I didn't realize saying that I hadn't lost weight, and rather gained weight was somehow offensive. It's like everything that comes out of my mouth, or in this case, what I type is offensive in some way, shape, or form..... :\
I thought I HAD been fairly vocal in sharing the happenings of the transition... What do you want to know that I haven't shared? I'm very confused.
Recent times have been difficult. Depression has been cutting in to my life incredibly hard. I find myself blacking out and losing massive amounts of time. I blink, and anywhere between 10 minutes, to an upwards of 3 hours have gone by and I don't remember what I did, if I even did anything at all. I never remember if I take my hormones or not. I think I either take too much some days, and it's wasted, or I go days at a time without taking them, so my progress has been very stunted as of late.
Emotionaly, it's been a rollercoaster. sometimes I'm the happiest I've ever been, and sometimes I'm so emotionally drained, I sleep 16 hours, and eat maybe 500 kcal. Other days I just keep eating and eating and aeating, and it's getting worse since I moved out. I've actually gained 20 lbs since February. I was my lightest at 135, just weight in this evening at 155 after dinner. Not being able to eat what I want, how much I want, and keeping a consistent schedule has been very damaging to me. I miss the emotional control and financial stability.
I've been going through phases where I feel incredibly feminine, as if I were never born male to begin with. Recently, I cut my hair, because lolarizona.
I look at those images, and it's like, "Ew, I just look like some transvestite trying too hard." instead of like a feminine. Though quite a few people have called my current cut, etc fairly cute, I look at myself in the mirror and can't help but feel incredibly dysphoric.
I'm at a point that I'm questioning the effort I've put towards everything. I'm wondering if I'll ever be where I want to be, or if I even know what it is that I want. Fundamentally, all I want in the end is to be completely female. End of story, but the road to getting there has been so bumpy that it's recently been making me rethink everything. Especially since there are people who I know who constantly criticize me. Not always intentionally, but it's still incredibly painful. There are people who support me, but the detractors are larger in number, and more vocal than those who do support me. It's very lonely feeling.
Despite all the negatives, some things have changed recently. Fundamentally, I am a very different person. I don't react the same way to things I used to, and some things just don't affect me anymore, and new things affect me in ways I never would have thought. Some examples:
I used to hate tea. Now I chug it like water.
Soda, though something I'm addicted to, makes me physically ill. Particularly, it's the potassium. I used to be able to down it like it were water.
Fruit, something I used to despite, is now delicious.
Industrial, EBM, dubstep, hard rock, etc. Genres I used to hate are now appealing to me.
I've been doing things I used to not find entertaining, like thrifting, going downtown, to bars, to clubs, on dates, setting up excursions with non-gaming folk. I've been on so many dates with so many interesting, and incredible people in the last 2 months, it's incredible which further makes me wonder why I've been so emotionally down and hollow the past two weeks.
I used to hate chocolate. Now it's a physical god.
Oh. something interesting I learned recently. Genetically, I'm XXY. Imagine that.