Official Poetry Critique Topic- Now Public to anyone!

[beepbeep]

It's dark--a night
Absinthe green
neon glow
dripping twang
of crystal glasses

a shatter

revolutions away
to sleep, dream, languid
with stiff tongue
abed

this sallow globe
transparent
folds between
blankets--
my moon will come

when day surpasses,
coils through inebriated windows,
then crashes--

a
sleep
a
wake.


Not sure what to name it.
I posted it before but didn't get any response in its own thread.

 

[Rip]

We're doing poetry at school right now. May I get your impressions?

Here's an acronym for "Flying"

Feeling free in the air of liberty
Looking up high in the distant
Yawning at our pitiful life
Inifinite blue sky lying up ahead
Nagging me to climb abord
Giving us the chance to break free

I didn't find rimes for this one, sorry.

Here's a repetition only poem

A+

Forget your pals
Forget this ball
Forget them all
Forget those school days
Where everything was funny
Where everything was easy
Heaven is now finished
Heaven is now vanished
No more daddy
No more momy
Like it or not
You're a man now

English ain't my principal language btw. And I know I gotta work out for rimes.

 

[WhatIsFear]

lol. its been a while since ive written poetry. didnt even know smashboards had a poetry thread. so yeah ill share one that i wrote a while back. its not in depth, nor does it make you think hard about any particular theme. its a poem that you basically read at a casual pace, and understand as you read.

its not titled, cause all my "poems" just happen

every once in a while i take a look back
letting myself feel emotions that feel familiar
only to distance myself once again
id like to say nothings changed
although everythings been rearranged
my feelings have probably altered under these constraints
but im stubborn, as are you
we drift through somehow
but one day we will drift out of sight
ive given time for things to change
they are obviously set in stone
these hands of mine cannot delay time
my feelings i can no longer postpone
id like to say i feel something special
but your just another person to me now

critique or comment if you want, and if not i hope you at least enjoyed it. it was spur of the moment, so it has no title.

 

[Rip]

Please, don't tell me it's "Untitled".

hahaha :O

 

[WhatIsFear]

haha id rather leave it without a title, than giving it a half ***** title.

 

[Devil's Advocate]

This'll be fun.

Battle

The thought of life hath often cross'd my mind
To live, to die, a struggle to exist
If God be so, than He indeed is kind
Submit to Him, for He will not resist.

This thought of mine will soon not leave my head
An inner plague, like chaos from within,
But thinking not soon covers me with dread,
A slow release, that's how I shall begin.

Foolish am I for choosing such a course
For He is greater than my humble thought
Omnipotent, O such a greater force!
So carelessly, would He render me naught.

So yes, It may seem hopeless to begin
But this is just the battle I must win.
_____________________________________

PS - I kinda cheated on some of the lines

 

[Destiny Smasher]

Off Key


One note
Off key, and all they see
Is how the song’s not as sweet as can be.

One measure
Off, and they all scoff,
Tearing down my dreams aloft.

One octave
High, and they will sigh,
Pulling my song down from the sky.

I try to sing
Struggle to harmonize.
But it can’t work if the other never tries.

If I sing
And no one listens,
Is my song one worth singing?

I sing my song, hoping to please,
But all along
They’ve turned away and covered their ears.

One note
Off key, and suddenly,
It’s as if there’s no good at all
That which is in tune and glorious falls
And I’m told to close my mouth.
“Don’t you want to stop singing now?”
I reply,
“Why would I? How?”

My song’s not perfect,
Thus they see that it’s not worth their time
To listen to me.
They refuse to listen, for I am
Off key.

But so are they, each in a different way.
Should I ignore their songs the way
They ignore mine?

 

[Devil's Advocate]

^^^ Please comment before you post your own

One poem at a time. (That means if you see someone else has allready post and hasn't gotten a response by me, don't post)

 

[xXx-NoobKing-xXx]

RAP ATTACK! (a tidbit of a rap battle, me vs freshcoast member "Emotionz") similar idea to "ART ATTACK!" but not really... lol (Freshcoast is a crew that resides in Vancouver, known for talking alot of trash).

Yo, you say you rap better then the best including me?
I say you must have smoked one too many ****en trees, (trees = weed)
If you so crazy then meet me, the meanest MC in west VC.
I'll make you choke, like the smoke inside your lungs,
infecting, infesting, like a plague on the run, YOU better run,
like when I'm bustin bullets from my gun, son, your done.

