I'm not good with names, so...... "An LoZ Fanfic" (Rated T for Teen)

[The Phazon Assassin]

This product is rated T for Teen for Mild language throughout and suggestive humor.

The year is 20X5. I live on Planet Zebes. I was born into a normal family. You know, I have a mother, a father, and a sister. We live in a normal house in a normal city. It’s a pretty standard place…well, almost. At the age of five deca-cycles, approximately ten Earth years, everyone is given a special cannon, which is placed on their arm. Chozo Lore spoke of a great invasion of aliens known as Space Pirates to attempt to overrun our planet. After various successful experiments, we all have these cannons, which allow us to shoot “Power Beams.” With certain upgrades, we can shoot other types of beams, and Missiles as well. Also, there is a Power Suit for each of us, but only in case of emergency. It provides greatly improved defense and we can morph into a little ball and drop small bombs. But, back to my story.

The cannon is only capable of shooting very small rounds, incapable of doing any damage. This is to allow us to get accustomed to our new weapon. Once we have received sufficient training, we are given an upgrade to the standard, quick firing Power Beam. Fast forward to about a deca-cycle later. I am given the upgrade and prepare to calibrate my targeting system. I attempt to fire a round, but nothing happens. They tell me that this is common. I’m pointed to a machine that diagnoses any and all cannon related problems. Before I insert my cannon, disaster strikes. A ship of unknown origin lands on the surface of our planet. Dozens of creatures emerge and begin attacking. Everyone retreats to acquire their Power Suits. I still had no firepower, so I wouldn’t survive, even with the suit. They decided to send me to another time period. If I was sent to another planet, the Space Pirates would simply track me down and eliminate me there. I was brought to a time capsule that was built in case of emergency. Before I left, my sister gave me something.

“I made this for you. I was going to give it to you in celebration of receiving your arm cannon, but….” She gave me a bracelet with the letters T, U, S, and M on it, which are the first letters of our names. “The word TUSM means power.”

“Thank you,” I said as I put it on. Before I enter the capsule, the Space Pirates invade the building we were in.

“Get in!! We’ll hold off these Space Pirates!” I get into the machine. There’s a set of clothes inside, conveniently my size. Coincedence? Maybe.

“I’ll miss you, big sis.” She was the S. She set the coordinates and closed the door. She entered the time setting. Five hundred deca-cycles was just enough to avoid any way of being traced or followed. I left my home planet, possibly for the rest of my life. Seconds later, the pod stops. When I landed, I had no idea what was waiting for me on the other side of the door. Before I exited the pod, I put on the clothes sitting in the pod for me, a dark blue scarf which completely covers my hair, a long sleeved white shirt, which is tucked into my still inactive cannon, a black, short-sleeved button-up shirt, and a pair of similarly colored Khakis. A pair of thick black boots complete the simple ensemble. Primitive, yes, but that’s the least of my problems. The pod’s self-destruct sequence was activated. This was to destroy any evidence and it would be even more difficult to trace. I leave the capsule and hide behind a tree. There was a huge explosion, but luckily, no one was around to hear it. I look around and I see nothing but trees everywhere. I wonder where I’m at, or even when I’m at. Am I even on the same planet? Where do I go? What do I do?
Someone answers those last two questions for me.

“You there!” Some guy screamed over at me. “What’s the meaning of this?” Referring to the explosion, I guess.

“It was…an accident.”

“Accident my ass!!” He charges toward me with a sword over his head. I don’t know what to do. I panic, close my eyes, and point my arm forward.

BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!!! Both of us get knocked backwards. I get up and see the guy lying on the ground, about fifteen feet away. I try to figure out what happened. I have never seen a cannon produce something so powerful…and loud. Not without an upgrade, anyway. That, I believe, was a Super Missile, a much more potent version of the normal Missile. I have no clue how I fired one with no upgrades whatsoever. I approach the guy who is unconscious, but alive, and I take his cape in a rather futile attempt to hide my power.

“What’s going on over there?” A group of similarly dressed folk show up. As far as they know, I killed one of their members. Instead of fighting, I run. Fast. Really fast. They engage pursuit. After running through this forest, the trees clear and there’s a large canyon, about fifty feet across. I can’t stop since I don’t really know how to use my cannon, and they’ll end me if I stay. So, I take a leap of faith. They stop at the edge of the cliff to watch me fall to my death. It looked as if I would. I was about ten feet short, though that was an impressive jump itself. I don’t want to die this early, so I gather all my strength and hope for the best. A few seconds later, I’m on the other side, as if I jumped from mid-air. Nice.

“Now what, losers!” I can tease them if I want. I’m only six deca-cycles…ohh, that’s twelve earth years. What do you expect? “What’cha gonna do now?” I’ll tell you what. They all whip out bows, like magic. I turn to run and WHAM!!!! Someone knocked me out. Cold.

When I wake up, I’m surrounded by people wearing green clothing, which look like little dresses, and they’re carrying swords on their backs, some with shields as well. I feel threatened so I jump to my feet.

“Relax, young one. You are safe here.” I turn to face the guy who said that. I assume he’s the king. He looks like it, sitting in his throne and all.

“Where am I?”

“The great land of Hyrule and this is the Kokiri Forest. Now, what were you doing battling that Gerudo?”

“Gerudo? What’s a Gerudo?”

“The guy you killed.” The dude next to the king said that. I would take a guess and say that was the guy who decked me. Little suck up. Look at me, I do stuff for the king and he likes me the most. Jerk.

“Killed? I didn’t kill him!”

“Is that his cape?” asked the king.

“Well, yeah, but…I needed it.” I look down at the ground.

“What for?” There’s no use in hiding it. Besides, I couldn’t think of a good lie. I expose my arm.

“What is that?” the king questions.

“It’s a, uhh, an arm cannon.” Everyone surrounds me and pummels me.

With questions.

“That’ll be enough.” As the king orders, they all step back. “So, what does this thing do?”

“I can shoot really powerful Missiles, and make huge explosions.” I got a little too excited. Everyone screams. “No, no, I haven’t really got it working right yet.”

“What is your name, young man?” I pause for a bit. “Would it be TUSM?”

“Hunh?”

“Your bracelet,” he points out.

“Oh yeah, TUSM.”

“It is unsafe for someone such as yourself to go out there alone. I invite you to stay with us for as long as you need.”

“Thank you. I need a place to call home.” They gave me a room to take shelter in. I had no idea who these people were, but they allowed me into their little civilization. They all seemed to be around my age, so I felt at ease. That night, before I went to sleep, that kid came in.

“Hey, can I talk to you?” he asks.

“Sure, I guess.”

“Just so you know, that wasn’t me who hit you.”

“Really?” I respond.

“Yes. It was someone named Cross. I didn’t know what he was going to do to you, so I stepped in and saved you.”

“Thanks…I guess.”

“Well, I hope you enjoy your stay. By the way, My Name Is Jonas…no, I’m joking. It’s Link.” Then, he promptly leaves. Over the next few weeks, I watched these people train. I also watched their sparring matches. These guys were pretty fierce. At one point, I picked up a stick and started mocking them. I thought I was pretty good. Then, someone interrupted.

“TUSM.” I froze. “The king has summoned you.” I had no idea what the king wanted, especially with lil ‘ole me. I entered the king’s room.

“TUSM, I would like to tell you something.”

“OK.” I sit down.

“We have been searching for a weapon known as the Master Sword, the most powerful blade in our world. One at a time, we begin our search. It is a very treacherous journey, however, and to this day, we have yet to find it.”

“So what happens when you…fail?”

“Every Kokiri has a small fairy that resurrects them when they are defeated. But, once it is used, it is gone forever.”

“Wait…they don’t go out to risk dying again, right?” I ask.

“No, they are teleported back here to give us any information vital to our success.”

“Is anyone else looking for it?”

“Everyone else is looking for it. However, what they do not know is that no matter how strong your are, the sword will not budge, lest your heart is pure.” At least, that's what it sounded like. I was kinda in and out, so I may have missed a few details, but whatever, right?

“So.” I stand up. “Where do I come in…exactly?”

“One of our people has invited you to join him in his journey.”

“Really? Me?” Why me, I thought. “Who is it?”

“That would be me.” Link walks in.

“You want me to come?”

“Of course. If you could get that arm thing working, we’d be unstoppable.”

“Here take these.” The king gave me the green article of clothing called a tunic and one of their funky little hats. I wasn’t a big fan of the hat, but it’s something I’ll have to accept. Also, I received a small sword.

“Are you ready?”

“I am ‘good to go.’”

Making a long story short, we battle to find the Master Sword. We were directed to three dungeons, conquered all of them, and received a sort of jewel afterwards. Link did most of the work, but I did fire a few Missiles, but only at crucial points. We then go to what is known as the Temple of Time. Why is it called the Temple of Time? No clue. We place the jewels in their appropriate slots and a door opens, revealing the Master Sword…you know, that didn’t seem so hard. I don’t know what the king was complaining about. Even without my Missiles, I could have done this myself.

“Can you believe it? We really did it,” he boasts.

“Yeah, we made it.” I replied.

“I don’t think I would have made it without your help.”

“Come on, you’re just saying that.”

“No, I mean it. You saved my life a few times back there.” This guy is a wimp. I bet I could take him. “And, now that we’re through, you’re through!” At that moment, he impales me. Right through the heart. He took the term backstabber a bit too literally. If he had given me a chance…I could’ve taken him.

“How (cough) could you…” I fall to the ground.

“We all have to make sacrifices. It just so happens to be you. I almost feel bad…almost. Heh heh heh.” Is this it for me? Is TUSM done for? Is it…

GAME OVER?



“Gasp!” I take a huge breath of air, hence the word “Gasp!”

“Hey guys, he’s up!” Everyone runs in. I’m back in the Kokiri Forest.

“How did I get here? Why am I not dead?”

“We put a fairy in your new outfit.”

“Wow, I don’t know what to say.”

“Where’s Link?” They ponder.

“I don’t know. After he stabbed me, I…”

“He stabbed you? No way!”

“Yes, we were in front of the Master Sword, and he…”

“You found the Master Sword?!”

“Yes, we…”

“We must tell the king!” Everyone leaves. I’m not important. I guess I don’t exist. I stand to my feet and enter the king’s room.

“They tell me that the Master Sword has been found. Is this true, TUSM?”

“Yes, it is.”

“They also tell me that Link betrayed you.”

“Also correct,” I respond.

“But that doesn’t sound like him.” “He would never do such a thing.” The Kokiris went a little crazy.

“Well, explain my death just a few feet from the Master Sword.”

“Hmm, that is odd,” said the king.

“So what now?” they inquire.

“If this is true, we must find Link. I will send three of our strongest Kokiris to search for him. You will leave tomorrow at dawn.” That night, I couldn’t sleep a wink. I felt something weird in my right arm. Early the next morning, I went outside and started thinking.

“Link.” BOOM.

“Link.” BOOM.

“Link.” BOOM. Someone shows up.

“TUSM, we’ve been looking all over for you.” He takes me inside. The king addresses me.

“TUSM, you stay behind. Everyone else, leave at once.” The three Kokiris have already left to find Link. The others leave the room and it’s just me and the king.

“What were you doing out there?” He asks.

“Just, uhhh, blowing off some steam.”

“I understand what you went through, but revenge is not the way of our people.”

“OK, but, why am I still here?”

“Though you are a good swordsman, you are untrained, lacking any experience or technique. It would be unsafe for you to go out alone without any real practice. I shall teach you the way of the blade.”

