MS PAINT SIDE-SIDE QWEST ("CLYDE'S" CYOA)

[Fandangox]

So here I was enjoying a good Saturday until some assholes forced me to be the narrator for their stupid story. Apparently I was "the one they were looking for" whatever that means, to tell their tale. They didn't give me a whole lot of options, heavy treats of violence and all that. Being unable to refuse to their generous offer, I told them I would do it and asked what just what the hell their story was about.

I wasn't exactly given the scoop, but I was told I should be able to catch up quickly to the "deep and meaningful" events of the story. Well that's not all completely accurate, I was given some info on the backstory. Apparently there's a tyrant ruling with an iron fist over the populace, the tyrant has taken over with its army and slowly prohibited all expressions of individualism and whatnot, creepy stuff.

Well all of that actually happened on some far away land that no one gives a **** about and my personal take on this whole thing is that it has got nothing to do with this story and they are just messing with me. No, I don't know nothing about the current story, I don't even know the name of the character I'm supposed to introduce. Let's just name him Clyde for now.

And there he is. He looks bored, can't blame him, he's the main character of this boring story. He's living on the same hell as I.

uh, I think he noticed us? uuuh... hi?

What you've been listening to everything I've been saying? Well sorry Clyde I-

Yes I know your name is not Clyde. What's your name then.

Wonderful.

Okay luckily for all of us, I know what to do in situations like this, and so should you.
No, I don't mean you Clyde, I mean them.

Who's them? Don't worry about that Clyde and just stick to existing inside the pitiful corners of your story.

Well the first thing we should do is open the menu screen.

And there it is. Seems like a pretty standard menu screen. There's a weapon, items, and equipment menu, and of course, some other bull****. We can safely ignore the stats, they most likely mean nothing.

I guess before we dig deep into what will most likely become a very familiar screen for all of us we should consider giving Clyde a proper name, I don't know if you noticed it, but he's Clyde just for the sake of a dumb acronym. I may be a snarky **** as a coping mechanism to having to deal with this situation, but I'm not so heartless as to just keep the guy with a name he doesn't want. Names are good, they let us identify people from each other, and to relate with them, ever named a Pokemon? Exactly.

No Clyde, I'm not comparing you to Pokemon. I'm was s-
Look I was just getting to it, before you interrupted me. Now, this here button should take us to the naming screen.

Well I guess to be fair, I never asked. So what is it.

Are you a boy? Or are you a girl?

(also feel free to name Clyde while deciding)

.>

 

[ranmaru]

Clyde is a girl.

 

[#HBC | Ryker]

Clyde's a boy because he has a girlfriend and she's not into chicks, you dumbass.

 

[giraffelasergun]

Clyde is a boy because he has big guns and cool tatttoos.

I vote to name him "Are you ever going to finish your FE7 playthrough?"

 

[#HBC | Laundry]

I vote to name him "Are you ever going to finish your previous CYOA playthrough?" I need to know what happens to Alex White and Cap Com.

 

[Maven89]

I name him Bruce Royal Blackballs, and he's a woman

 

[#HBC | Ryker]

Name him Red!

 

[Fandangox]

Clyde is a girl.

Clyde's a boy because he has a girlfriend and she's not into chicks, you *******.

he's a woman

Clyde is a boy because he has big guns and cool tatttoos.

Alright so that's 2 for 2. We will keep Clyde's gender undefined for the moment.

Now, we should inspect Clyde's surroundings to determine if there's anything that could prove useful. Let's see.

A prison? What are you doing in a prison Clyde?

What do you mean you don't know? And what's that stack of needles for?

It was already there when you woke up in prison? How much do you remember?

Nothing except your vocabulary and necessary brain functions? Okay then. Anyway, we should take one of those ne-

"hey, hey you"

okay now what.

"Over here"

Oh there's someone on the next cell. He seems to have it a lot better than Clyde. He at least has a ****ty mattress and a toilet.
So who are you mysterious stranger? ...Hello?

