I originally wrote this introduction for myself at 1 in the morning a couple of months ago for a debate over whether or not Pac-Man could be in SSB4. Tell me what you think.
Long ago, before the age of Smashboards, before the age of Smash Bros, before the birth of many of the debaters present, there was a woman who sang. Her music was catchy, infectious, almost supernaturally so. Her name: Britney Spears. People lent their wealth to hear her voice, and for those without the money to do so, retail shops played Spears' music over their intercoms. Her singing soon made her legendary, and by the year Anno Domini 2000, she was seen as a true muse of music.
However, all legends must end, and that of Spears came quicker than most. The spirits of the pop culture of the 1980s were filled with discontent. The people of the turn of the millennium had little love for them. In their eyes, the fashion of the 1980s was embarrassing, its non-Japanese, non-Disney cartoons poorly written and animated, its music not really as good as that of the 1970s, and it came to light that Ronald Reagan had funded brutal dictators and warlords in 3rd-world countries. The Spirits of 80s Culture sent their greatest champion, Pac-Man, to disgrace the pop-culture icons of the late 1990s, so that Eighties culture could make a comeback in the 2010s.
Thanks to Pac-Man, the influence of the 1990s began to fade. 90s sitcoms ended their runs, with only the animated Simpsons and South Park averting the same fate. As the Pokemon franchise grew, rifts appeared between those who could find joy in the post-Kanto games and those who couldn't. Toonami showed a hundred episodes of Naruto in a row and didn't live to see the year's end. Bethesda bought Fallout and tried to make it into "Oblivion with guns". Power Rangers changed hands too, but nobody really cared since it was never as good as Super Sentai anyway. Even rap, once praised for its anti-establishment nature, became a mainstream, big budget affair. Soon, only Britney Spears remained.
Pac-Man had planned her downfall from the start; it was to be a brutal, sadistic affair. Spears was whisked to a world of destruction, replaced by a crude facsimile, in more ways than one. The doppelganger set about ruining her name, mocking the celebrity in her own body until the Spears family name was so tarnished that a comeback would be impossible.
Perhaps as divine retribution, the greatest musician of the 1980s was transformed into a pallid creature not unlike those featured in his music videos. Soon after, he actually did die.
The return of 1980s culture was marked by dozens of explosions, as Michael Bay went to work making an ever-increasing number of Transformers movies. This was soon followed by the transformation of half of all forum avatars on the Internet into colorful horses. Pac-Man was rewarded with his own television series, every bit as awful as the one he had in the Eighties. But Pac-Man had other goals in mind. No, he wished to take the place he once held as king of all video games! He turned his sights to the Super Smash Bros. series...
Spears quickly found that in her world, one had to fight their way to the top. Since she was not strong physically, she fell into despair. At that point, she looked up in despair. What she saw amazed her: It was a huge list of the greatest fighters the realm had ever known, raised high for all to see. Though the very top was occupied by swordsmen and anthromorphic, laser wielding creatures, many other top warriors did not appear to be skilled fighters. She saw a woman who fought in a dress using common household objects, such as turnips and golf clubs. She saw two Inuit children who used teamwork to wear down their foes. She saw some sort of pink sphere who was an expert singer like Spears and used its voice as a weapon. Finally, Spears was relieved to see that two of the weakest foes were an enormous, fire-breathing turtle and a powerful psychic being.
Spears soon began to fight, using the power of her songs to defeat countless foes. She soon learned that the top fighters were known as "Super Smash Bros.", and that by becoming the best of these fighters, she could return to her world and defeat the forces who had shaped her world to their own liking. By the year 2007 in our world, the list of Super Smash Bros. had expanded, and Britney Spears was among the elite.
Several years later, Pac-Man had succeeded in his cultural conquest, and began to draft his plan to take over the realm of video games. It would be simple; kill each of the Super Smash Bros, and use their position of power to maintain an iron fist over the rest of the video game industry. Everything would be his. He scoured the Internet for cheat codes, strategy guides, and maps in order to find the weaknesses of his foes. Suddenly he stopped, slack-jawed at a simple news post heading on a leading video game site:
"BRITNEY IN BRAWL!"
Pac-Man seethed in rage. "SPEARS? IN SMASH BROS.?!?" How could he let this happen? How had his rival attained the spot he so truly desired? In his rage, his power, his speed, all of his fighting abilities increased tenfold. He set out for the realm of video games.
Someone shouted, "The Pac is Back!"
Britney Spears turned around and saw a yellow spherical being approaching her. She clenched her microphone, knowing that she could not let this man succeed in his plans, that she had to destroy this creature.
Pop-culture no longer mattered. A showdown was imminent.