“Do you always give one-on-one training?”

“Actually, this will be the first.”

He taught me everything he knew. The training was hard, rigorous, and painful, but I persevered and grew into a strong man. At the age of nineteen, it was time for the ultimate test: a fight to the death. Cliché? Yes. Effective? Yes. Before we started, I reverted back to my original clothing. Yes they fit. How? I’ll take the easy way out and say “futuristic technology.” The fight begins. We fought and fought. There were clashes and clangs for what seemed like hours. Without the use of my cannon, except as an effective shield, it was difficult to bring him down. After every miss, he was already counter-attacking. Amazingly, I found myself defending all of his attacks. Finally, I nail him and I get him in position.

“Go ahead. Finish me.” Of course, I couldn’t do it.

“Why do you want this so badly?”

“It’s the only way for me to know that you are a true swordsman. Besides, I’m 86 years old. It’s time for me to go anyway.” Per his wish, I finish him. How? It’s…not important. Just know that it’s done.

“You have done well.” He dies and his spirit appears. “Now listen very closely. Ever since the Master Sword has been found, everyone has turned their attention to another sword, just as powerful as the Master Sword. It is known as the Falcon Sword.”

“Sweet.”

“It is the polar opposite of the Master Sword. We Kokiris do not have the will power to wield this blade.”

“OK. Where is it?”

“It is located underneath my throne. I knew at some point the Master Sword would be found and I didn’t want this sword getting into the wrong hands.”

“So you hid it here?” I ask.

“Yes. When you touch it, you will be overrun with a dark energy. You are strong enough to overcome part of this evil power, whereas we are not.”

“Oh, I see.”

“However,” he adds, “you will always have a dark side.”

“Hmph. And, there’s no way around this?”

“If you are to take down Link, you must wield this sword.”

“But, I thought revenge wasn’t…”

“You must hurry.” His spirit disappears. I moved his throne, jumped down into a small corridor, and approach the sword. The sword is completely black. When I grab its hilt, which features a bird’s wide open beak and an open talon at the end, it looks as if I’m strangling a bird. As I remove it from the pedestal, I feel that dark energy he was referring to. It traveled all throughout my body. Also, after I touched it, the sword emitted a dark blue aura. I return to the surface…or above ground anyway.

“Remember, that sword is highly sought after. When people find out that you have it, they will attempt to take that sword, and they will use force. Be careful.”

“Thank you for everything.” It was a little sad to leave my second “home.” I start to leave. “Wait. Can I ask you something?”

“Of course.”

“Did you let me win?” Silence. “Did you…Hello??” Nothing. “Hmph. What a time for the silent treatment, hunh?” I start to leave. Then, I hear footsteps. The Kokiri’s were told not to enter unless Link was found. I guess they found him. And here I am. Looking 100% evil. Standing over The Kokiri’s king. And he’s not breathing. Could this look any worse? I didn’t think so. Before I can do anything, they find me.

“TUSM? Is that you?” one of them asks.

“Uhh, I…uhhh…” Man, I’m losing my edge.

“It is you!” I guess I looked different because I actually grew. They stayed the same size throughout these seven years. They all run toward me preparing to embrace me when they finally see the king.

“W-What happened? Is he…dead?”

“I…uhh…crap.”

“You did this?! I thought we were friends!!” Great, now I feel bad.

“You planned this all along didn’t you?”

“No, this was part of my training.”

“Liar!!! We went through the same training! We never had to kill the king.”

“Yeah, otherwise he’d be dead, like, a jillion times.” Well said.

“Well, see, he offered me…screw it.” I shoot a Missile at the ceiling then jump up. On the way up, I hope the Missile actually breaks through, which it did. I go through the hole and leave the Kokiri Forest. If first impressions are everything, I’m not looking too good right now.

This…is My Curse.


Well, this is the beginning of the fanfic that I mentioned in the "Write Gooder" topic. The structure itself seems ok, but overall I know I'm capable of so much more. The story seems a bit confusing, but I think later on it becomes easier to follow. I still haven't come up with a final FINAL draft, so I'm still editing bits and pieces of it. Also, you've noticed the names of several Guitar Hero 3 songs, right? I did this throughout the entire story. I don't remember why, I think it was a joke me and my friend came up with. He was reading it and noticed the name of a few songs during the initial write-up, so I just continued to add more and more.

Anyways, I'm open to any and all suggestions, critiques, all that stuff. I really want to improve on this story, my future stories, and my writing in general. If there seems to be enough interest, I'll post another section later on. I want to do it regardless, but if people want it, then I'll have incentive to continue.

Thank you for your time.

 

[Spydr Enzo]

Great fanfic, I like the incorporation of Metroid qualities and concepts into the world of the Legend of Zelda, particularly taking place during the Ocarina of Time. I like the character TUSM, very unique and interesting name. His personality and thought give the story a "flavor," if you know what I mean. And, just to make things clear, TUSM is the brother of Samus, right?

Anyway, I didn't really notice the Guitar Hero 3 songs, but that is definitely a unique and interesting writing style, you should continue that trend throughout the story.

Overall, I'd rate the story so far a 4/5.

 

[The Phazon Assassin]

Ooo, I have a fan. Now, the real challenge begins, keeping him entertained.



After traveling for a couple of months, I realize something. There’s not much to do here. I wish for just a few minutes I had my Playstation 62 or my XBox 20,520. Oh, and some electricity. I’ve just been so bored. No one to talk to, no kind of action, nothing.

Someone must have been listening. Up ahead, I hear a female shout.

“Help!!” I run forward to the edge of a cliff. There’s someone standing over a woman wearing a long, sleeveless white dress with pink highlights. She also has on white gloves, stopping above her elbow. It looks like he’s about to kill her. I spring into action. I jump off the cliff, preparing to land on the guy. Of course, he moves.

“What’s going on here?” I ask in a heroic voice.

“None of your business!” the guy replies. “Say, you look familiar.”

“Yeah, I get that a lot….wait.” I noticed his sword. “Link?” Now he was fully grown, not like the Kokiris. Why was that?

“Yes…how’d you know?” At that moment, I charge at him. I swing my sword, he dodges. After a few more swipes and misses, I attack with a strong, overhead attack. He blocks and there’s a brief standoff. I’ll be using this term a lot. A standoff is one of those moments where two people clash swords and they stare at each other. Not like that…unless, you know, they’re into that stuff, I mean, I don’t mind…wait, back to the story!

“That’s some fancy swordplay.” He sees my bracelet. “TUSM?!”

“Psh. Took you long enough.” He instantly vanishes. I see if the young woman is OK. “Are you alright?”

“Yes, I’m fine, thank you. Where have you two met?”

“Seven years ago, I helped him find the Master Sword. Then, he killed me.”

“…” She wonders what I’m talking about.

“I mean he…tried to.”

“Sounds horrible.”

“Yeah, well, once you experience death, everything else is just… ordinary.”

“That’s very interesting. Oh, my name is Zelda. This may sound sudden, but could you teach me a few things?”

“You mean train you to be a swordsman, err, swordswoman?”

“Yes, so I can fend off people like him.”

“Hmm, I don’t know,” I respond.

“Please, I promise I won’t let you down.”

“It’s not that I don’t want to. I’ve never done anything like this.”

“Well, there’s a first time for everything, right?” She raised a good point. I guess it couldn’t hurt. She won’t know about my cannon and she would be the first company I’d have in a while.

“OK, I’ll do it.”

“Thank you so much.” Over the next week, I taught her the basics, both defensive and offensive maneuvers. She was actually pretty good. She had a lot of potential. She may actually give Link a run for his money…at some point. One morning, I woke up and she was nowhere to be found. I look around for a bit and I notice her and Link, but this time, they’re getting along just fine. I don’t know what exactly is going on but I break it up with a Missile.

“What the hell is going on?!” I ask.

“None of your damn business!” says Link.

“You’re lucky you’re all the way down there!” Following that statement, there’s a blinding flash. Seconds later, they surround me. She’s pointing a bright, yellow arrow at me, and he’s carrying a big ass hammer.

“Now what are you going to do?” asks Zelda.

“I’m confused. What was that mess you went through before?”

“It’s called a setup. I used her to get you to train her and teach her everything you know so I know everything I need to know to take you down.”

“Unfortunately, I understood that. But, there’s just one problem.”

“And that is?” Zelda asks.

“You see, I may have taught you everything YOU know, but you don’t know everything I know.”

“We already know about your cannon,” Zelda boasts.

“Well, what else do you know?” I ask. “Wait, don’t answer that. Let’s discuss it, over dinner…at sunset?”

“Go to hell!”

“It was worth a shot. Anyway, Link, Zelda, I bid you adieu.”

“What? You aren’t going anywhere!” says Link.

“That’s what you think.” Here's something I've been working on during my training wih the Kokiri King. I use my cape to roll into a small ball. I then create a large explosion. For all intensive purposes, let’s call it a Power Bomb. I use this to roll away without being seen. It requires a lot of energy to do, however. But, I’m free…for now anyway. Link and Zelda look around for me.

“What…was that?”

“I don’t know.” Zelda responds. “Where did he go?”

“I have no clue. This is no ordinary human. He’s tough, but we can bring him down.”


With Link and Zelda holding a bounty over my head and the inevitable realization that I killed the Kokiri’s king, I am rapidly becoming Hyrule’s Most Wanted. Not to mention the Gerudo cape I have. And, to top it all off, I have the highly sought after Falcon Sword.

Life is great.

“And eets funny because heez life is really crappy.” …Boom. “Ohhh.” Anyway, I walk into a marketplace, even though I have no money. Quite honestly, I don’t even know what their unit of currency is. I should resort to thievery, but the townsfolk here are so nice. Seriously. It looks like no one knows about my background. I’ll let them slide. I’ll be nice. I go around, meeting and greeting various people. Then, I hear a scream, then another, and a few more. Next thing you know, the entire town is in chaos. I finally see why. There’s a loud hissing coming from a bomb, crawling across the ground and it’s heading right toward me. I move, only to find several more similar bombs. I hop, skip, and jump my way to safety. Some weird man gets in my face.

“Get outta here!! We’re all gonna DIE!!” He runs off screaming. ******. After the smoke clears (I’m gonna be saying that a lot), the marketplace is empty. I wonder who could have done this. Someone wants me dead. And I don’t think it came from a Kokiri. Or a Gerudo…or Link. But, I’ve been wrong before.

“TUSM must die!” Someone on top of a roof yells down at me. “TUSM will die!” He lets out an evil cackle. It almost hurt.

“Who are you?” He doesn’t answer and jumps off of the building. He has a sword and begins wildly swinging it. His technique is horrible and I easily weave in and out between strikes.

“You know (whoosh) I suggest (whoosh) you stop before (whoosh) I kill you.” He lets out a few more swings. I block the last one. “You asked for it.” With a quick motion, I remove my sword from my cape, behead him, SCHWING, and sheathe my sword.

“I tried to warn you.” Just before I walk away, he grabs my left arm. “What the…” He picks up his head and puts it back on his shoulders. His clothes disintegrate. He’s a mummy.

“Holy crap!” I break free and slice him in half. I run for a bit. I turn around to see if he’s done. He’s not. He…picks himself up. No one’s around, so I nail him with a Super Missile. He explodes into a million pieces…I always wanted to say that. I left the marketplace before anyone found out what I just did. As I wander away from society, my thoughts turned to my family. I wonder how they did against the Space Pirates. Did they survive? Are the Space Pirates the new rulers of Planet Zebes? I doubt it. My people were prepared for that. They were too powerful. They’re fine. I know it. I approach this sign saying “Lake Hylia ahead.” That sounds like a good place to relax. I walk toward the lake. It’s actually a beautiful, tranquil place. I Lay Down by the lake.

