Proverbs
Smash Lord
Link to original post: [drupal=1589]Revelation.[/drupal]
As some of you may not know, I don't consider myself a particularly -spiritual- person. All I've really seen are my faults, and so I never really thought of myself as someone of great worth spiritually.
But others have. Others have seen something 'great' in me or whatever you want to call it and esteem me highly for it. Before I knew it, I was unknowingly having a huge impact on people.
College started, I was the only male disciple on campus at Emerson College, and the only other disciple wasn't quite spiritually where she needed to be (which wasn't really her fault, but that's a separate matter). So, I was basically the one person set out on this mission field and I had to do my best to support people. Needless to say, I was overwhelmed. How could a guy like me ever be able to have an impact?
Well, a few months later my roommate got baptized and became a disciple. Not me at all, really. I just sort of hooked him up with people from my church and they started showing him the Bible. I didn't really do a whole lot, in fact I felt like I was getting in the way of it all. Later on, a girl from Emmanuel asked me if I wanted to go out and invite people to a Bible Discussion Group we have going on at Emerson. I really should have been the one starting things like this, and, humbled, I agreed. One of the girls we met also ended up becoming baptized. Again, not really me.
I got back from college for winter break and all of a sudden, I started realizing that I was sorely missed in my ministry at home. I was practically a celebrity--something I'm not quite used to. And talking with the guys that I had been away from for so long, I started to realize just how much of an impact I had on them when I was there. I still didn't consider myself as having any 'greatness' but I was glad that it encouraged them. Likewise, the people in my ministry were thrilled to hear about the spiritual success we were having at Emerson. People would come up to me, praising me for what's happened at Emerson to which I'd say "Really, it was all God." They'd reply "Oh, I know," to which I'd just say "No, you really don't."
I was receiving a lot of undue praise, and it made me feel uncomfortable. After all, I'm not a terribly spiritual guy--I'm nowhere close to being like Jesus. I talked about this with one of my closer friends, and he told me that you can't always choose how people see you. Regardless of who and what you really are, the fact is that people look up to you. Instead of trying to change all of their opinions, realize that because they look up to you, you have a moment in the spotlight. At least for their sake, make the best of it.
This is what I ultimately agreed with. Regardless of what I thought of myself, people thought highly of me--so I had to make the best of it. I just wanted to be an inspiration to people, so I tried all the harder--and things certainly became harder as time went on.
Soon enough my responsibilities were huge. My roommate was a newly baptized disciple that needed a ton of encouragement and help every day. Almost every waking moment I was with this guy, and so I constantly needed to be the spiritual, cool-headed, and focused one. I needed to be that example. When I wasn't with him, I was the other newly baptized disciple, and spent time with her so that I could really forge a bond of friendship between us.
Soon enough, her and I were practically best friends. But she still wasn't completely where she needed to be to survive spiritually. And to that end, again, I needed to be the example. Another girl from Emerson began studying the Bible due to me inviting people to our Bible Discussion (this time the idea was mine, and I went alone). Soon enough the minister was coming up to me saying that I was possibly the most 'fruitful' (a term referring to the Biblical concept of 'bearing fruit', i.e. having an impact) freshman they've ever had in our campus ministry. I was still disinclined to accept this compliment, but a good deal less so than before. This role of mine started getting into my head.
All of a sudden I had millions of responsibilities, had to constantly be this huge pillar of support for everyone when I'm still growing spiritually. To top things off, there was a girl in our ministry that I, for a long time, have not only wanted to be with romantically, but also wanted to be a spiritually strong man for. On all sides, I needed to be something for someone.
This mindset persisted to the end of the school year and I became exhausted fast. Even though I wasn't doing a whole lot more than last semester, this whole burden I heaped onto my own shoulders.
At the end of school, my plan was to return home for the summer so I could go back to being the pillar of support for the teen guys in my ministry back home, but I was called instead to help lead in our campus ministry over the summer. After some convincing, I understood I could do both.
But as finals wore on, I grew farther and farther from God. The times I'd spend in the Bible were few and far between. I'd get great times every now and then, but I didn't feel as close to God as I should. After all, I was this great support to the entire ministry, right? I should be closer. In an effort to stay in that role, I made efforts to be there. But with all of what I had to do in finals, my time grew short and I excused myself spiritually on that level. I just didn't have time, after all. But that would all change during the summer.
Wrong. The summer started off terribly. At first I was running on pretty low sleep, so it was understandable. The next day things just got in my way of spending time with God. No big deal, I'd change this soon.
Again, wrong. My resolution to stay close to God was wavering, and even when I did make the efforts to get closer to Him, it was all to maintain this role I thought I had to fulfill. I needed to be 'the strong one'.
Today it finally hit me how far I was from God, after a few incidents I won't get into here. Before I had all of this praise heaped onto me, I thought of myself as someone who was just ever-trying to get closer to God, and always just too far away, and needed to put more effort in. It was all for Him. But after, I lost sight of Him. It was all for this strange concept of a leader that I felt like I needed to be. No wonder I lost my strength so fast.
And now, I realize how much of a sinner I am, how far I am from God. And I'm glad for it, for God's "power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV). So I'll be the weak one. I don't care about that. I'm going to let the inspiration and miracles come from God. As for me, I'm just going to seek Him.