It seems only Clyde can hear me. I wonder what this guy wants with him.

Hooded Man: Over here friend. I'm in need of some help.

We can suddenly read Clyde's dialogue: uh, okay.

Hooded Man: What's your name, friend?

OH ****

I forgot to assign a name to Clyde!

I vote to name him "Are you ever going to finish your previous CYOA playthrough?" I need to know what happens to Alex White and Cap Com.

I vote to name him "Are you ever going to finish your FE7 playthrough?"

These two are good, they roll off the tongue, but unfortunately they go past the character limit.

Name him Red!

Let's go with this. Its short, simple, and as a color, conveniently gender neutral.

Weeeeell okay then. Great.

I name him Bruce Royal Blackballs

This is the best we've got, wow. Bruce Royal Blackballs it is. Let's pretend there's a "theme" and we will be using "Black" from now on, or just BRB, for short.

Congratulations Clyde, you are Black.

BRB: The name's Black

Hooded Man: Like, just black, is this a last name or a codename, what is it.

BRB: My full name is Bruce Royal Blackballs.

Hooded Man: ...Okay "Black" it is. What are you in here for?

BRB: I don't remember. I don't remember anything really. I didn't even remember my name until just now.

Hooded Man: I'm sorry to hear that friend. Moving on. I was caught after I stole something from a couple of people in the mountains. I'm CERTAIN that was I stole from them is very valuable. I must get it back at all cost. I see that you have a... uh.. stack of needles on your side of the cell. If you pass me a few of those I could pick the locks and get us out of here.

BRB: How do I know you will really let me out?

Hooded Man: Cause I will need you to retrieve what I stole. I'm pretty sure is still on the evidence room of this building. In exchange for helping me I will pay you a hefty amount of gold, not to mention I would be freeing you in the first place.

MMMh I don't know Black, this guy seems fishy, there's no guarantee that he will really help you, or that anything he is saying is true at all.

What's that? Your instinct is telling you that he is telling the truth? Well my instinct says that's stupid.

Okay fine, don't throw out a fit. We will help him, before that however, we should customize your appearance. See black, if you are to embark on a quest you just cannot look like any random NPC out there, you need to have a defining feature, to set you apart from the crowd.

You need hair

Let's bring up that customization screen again.

... Okay hold on.

There. Okay now what will it be, Black.

>Chose a hairstyle.

 

[#HBC | Ryker]

Afro. I'm certain the pompadour can not be ignored and will show up later, but Pure Art cannot be ignored.

 

[#HBC | marshy]

pure art

 

[Dooplissity]

 

[Spak]

Black is pure art, so why should his hair be any different?

 

[#HBC | Gorf]

dat pure art

 

[Fandangox]

Afro. I'm certain the pompadour can not be ignored and will show up later, but Pure Art cannot be ignored.

pure art

Black is pure art, so why should his hair be any different?

dat pure art

THE PEOPLE (with very good taste) HAVE SPOKEN

WE HAVE GAINED:

THE PURE ART HAIRSTYLE.

And with it the proper stat increases.

Well. It is the only important stat anyway.

We should get back to what we were doing which surely wasn't as important as getting an Afro, but was most likely of relative significance. Ah yes, the thief and his prison break plan.

Hooded Man: I'm glad you have decided to help me, friend. Now all I need is for you to hand me that ne- wait.
Hooded Man: Did you always have hair on you.

BRB: Yes.

Hooded Man: No. I'm pretty sure you were bald a few seconds ago.

BRB: I've had hair on me ever since I can remember.

Hooded Man: You said you lost your memory.

BRB: Yes, I just remembered that I've always had an afro.

Hooded Man: Okay.



Hooded Man: ...Alright now. Just hand me over that needle so we can get out of here.

BRB: Here.

Hooded Man: Thank you. You are very ki-
Hooded Man: How did you get in here.