“Man, me and this place just don’t get along. I haven’t met anyone who didn’t want to kill me, or who wasn’t chased away by some mummy and his crawling bombs. There’s Nothing For Me Here and I have no real purpose. Maybe I should just…end it now…” I get up and look into the water at my reflection. “Man, I almost forgot about you. You’re the only person I can trust. I’m glad I still got you.” I see a second face appear in the water. I look around. I stand up and look some more.

“Is anyone there?” Suddenly, someone throws some playing cards at my feet. Yes, playing cards. Then, they explode, creating a large smoke screen. I use my cape to cover my face. When the smoke clears, Link appears in front of me.

“I see you decided to show up again,” I say.

“Hopefully, for the last time.” He runs at me. I block his first swing. “OK, let’s go.” I unsheathe my sword and swing. He blocks with his shield. As we continue to fight, I notice he’s holding back. I see an opening and strike, but he dodges, counterattacks, and nearly hits me. He cuts a vertical slash through my cape, top to bottom, almost splitting it completely in two.

“Damn you!!” I strike with an incredibly fast swipe. He barely gets his sword up to block and I cut straight through it. “Grrr?”

“Holy crap.”

“Who the hell are you?” He removes his mask. “What is this? Is this some type of game?”

“No. My name is Cross.”

“Whoa, whoa. Did you say…Cross.”

“Yes, I am of the Sheikah tribe. It is our obligation to protect Princess Zelda. Therefore, I am ordered to terminate you.”

“So why in the hell are you dressed up as Link?”

“To avoid revealing my true identity, but that didn’t work out as I wished.”

“I’m sick of this mess.” I go in for the kill. He drops his shield and whips out a chain. He attempts to grab me but I roll to the side.

“Hmm, very nice,” I compliment.

“Shall we continue?” We continue to battle. His chain gives him great
reach, so I can’t get close enough to attack. I prepare to shoot him. He swings his chain right at my cannon. I block it with my sword and after what seemed like hocus-pocus, it creates a giant, tangled knot. He’s completely stuck. My sword is as well, but my right arm is still free.

“Not bad. I feel like I know you…Wait, how’d you know about my arm?”

“I saw the Re-Dead incident.”

“Re-Dead…oh, the mummy…So YOU were behind that?”

“Yes.” He responds.

“So, these ‘Sheikahs.’ They want me eliminated as well?”

“Only to protect the Princess.”

“Yet another clan wants me dead. This is ridiculous, but pathetic at the same time. Soon, this entire world is gonna be out to get me, if they’re not already. Well, I have other plans. It was fun while it lasted, but I’m finishing this.”

“Not if I can help it!” I turn around and Link is running at me with that big ass hammer.

“Oh man…” I didn’t have enough time to shoot. SHBLAM!!! That’s the sound of that big ass hammer hitting my head, planting my face into the ground. Pwned.


“(Cough cough) Ahem. Where am I?” I look around. I’m chained up and I can’t move my cannon, which is pointing right at my head. There’s nothing in this dark room. Just a torch keeping the room dimly lit. I see a door in front of me with a figure in front of it.

“Hey, get me outta here!” I demand.

“Negative.”

“Hey, is that you Cross?”

“Correct,” he replies.

“So…what is this place? A torture chamber?”

“Do you ever shut up?”

“Uhh, no. Seriously, get me down,” I COM-mand.

“Now, why would I do something like that?” He asks.

“‘Cause, if you don’t, you shall pay. Let me out, or else.” He turns around.

“Or else what?”

“I have the potential to destroy this entire planet. If I’m going to die, I may as well take out a few million people.”

“No…you’re bluffing.” He turns back around.

“OK, well, yeah, but I can do this.” I go into Morph Ball mode and drop my Power Bomb. The guy watches the explosion and runs in. He’s not wearing the Link get up this time. He has on a black chain mail top with some matching pants, stopping at his shins.

“Where’d you go?!” He looks around for me. I run and deck him with my cannon. Finally. I get to knock someone out. I chain him up.

“Wait a minute…that’s why your name sounds so familiar. It was
you. YOU smacked me upside my head! Oh, that was so long ago. You’re lucky I don’t end you now.” I leave the room. I look right. Dead end. I look left. I see Link and Zelda holding those shiny arrows. I reach for my sword.

“Grrr? Where’s my…”

“You can’t possibly think we’re that stupid.” Zelda says.

“Good point.” Thinking…thinking…the walls are weak…got it. I shoot a Missile at the floor and it creates a lot of debris. They shoot their arrows, but I break through the wall to avoid them. Unfortunately, I fall down about thirty feet. I land safely, but the room doesn’t look very inviting. The ground is covered in dirt. There are headstones here and there. I stand up and examine the room some more. Then, the torch flames vanish and the room is nearly pitch black, as if my eyesight wasn’t bad enough. The room starts shaking. Out of a classic horror film, hands reach up through the dirt.

“This is unbelievable.” About a dozen of those Re-Deads emerge. “Here we go…again…” I begin to blast them. I got about ten of them, then something weird happens. I froze. I literally froze.

“What is going…on?” They slowly approach me. One hops on my back and tries to bite me.

“Damnit!” I throw him over my shoulders into the ground. I grab the other two in my arms, throw them onto the first mummy, jump up, and blast them. Game over.

“Even without my sword, I still rock.” A treasure chest appears in the middle of the room. More of that Hyrule magic. “What could this be?” I open the chest. Inside is a lens. Kind of pink and purple. I pick it up.

“Interesting.” I look through it. “I don’t get it. It doesn’t turn anything pink or purple.” After looking around, I see that Cross character walking in my direction. “Hey you!” I move the lens and he, and the hallway he was walking down, disappears.

“Hunh?” I look through the lens and there he is. “Oh, I get it. I can see through walls and stuff…Hey, where’s that Zelda chick?” I look up and he’s gone. Using his chain, he snatches the lens.

“I’ll take that if you don’t mind.”

“I DO mind!” I run at him, forgetting I don’t have my sword. “Crap.” He grabs my leg and trips me.

“I should’ve seen that coming.” A hand comes out of the ground. “Again? Are you SERIOUS!?” Cross nails it with a playing card. I get up and watch a large monster appear. Huge. He disappears.

“…Gimme that!” I grab the lens. I figure if I can see through fake things that look real, maybe I can see real things that look fake. Makes sense. I look through and see the monster. I hit him with a Missile. He barely flinches.

“Damn, what is this thing?” Cross tosses a card and knocks the lens out of my hand. I start to run, but he grabs my leg again. “Rrrrr!” I thrust my leg forward and he’s flying toward me, fist first. He punches me and knocks me on my back. He grabs the lens.

“Oh, I see what to do.” He throws some cards in what looks like a random direction. Then, the monster screams. Suddenly, three arms appear from the ground and grab him. “What the…” Soon, dozens of these arms emerge.

“Holy sh…” An arm grabs me. I shake it off and jump onto the treasure chest. The arms drop Cross to the ground. The lens flies from his hand to mine.

“Pretty convenient, hunh?”

“Can you just do something?” He asks.

“See, this is what we call karma.” I look through the lens and watch the monster move in for the kill.

“You’re about to get it now.” Little did I know I was about to get the same. Out of nowhere, I get hit in the face with one of those shiny arrows. It wasn’t just an arrow; it had some weird, crazy strong energy. The lens shattered. Excruciating pain followed. How did it happen? Where did it come from? I don’t really know. I fall to the ground, holding the left side of my face. The monster vanished somehow.

“That was WAY too close for my liking,” Cross says. Then, I hear Link’s voice.

“What are you waiting for? Finish him.”

“I may want him dead as much as you do, but even I have principles.” I let myself drop to the ground.

“What?” asks Zelda.

“I can’t hit an opponent while he’s injured. I’m an honorable fighter.”

“I see. Well, either you do it, or I will,” Link says.

“Go right ahead.” I don’t know what happened after that, but I hear someone drop, probably Cross. I hear footsteps coming toward me. Link and Zelda pick me up.

“I don’t know how, but we could somehow utilize his foreign technology and use it to our advantage.”

“I don’t see why,” Link scoffs. “We were just fine without him. For all we knew, he didn’t even exist.”

“Exactly, we didn’t know. Now that he’s under our control, we could conquer all of Hyrule.”

“…That sounds…good.” Coming out of my fake coma, I snatch Zelda by her neck and point my cannon to her head.

“Do anything stupid and she dies, you got that? Take me to my sword, NOW!!”

“You wouldn’t dare,” says Link.

“Try me.”

“Just do it,” Zelda commands.

“(sigh) Fine.” They take me to a door. Just a door.

“So what? Is it in there?” I ask.

“Yes, I promise,” Zelda responds.

“Open it.” The door opens. I do see the sword. I lower my cannon. Link nods his head. Before I can react, Zelda grabs my arm, throws me in front of her, and kicks me into the room. The door locks behind me. I start banging on the door.

“Crap…I taught her that.” After closer examination, I see that my sword is floating in the air. “Whoa, am I hallucinating?” I rub my eyes. A pedestal appears. Also, there’s an “air moat” as well. If I had walked up to it, I’d fall and probably die.

“Where did that come from?” I cover my left eye. It’s gone. “Grrr?” I uncover my eye. There it is.

“Do I have a piece of glass…in my EYE!?!? Wait, this could be a good thing. I could see traps and other things invisible to the naked eye.” I hop over the gap and grab my sword. Now, I just have to figure out a way out of here. No openings, the gap seems to go down forever, and the walls are like solid concrete.

“This won’t be easy.” I jump over to the other side. “There’s gotta be something.” Even with my “glass eye,” I don’t see anything. I walk around, tapping the wall. Then, I hear a ting, as if the wall is weak here.

“Hmmm?” I tap it some more. Ting, ting. I step back and blast the wall, revealing an opening.

“See that? You can’t contain me.” I go through the tunnel. It leads to what is best described as a church, a cathedral of sorts. There’s a large chandelier hanging from the incredibly high ceiling, as if it could hang from something else. There’s a grand piano in the far corner, and there’s stained glass windows all around the walls. Along the walls are shelves filled with numerous bottles of different colored liquids. In the center of the room is a few, ummm, monks, wearing those thick brown robes that cloak their entire body. I don’t know if they’re hostiles or not, so I approach them cautiously.

“Why, hello there.” Guy’s voice. Doesn’t sound bad.

“Uhh, hi…what is this place?”

“This is where people come to heal themselves after being inflicted by the Re-Deads.” A second guy.

“It looks like you could use some medical attention.”

“Grrr? How can you tell?” I ask.

“Well, for starters, your eye.” The third is a female’s voice.

“My eye? How do you know about my eye?”

“It’s…pretty obvious.” Monk #2 tosses me a mirror that just so happened to be on his person. I look into it.

“Ahhhh!!” I drop the mirror. My left eye was completely purple.

“Now do you see? Heh heh, do you see?” The monks chuckle a bit.

“Funny. There’s a logical explanation. See, while using a special lens that lets you see certain things…”

“Ah yes, the Lens of Truth,” the girl interrupts.

“Lens of Truth?”

“Yes, I am sure this is what you speak of. It allows ordinary people to see extraordinary things.”

