Thane of Blue Flames
Fire is catching.
I made a similar choice for myself. Thirteen years out of twenty-three is more than enough. I can't recall what it feels like to not dislike yourself. Or to not have your mind saying things like "I bet they hate you and talk bad about you when you're not there" or "Why would they ever like you?". And the days when it's at its worst and you can barely get yourself to do anything are frustrating.
So I'm working to see myself the way my friends see me. Convincing myself that they must have reasons to like being around me. And I may even talk to them to hear those reasons instead of coming up with my own. Luckily, it's been eight years since I had suicidal thoughts last. Every time I considered it, I'd start to count the people who would miss me if I died. Initially, I'd only put one or two people on my list as I couldn't see how people would miss someone like me. Then, it gradually included more people.
It's a daunting task, getting over depression. And it doesn't help when your mind is fighting you the entire way. But I just... I want to be happy. And I don't mean like having one day in a month, or one week in a season. I want to be genuinely happy with myself. So I'm taking care of my health issues and I'm taking care of my mental health issues. Then.... who knows, I've forgotten what it's like, so who knows what I'll do.
So, good luck to you, Plum. And may this year work out well for both of us.
It gets better. I've been there. You're never fixed 100%, sadly. You'll always have bad days. But sooner or later your good days start to far outnumber them. Eventually.2014 marks the first year I've actually made a resolution for myself.
I'm making this the year I really begin to conquer my depression. And I'm not talking pills or whatever. I can't stand antidepressants. I've been on a multitude of them trying to find the one that works for me... You know how the commercials always include increased thoughts of suicide as a side effect? Well one of them did that to me. Scariest ****ing time of my life. I've felt close to the edge at times... but the key word is "feel." That **** actually took me to the edge. Like made up my mind, going to do it, let's plan it. Backed out of it because of some good friends. And even after dealing with that living hell I told myself I just had to keep trying to find the right medication for me. And I guess I actually did find it, and the stuff actually dragged me out of the dark. But for all the **** depression gives you, there's still those moments that are all but perfect, where you are as happy as can be. And the medication that finally "worked" took those away from me as well. The depression was gone, but so was everything else. It was just like numbing life and not feeling anything anymore. I hated that more than my regular depression. I did it for a few months before making up my mind on antidepressants. If they work for you or somebody you know... man great for them wish I could say the same because it seems like an easy way out... but I couldn't do that.
So yeah, no medication. Talking about overhauling the way I live my life. Less sitting online playing video games (****ing love Smash because I have to get my *** to see people to play). Rekindle my passion for drumming. As I grew older I let gaming take the place of all my other hobbies, but this one I actually regret. Normally I dropped hobbies in favor of more gaming because it was just genuinely less enjoyable, but with drumming it was just my innability to get myself out of bed to play... why do that when I can stay in my room with my computer? So **** that. I can't afford to take lessons again, which I would love to do, but w/e I just want to play and fall back in love with making music. Seriously got to get myself in better shape too. I'm your classic "looks in shape but actually gets winded doing a few flights of stairs" type guy. There was a point where I seriously started to gain weight because of my depression, but over 2013 I did get that under control and I'm back to where I was at the end of high school in terms of weight... but any physicality I had is gone. I've been working on my eating habits, which has been really tough with my food aversions, but I at least cut out junk food and rarely drink sodas/coffee/not water. Get a job I don't hate, and by fall this year I want to be able to go back to school full time to finish.
I feel like if I can get my life on a good path and make some changes to my daily living I can kick depressions ***. Or something... I'm just at that point where people I knew from high school are graduating college and starting careers or moving on to grad school and I'm basically the same person I was when I dropped out of college a few years ago. I'm still struggling with depression and it holds me back from progressing. I'm not saying "I should have my life already figured out like they do" because that's ****ing stupid. Everyone goes at their own pace. I wasn't ready back then, and even right now with me being in school part time at least I still don't think I am. But I'm tired of myself not being ready... so this year is going to be me making myself ready. 22 now, 23 this summer, and hopefully by then I'll be on my way to a new me.
So cheers 2014, and cheers to anybody who was willing to read my ravings. I've got scotch from last night's celebration loosening my lips, and saying this outloud (err typing) reaffirms it for me.
I didn't take pills, either. I was too scared of what they'd do to me. It worked out.