You can't compete, don't even SPEAK my name, you'll studder when you say it,
next time you think of dissing me, just don't, take my advice and obey it.

I don't really know what kind of reactions so expect from this but I'm open to any comments or critique. I'm always looking for new ways to improve. thx in advance

 

[Omnigamer]

I had to write this up for class, so I figured why not post it here...

It's an evocation from William Carlos Williams's poem "Landscape with the Fall of Icarus"

--------------------------------------------------
Easter Island

From the womb of Cumulus
Are born the drops
That collect
Into puddles

The awakened grace of Sun
Gives off the rays
That kill
Off puddles

But the largest of puddles
Seeks out the path
That leads
Toward flow

The continuous flow of River
Sings of the triumph
That shines
In puddles

Wishing to be swept up
Deaf to destiny’s sad song
Wait the Moai
No voice of their own

--------------------------------------------------
Haven't done poetry in a good long while... but I don't think it's too bad.

 

[Rip]

The Chuck Norris Rap

He's old, dangerous and mighty
A rolling fury.
Can't stop his killing spree.
Yes, it's Chuckey.

God gave him a bear
Yes, the one you fear.
Filled with mysteries
This bear ***** babies.

You never saw a kick like this.
Oh dear Chuck, you never miss!
You know his ennemies...
They're on the missing species.

If he has to wait
He'll just speed up time
He controls faith
For less then a dime.

He chooses the fashion
Your love, friends and so on.
He is his own son.
Don't ask how it's done.

If he says Simple Plan doesn't suck
It does anyway
Even if it's Chuck
This band is still gay.

He never cries
Even if he tries
Too hard for a rock
Too soft for a Chuck.

Never been afraid of the dentist
Nor of the wanted list.
He's on each one
Not like the old Mrs Swan.

Hey ladies! Seeking pleasure?
Get your Chuck Norris for sure!
A god's manhood
It's your food!

And don't you forget
Or else you'll regret
You'll be struck.
DON'T **** WITH CHUCK!

=O

 

[Smashmaniac_91]

LOL, Rip is too good

 

[Rip]

Yeah! Thx ***

If anyone wants any bad rapped thing, I'm your man. :O

 

[Rwing_Wurm_Champ]

Flying out of control hitting reality a million miles per hour.
Getting face full of *******s and degenerates...

God...help me to stay focused and on the right path even when the breaks broken and I can't stop
Not even to get off of this crazy ride...crazy...crazy

God...get me a map while your at it...I think that exit to peace and tranquility just missed!
...Do you mind if I smoke this herb to relax my nerves? I didn't think so--wanna drag?
Here take a puff.
Dizaaamn you how you off an entire joint like this hydro cannabis in one breath? ...Don't lie God I know you feeling buzzed; dealing with nearly billions of culture, wars, genocide, etc. you got to be feeling alittle lighter my man? We talking about babysitting 100,000 generations of babies contantly around the clock. --Oh wait hold that thought!

Well missed another turn, "Riches and Fortunes", **** yo!


God I hope you know that the direction on this journey that approaches is one that is greater then all the riches of this world. ...You sure you don't feel anything? ...Then why are you asleep? ...Oh yeah right, meditating--uhuh sure!

-rwc

 

[twally]

We Smiled...

We Smiled

Lying in the field,
Grass tickling our toes,
The essence of my being was entangled in yours…
You smiled at the stars
And looked into my eyes,
And with a giggle,
You made the world sing…

Lying on a cloud,
Wind blowing against our faces,
Glimpses of immortality passed within our reach…
I smiled at the moon
And looked into your eyes,
And with a glance,
You made me fly…

Lying in a dream,
Being filled with nothing but the world around us,
Flickers of our souls soared across the night sky…
We smiled at the universe
And looked into each other’s eyes,
And without a word,
You spoke my mind…

Lying in this field,
Time failing to age our beauty,
I saw forever in your eyes…
The heavens smiled back at us
And the eyes of God looked into ours,
And without a breath,
New life filled me…

 

[kirbykirby#1]

The day and night.

In the day there is sun
so bright the sun may be
makes you think that your free
day is long
day is short
for me, i say it's just right.

if you think right
fish may bite
on a sunny day when fishes fight
some days are cool
some days are warm

but when time come the day leaves us,
Leaves us with a farewell
but come back soon the sun would say
with a smile on his shiny face.

Though after day night comes by
just to say hi
to those near by,
night is also warm and cool
depends if you don't sleep in the pool,

my poem maybe long but what can i say,
it's 2 in the morning and i like the night,
night is something to be proud of
because of some sleep.
nocternal or not,
i like the night.

