Jokes!

[#HBC | Gorf]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7GvstxiH-M&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jzHBszZn6uo&feature=related

And here's my joke:

Pirates are out on sea and see another ship. The captain calls a crew mate and says, "Get me my red shirt." The crew member says, "Okay, but why?" The captain says, "So that if I get shot, no one will come to my aid and continue the war." As the crew member runs to get the shirt, he thinks to himself wow what a noble man. I wish I can be like him. The battle finishes, and immediatly afterwards three more ships come, and the captain says, "Bring me my brown pants."

I'm in the mood to hear any general joke, about anything at all!

 

[Nihongo-ookami]

What was Michael Jackson's last big hit?

The floor.

 

[Criosphinx]

What was Michael Jackson's last big hit?

The floor.

This is relevant to my humors.

Those youtube links were obscenely unfunny.

 

[#HBC | Gorf]

Puns are hilarious imo. But thats just one man's opinion.
I just thought of another one:

Three men are in the jungle and stumble upon a tribe of canibles. The canibles surround them and tell the men, "We want you to endure a task. Please bring a fruit of choice here." So the three men walk away. One man comes back with an apple. The canibles say, "If you can stick this up your butt without any noise, we'll set you free." He attempts to do it and screams in pain. The canibles eat him, and he goes to heaven, to watch the other men. The second man comes back with a cherry. He starts to stick it in, and all he has left is the stem! But as he was getting ready to push, he cracks up, gets eaten, and sent to heaven. The two men talk in heaven, and the first man asks, "You were so close! Why did you laugh?" So, the second man says, "I saw the last guy come with a pineapple."

 

[Caleb Wolfbrand]

I hope this thread continues, I'm enjoying this.

 

[xTONEx]

Puns are hilarious imo. But thats just one man's opinion.
I just thought of another one:

Three men are in the jungle and stumble upon a tribe of canibles. The canibles surround them and tell the men, "We want you to endure a task. Please bring a fruit of choice here." So the three men walk away. One man comes back with an apple. The canibles say, "If you can stick this up your butt without any noise, we'll set you free." He attempts to do it and screams in pain. The canibles eat him, and he goes to heaven, to watch the other men. The second man comes back with a cherry. He starts to stick it in, and all he has left is the stem! But as he was getting ready to push, he cracks up, gets eaten, and sent to heaven. The two men talk in heaven, and the first man asks, "You were so close! Why did you laugh?" So, the second man says, "I saw the last guy come with a pineapple."

I was gonna post this one lol.

So these three ladies and their children are at a carnival and they see this fortune teller booth and they decide to stop by. Well the first lady walks up. The fortune teller takes a look at her. Then she says, "You...are obsessed with money. You're so obsessed with money, you named your daughter Penny." The second lady steps up. The fortune teller takes a look at her and says, I can see that you're obsessed with food. You're so obsessed with food that you named your daughter Candy. Well, at this time the third lady looks donw at her son and say, "Come on Di*k, lets go."

 

[Master Raven]

Two peanuts are living in a bad neighborhood.

One of them was assaulted.

 

[DFEAR]

what did the carpet say to the floor?
I got you covered!

What do u call a sleeping bull?
a Bulldozer o.o

what is beethoven's favorite fruit?
BA-NA-NA-NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

 

[xTONEx]

What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean Beef


What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground Beef

 

[Gerbil]

My joke arsenal is full of racism that would put Handorin to shame. >_>

Failsafe: My best friends are black. They've lived through my entire arsenal. I just have the decency not to post them unless someone demands it, and they will totally be in spoiler tags so noone is offended publicly lol.

 

[Caleb Wolfbrand]

Do it.

My favorite one came from Columbus
"Alpha's so black; if he was a pokemon, his ability would be NIGHT ESCAPE."

 

[Gerbil]

My personal favorite that I heard a little while back haha.

(Again, for the sensitive people, this joke is racist, and I am not a racist LOL. Yes, I do feel the need to cover my own ***.)