--
Ryan
As some of you may not know, I don't consider myself a particularly -spiritual- person. All I've really seen are my faults, and so I never really thought of myself as someone of great worth spiritually.
But others have. Others have seen something 'great' in me or whatever you want to call it and esteem me highly for it. Before I knew it, I was unknowingly having a huge impact on people.
College started, I was the only male disciple on campus at Emerson College, and the only other disciple wasn't quite spiritually where she needed to be (which wasn't really her fault, but that's a separate matter). So, I was basically the one person set out on this mission field and I had to do my best to support people. Needless to say, I was overwhelmed. How could a guy like me ever be able to have an impact?
Well, a few months later my roommate got baptized and became a disciple. Not me at all, really. I just sort of hooked him up with people from my church and they started showing him the Bible. I didn't really do a whole lot, in fact I felt like I was getting in the way of it all. Later on, a girl from Emmanuel asked me if I wanted to go out and invite people to a Bible Discussion Group we have going on at Emerson. I really should have been the one starting things like this, and, humbled, I agreed. One of the girls we met also ended up becoming baptized. Again, not really me.
I got back from college for winter break and all of a sudden, I started realizing that I was sorely missed in my ministry at home. I was practically a celebrity--something I'm not quite used to. And talking with the guys that I had been away from for so long, I started to realize just how much of an impact I had on them when I was there. I still didn't consider myself as having any 'greatness' but I was glad that it encouraged them. Likewise, the people in my ministry were thrilled to hear about the spiritual success we were having at Emerson. People would come up to me, praising me for what's happened at Emerson to which I'd say "Really, it was all God." They'd reply "Oh, I know," to which I'd just say "No, you really don't."
I was receiving a lot of undue praise, and it made me feel uncomfortable. After all, I'm not a terribly spiritual guy--I'm nowhere close to being like Jesus. I talked about this with one of my closer friends, and he told me that you can't always choose how people see you. Regardless of who and what you really are, the fact is that people look up to you. Instead of trying to change all of their opinions, realize that because they look up to you, you have a moment in the spotlight. At least for their sake, make the best of it.
This is what I ultimately agreed with. Regardless of what I thought of myself, people thought highly of me--so I had to make the best of it. I just wanted to be an inspiration to people, so I tried all the harder--and things certainly became harder as time went on.
Soon enough my responsibilities were huge. My roommate was a newly baptized disciple that needed a ton of encouragement and help every day. Almost every waking moment I was with this guy, and so I constantly needed to be the spiritual, cool-headed, and focused one. I needed to be that example. When I wasn't with him, I was the other newly baptized disciple, and spent time with her so that I could really forge a bond of friendship between us.
Soon enough, her and I were practically best friends. But she still wasn't completely where she needed to be to survive spiritually. And to that end, again, I needed to be the example. Another girl from Emerson began studying the Bible due to me inviting people to our Bible Discussion (this time the idea was mine, and I went alone). Soon enough the minister was coming up to me saying that I was possibly the most 'fruitful' (a term referring to the Biblical concept of 'bearing fruit', i.e. having an impact) freshman they've ever had in our campus ministry. I was still disinclined to accept this compliment, but a good deal less so than before. This role of mine started getting into my head.
All of a sudden I had millions of responsibilities, had to constantly be this huge pillar of support for everyone when I'm still growing spiritually. To top things off, there was a girl in our ministry that I, for a long time, have not only wanted to be with romantically, but also wanted to be a spiritually strong man for. On all sides, I needed to be something for someone.
This mindset persisted to the end of the school year and I became exhausted fast. Even though I wasn't doing a whole lot more than last semester, this whole burden I heaped onto my own shoulders.
At the end of school, my plan was to return home for the summer so I could go back to being the pillar of support for the teen guys in my ministry back home, but I was called instead to help lead in our campus ministry over the summer. After some convincing, I understood I could do both.
But as finals wore on, I grew farther and farther from God. The times I'd spend in the Bible were few and far between. I'd get great times every now and then, but I didn't feel as close to God as I should. After all, I was this great support to the entire ministry, right? I should be closer. In an effort to stay in that role, I made efforts to be there. But with all of what I had to do in finals, my time grew short and I excused myself spiritually on that level. I just didn't have time, after all. But that would all change during the summer.
Wrong. The summer started off terribly. At first I was running on pretty low sleep, so it was understandable. The next day things just got in my way of spending time with God. No big deal, I'd change this soon.
Again, wrong. My resolution to stay close to God was wavering, and even when I did make the efforts to get closer to Him, it was all to maintain this role I thought I had to fulfill. I needed to be 'the strong one'.
Today it finally hit me how far I was from God, after a few incidents I won't get into here. Before I had all of this praise heaped onto me, I thought of myself as someone who was just ever-trying to get closer to God, and always just too far away, and needed to put more effort in. It was all for Him. But after, I lost sight of Him. It was all for this strange concept of a leader that I felt like I needed to be. No wonder I lost my strength so fast.
And now, I realize how much of a sinner I am, how far I am from God. And I'm glad for it, for God's "power is made perfect in weakness" (2 Corinthians 12:9 NIV). So I'll be the weak one. I don't care about that. I'm going to let the inspiration and miracles come from God. As for me, I'm just going to seek Him.
--
Ryan
