I’m just so sick of everything. I’m sick of having to constantly worry about working and money and getting good grades and eating right and pushing myself to perform better than I can, and as a result not having enough time to relax and decompress. Now, when I try to do that, it comes at the detriment of my success in classes and the like. I almost failed three classes last semester just because I was trying to maintain a healthy balance, and it got tho the point where I physically hit myself because I felt so worthless from all of it. Even now, when I’m on summer vacation, I can’t relax because every minute I am reminded about college and going back into the same cycle again. Couple that with my deep seeded fear that I’m actually terrible at my dream job and i’ll Never feel fulfilled, AND that i’ll die alone because I still haven’t even had a first girlfriend and I’m gonna be 21 in February and I just can’t take it anymore.
I don’t necessarily want life to be easy. I just want it to let up and give me a second to breathe because I’m not sure how much more of it I can take.
Time puts things into place.
During the past months, I had to deal with three deaths, an intense amount of stress from high school, family dramas regarding one of those three deaths, the pressure from my uncles and my father, seeing many people close to me or who I see as role models being treated as trash and having an awful time dealing with that... That without mentioning the stuff I got told at a funeral from someone who I never hoped to see doing so, the mental breakdowns I had from all of it, the suicidal thoughts that started growing on me...
... But here I am. I went through all of that... And life finally gave me light inside my life. Some time ago I was considering the choice of ending it all, but now I feel it as a waste. My life literally took a positive and needed turn of events at the least expected moment... And I'm making sure to enjoy every second of it.
I can say this with confidence: time puts things into the right place if one waits and fights well enough. Don't lose hope, because joy can return at the least expected moment.