Spoiler

Why do black women wear high heels?




So their knuckles don't scrape the ground.

 

[Nihongo-ookami]

Hercules, Snow White, and Pinocchio are sitting on a bench.

Hercules sees a flyer for a "Strongest man in the world" contest, and enters. He comes back holding a large gold trophy.

Snow white sees a flyer for a "Fairest Lady in the land" contest, and enters. She comes back holding a large gold trophy.

Pinocchio sees a flyer for a "Biggest liar in the world" contest, and enters. He comes back with a silver trophy and a sad look on his face. When asked what happened, he asked, "Who the hell is George Bush?"

 

[Purple]

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"

"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

------------------

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

 

[Gerbil]

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain."

They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

I thought this was good XD

 

[Purple]

RAYKU I FOUND THE JOKE
A little further down the road he saw another sign that said, "All Flavored Peaches 5 Miles." Well this time it caught the mans eye, he was getting a little hungry.

As he went a few more miles down the interstate he came to a sign that read, "All Flavored Peaches Farm Next Right." This time the man was starving and decided to go to the farm and see what they have to eat.

As the man pulled up to the Farm he saw acres and acres of peach trees and a single barn. As the man entered the barn he saw a farmer moving crates of peaches for shipment. This startled the farmer and asked the man what he needed.

The man replied, "Can i get one of the peaches you grow on your farm." When the farmer heard this he went into the back and came out with a single peach and threw it to the man. As the man bit into the peach it tasted like the most elegant grape jelly he has ever had. The man looked up and asked for some of that delicious Peter Pan Peanut Butter. The farmer replied, "Turn it around." The man did just that and took a huge bite and it tasted just like the creamy peanut butter he wanted.

The man thought to himself, "I need to think of a combination that he doesnt have." Next the man asked for a ham and cheese flavored peach.

The farmer went into the back and came back with a single peach and gave it to the man. The man took a huge bite out of the peach and it tasted like the most scrumptious ham the man has ever eaten. So the man asked, "Where is that nice American cheese I asked for." The farmer replied, "Turn it around."

By this time the man had to think of a flavor the farmer didn't have. So the man smiled a bit and asked for a ***** flavored peach. The farmer chuckled and went into the back and came back with a single peach. And tossed it to the man.

The man took the biggest bite yet out of this peach and almost hurled all over the farmers shoes. Then man in his fury said, "THIS TASTES LIKE ***!" The farmer said, "Turn it around."

 

[BBQ°]

rofl jamaal you have the best jokes so far

 

[thegreatkazoo]

A man is at the beach and meets a woman with no arms or legs.

The woman grabs the man's attention then says "I've never been kissed before." Out of kindness, the man gives her a peck on the cheek.

After the kiss, the woman continues, "I've never been hugged before." The man proceeds to give her a hug.

Following the hug, the woman says "I've never been %ucked before." The man then rents a boat, takes the woman with her, then travels out to the sea. Afterwards, he grabs the woman and tosses her into the ocean and says, "Now you're ked."

 

[#HBC | Gorf]

This ^ is win xD!

 

[Player-3]

There was a farmer who wanted to raise some sheep.
He called a company, and bought a whole flock of sheep, and then asked the salesman how to breed the sheep

the sales man told him to artificially inseminate the sheep, but being a country man, he had no idea what that meant, but not wanting to look like an idiot he didnt tell the salesman that

so he took a guess, and the next day, drove all the sheep out into the field, and ****ed them all

then when he got home, he forgot how to know if the sheep were pregnant, so he called the company and asked
they said, "Theyll be laying down in the field doing nothing"

so he looks outside, and the sheep are walking around grazing

the next day, he decides to take them all out into the field again, but this time **** them twice each for good measure.

the next day, he looks outside, and sees the sheep still arent moving, so he takes them out to the field, and ****s them ALL DAY LONG.

the next day, hes too tired to even look outside, so he asks his wife if they are laying down in the field.

his wife replys
"No, theyre all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn"





i worded it bad because its from memory..