 

[NAZN TYR]

my haiku...

an endless cycle
life and death repeat again
until nirvana

 

[Khanczar]

RuPaul

Don't expect anything to change your life when you read this; I was told to write a simple limerick in lit class one day, and this is what spewed out.

Enjoy.



Hello, all! My name is RuPaul!
Now some of you here may think that I'm queer, but that's not the story at all.

I once was a man, all tall and tan, in the modeling business you know.
You may be thinking that at boys I was winking,
But I was compleltely hetero.

But still there were those people,
Those hipoctical peeps,
And as I thought of them, I always would weep.

But then I though, "Hey! I've got other ways!
I don't have to be fruity, metro, or gay!"
So I ran to my surgeon, and began a urgin',
To have him cut my manhood away!

So now here I stand, no longer a man,
But a hideous looking ******, today!

 

[jazblack009]

Anyone can post critiques now. Please don't give one line critiques or roses are red type poems!

Rules

• One poem at a time.
• (That means if you see someone else has allready post and hasn't gotten a response by me, don't post)

The "Point" of This Topic
Yes, the whole idea of this topic is to encourage more people to write poetry. This also serves as a place to get advice. I most likely will make fun of you, but that's the chance you take. If you post poetry in here that is ******** (For example: "I have a cat who is fat and sits on a mat." I will have it deleted and no response will be given to you.)

Smashboards + DeviantArt = this
theres alot of poerty here and not much critiquing... where did the critic from the beginning go, that Bazooka Lucca?
anywho i guess i should critique now that ive commented, i warn you, i only comment on rhyming poetry.

to the poem by Khanczar:
weird subject matter, but thats one of the things that made it different i suppose, it wasn't something about a kid cutting his wrists, even though some in his situation might've with a scenario like his, it was just a problem that was overcome in the authors eyes.

the rhyme wasn't bad, rhythm lacked in some places, an example would have been the 2nd stanza, last line. It didn't really flow like the first stanza, it just stuck out, most of the rest flowed well though, thats probably why it stuck out in the first place.

but like you said, not to expect much, however you did your job, that was a simple limerick. good stuff.

XD oh and a Chuck Norris rap?
LOL that was just too good

 

[Virgilijus]

I try
I try so hard
Push my boundaries to the edge
And if I have to topple them I will.
And all because of one;
That one who changed me.
Unlike any other.
But unaware that the things I do,
The person I have become,
Outside and in,
Is all because
She was unlike any other.

 

[llzred]

Empty promises,
An empty Coke can,
A faded photograph,
It doesn't matter, it's all in your head.

Salt over your shoulder,
The penny's face down,
Ignorence makes us bolder,
In stupidity, you may drown.

Waffles,
Pillows,
And lizards with guns,
Randomness is life,
And I am one of his sons.

 

[Virgilijus]

Empty promises,
An empty Coke can,
A faded photograph,
It doesn't matter, it's all in your head.

Salt over your shoulder,
The penny's face down,
Ignorence makes us bolder,
In stupidity, you may drown.

Waffles,
Pillows,
And lizards with guns,
Randomness is life,
And I am one of his sons.

I like it, especially the last stanza. The first and second start off with a certain beat that leaves them in the last line. Maybe try making them flow better, in my opinion.

 

[llzred]

The first and second start off with a certain beat that leaves them in the last line. Maybe try making them flow better, in my opinion.

Lol. I couldn't think of anything to put in the last stanza, so I just went random.

 

[Virgilijus]

Lol. I couldn't think of anything to put in the last stanza, so I just went random.

Sometimes it happens. I grabbed a pencil once and began writing with no idea of what was happening and it turned out to be one of the best poems I ever wrote.

 

[daisythirdeyeW33]

Here is a sample of mine?

Always Dreaming​

I lived long and now my body just wants to go to sleep and never wake up to the reality I lived in. It now wants to move on and see a different perspective and a sensation that I have never felt. I now have faded into my dream and now the mind is overpowered by my imagination. I can now dream forever.

daisythirdeyeW33

I hope someone critiques mine

 

[G.Fizzle]

meh I had to write some stuff for a class please be honest I have no talent for poetry so its cool

behind the curtain, i am watching
this image i am catching
you are with her and not with me
it's like i'm dieing but i'm free

nothing gets me down not even this
for i am strong, i shred no tears
all i have is not from you
you're a heartbreaker, yes that's what you do

you think you got me, think again
think you had me, let it rain
because it's pure and you are not
what makes me smile is just that thought

 

[joshisrad]

One of my favorite things I've written.