“Well, someone fired an arrow at me and shattered the lens. Now, there’s a piece of glass embedded in my eye, but I didn’t realize my eye looked like that. Eww.”

“So, you can see the impossible?”

“Yep, but through one eye only.”

“Look out of that window and tell me what you see.” I walk to the window. Nothing.

“Uhh, guys, I don’t see anything. Nothing at all.” I turn around and the robes have been left on the floor, empty. “Come on, I don’t need any more of this inviso-crap.” I look around and I spot someone on the chandelier.

“How’d you get up there so fast?” I ask.

“That’s not important.” Monk #3 jumps down. “Now find the other two.”

“Is this some kind of twisted amusement you get from innocent people like me?”

“Well, uhhh, yes, but it doesn’t work so well when the person can actually see us.” I look a bit more.

“There’s one on the piano.”

“Bravo.” Monk #1 approaches me. “Just one more.” I look some more. I see the third person up in a far away corner at the end of the chapel. I pretend not to see him.

“I can’t find him anywhere.” When I turn my back, he jumps down, attempting to land on top of me. I roll backwards just before he lands, grab his arm, and I twist it behind his back. Not hard enough to hurt him, of course. I’m not THAT bad.

“Yeah, I knew you were there.” I let him go. “Now, may I ask what was the purpose of this?”

“How do you feel right now?” Monk #2 asks.

“I feel good, kinda relaxed.”

“And, what happened to you a few moments ago?” asks Monk #1.

“Well, I…I…oh, I get it.”

“See, sometimes you just need to kick back and have some fun. Also, close your left eye.” I close it.

“Hey, I can…kinda see you.” It seemed the more I train my right eye, the more it adapts.
“Wait, how can you see each other?”

“Years and years of training.” It just clicked. They knew about what just happened.

“Umm, did you see what happened in that other room.”

“Yes, we did.”

“Well, I…uhhhh.”

“Don’t worry,” Monk #1 says. “Your secret is safe with us.”

“Thank you so much. Really.”

“It’s no problem. Hey, why don’t you stay with us for a bit? You could use some rest, and we could have your eyes seeing…eye to eye.” The monks chuckle again.

“I’ll stay, but only if you stop those cheesy jokes.” They did. One of them walked over to the shelves and took one of the red fluids.

“Here, drink this,” Monk #1 offers. “This potion will revitalize your strength and mind.” Revitalize…I like that word.

“Ummm, I kinda have a rule about consuming foreign beverages.”

“Trust us, it’ll make you feel a lot better.”

“Well…” I take the potion. “Bottoms up.” I drink it. It didn’t taste like cherry, which is what I was expecting. “Mmm, not bad.” After a few seconds, I start to feel rejuvenated…that’s a nice word too. Rejuvenated.

“Feeling better?” Monk #3 asks.

“Actually, yeah. A lot better. Since we’re on the subject, what are the other potions for?”

“The green potions refill your magic energy.”

“Uh hunh.” I had no clue what he was talking about.

“This is a little hard to explain.”

“No need to. What about blue?”

“The blue potion is a combination of the red and green potions.”

“Cool. What’s that yellow one there for? And why is there only one up there?”

“Well, we don’t actually know,” Monk #2 replies. “We were experimenting with an elixir that could double someone’s strength, but we have no idea if it worked.”

“We’re afraid to ask someone to…”

“I’ll try it.”

“I thought you had a rule against drinking foreign beverages.”

“That was now, this is then.”

“…What?” they ask.

“I know what I said…and that’s all that matters.”

“Do you really want to try this?” Monk #3 asks. “For all we know, it could instantly kill you.”

“Well, it’s happened before, so it can’t be that bad.” They give me the juice. “I’ll save it for later, when I really need it.” I stayed there for a few days. After a few more games of hide and seek, my right eye caught up with my left. Before I left, the monks came to me.

“Before you go, we would like you to have this.” It’s one of their robes. I try it on.

“Hmmm, can you see me?”

“Uhhh, it doesn’t make you invisible,” Monk #3 says.

“I know that, I mean can you tell it’s me?”

“Ohh. No, you’re completely covered.”

“Sweet.” I take it off and put it in my cape…it’s magic, I don’t know.

“Please feel free to visit us sometime,” Monk #2 says.

“But, next time…use the door.” They point to the door.

“Uhh, yeah, about that…well, you know what happened!”

“Yep.” They all say collectively. I leave the church. I feel even stronger than I did before. This new found power that the monks help me discover will allow me to destroy anyone who opposes me. Link…shall perish…


Alright, alright, I like it. Now, the Cross character that we see here. That is my friend's character he made up. He's kinda like the second main character. At one point, he was actually going to rewrite the story from his point of view, but he got lazy, so......yeah.

Spydr Enzo, to answer your questions, yes TUSM is the brother of Samus. As for the GH3 songs, I had them italized in the original copy, so they may not seem as obvious, but they're there. So far, there's only been four, but there's many more where that came from.

Questions, comments, post away.

 

[who8theburrito]

Lol really long story. i might as well start reading :d

 

[The Phazon Assassin]

Well, I think it's about time for another installment, don't you think?


I continue my journey, or should I say wandering through this land of Hyrule. Now, either there’s forest everywhere, or I keep entering the same one. Whatever the situation may be, I’m traveling through trees…yet again. This time around, it’s a bit thicker, with plants and shrubs everywhere. I know about preserving wildlife and all that jazz, but we gotta draw the line somewhere. I start to cut my way through. It’s too bad I only have Missiles. If I had my Plasma Beam, I’d be out of here in seconds. I’d just burn my way through. Continuing to hack n’ slash my way through, I finally find a way out of the woods…sort of. There’s a large open area, as if someone cleared out a section of trees. There’s a small house up ahead. I walk inside…no one’s here. With all the dust that has accumulated, it looks like it’s been abandoned for years. Using my cape, I blow air around to free up all the dust. Without any ventilation, the dust creates a huge cloud. I hit the ground and make my way to the door. When I open it, the dust exits like some sort of ghost. It was almost spooky. Looking inside, there’s not much in here. A chair, a fireplace, a stove, just enough to call the place home. My new home. A simple place to relax. I sit in the chair. It feels pretty comfortable. I get into a cozy position and prepare to take a hot nap. That’s right, a hot nap. Just before I doze off, someone enters.

“What are you doing here?” I wake up.

“Damnit, can’t I get a little rest?” It’s been a few days since the monk encounter, so get off my back.

“Yes, but not here.” I realize who it is. Cross.

“You again? Are you stalking me or something?”

“On the contrary,” he responds, “this is my house.”

“Yeah, that’s what you think. I’ll tell you what. You…leave, and you can live.” This sword really is evil. I have never even thought about acting like this before.

“That’s an interesting proposal.” He strokes his chin and swiftly tosses a card at me. I block it with my cape.

“That was pretty smooth.” I toss the card away. It makes a small puff of smoke. “So, you wanna fight for my cot?”

“OK, first of all, it’s my house. Second off, you aren’t worth half my energy,” he boasts.

“Grrr? What was all that stuff about protecting Zelda and the Sheikah’s Code and what-not?”

“I’ve got my own agenda, and though you are on it, you are not on the top of the list.”

“Come on, I could put up a hell of a fight. And, to make it better, I’ll only use one hand.”

“Which hand?” he asks.

“Hmmm, I haven’t decided yet.”

“You’re kidding about the one hand nonsense, right?”

“Not at all,” I reply.

“(sigh) Get out of my house.”

“What’s wrong? You scared?” I tried to get a little anger going.

“That’s it.” He pulls out his chain. I think it worked.

“Oh, no,” I say sarcastically. “Not the chain again. Dude, by the time you get that thing going, I could…” Suddenly, the chain becomes a long pole of sorts, like a staff. It stops just a few inches from my face.

“Hmph, impressive. That was actually pretty cool. You may be as good as that Link character.” He pushes the staff closer.

“Never mention that name in my presence.”

“Well, what’s with all the sour grapes?” I question.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” He retracts his chain.

“Why not…wait a minute. That’s what happened. I heard someone fall to the ground. They did that to you, didn’t they? Didn’t they?”

“Yes, they did. While you were on the ground after that blow to the face, they wanted me to kill you.”

“Wait, what exactly happened, anyway?”

“Link hit you with a light arrow.”

“So that’s what those chumpies are. What happened to the monster?” I ask.

“After he shot the arrow, it just vanished.”

“Hmph. So, why didn’t you finish the job?”

“It’s against my code of honor to attack an opponent when he is handicapped.”

“So they betrayed you?”

“Yes, two arrows through my back. They think I’m dead.”

“This all sounds too familiar.”

“What do you mean?” he inquires. I stand up.

“Seven years ago, I helped Link find the Master Sword. As we found it, he stabbed me, right through the heart. Luckily, I was revived by a fairy.”

“Hmm, I see.”

“I’m gonna kill him three was to Mute City.”

“Where?”

“…Never mind. Look, you’ve been through quite an ordeal. I’ll let you borrow my hut.” He starts to say something. “Dup, don’t argue. Just go with it, or I’ll change my mind.” I leave.

“Take good care of my house.”

“You know what? I don’t even feel like it. I’ll get my chance at him later. Besides, I need a nap.”

“How come you get to take a nap?!”

“It’s my house!!!” he yells.

“Oh yeah?” I aim at his house. I fire a Missile. He dives out of the way. His house is destroyed…I mean my house is…his house is destroyed.

“Gotcha.”

“What the hell!?!?!?”

“That’s for what you did all that time ago!”

“…What the hell!?!?!?!?”

“Yeah, I got that,” I respond.

“That was my house!” he says.

“Yeah, well, now it’s your mess. Have fun!”

“You are going to pay for this.”

“How much?” I ask. “Couple hundred?”

“I wasn’t talking about money.” He comes at me like a spider monkey. With his chain in staff mode, he charges at me.

“This is what I’ve been waiting for.” I unsheathe my sword. He swings and I block with my sword. “Man, you got some speed with that thing.”

“Shut up.” He pushes me off. He swings again. I dodge.

“I’m just saying.” I counter-attack, he blocks.

“I said shut UP!!!!” He swings again. I parry and strike with an
overhead blow. He blocks, holding his chain in both hands. During this stand-off, he finally notices my eye.

“What is wrong with your eye?” He pushes me away.

“Side effect from the lens incident.”

“You have a chunk of glass in your eye?” he questions.

“To put it simply, yes.”

“You know,” he says, “we shouldn’t be fighting each other. We need to take out those backstabbing bastards.”

“Are you suggesting we…team up?”

“Yeah, why not? And, after we finish, we can end this quarrel once and for all.”

“No, no, and no. TUSM doesn’t do the co-op thing anymore. I’ve trusted too many people who all let me down. I’m flying solo from now on.”

“Look at it in perspective. You’ve got Gerudos coming after you, Kokiri’s coming after you, Sheikahs coming after…”

“Wait, pause. Who said anything about Kokiris?”

“Everyone knows you killed the Kokiri’s King. And, everyone knows you have the Falcon Sword as well. There’s a 100,000 Rupee reward for anyone who finds you and brings you or the sword to the King of Hyrule. Everyone out there wants to kill you. With odds like that, someone WILL eventually kill you. Now, you can go out there, try to defeat everyone you meet, and inevitably die, or you can help me rebuild MY house.”

“Uh, no. I’ll take my chances out there. TUSM don’t do manual labor, either.” I leave.