 

[xTONEx]

Three men are walking in the dessert one. They're so tired they can hardly keep going. But after a little more walking, they see a house in the distance. When they arrive to the house the first man says, "I'll see if she can help us."

So the man goes up to the door and knocks. This dirty, nasty old lady opens the door. "...ummm, my friends and I have been walking for hours. Would you mind giving us some water?" "Sure," says the old lady. So they walk into the kitchen and the lady just stares at the man. "I'll give you and your friends some water. But you have to f*ck me first," she says. The man hesitates for a minute, knowing he rather wouldn't. But, he knows his friends are probably passed out by now. He looks around and sees 3 pieces of corn on the counter. So the man agrees. "Close your eyes and open you legs," he tells her. So she does. When she opens her legs, he almost barfs all over the kitchen floor. It was probably the worst thing he's ever smelled. He then grabs the first piece of corn, screws her with it, and then throws the piece of corn out the window. "Wow, that was really nice," she says. So she gives him the water.

She then looks at him and says, "I'll give you a million dollars if you f*ck me again." Once again he agrees. He tells her the same thing, "close your eyes and open you legs." He then grabs the second piece of corn,screws her again until she orgasms, and throws it out the window. After that, she gives him the million dollars.

The lady then tells him, "If you f*ck me again, i'll give you my jeep." Again, he agrees. He tells her to open her legs and close her eyes. He grabs the third piece of corn,screws her with it until she has multiple orgasms, and throws it out the window. She then gives him the keys to her jeep and says, "the jeeps out back."

He runs out the back door, hops in the jeep, and drives around the front of the house to pick up his friends. They both jump and. One of his friends says, "man, what took you so long?" The second friend goes, "yeah, we just ate the three best pieces of butter corn ever!"

 

[spider_sense]

Three men are walking in the dessert one. They're so tired they can hardly keep going. But after a little more walking, they see a house in the distance. When they arrive to the house the first man says, "I'll see if she can help us."

So the man goes up to the door and knocks. This dirty, nasty old lady opens the door. "...ummm, my friends and I have been walking for hours. Would you mind giving us some water?" "Sure," says the old lady. So they walk into the kitchen and the lady just stares at the man. "I'll give you and your friends some water. But you have to f*ck me first," she says. The man hesitates for a minute, knowing he rather wouldn't. But, he knows his friends are probably passed out by now. He looks around and sees 3 pieces of corn on the counter. So the man agrees. "Close your eyes and open you legs," he tells her. So she does. When she opens her legs, he almost barfs all over the kitchen floor. It was probably the worst thing he's ever smelled. He then grabs the first piece of corn, screws her with it, and then throws the piece of corn out the window. "Wow, that was really nice," she says. So she gives him the water.

She then looks at him and says, "I'll give you a million dollars if you f*ck me again." Once again he agrees. He tells her the same thing, "close your eyes and open you legs." He then grabs the second piece of corn,screws her again until she orgasms, and throws it out the window. After that, she gives him the million dollars.

The lady then tells him, "If you f*ck me again, i'll give you my jeep." Again, he agrees. He tells her to open her legs and close her eyes. He grabs the third piece of corn,screws her with it until she has multiple orgasms, and throws it out the window. She then gives him the keys to her jeep and says, "the jeeps out back."

He runs out the back door, hops in the jeep, and drives around the front of the house to pick up his friends. They both jump and. One of his friends says, "man, what took you so long?" The second friend goes, "yeah, we just ate the three best pieces of butter corn ever!"

Gross...but still funny.

I have one a decent one. Here goes: A blonde walks into into a Brandsmart and goes up to one of the workers, and says "excuse me, how much for that television?" The man turns and looks at her and says, "sorry ma'am but we don't assist blondes here", so outraged, she storms out and goes home to dye her hair red.

The next day, she goes to the same place, but to a different floor salesman, and asks "How much for the T.V?" The guy rolls his eyes and says "We don't serve blondes here" so utterly completely angry, she walks out and goes home to change her hair black.