BRB: I left my cell.

Hooded Man: Yes.
Hooded Man: But how.

BRB: The door was unlocked.

Hooded Man: How did you get on my cell.

BRB: idunno

Hooded Man: Okay. Just... just stay there while I unlock the door. I'll have it open in no time.

Hooded Man: There.

Hooded Man: Its open.
Hooded Man: Now, let us go, we've got no time to lose. My weapons and the item I stole should all be on the evidence room.

It seems we are finally getting somewhere with this story. It should hopefully be smooth sailing from here on to that evidence's room.

"FREEZE"

Ah god dammit.

(*author's note: pretend I am not lazy and that I corrected the "tini" spelling error I made on this panel.)

Armed Policeman: Don't make a move.

Short-Armed Policeman: STAY WHERE YOU ARE OR WE WILL SHOOT.

Hooded Man: Dammit! We are going to have to fight our way out. I hope you can handle a fight.

And thus our first not-so-random encounter begins. Let's think carefully on a course of action. It's 2 against two, and one of them doesn't seem to pose much of a threat, but the other is armed, we must consider our options.

>What should we do?

 

[Spak]

What kind of gun is it?

 

[Maven89]

Throw the hooded man at the armed cop and run away from the fat one

He'll never grab us with his teeni hands

 

[ranmaru]

I think we should first flaunt our snazzy afro, to distract the policemen with our style. They will be vulnerable to our charm and we will negotiate. We can offer a massage to the short armed man since he can't reach his back to scratch it. We scratch his back, he scratches our back. Also, we should mention we were wrongly arrested and were actually contracted men for an art show. The hooded man is my protege, I am the pure arts master. We have a show we must get to at a certain time.

Something like that.

 

[Spak]

Or we could use our hairspray like Mace to blind the armed police officer so he can't shoot and steal his gun. We never heard him **** it and police officers don't typically walk around with cocked pistols, so I'd say it's a pretty safe bet we'd spray him before he'd shoot us. He can't see past the brim of his cap anyways, so Black can pull our spare can of hair spray out of his pure art (his hand is already up there anyways.)

EDIT: Wow, c-o-c-k is censored, even in an appropriate context. That's just sad.

 

[#HBC | Ryker]

Keep it simple, homies.

Wield hooded man

 

[ranmaru]

"I am the pure arts master! Back off!"

Notice that the armed cop has his stance widened to a point we can trip him if we get close enough.

 

[#HBC | marshy]

i think we should either do rykers idea or

run and shove the hooded man into the armed cop and fall on top of him. try to wrestle the gun out of his hand asking hooded man to help. fatso falling on top of us is the only deterrent but if we grab the gun well have control. this is what id do if i was playing solo = play it yolo

 

[#HBC | Gorf]

take out fat penis and stick it inside of the butthole of the cops

 

[~ Gheb ~]

Push the hooded guy into the cop with the gun, duck to dodge a potentially incoming bullet then wait a sec. and see what happens.

 

[#HBC | marshy]

run and shove the hooded man into the armed cop and fall on top of him. try to wrestle the gun out of his hand asking hooded man to help

 

[Spak]

Jump behind the fat cop and use him as a meat shield. Hooded guy then stabs armed policeman with a needle while he's turned the other way (towards Black), and that gives Black enough of a distraction to steal the gun.

 

[Maven89]

Crap pants

 

[Dooplissity]

take shield and sword (that we're inexplicably carrying in prison) and go medieval on them

 

[Spak]

Also, why are the cops wearing diapers?

 

[giraffelasergun]

Throw your pocket sand in their faces to distract them.

also, don't forget to grab the hay in the needlestack.

 

[Fandangox]

take shield and sword (that we're inexplicably carrying in prison) and go medieval on them

Great idea! Except we do not have the required stats to wield a sword and shield. Also we don't have a sword and shield, that's just the equipment icon for weapons!

Crap pants

Done.