“Just remember. You can’t solve all your problems with that cannon of yours.”

“Psh, whatever,” I mumbled as I give him a quick wave. I walk off into the forest…yet again.


Darkness strikes. For some reason, I can’t get that guy’s words out of my head.

“You can’t solve all your problems with that cannon of yours. He doesn’t know TUSM like I do. There ain’t nothing you can’t solve without some high powered explosives. Did that make sense? I don’t give a damn. Besides, the most technologically advanced thing they have in this time period is an arrow with sunshine in it. How gay is that? Sunshine arrows. ”

…They did hurt, though. Continuing through more and more trees, I see some weird plants. It’s like a venus fly trap, but it’s…not. It’s…different. I approach it, and it comes alive and starts snapping. I jump back.

“OK, now what?” I wait. Nothing. It just continues to snap. I start to mess with it. I show it my cannon. He follows it wherever I move it. I pretend to throw something. It looks in that direction and I rip his head off. It was at that point I see many more of these plants. Not that it matters. I go around ripping and slashing them apart. Quite fun, believe it or not. When everything is said and done, I relax for a bit. Just long enough to see a bat, glowing with a blue-like energy.

“What is that?” It gets closer. I reach out to touch it. I’m instantly encased in a solid block of ice. It breaks after a few seconds.

“What the heck?” I had no idea what that was. However...

“That was…awesome!!” I run around touching these blue bats. I touched one of them just as I jumped off of a tree. I listened to the ice shatter as I hit the ground. I continue this until I’m out of the maze of trees.

“Well, that was fun…almost too much fun. And, look at this. NO MORE TREES!!!” I walk forward for a bit and I hear something behind me. I turn…nothing’s there. I continue forward. I hear something else.

“Alright, what’s going on?” I see figures appear from the woods. They surround me completely. They’re mainly women, but the guys are wearing the same cape as me. The women are wearing dark purplish clothes and their shoes look weird.

“Gerudos.” Lots of them. Gotta be a few hundred. The quote-unquote leader heads the pack. I let out a sigh.

“You there,” he says. “Don’t move another inch.”

“Why shouldn’t I?” They all unleash their weapons. Not at the same time, though. That would make a very loud “CLANG” noise. They did it one after another. There’s some clicking, clangy sounds for about twenty seconds.

“Oh, that’s why.”

“We are here to exact our revenge.”

“What are you talking about?” I ask.

“I don’t look at all familiar, do I?”

“Uh, no,” I respond.

“Long ago, I almost died from an explosion from that cannon you have.”

“Ohhh that was you? Well, technically, it was an accident, so I apologize. Besides, I’ve decided to become one of you. You like my cape? Yeah, I think I’m…”

“Silence!!” he screams. “We have no time for games. ATTACK!!!” They all charge in my direction. And not one by one like those fight scenes in action films. They ALL come at me.

“What to do, what to do?” They already have me surrounded. I jump and start hopping on top of people’s heads, cutting random heads as I go. Then, I jump high into the air. As I fall, I shoot as many Missiles as I can. They all detonate just as I land. The explosion is huge. The Gerudos clear out a bit.

“Bring it.” I hear something fire behind me. Something latches onto my leg.

“What is this?” They charge again. There’s a chain on my leg, which is stuck to the ground. With limited mobility, I was at a huge handicap, to say the least. I blast people on one side, and slash people on the other side. It worked well for a while. Luckily, they had no projectiles of any sorts, so they had to get in close to attack. I can only keep this up for so long. I hold them off for as long as I can. My left arm is getting tired from the constant swinging and blocking, and my cannon is overheating, something I have never heard of. After taking out a large number of seemingly endless Gerudos, I give in to my fatigue, but only briefly. That was more than enough time for the leader to strike my cannon with his sword, incredibly hard. Then, they knock my sword out of my hand. I prepare to shoot. I raise my arm. Just before I fire, my arm starts to lower.

“What’s going on?” My arm goes numb. I can’t move anything up to my shoulder. They grab me by my arms.

“Now let’s finish this,” one of the Gerudos says.

“Hold it,” the leader says. He approaches me. “I’ve got a better idea for this one.” He punches me in my stomach.

“(cough) Do your worst. (cough)”

“That’s exactly what I’m going to do.” He places his hand on my forehead and sends some electrical charges through my head. I go to sleep. Was that too much of a cliché? I think it was. I’ve seen that a lot. Almost too much. Well, at least I’m man enough to admit it.


When I wake up, I find myself lying down, shackled to a chain. Only one leg is chained up. Also, they took my cape…well, actually it WAS their cape, but that’s beside the point.

“Not this again. At least I’m not…” At that point, I am suddenly raised into the air. “What the hell is this?!” I am dropped back to the ground.

“Ouch…thank you,” I say with a sprig of sarcasm. Then, I’m raised back up. “Damnit, what is wrong with you people?!” I’m dropped again. I hear laughter.

“Come on, show yourselves, whoever you are!” Two females approach the door. “Let me out!!!”

“Hmmm, I don’t think so,” one of the two responds.

“You are going to pay!!”

“Oh yeah? Go ahead. Do something.” I try to raise my hand. “We’re waiting.” They start laughing again.

“Rrrrrr!!!” I run towards the door. I fly back up again. They walk away laughing.

“This place BLOWS!!!!!!!” I’m waiting there…upside down. My head nearly explodes from all that blood getting to my head…look, I’m talking in circles now. After a few hours, I’m finally dropped to the floor.

“Am I still here? Man, I feel like absolute crap.” The door opens. Two females emerge, the same ones from before…I think. They release the chain from my foot and tie up my arms with the same.

“Where are we going?” I ask.

“None of your business.”

“…But, if I’m going, wouldn’t that make it my business?” I think the extra blood flow has made me a bit too intelligent.

“Shut up.”

“Alright…you know, this is kinda kinky. We could get Down ‘N Dirty. A little three-way action. Bow chicka wow wow!” There it is. I’m back.

“Shut up!!”

“Yeah, more of that. I’ve always been into that bondage stuff. A little S&M never hurt…actually, it always hurts. Come on, Talk Dirty To Me!”

“SHUT UP!!!!” They slap me across my face, one after another, on both sides. With those ridiculous nails, it really hurt.

“Ouch! Jeez, that hurt. I said a little. Don’t you know how to restrain yourselves?” They raise their hands as if they’re gonna hit me again. I flinched.

“OK, I’m sorry! Don’t hit me!”

“Wimp,” One of the females responds. We are now outside where all of their people are watching. They drop me to my knees.

“What’s all this then?” I ask with an English accent. “A party in my name?” The leader addresses me.

“One could say that. You are here to truly become one of us. It was your wish, right?”

“Well, uhhh, yeah, but why such an audience?” I ask.

“Because the initiation process is quite entertaining.”

“For you or for me?” He only laughs. “OK, see, this isn’t going to work. I have to decline.” I thought about jumping right there, but we need a little more conversation, don’t you agree? Well, no one cares what you think…unless you’re gonna give this story a good review.

“What? What do you mean?” I get up on one knee. “What are you doing?!”

“Now, I originally thought that you were going to…BYE!!” I jump up. I see one of those chains coming at me. I execute a mid-air jump. There’s a few more coming at me. I execute some fancy mid-air dodging as if I was swimming in space. I land on the rooftop and start running. However, the row of buildings didn’t go on forever. I planned to jump at the end, but one of the roofs was poorly built and I fell through. If I don’t quickly remove these chains, I’ll be subdued again. Thinking…thinking…fireplace…fire…melt metal…metal chains…I got it. It would result in some wrist injury, but I’ll live. I stick my arms inside the fireplace and let the metal get hot. Red hot. I then break it apart, conveniently just before the Gerudos ramshackle the house. Also conveniently, the first one that enters has a cape. I rip it off and morph into a ball. I drop a P-Bomb and I’m out of there. I run into the forest, but one of them sees me. They chase me into the woods. There’s a guy on a horse and he rides right next to me. I thought he was offering me a ride, then he accelerates away.

“Hey, what gives?” I see my sword in a bag on the back of the horse. “You jerk, that’s my sword!!” I continue to run until the Gerudos lose sight of me. I lean against a tree and start wheezing and coughing.

“Man…I…am…exhausted.” Examining myself, I have no sword, no cannon, and a minor injury to my left wrist. I’m not exactly sure how I’m going to survive. Then, I remember I have the monk’s robe. I reach in and put it on. Yes, I know I don’t have the same cape and my inventory should be empty, but nothing makes sense in this world, does it? I start to go…undercover.


Out of 167 pages in Microsoft Word, we're only at 52. There's still a loooooong ways to go, folks.

 

[Dotcom]

***** Update.

 

[The Phazon Assassin]

You guys are quite fortunate. I sifted through loads of crap in my sister's room and founf the Flash drive she said she never took. Why don't they ever learn? Anyways, we now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfic.


While traveling through Hyrule, my outfit seemed to work. Everyone I’ve seen hasn’t tried to kill me. And, my burn has almost healed. That means I can start looking for my sword, or ANY sword at least. Since I’m not saying a single word to anyone, I can’t ask. Why am I not speaking? So people won’t be able to recognize who I am. They know my voice. Or do they? This isn’t the future. They don’t have voice operated machines…do they? Oh, whatever.

I come across this one guy. He was different from the rest. He had absolutely zero patience.

“Who are you? Where are you going?” I don’t respond. To avoid being disrespectful…more disrespectful I should say, I kneel down.

“What is your problem?! Answer me!!” Didn’t work. “Alright, asshole!” He unsheathes a sword. I stand up. He swings vertically. I move. He swings at my head. I duck. He swings again and I jump up, kicking him in the face. I land in a tree.
“Get down here!” OK, fine. I jump down. He attacks with a strong vertical slash. This is where I get started. I grab his arm, knee him in the stomach, punch him in the face with a left hook, then kick him in the back, really hard. He drops his sword and slams into a tree. I pick his sword up. It’s very, very light. I walk up to the guy. I want to ask him something, but remember, I can’t talk…hmmm, everybody’s whisper sounds remotely identical, right? Let’s see.

“Where would I go to find stolen goods?” He sits up with his back against the tree.

“If they didn’t keep them…they would sell the goods…at the marketplace.”

“And another thing. This sword is useless.” I swing it against my cannon. It breaks in half. It would have broken even if I swung it at a cloud. Yes, a cloud.

“Hey…you’re gonna pay for that.” I pick up the broken blade and put it in my robe. I picked up the handle and threw it at the tree, shaving a portion of his head.

“You’re welcome,” I said as I walked away. I do that a lot. A few days later, I make it to the marketplace. I look around and see a weapons vendor. See, that’s what we call it in my day. I approach the guy.

“Hello, hello, what can I do ya for?” I see my sword and point to it. He picks it up and starts showcasing it. “Ah, yes, the Falcon Sword. Grab its hilt and you’ll be overwhelm with enough power to defeat any army.”

Bull. I got firsthand experience. Total crap…Hold on, how come the guy didn’t bring it to the king? How come no one came to get the sword and give it to the king? I mean, it is a 100,000 Rupee reward after all.

“It’s yours for the low, low price of 70,000 Rupees.” I coughed. That’s why no one came to get it. “70,000 Rupees is all it takes.” I let out a sigh and pick up my right arm by my sleeve.
“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re getting at.” I pull up my sleeve. He panics, and drops the sword. “Oh my god, it’s you!” There’s a ruckus as I grab the sword.

"Where can I go for an anti-paralysis medicine?”

