the Frozen Gauntlet, defined the border between Vallia and Volf, surrounding the latter on all sides.

The soldiers looked on in fear and anxiety at what lie before them. These mountains were the reason behind Volf’s continued defense. The masses of snow hid not but ambushes, traps, and natural dangers that could claim the life of a Vallian battalion at any moment. Sam was among the few whose eyes held no such look, though this was less out of courage than out of sheer ignorance. All he could see was the distance between himself and his enemy shrinking. As his gaze shifted away from the mountains, he could see Michael approaching, mostly covered in the thick white cloak that had become part of the standard equipment for all Vallian soldiers sent into Volf.

“My liege, the men are uneasy.”

“Oh? What for?”

“These mountains are treacherous. Even most trainees know of the dangers that await them here.”

“This is war, Michael. Danger is a part of the job, is it not? The sooner we set off, the better. We can’t have my brother getting there first, now can we?”

“I see… I shall inform the men at once then.”

“See to it that you do… oh and one more thing. Send a messenger back to Valland. Our arrival here is their signal to send out the Marshalls.”

“Aye, sir, and with great haste….” With this said, Michael walked off. In his mind, he thought “Could this selfish lordling really be the one… No… my master’s decisions are uncontestable. I just hope he doesn’t test my patience much longer.”

And so the troops made their first steps onto this icy, desolate summit. A breeze from the mountaintops sent a shiver up their spines, only serving to increase their fears. Even with the protection of their fur cloaks, the knights were very cold. Surely, this alone would be enough to claim the weakest among them.

Sam’s gaze shifted to Caelse. She was a thin girl, surely not meant for such terrain. Her usual defiant demeanor seemed to be completely covered up by her obvious discomfort. It occurred to the prince that she would probably die before long if left unaided. After a moment’s hesitation, and a clear look of displeasure, he took off his cloak, which was considerably more decorative than the rest, and covered her with it. This brought back some of her defiant nature initially, but she reluctantly softened a bit.

“I thank you… but what reason lies behind your deed? And won’t you be worse off without this?”

“What reason? You were freezing. I would hate to bury you. And I’ll be fine. A little cold won’t harm me.”

“Are you kidding? You would have to have boiling blood to not suffer this!” Caelse promptly touched his head, quickly bringing her hand back in surprise. “And that may very well be the case for you. That is one Hell of a fever you’re running.”

“Nonsense. This is no fever, though I doubt you’re boiling blood remark was far from the mark. I can definitely feel it burning, though I think it natural. It happens every winter.”

“I’ve never heard of that happening before? Are you human?”

This made Sam laugh. “I would certainly hope so, but if I were not, what would I be? A demon? Not with my family history! Anyway, let us not dwell on such trivialities. Are you alright now?”

“Aye… I can hardly feel the cold now. Thank you… but don’t think this makes up for anything.”

“Eternally difficult to charm, eh? That’s alright. I’ll tame ye before this campaign ends.”

“Don’t get your hopes up, lordling.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Back in Valland, a young woman on horseback arrives at General Gawayn’s manor. She dismounts and knocks on the door. The loud rapping woke Gawayn, and his annoyance lasted until he opened the door, immediately disappearing in favor of joy.

“Kayen, my dear, it’s been years!”

“Yes, father,” she replied, embracing him.

“How have you been?”

“Very well.”

“And your archery training?”

“I did okay… Here is a message from the academy.”

“My daughter… why must you underrate your abilities so? This missive declares you a prodigy… not just in the art of shooting arrows, but also in intellect.”

“Maybe I don’t wish to be a genius.”

“Such gifts cannot simply be willed away… embrace your talents, for they are a great asset to you.”

“Very well, father. Thank you. May I ask where Sam and my brother are? They promised they would await my return.”

“I’m afraid that is one promise they were not able to keep. They have been sent off to Volf.”

“What!? How long ago was this?”

“About a month ago. Chances are, they are nearing the Gauntlet.”

“I see… do you think they will be alright?”

“I believe that they will return safely. Those two have never been easy to defeat. Why, just before he left, Sam matched my own strength. How he has grown!”

“Really? Well, it comes as no surprise to me. He has more potential than he’s willing to admit. I wonder how much he’s changed these 3 years.”

“Well, I can’t say anything for what the warring so far has done to him, but before his leaving, he had changed very little since you last saw him.”

“I’m glad… He had a unique greatness hidden under his lazy, arrogant visage.”

“You think so?”

“There is no doubt in my mind.”

“Your intelligence shows. As for me, I knew from fighting him. The way a man swings his weapon can tell his opponent so much about him. His swing was true.”

Kayen Aeander smiled at her father. He too was the same as she remembered him. Truthfully, she was torn. Her outside seemed joyful, though her heart was full of fear. She dreaded the thought of her older brother and her friend going headfirst into war. The blaring of a trumpet in the distance interrupted her ponderings. A messenger bearing Prince Gareth’s mark rode quickly onto the estate.

“Heil!” exclaimed the man. “I bear a message from Prince Gareth.”

“Speak then,” replied Gawayn.

“He has reached the summit of Volfgard some seven days ago. Now is the time for the Marshalls to be dispatched.”

“Very well. My forces will ride for Volf by noon tomorrow. Is this satisfactory?”

“Aye, sir. Farewell!” And having said that, the herald left.

“Well, well,” said Gawayn to his daughter, “looks like I too will be fighting in Volf.”

“Please let me accompany you.”

“Surely, you know that the journey holds not but danger and death.”

“But at the end of that road are Sam and Travan. I wish to reunite with them.”

“There is no stopping you, is there?”

“With all due respect, there is none.”

“And that is another of your qualities. Very well then. You may ride with us… just don’t get hurt.”

“Thank you.”

End of chapter 3.
 

OlimarFan

Smash Ace
Joined
Apr 23, 2008
Messages
790
Location
ACT, Australia
Wow… Very, very polished, and there is clear evidence that you've put a lot of thought in this work.
A very captivating read...


As always, I would love to share some ideas:

"Back in Valland, a young woman on horseback arrives at General Gawayn’s manor. She dismounts and knocks on the door. The loud rapping woke Gawayn, and his annoyance lasted until he opened the door, immediately disappearing in favor of joy."

I think it may be better if you stuck to past tense. It gives that 'edginess' and suspense.
e.g. A young woman on horseback arrived at General Gawayn's manor. She dismounted and knocked on the door. She waited.

For me, I think the opening of the next sentence could be worded slightly differently. How about this?
The loud rapping woke Gawayn. Cursing quietly to himself, he reluctantly trudged to the front door and opened it. If there was any annoyance etched on his face, it was gone.

“My daughter… why must you underrate your abilities so? This missive declares you a prodigy… not just in the art of shooting arrows, but also in intellect.”

“Maybe I don’t wish to be a genius.”

Maybe this could work, or something similar:
“Great power comes with great responsibility, father, and I forge my own path. ”
[Instead of "Maybe I don't wish to be a genius."]

“And that is another of your qualities. Very well then. You may ride with us… just don’t get hurt.”
“Thank you.”

How about:
“And that is another of your qualities. Very well then. He sighed. You may ride with us… just don’t get hurt.”

She smiled. “I won’t.” [Instead of “Thank you.”]

Good luck and I wish you all the best for Chapter 4! A near-flawless work, and I strongly encourage you to keep writing!

Kind regards,
Olimarfan
 

shadow-gate

Smash Cadet
Joined
Oct 5, 2009
Messages
25
Location
new yorker
EDIT on january 20th:

read it, but i haven't seen anything pushing the plot yet. keep writing and i'll make a bigger opinion. much better than chapter 1
 
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