Recently, I realised how much FOE looked like the "You're already dead" meme in one part of the F.O.E. video so I decided to make this
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It radiates pure fear into me
Who is the true evil? And nah, the spider isn't my roommate. Little spidey isn't a complete ***.
Not a problem for someone in South America, but here?
Let me tell you about the Pennsylvania Wood Cockroach.
So these things are all over the place in the summer. "But wait," you say, "cockroaches are attracted to filth, why would they be swarming?" And to that I say, well hot damn, I thought the same thing. Nah, these things. These little ****ers. They just live right out in the woods. Guess where my place is? The woods. And if you forget to shut your window on a warm spring or summer day, and you do so much as open a bag of chips? They'll smell them. Oh, will they smell them. And they WILL find a way into your house. They'll crawl all around. They'll scurry. If you're on your laptop they'll crawl over the screen and leave you flailing in a panic attack, screaming at the top of your lungs if you're like me and have a massive fear of roaches.
And then you try to swat them away. And that's when you find out that these aren't the kinds of roaches you heard about getting in houses. Though you fear their presence, you at least know what you're dealing with. Oh no, not these.
These ones fly.
And they will fly right at you and walk over your forearm as you scream and you scream, wishing only for the sweet embrace of death to save you. And then one gets in your hair. And you scream and you pull at your hair, desperate to claw it out. And then you realize it's not the only one. And then your family finally sees what's going on and they freak out. And then you do what I did and instinctively punch the roach and it dies. Then you punch another, but part of it gets on your hand and you scream again.
And then you seal the window and throw the chips away. And then you take a good long shower to cleanse yourself of the foul beasts.
Then one flies in the shower.
And you freak out again. And then you sear it with the hot water and watch the life drain from its demonic face as it gets sucked down the drain, boiled alive. Then you go to bed, having killed what you thought were all the invaders. But you can't sleep, fearing they'll return. Eventually your body gives way regardless and you sleep. Then you wake up, and you see in your windowsill is a spider friend. And in his web? The final roach, unable to have murdered you in your sleep because of the actions of a brave and hungry arachnid. Thankfully these guys don't breed indoors, so you can manage them by killing them. Alternatively, you can feed them to the spiders. That's what I do now. Whenever it's summer and one finds its way in, I trap it and throw it, still alive, into a spider web so my eight legged savior can know it's wanted. That it matters.
Don't make the same mistake I did. Don't go in unprepared. That little spider can save you and has your best interest at heart, even if it doesn't know it.