“The Great Deku Tree in the Kokiri Forest.” He runs away and I leave the marketplace before things get out of hand. Thinking about my return to the Kokiri Village, I can only hope my robe continues to hide my identity. I doubt they have forgotten that incident that occurred months ago. Even though I had no choice, I still understand why they felt that way.
When I get to the forest, I’m greeted with hostility. Fortunately, it wasn’t because of who I was. It was because of who I was…it’s because I look like an outsider.

“I come in peace,” I whispered. “I would like to see the Great Deku Tree.”

“What for?” one of the four Kokiris ask.

“I was told to see him for an anti-paralysis medicine.”

“Oh…OK. We’re a little skeptical ever since our king was killed.”

“Killed?” I ask.

“Yeah, a guy we knew named TUSM. He’s been causing chaos in this entire world ever since he got that Falcon Sword.”

“I’ll keep an eye out for him. There’s many people looking for him; not just you guys.” I find the Great Deku Tree and approach him.

“Greetings, traveler. How may I help you?”

“I was told that you have some sort of anti-paralysis medicine.”

“You are correct. And, why do you need this herb?”

“Uhhh, my right arm is paralyzed. Can you help me?”

“Yes, I can. However, the plant that is used for this potion does not grow in our forest anymore. You will need to find a petal from a flower known as the Hyrulian Rose. It’s a small flower with red, distinctly shaped petals.”

“Any clue where I could find it?”

“Unfortunately, no. There may be someone out there who grows this flower, or knows something about it.”

“Well, thanks.” I start looking.

“Be safe.” I leave the village.


I’ve been looking for the flower for two days now. No one has a clue where I can find this flower. Even florists don’t know where to look. Since I desperately need this leaf, I can’t give up. I go into a place called Kakikiro Village. There were gardens everywhere.
I find what I believe to be the Hyrulian Rose. It’s red, and the petals are oddly shaped. I prepare to pluck one of the leaves when a bunch of vines come alive and lift me into the air. A woman exits her house. She has on a white, formfitting sweater and a navy blue skirt, stopping just above her knees.

“Well, well, what have we here?” she asks.

“What are these things?” I’m still whispering.

“A security system protecting my rare, soon-to-be prize winning Hyrulian Roses. Now, what are you doing in my flower patch?”

“Ummm, see, I need one of these leaves to cure my paralyzed arm,” I respond.

“Why didn’t you just…ask?”

“I didn’t think it was important…not THIS important.”

“…Well?” she says.

“Uhh, may I have a leaf from one of your flowers?”

“Yes,” she replies.

“Sweet! Thank you.”

“On one condition.”

“Crap. What is it?” I ask. She whips out a stick, cracks me on my head, and breaks the stick. “Ow, what was that for?”

“Just checking. Do you have a weapon?”

“Yes, why?”

“I need your help to conquer a dungeon.”

“No, no, no, no, no. I’m tired of people asking me for help, assistance, or a partnership.”

“Oh well, thanks anyway. See ya later.” She enters the house. The vines still hold onto me.

Damnit, *damnit, *damn-IT!” Succumbing to her request, I accept her proposition. “Hey…I’ll do it.” She re-emerges.

“Really?” she asks.

“Yeah, just don’t try to kill me afterwards.”

“…Why would I do that?” she inquires.

“(sigh) It’s a long story. Could you…you know?”

“Sorry.” The vines set me down.

“So, where is this dungeon?”

“In the Gerudo Valley.”

“Crap, damnit, hell.” That’s my response.

“What?”

“I can’t go back there.”

“Why not?” she asks.

“I was a prisoner there. I just broke out of that place recently.”

“And you survived?” as if she didn’t know.

“Yeah, and I can’t go back. Ever!!”

“Look, I promise we won’t get caught. They won’t even see us.”

“Fine, but if I die, I will take you with me.” We travel to Gerudo Valley. We find the entrance is separated by a canyon with a bridge running across. There are two guards standing on the bridge.

“You had better know what you’re doing,” I say.

“Trust me.” She reveals a bow and some arrows.

“Last time I trusted someone, I almost died.”

“What?”

“Another long story…no, wait, it’s the same long story I mentioned before.”

“Well, let’s save that for later.” She fires an arrow at one of the guards. She takes out the other one promptly after.

“Come on, hurry!” We ran across the bridge before they got up. The coming sections were nothing but a maze of stealthiness, and I’ll be the first to tell you that I’m no ninja.

“Stay close behind me…not that close, you perv!” She cracks another stick upside my head.

“Ow…It was worth a shot.” She has a handful of nuts in her…hand. Duh. She throws them up in the air.

“Why?” I ask.

“Just run when I say…RUN!” As the nuts fall, they create bright flashes. I couldn’t see anything. I don’t know how she did. The area basically turned bright white. It was just long enough to get us to another safe spot. However, there’s twice as many Gerudos in the next area.

“Now what?” I ask.

“This.” She pulls out one of those crawling bombs.

“What is that exactly?”

“A bombchu. You drop it and it…”

“Yeah,” I interrupt, “I know. It slides across the ground.”

“Right.” She drops the bomb. “There’s something I’ve been meaning to ask you.”

“OK, what?”

“Why are you whispering?” she inquires.

“Uhhh… see, going back to the aforementioned story…” The bomb explodes. The guards rush over to see what happened.

“Come on, now’s our chance.” We run out of the Gerudo’s sight. The temple is ahead, and it’s huge.

“This is it?” I ask.

“Yep. There’s a treasure up at the top of this temple.”

“I know this damn well better be worth it.” We enter the dungeon. The first room is infested with little creatures. Hostile creatures.

“Well, let’s see what you’re made of.”

“Grrr? I gotta kill all these things?” I ask.

“I got us past the guards, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, but all you did was, well, flash everyone.” Pun intended.

“Excuse me?” she says as she hits me with another stick.

“You know what I meant.” I destroy the Monsters. They’re not big or really dangerous, but the door was locked, so putting two and two together told me to do the damn thing.

“Hold on, where did you get that sword?” I kinda forgot that everyone knows this sword, but it’s too late now. “Is that the Falcon Sword from the weapons shack?”

“…Why, yes, it is…”

“Where did you get 70,000 Rupees?” she questions.

“I got people. I talked him down a bit.”

“And another thing, you never answered my question. Why are you always whispering?”

“I have a sore throat,” I respond

“That’s your long story?”

“…Yeah…I guess it’s not so long, hunh?”

“Mmm hmm.” We entered the next room. More of these rat-like things. I destroy them. Normally, these dungeons have some sort of puzzles, but this one was just a bunch of these rats. It went on for six floors. I went through thirty rooms. I’ve killed who knows how many rats. This was more of a test of endurance. I barely made it to where I am now.

“You know, you could at least try to do something. Anything.”

“Nah, you have everything under control,” she replies. In the next room we entered, there was nothing in it.

“Sweet, nothing to do…which means we should be here…with the treasure…but we’re not…so…” Right on cue, a large, spider-like thing drops through the ceiling.

“You know, I actually saw that one coming.” Without my Missiles, destroying him with low energy would be difficult, almost impossible.

“You know what? I quit. I can’t do this anymore.” She…yes, she does it again. “You do that again and I’ll…” And she does it again. “Where are all those things coming from?”

“You can’t quit! We’re right there,” she says.

“You mean I’M almost there.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” she asks.

“Look, you haven’t done anything since we got here. I’m tired. I need some rest and I can barely carry my sword. So, I’m outta here.” I start to exit.

“You can’t leave me here by myself.”

“Well then come with me…umph.” The spider thingy grabs me by my neck with his tongue and swallows me whole. I’m In The Belly of a Shark…or a big spider thingy.

“Are you alright?” she asks.

“What do you think?!?!?!” I thrust my sword upward, piercing the spider. I twist it around his abdomen, slicing the creature in two. I make it out alive, but I’m covered in slime AND goo. I fall to the floor.

“That wasn’t so bad, was it?” I sit up and give her one of those “go to hell” looks.

“Can I see one of those sticks, please?”

“Do you think I’m stupid?” I whip out my own stick and hit her with it.

“Yes, I do.”

“Geez, I’m sorry. But, look at the bright side. The treasure is in the next room.”

“Good, and after this is done, you are gonna personally nurse me back to health.” I stand up.

“…Excuse me?”

“I want you to take care of me until I’m back to full strength. This is your fault after all.”

“Who do you think I am?” she asks. “Some sort of personal servant?”

“That’d be nice. You could wear one of those sexy french maid outfits…oh yeah.” She gives ME one of those “go to hell” looks. She hits me with the eighth stick…or is it ninth…I lost count. “Damnit…come on, I gotta get something out of this.”

“Hello, the rose petal?” she says.

“I think all of this was worth more than a little piece of flower.”

“OK, we can split the treasure, whatever it is. Deal?”

“Fine.” We enter the next room. There’s a treasure chest inside. It doesn’t look very big. Hopefully, everything inside is extremely rare and
valuable.

“Well, go ahead. Open it,” she says.

“Oh goodie,” I say sarcastically. I open the chest and there’s a bright light. Unfortunately, that was just the sun reflecting off of a glass surface. It’s a bottle. An empty bottle.

“What is it?” I show her the bottle.

“This is what I get? I bust my ass, killing hundreds and hundreds of rats, get eaten by some spider, and this is what I GET!?!?!?” I prepare to throw the bottle on the ground.

“Wait!”

“For what?! It’s a bottle! I was expecting a load of cash. How do you split a bottle?”

“These bottles come in handy. They can even save your life.” I freeze for a bit. I walk up to her, sit the bottle at her feet, grab one of her sticks and I hit myself in the head.

“Get me out of here…right…now.”

“OK, fine.” She walks over to me and grabs my hand. She does this thing and we teleport to the front of her house.

“Look, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that this was going to end like that. I thought there would be something valuable in there as well.”

“Just forget it.”

“Well, now that you’ve held your part of the bargain, I shall withhold my half. You may take
your petal now.”

“Thank you, even though I feel like I’ve been had.”

“Tsk, yeah right,” she responds.

“Oh, you’re funny. Ha ha, I’m laughing.” I take a leaf from the flower. “I’m leaving. Bye.”

“Well, that was rude. You’re not even gonna come back to visit me?”

“Even if I wanted to, which I do NOT, it wouldn’t be a good idea.”

“Why don’t you want to see me again?” she inquires.

“Just because. That’s why.”

“And why wouldn’t you be able to come back, if you wanted to?”

“It’s a little complicated.”

“OK, explain yourself, and I want the truth.”

“Do you promise not to go crazy?” I ask.

“I guess so, it depends.” I show her my cannon. “No way…it can’t be.” She removes the hood. “Oh my god!! It’s you!! You’re the one everyone’s been after!” Well, so much for not going nuts.

“Yes, I’m the guy,” I said in my normal voice. “If anyone finds out we know each other, they will stop at nothing to hurt you, which is why you must forget we ever met.”

“Hmph. That’s too bad. I was actually starting to enjoy your company,” she says.

“Yeah right. You’re just saying that to rattle my chains.”

“Oh really?” She walks up to me, grabs my face with both hands. “What’s wrong with your eye?”

“I have a piece of the lens of truth in my eye.”

“OK.” She brings my face inches away from hers. I stare into her eyes for a bit. “I’m sure you could find the time to see me again.”

“…Huh…I will definitely see what I can do. In the meantime, I must unparalyze my arm cannon. And just so you know, I’m trying to get everybody to see the good in me. With this sword, there’s barely any good left in me.”