Check that square away.

Hooded Man: Black stop wasting time and assist me.

Hooded Man: Black. Black what are you doing.

BRB: EN GARDE!

Keep it simple, homies.

Wield hooded man

Sometimes the answer is just under our very noses.

Hooded Man: Please. Put me down.

BRB: Don't worry now these cops don't stand a chance.

Hooded Man: No. Just please put me down... although... I must commend you on your remarkable physical strength.

shove the hooded man into the armed cop

THIS ISN'T WORKING.

Hooded Man: Black, May I sugges-

About-to-be-tackled-cop: Oh god.

run into the armed cop and fall on top of him. try to wrestle the gun out of his hand asking hooded man to help

We have successfully tackled the enemy. Black may not be a useless dumbwit after all. The fat cop is knocked out, but inexplicably so is our hooded friend. The gun seems to have gotten lost somewhere on the room during the struggle. So this is 1 on 1.

>What should we do?

 

[Maven89]

Cannibalize the bodies

 

[Spak]

Lock 'em up in the cell with no needles.

 

[ranmaru]

Steal their clothes and wear them

 

[Dooplissity]

stab him to death with all the tiny needles so that he looks like a stupid pufferfish

 

[#HBC | Ryker]

Grab hooded man and search for his item

 

[#HBC | marshy]

punch cop in the nose repeatedly. look for gun

 

[Fandangox]

Despite being up and ready for action, the remaining cop inexplicably (and conveniently) falls unconscious. That makes us the victors, and thus we reap the spoils of battle.

Steal their clothes and wear them

WE HAVE GAINED:

The Cop's Clothes.

Now we can adventure knowing the forces of the law will always behind us, unless of course we are the ones breaking them and by breaking them I mean both the laws and their enforcers.

We should probably wear the other cop's clothes first though. Never the hat though, wouldn't want to tarnish Pure Art.

Grab hooded man and search for his item

Now that Black's suited up we should inspect our unconscious ally. After a brief inspection it seems he was telling the truth and was indeed ridded of all his possessions before being put on the cell. He's totally empty.

In the meantime, we should make sure that the other cop is completely knocked out.

stab him to death with all the tiny needles so that he looks like a stupid pufferfish

This was a waste of time.

Lock 'em up in the cell with no needles.

Black locks both the previously conscious-then-unconscious-but-now-conscious-again and the also unconsious fat cop on the Hooded Man's cell. Luckily for him, and I guess, for us. His FAT THICK skin protected him from receiving any real wounds from the tiny needles. We wouldn't want to kill and then end up in prison for murder charges am I right? hehehe

Well, now onward to the evidence room.

...

Wait a second.

Black you DOOFUS. You cannot lock the cops on the cell without the needles when one of the cops is literally full of them. We better get back and make sure th-

Hooded Man: Black.

Oh.

Hooded Man: Black. What happened? Why are you wearing a cop's uniform? And where are the policemen?

BRB: You mysteriously lost consciousness and I then, alone, proceed to beat both of the police officers, they are locked up in your cell.

Hooded Man: Well, nicely done then. The evidence room is just ahead, let's get going.

BRB: Hold on.

punch cop in the nose repeatedly. look for gun

BRB: Alright we can go now.

On his way to heroically punch the defenseless cop on this strange thing called "nose" Black spots the gun on the floor and proceeds to place it in his holster.

Now we've got a croissant gun and we are ready to face on the world.

Hooded Man: The evidence room is just around the corner, however, there's a possibility that there might still be more cops inside. We should think of some plan of action.

Well you heard him. The fuzz might still be at large around the building at our destination.

>What should we do?

 

[ranmaru]

We should think hard about why we were locked up. Once we get to the evidence...... room... ok. Better idea, burn down evidence room. Then we are in the clear. Then get the **** out of there.

 

[#HBC | Ryker]

Wield hooded man and charge

 

[ranmaru]

This is not a post