The Trampoline God

A fresh current laps its tongue over electric wounds; every hair on my body remembers what it felt like ten years before. I think why would you care to free me from static imprisonment but overlook liberty from the sensual cell? An airplane passes overhead and I realize I'm naked.

 

[applejack]

I know I'm not supposed to write a poem until after you talk about the first one, but I just saw that nobody has posted here in over two weeks and I just wrote this one for another poetry thread. So can you tell me what you think? Especially on the ending, I'm not so happy about that part.

Does the moon follow the sun
Does the sun follow the moon
Is the killer the gun
Or is it the bullet that follows soon

Is the glass half full
Or is it half gone
Do you fear the charging bull
Or the snake in the lawn

There are two sides to every dime
Two faces to every man
Two choices at every time
Two paths at every land

Choose wisely, use all your might
Decide your fate
It could be side of light
Or the side of hate

 

[technomancer]

A Walking Tornado

Here she comes again,
with her rattlesnake boots,
Her all-knowing smile,
Her voice a tenor.

But only I notice,
nobody else sees her stroll into town,
The dust picking up,
Can't anyone feel it?
Is this just a siren,
singing me to disaster?

Here she comes now,
Her sly cat eyes,
a coat full of guns,
a stride in her step.

This one's the real thing,
I can taste it.
With her big ideas,
She's come to swallow me whole.

Figured I should do a review before I post one. I like it alot, it's got a sexy stylishness, and it's full of sleek, concise concepts. It reads like it was jotted down in a moment, but every line makes you feel, and all the breaks and everything are in great spots.

Edit - Guess page 11 wasn't the last page in the thread lol

 

[technomancer]

I know I'm not supposed to write a poem until after you talk about the first one, but I just saw that nobody has posted here in over two weeks and I just wrote this one for another poetry thread. So can you tell me what you think? Especially on the ending, I'm not so happy about that part.

Does the moon follow the sun
Does the sun follow the moon
Is the killer the gun
Or is it the bullet that follows soon

Is the glass half full
Or is it half gone
Do you fear the charging bull
Or the snake in the lawn

There are two sides to every dime
Two faces to every man
Two choices at every time
Two paths at every land

Choose wisely, use all your might
Decide your fate
It could be side of light
Or the side of hate

Following the style of the originals, ABAB rhymer. Theme appears to be a contrast of opinion or thought process, using the differences in similar observation. I think it's superb, but I don't like the last stanza. First of all, WC on "might," as it has connotations of thoughtlessness, as if you could just squeeze out this decision if you wrinkle your brow hard enough. Secondly, the poem is quite clever in its examples, and I feel as if the reader is looking for the how of it, and not the what to do, for a finisher.

 

[technomancer]

Waving

Sources say there's flooding in downtown side streets.
Could be bad.
Should I ride the crest of a falling wave,
Or sail the dull grey ocean, so smooth
with a compass that points due forward.
And does the wave really fall?
Because another always comes,
No matter what salty splash might fall.

But the new wave erases the old one.
Saltily.
Right overtop. It covers it up.
Nobody remembers what the old one was like.
What it felt like,
How it rolled,
And turned,
And foamed,
and crashed.

Maybe, when the tide goes out a bit more,
and the sun shimmers red over the horizon
I'll see a reflection in the water
The light glancing off a tiny ripple
long gone from shore's steadfast standpoint.


authors comment: Wrote this awhile ago, it goes with a few others, but I'm not gonna spam... I spotted the fall->fall line, eugh that reads really bad.

 

[Abuani]

I like it Techomancer, it was original and thought provoking, I espcially liked the part where the old wave was described, and the imagery in the last stanza was very nice.

This is a rather old poem of mine called searching, I've never posted poetry here before so I thought I might start with this one, So yea, here it goes

Well weve been searchin & searchin for days
And we been prayin & prayin & prayin for rain
But the only drops have been the ones down our face
And we'd kill for more if it'd bring us some grace

This wasteland is empty, but it seems i have grown
Acustomed to anguish, and called it my home
I know this sounds foolish, but its because of this
Holding on to nothing is just clenching my fist

So ive grasped onto nothing, hopes towards the sky
Raise up my head, and scream towards the light
Screaming so loud that it drys up my throat
As night covers the place and ushers in cold

Ive been lost for so long, Im waiting for closure
And the rains getting close, but the storm is closer
All I want, more then anything, is to outlive the storm
Ill believe in anything that will just keep me warm

 

[mkmelee]

I like it Techomancer, it was original and thought provoking, I espcially liked the part where the old wave was described, and the imagery in the last stanza was very nice.