“Well, goodbye for now.” I leave Kakikiro Village. Making my way toward Kokiri Forest, I couldn’t get that girl out of my head. I’ve never thought about anyone this much, except for my family. Anyway, focusing on the task at hand, I return to the Great Deku Tree.

“Have you found the Hyrulian Rose petal?”

“Yes,” I whispered as I show him the leaf.

“Excellent work.” All of a sudden, I’m surrounded by a red aura. There’s a cold wind blowing. It’s piercing cold. It felt good. When it’s over, I feel my right arm. I can feel it!

“It worked?” I move it around. “It worked!!” I shout. I shoot a Missile up into the air. “Uhh, sorry.”

“YOU!!!” I turn around and see that the Kokiris have gathered.

“Who, me?”

“We aren’t stupid.”

“We haven’t forgot that you killed our king!!”

“And now, we will avenge his death.” They all charge at me at once. These little kids are pretty damn ruthless. “We will avenge his death?” That’s crazy.
I don’t want to hurt any of these people since they’re still kinda like family. I block and dodge every swing. I’m moving around like a Metroid who just drunk a gallon of Red Bull. I do so much jumping and flipping, you’d think I was some sort of animal. I jump onto one of the Deku Tree’s branches.

“Listen, let me explain.”

“No. You killed our leader. You will never be forgiven.” The tree branch breaks out of nowhere. It showed no sign of fatigue whatsoever. I hit the ground pretty hard.

“Asshole,” I said to the tree. The Kokiris jump on top of me. Everything goes black. Then, I lose consciousness.


For the third time, I find myself chained up. This is really starting to urk me.

“DAMNIT!!! What is up with everyone chaining people up these days? Can’t they think of something else? Man, this is getting old fast.” I feel some type of weird energy in my cannon. I ignore it. “Someone better get me out of here, or I’m going to go BERSERK!!!!” The instant I said berserk, my cannon creates a massive explosion, and I mean massive. It completely annihilated the structure I was contained in.
It takes a while for the smoke to clear. When it finally settled, I see two Kokiris staring. They run off, screaming at the top of their lungs.

“Ouch…” My right arm feels weird…naked in fact. I look at it. There’s no cannon. “Grrr? What did I just do?” I see my cannon on the ground, cracked up and damaged far beyond use. I believe my cannon just self destructed. That…is completely unheard of. Something is not right with me and my cannon.

“Man, I just got this thing fixed. I really messed up this time. This is gonna be impossible to fix.” If I was in my time period, this would be a cinch to fix. With no high tech gadgets in this world, and the possibility of having to recharge my Missile supply, my cannon may be permanently OOC…That stands for Out Of Commission.
I pick up my cannon and put it in the robe, which I was still somehow wearing, despite the blast. I pick up my sword. It was lying on the ground, probably hidden within the dungeon I blew up. I start to leave and I see that Cross guy.

“Great, not this guy again,” I whispered to myself.

“Excuse me?” he says.

“Uhhh, nothing,” I whispered.

“What happened here?”

“Nothing…what do you mean?”

“Well, the crater speaks for itself…TUSM.”

“Yeah, I guess I couldn’t cover this up,” I said as I removed the robe. “So, what brings you to this random section of forest?”

“I was looking for the Great Deku Tree, but apparently, that’s not going to happen.”

“What do you mean?” I ask.

“This place doesn’t look familiar to you?”

“Uh, psh, no.” I notice a very distinct rock that I glanced at before. “Wait…you’re not saying…” He nods his head. “Crap, crap, CRAP!!!!” I run off, like, really fast. I leave the Forest.

“Well, my rap sheet just got longer. Is there anyone here I haven’t pissed off?”

“Not really.” Link shows up.

“This just keeps getting better,” I say.

“Now, now, hold on. Before you get upset, I just wanted to say I’m impressed.”

“Yeah right. Hey, where’s your girlfriend?”

“Oh, that was hilarious,” he responds. “Seriously, what did the Great Deku Tree do to you? Do you always kill innocent people for no reason at all?” That one stung a bit. I felt that.

“Damnit, I didn’t know where I was at. I didn’t realize I was…in him. It was an accident.”

“Accident or not, what do you say we have some fun together? We could cause a commotion all…”

“Do you think I would ever partner up with you again?”

“Oh, come on,” he moans. “So I killed you…sort of. That was years ago. Let it go. Let
bygones be bygones.”

“OK, that’s it.” I charge towards him. He moves to the side and pushes me aside. Just simply pushes me.

“What the hell was that?” I ask.

“(sigh) I don’t feel like this.”

“?!?!”

“I don’t feel like a swordfight right now. I’m too tired.” He pulls out a bomb. “OK, I’m ready.”

“Is this a joke?” I ask.

“Far from it.” He throws the bomb. I cut it in two. He throws a boomerang. I dodge. He shoots an arrow. I dodge it, but the boomerang smacks me from behind.

“Rrrrrr!” He fires one of those chains at me. I dodge the chain. “This is ridiculous! Where are all of these things coming from?” I grab the chain and pull him towards me. I hit him with the hilt of my sword. He falls to the ground.

“Hunh. That was way too easy…hold on…wait for it…” I prepare to impale him. “Here it comes…5…4…3…2… ONE …” Nothing. “Oh well. Ahem. It’s time. I’ve waited seven years for this.” At this point, I’m hit in the back with a light arrow. Those things are brutal.

“Damnit…I counted it down…why in the hell did you wait so long?” Zelda shows up, but completely off cue.

“You know it’s best to show up fashionably late,” she says.

“That’s adorable, really it is.” I stand up. Link unsheathes his sword.

“Let’s go.” Now, not only am I fighting Link, I’m dodging Zelda’s arrows as well. I don’t have much offense ability due to my lack of shielding. I have to block everything with my sword. I deflected one of his blows and he got nailed by one of Zelda’s arrows. After that, I swiftly kick him in the face. Immediately after, Zelda clips me with an arrow, but just barely. Link then attacks, but I only have enough time to block with my arm. My right arm. Without the cannon. I fall back.

“That was odd,” Link says. “He normally absorbs attacks with that cannon…unless…” He removes my cape. They both gasp. “What’s this? Where’s your arm?”

“Don’t worry about…grrr?”

“Heh heh, you can keep the cape. But, by this time tomorrow, the whole world will know of your…handicap.” Link and Zelda vanish.

“My life is about to get more hellish than hell on the sun.” Yeah, I’m not really good with words. I stand up and brush myself off. I keep the cape just because I look so damn good in it.

Over the next few days, I experienced so many battles, I wish I was left on Planet Zebes without my suit or cannon when the Space Pirates invaded. I would rather go Metroid wrangling…with two Metroids already sucking at my brains. If I don’t get my cannon back online quick, I just may be terminated.

“Hey you!!” Some guy yells over at me. “You’re that guy that the king wants dead. I’m gonna kill ya so I can get that 100,000 Rupee Reward.” This is about the four hundredth time I’ve heard that, or some variation of it.

“Fine, I submit.” I put my hands up. He approaches me with his weapon sheathed. Dumbass. I quickly gut him before he can react.

“I am not in the mood.” I let him fall to the ground. It’s too bad everyone else wasn’t this dumb. It would’ve been a lot easier on me. But, of course, that wasn’t the case.
Over the next few days, after the first few days mentioned at the beginning of the chapter, I continue to kill everyone who wants an “easy” 100,000 Rupees.

“Alright, keep it moving.” Someone draws near. I hide in a tree. There’s a group of Gerudos holding someone captive. The guy didn’t look familiar and I don’t know what he did, so I’ll avoid confrontation. I see he’s chained up. Then it hits me.

“That’s right.” I remembered when I was chained up, I used fire to deform and destroy the metal.

“I could use hot metal to sorta weld the cracks in my cannon. I’m a freakin’ genius.” All I need now is some metal and a heat source. But, where to look? There aren’t many blacksmiths around here, if any. The blade from that guy’s sword?…nah, I’ve got other plans for that. Maybe I could, like, rip apart a fence. Yeah, I’ll do that. No wait. They only have wooden gates. This place sucks monkey ass. I jump out of the tree when the Gerudos clear out.

“My best bet would be some of those chains…you know what? I’m going to free that guy.”
I follow the Gerudos. There’s only four. I can take out two before they even see me. Then, I grab the guy and I’ll be out like a Porsche Carrera GT with seven Unique Performance Mods. Or a Dodge Viper GTS with Prototype Mods. I unsheathe my sword and tip-toe behind everyone. With one smooth swipe, I take out the two Gerudos bringing up the rear. I pick up the guy and start running. I almost made it. One of them grabbed me with that chain that everyone and their mothers seem to have.

“Wait, this could work too.” She pulls me toward them. One prepares to stab me, but I trip her up. I yank the chain out of the other’s hand.

“Hold on, now. This is all I need. Let me go, and you can keep the guy.”

“What?”

“Shut up,” I say.

“Well, I…wait a minute…”

“…Hey, it’s you two!! From the dungeon. How’ve you been? You two look great.”

“Shut up!”

“Yeah, I never get tired of that. Seriously. Gimme the chain, you keep the guy. Deal?”

“Get him!” They both charge toward me. I grab one with the chain and smack other chick with the hilt of my sword.

“Stoopid beech. As for you. I tried to let you go, and you blew it. So, now you pay. For this and the dungeon.” I push her down onto her knees. I snatch her face in my hands. I stare at her for a bit, then a back slap the crap out of her.

“Did you like that? I sure as hell did.” I start to walk away.

“Wait, what about me?” asks the dude.

“Yeah, what about you?” I respond.

“You’re gonna just leave me here?”

“Well…(sigh) what did you do?” I ask.

“Nothing, I swear!”

“Nobody never does nothing,” I say.

“…What?”

“I know what I said,” I said as I walk away, “and that’s all that matters.” Now that I’ve got the metal, part two should be a walk in the park. All I need is some fire. I’ll wait until tonight. There are torches all over this place.

Nighttime falls and I’m at the entrance to the marketplace. I stick my hand into the cannon since it’s not that easy to get my hand in and out. I begin heating the metal, chunk by chunk. When it’s hot enough, I place it over one of the cracks. Only having one hand to work with, it took a while to complete. But, I complete it nonetheless. I dip my arm into the moat to cool The Metal and compress it so it fits my arm perfectly.

“Wow, that’s pretty damn good.” I try to fire a Missile. Nothing
happens. Just as I expected, I still had no firepower. I have to recharge my Missile supply. I honestly have no clue how to fix this, but at least I have improved defensive capabilities.
I wander around for a while, not having anything better to do. I decide to return to Lake Hylia. That seems to be a very peaceful place where I can relax. Well, except for that whole Cross-dresser…Cross-dresser…heh, I’m here all week. When I get there, I noticed something I didn’t catch before. There was a walkway that went underwater and led to a doorway which is at least fifty feet down. It looks like a large temple of sorts.

“I wonder what’s down there…I wonder how someone would get down there. They don’t have any type of SCUBA gear, do they? With a Gravity Suit, it would be a piece of cake.” As I continue to ask myself questions, I hear a loud crackling. I turn around to see a weird…thing. I can’t even say it’s a creature. It’s just…there.

“Well, last time I touched something odd, it ended up being pretty cool.” I reach out to touch it. It shocks me. “Ow, damn that hurt.” Then, an idea came to me. I touch it with my cannon and shock myself. “Ouch.” I felt a bit of power going through my cannon, but nowhere near enough for what I need.