The very next day, she walks into the store and goes up to a different salesman and asks him "How much is the television?" The guy laughs and says, "sorry ma'am we don't serve blondes here" So this time the lady gets really annoyed and yells, "I've been coming to this store for the last few days, and you people refuse to sell me that T.V! I've even died my hair 2 different colors! How did you even know I was a natural blonde" So the guy looks at the woman with a smirk and says "because that's a microwave..."

Side joke: What would you call the child of Lucas and Mario?...Lucario. <---******** joke, but pretty funny regardless.

 

[Nihongo-ookami]

Here's a joke for you:

Women's rights.

 

[Sub_Scorpion7]

What did one tampon say to the other?

Nothing, they where both stuck-up b!tches!

 

[#HBC | Gorf]

If the easter bunny, santa, the tooth fairy and the smartest blonde in the world were in four corners of a square room and $1,000,000 was in the middle, who'd get it first? None, they don't exist.

What's the smartest blonde in the world? A golden retriever.

Why can't Pinocchio make it in politics? Because his nose grows when he lies. Why can't he become a lawyer? Same reason.

*Racist* Why do jews have big noses? Because air is free.

*Racist* What's the difference between a black person and a bench? The bench can support a family.

*Racist* How do you fit four gay men on a barstool? Flip it upside down.

*Sexist* Here's a good joke! Women's rights. Thanks for stealing my joke xD!

Why did the monkey fall off of the tree? Because he's dead. Why did the second one fall off? He was stapled to the first? Why did the third one fall? Peer pressure.

 

[-ACE-]

On a scale of 1 to 10

How old was Michael Jackson's boyfriend?

 

[DFEAR]

Here's a joke for you:

Women's rights.

win.

/endthread

 

[Caleb Wolfbrand]

Why don't women need to wear watches? Cause there's one on the ****in' stove...

+1 for misogyny

 

[DFEAR]

why is Helen Keller so bad at driving?

she's a woman.

=P

 

[ph00tbag]

Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off a bridge?

You would too if your name was, "Huuuurrrrng!"

 

[Player-3]

how do you mess with helen keller

give her a basketball and tell her to read it

 

[Mew2King]

What does Mango eat for cereal?

Jiggly PUFFS!

what do you get when you mix DK and the ICs?

*****!

 

[Эикельманн [РУС]]

what do you get when you mix DK and the ICs?

*****!

That was actually pretty good.

 

[Caleb Wolfbrand]

Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off a bridge?

You would too if your name was, "Huuuurrrrng!"

I actually laughed really really hard at that one

 

[Mew2King]

@ Eikel - yea I made it up less than a year after Melee came out LOL cuz I was doing smash stat lists and I abbreviated their names and was like hey look at this XD

 

[Sandtru27]

lol funniest thing m2k has done

 

[thegreatkazoo]

What does Mango eat for cereal?

Jiggly PUFFS!

what do you get when you mix DK and the ICs?

*****!

Kneeslapper!

Why were there only 10,000 Mexicans @ the Alamo?

Because they only had one truck.

 

[Gerbil]

Oh boy....

*racist* Why do Mexicans like cabbage patch kids? Because they come with birth certificates.

*racist* Why do you never hit a Mexican on a bike? Because the bike is probably yours.

*racist* What do you call a building full of Mexicans? Jail

 

[NickRiddle]

How do you torture Helen Keller?
Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

*RACISM!* Why couldn't Ray Charles read? Because he was black.

Two blondes are walking in a forest, when they come upon some tracks. The first one says, "These look like deer tracks, my dad showed them to be one time when we were camping." The second one replies, "Nope, those are totally moose tracks. MY dad showed me those when WE went camping, and I could never forget them."
They argued back and forth until they were hit by the train.

How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
Blender.
How do you get them out?
Tortilla chips.

 

[Caleb Wolfbrand]

How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
Blender.
How do you get them out?
Tortilla chips.

one of my all time favorite classics