This is a rather old poem of mine called searching, I've never posted poetry here before so I thought I might start with this one, So yea, here it goes

Well weve been searchin & searchin for days
And we been prayin & prayin & prayin for rain
But the only drops have been the ones down our face
And we'd kill for more if it'd bring us some grace

This wasteland is empty, but it seems i have grown
Acustomed to anguish, and called it my home
I know this sounds foolish, but its because of this
Holding on to nothing is just clenching my fist

So ive grasped onto nothing, hopes towards the sky
Raise up my head, and scream towards the light
Screaming so loud that it drys up my throat
As night covers the place and ushers in cold

Ive been lost for so long, Im waiting for closure
And the rains getting close, but the storm is closer
All I want, more then anything, is to outlive the storm
Ill believe in anything that will just keep me warm

Good poem. Feels a bit robotic or clunky at times... For poems such as these, you want it to flow as well as possible. Also, try to have everything spellchecked before you post it.


A poem I had lurking around the corners of my head, that I finally decided to write down. Not incredibly deep, but deep enough, while remaning simple.

See if you can get the message.

"Why try to fly? With melted wings you'll die, Ocean deep you lie, Wondering why?", I sigh, as you walk by.

 

[Zook]

Jimmy found his father's gun
Thought that he would have some fun
Pulled the trigger with all his might
Jimmy's funeral's tommorrow night

 

[marthsword]

Jimmy found his father's gun
Thought that he would have some fun
Pulled the trigger with all his might
Jimmy's funeral's tommorrow night

That's just really depressing.

I can't do poetry. I'll try to right one, but it won't be great. I can write a story well. I hope to improve on my poetry.

 

[Zook]

Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each of them had a quarter
Jill came down with fifty cents
Let's just say they weren't getting water.

 

[ScarfSeph13]

Zook=<3



Something I wrote:

The Fate Of Faith
Lies In The Hope
Of Sin and Lies

With Money Ingraved In My Hand
I make all Followers Stand

I'll yell at Silence
I'll Break Out
In Acts Of Violence




No real format. Just yeah.

 

[you are a butt]

Only in our life can we try,
only in our life can we fly to the clouds and evade all enshrouding of truth.
Fly high, go touch the sky, keep going.
Touch Mars, the stars, the nebulas and let the mind keep flowing.
Drink from the heaven river and keep growing.
Expand, flood and tribulate into further and infinite knowing.
Remember, the river will reflect your skies, but the liver will reflect his own status on high.
Sure, many an infinite sky, but also a worldly wide width water,
from which fore fathers have lived and withered upon,
from which roots have first fed upon,
from which sky lives have walked and put seeds upon.
Stay balanced and on the ground but let the dreams flow further than sky high.
Stay down to earth but let your spirit up to the heavens, as you watch it fly by.

 

[Dr_Twist]

zook your funny well heres mine my first one so what you think
and you are a butt i didnt look at yours before doing this i posted this on a different site first just if you ever wonder

you fly and fly with the wind in your hair
but its just not fair
that you fly so high in the air
but you still cant reach you grandma and grandpa that you hold so dear
all becuase you have one fear
that the sun will burn you up once you get near

2nd verse

although while you fly so high
in the moonlit sky
when you wish you were like every other guy
you find yourself so sad that you want to fall to the ground
while you wish you could make a trip to heaven and then come back around
you wish you could touch the sun
while you feel yourself weighing a ton
you wish you could just have some fun
so dont be sad about your grandparents
just be happy you still have your parents.

 

[OnYourMark]

This is actually a "sneak peak" for my WWYP4. Here is the Prologue:

The instruments of love played songs so sweet;
I fell in love. Behold! Our eyes did meet.
Arranged to wed was maiden fair to sight,
But by my lust I seized her in the night.
Not one believed the story which she kept:
“The Prince of Persia ***** me while I slept!”
With child, adultery called for banishment;
She took the fatal blow, away she went.
But following a while with little strife
A twisting turn of fate controlled my life:
The men confessed they’d seen my mortal sin;
Not stoned was I, but exiled I had been.
Alone and poor, I wandered with no aim;
A traveling gypsy posed to me a game.
She’d give me a grand prize to meet her mark;
A bargain sounded it to me, but hark!