“That’s it! I just need a big enough shock…but what?” It starts raining. “That’s just perfect,” I said sarcastically. “Wait, that IS perfect!” Lightning strikes. “I could use a bolt of lightning. It’s risky, but it’s the only way…I think. I just need to get somewhere high. Really high.” From where I stood, I saw the top of a very tall mountain.

“Bingo.” It’s in the direction of Kakikiro Village. I begin to walk over. I can’t help but think something is going to happen.

“It’s weather like this that makes for those classic swordfights. It’s true.” Luckily, people must be scared of rain. Not a single soul was out that night. When I arrived at Kakikiro Village, the base of the mountain, Victoria shouts at me…That’s the girl with the Hyrulian Rose garden. I knew her name. I just didn’t write down that I knew. Anyway, Victoria shouts… What? OK, fine, from now on, I will write down every little detail, alright? God, now shut up already!

“Hey, TUSM!!” I turn around.

“Oh…hey.”

“What are you doing in this weather?” she asks.

“I’m going to the top of this mountain.”

“What?! You’re crazy! Come inside and wait for this storm to die down.”

“No, it’s important I get up there before it stops raining.”

“Why? That’s suicide,” she says.

“Not if you know what you’re doing,” I respond.

“If you say so.”

“I’ll come by after I’m done up there, OK?”

“You better, or else…” She throws a stick at me. I duck.

“Jerk.” She enters her house and I start my quest to the top of the mountain. It was quite easy. There was only one way up. I saw a couple of caves along the way, but I don’t want to get sidetracked. There were a few dangerous gaps, but it was just a walk in a really high park. Near the top is a wall with a ladder on it, but it zigs and zags in like eighty different directions.

“What is the point of that?” I climb the ladder and I’m at the top of the
mountain…and it is good. There are two more caves and a very large creature here, but he looks peaceful.

“How are you people getting up here?” he asks.

“Uhh, the ladder,” not knowing it was invisible.

“What ladder? There’s no ladder there.”

“Yeah there is. It twists and turns like a roller coaster.”

“Like a what?” he asks.

“Never mind.”

“So, what brings you up here in such inclement weather?”

“I’m gonna get struck by lightning.” I jump up on top of the cave entrances and I stick my sword into my cannon. I thrust my arm into the air. Then, once again, Cross shows up.

“Hey, what are you doing?!” I look down and see who it is. I’m getting tired of seeing this dude.

“How do you always manage to…” PLOW!!! The lightning strikes. I fall to the ground below. That stuff burnt like hell. Though the result would have been the same, it would have been nice to be ready for it, you know, kinda brace myself. You know what I mean, right?

“What the hell were you thinking? What were you doing up there?” Cross asks.

“He just said he’s going to get struck by lightning.”

“Why?”

“I have no clue,” the big thing replies. I start to awaken.

“Ow…damn…what happened?”

“You got hit by lightning.”

“Isn’t that what you wanted?” asks the big dude.

“Oh yeah…right.”

“Why were you up there?” asks Cross.

“…Uhhh…hmmm…why was I up there?” I see my sword in my cannon. “Oh yeah, that’s right. I was trying to recharge my Missile supply.”

“Did it work?” I fire a Missile.

“Yeah, baby, TUSM is back in commission!” Then it hit me. Not the Missile. “Why in the world are you always following me?”

“What?”

“Lake Hylia? The Great Deku Tree? This place?”

“I was already here,” he says. “I was just leaving.”

“Yeah, sure you were…sure.”

“Whatever. Well, I guess I’ll be seeing ya. I gotta hone my newly acquired skills.”

“Wait…I’m not good at this so bear with me.”

“I’m listening.”

“OK, how should I put this. I want to…” My face cringes. “…apologize for that house thing back there.” His eyebrow is raised, much higher than normal.

“What brought that on? I mean, not that I don’t appreciate it, it’s just…Wow, where did that come from?”

“It’s just that I realized…” My face cringes again. “…I can’t survive on my own. I can’t believe I just said that.”

“What? What was that? I didn’t quite catch that.” There was so much sarcasm in his statement, I almost choked on it.

“Look, don’t make this harder than it already is.”

“I was just kidding.” Naw, really?

“Maybe we should…” My face cringes a third time. “…work …together.” I get a feeling in my stomach. “I think I’m gonna be sick.”

“Now, what makes you think you would be of any help to me?” Are you serious?

“I…What did you say? I can’t believe you would say something like that. You know what? Forget it. Forget I asked. I actually thought you were good for something.” I jump off of the cliff.

“OK, if you feel that way. I’ll be at your funeral.” I begin thinking aloud.
“I can NOT believe that asshole! I come to him, practically begging for his help, and he throws me aside like garbage. Damnit, man, I’ve never been so angry in my life…wait…oh yeah, that.” Just as I reached the first cave entrance, the one closest to the bottom of the mountain, I hear something loud behind me. It’s getting closer…really quickly. I turn around and I see a massive boulder rolling towards me. There’s no room to step aside, so I run into the cave. The boulder blocks the exit…


Maybe not the greatest cliffhanger, but it shall suffice. Nice chunk of story here, right? That was about 22 pages of MSWord stuff.

I also just realized that TUSM says "damn" a lot.

 

[XSilvenX]

So this is what TUSM does in his free time...lol

 

[The Phazon Assassin]

Welcome one and all to another chapter of.......this story. Hope you enjoy it.


“What was that?” I stand to my feet and I see the blocked exit. “Great, just when things were starting to go my way. Now, how am I supposed to get out of here?” I just realized I could blast it to the next state. “Oh yeah.” I fire a Missile at the rock. Nothing happens. I walk up to it and tap it with my cannon. “Wow, that’s some strong rock. What is that? Bendezium?…wait, I can destroy Bendezium!” I roll up into a ball and drop a Power Bomb. They have the power to take out the strongest materials, such as Bendezium. After the explosion, the ceiling starts to crumble. It’s like an Avalancha.

“Crap.” I un-morph and run into the next room. The previous room is completely filled with rubble. “Well, that didn’t work.”

“What the HELL were you thinking?!?!” I see who it is. Cross. (sigh) “I mean, what made you think THAT would work?!?! Oh, look at this, I can blast a hole through a solid, twenty foot chunk of rock, but the 10,000 year old ceiling won’t CRACK!!!! You know, for a guy from the future, you aren’t very smart.”

“How do you know that?” I ask.

“Zelda. She knows just about everything about you. Besides, that ship has sailed long ago. Everyone knows you’re from the future.”

“Does everyone know about this?” I show him the “hole.” He looks. “Too easy.”

“Seriously, dude, why did you even consider doing that?”

“Well, you see, I thought the rock was made from Bendezium, one of the…”

“Ben-WHAT?!?!” he asks.

“(sigh) Forget it, let’s just figure out a way out of here…‘cause we ain’t leaving the way we came in.”

“Really? Are you SERIOUS?!?! You think we aren’t going out that way?!”

“Relax, I was joking.”

“Don’t mess with me right now, alright? I’ll go this way, you go a-way.” He enters a path to the right.

“Hey, that sounded pretty good. I like that.” I see a weird machine-like object with a giant eye staring at me. I jump over to the next platform. He shoots a laser at me. I roll behind him. The laser stops and he turns around and faces me. I violently stab him in the eye.
I look to the right and see a small treasure chest. I hop across the gap and open the chest. There’s a small, wooden shield inside.

“Wow, look at this piece of sh…” Sorry folks. “This thing couldn’t stand up to a baby throwing a cotton ball.” Again, not good with words. I throw it in the direction Cross went. Twenty seconds later…

“Ow!!!”

“Sorry!!!” Skills. I continue through the corridor behind the chest. The door is locked, and there’s a switch on the floor.

“This couldn’t be simpler.” I step on the switch and the bars are raised. “Easy as pie.” I approach the door and the bars drop back down. “Bogus.” I step on the switch and the doors rise. I release it and they drop. “Man, this is so gay.” I place my cannon on the switch and I fire a Missile. The switch is stuck and the door is open. Forever.

“Bastard.” I go through the door. There’s a block, a big one, and a slot approximately the same size as the block.

“What is the point of this big number one?” OHH!!! See, when I said big one, I wasn’t describing the size of the block, though it is big. I meant that there was, literally, a big number one. Yeah, that was lame. I know. Anyway, the block is in the corner and there’s no handle to pull it from. Even if I had a second set of fingers equipped, the block is too big to wrap my hands around.

“How in the hell do they expect you to move this thing? It’s basically frozen to the wall.” I punch it with my cannon. There’s a little give but it’s nothing spectacular. I shoot it with a Missile, hoping it doesn’t explode. Luckily, it creates a crater for me to grab the block with. I slide it into the slot. Another door opens.

“You got to be an idiot to get stuck in this place.” The next room is empty. “…Well, that was shmalty.” A creature drops from above. It’s a dragon with a small sword…more like a knife. He approaches me and starts dancing around and stuff. Then, he hits me with the knife. “That’s it? That’s all you got?” It was more like a knick. He continues to dance around, hitting me, and dancing some more. After a few moments, I get tired…no, more like annoyed.

“OK, I’ve had enough.” I grab him, throw him to the ground and blast him with several Super Missiles. “Take…that…you…son…of…a…bitch!!!” Was that too much? I don’t think so. Naw, we can say that, right? Ah, who cares? After the dragon died, several times over, I noticed nothing changed. “That’s weird. Normally, when I do something, this place does something.” I notice another weak wall, like the one I saw at that mummy place. I blast it with a Missile and it reveals an opening.

“Man, I love these things.” I go through and see an open treasure chest. “Hmmm, maybe that Cross guy was here.” Then it hits me. Not the treasure chest. “Wait a minute, I opened this chest. Did I…no way.” I just made a giant loop. “Damnit! This place sucks ass!!” Then, something else hits me. CRACK! “Ow.”
This time, I meant it. I am too good. It was that shield I hurled earlier. I looked around to see who threw it. I find Cross on the upper level.

“What was that for?” I ask.

“You hit me with it,” he responds.

“That wasn’t me! I was nowhere near you!”

“Well, why did you apologize?!” he asks.

“If you heard me apologize, WHY’D YOU DO IT?!?!?!”

“…I don’t know.” People these days. Back in my day…or…forward in my day, people never acted like this. Yes, I put that joke up there just for the sake of putting that joke up there.
“Hey, listen to this: ‘Giant dead Dodongo, when it sees red, a new way to go will open.’”

“Yeah, so?” He uses an elevator to get to the lower level. Lame-o.

“If we figure this out, we could most likely get out of here.”

“OK, giant thingy…sees red…put something red in his face.”

“Something like what?” He asks. It’s funny because there’s nothing red around.

“That’s bogus. There’s nothing red anywhere.” Didn’t I just say that? We ponder the riddle. Getting bored, I notice an odd plant.

“What’s this thing?” The plant is round and black.

“Oh, that’s a bomb plant.”

“A what?” Something in this time period actually astonishes me. I pick it up and the fuse automatically lights. “That is cool.” I toss it, it explodes, and another one grows immediately. “That is cooler.” I continue to toss these bombs all over the place, causing a great ruckus.

“Could you please stop? I can’t concentrate with all those explosions.”

“Ah, don’t be a baby.” I throw a bomb at him. He catches it.

“Whoa, don’t give this to me, I don’t want it.” He throws it back.

“Uh oh, hot potato.” I throw it to him.

“Damnit, I don’t want it!” He kicks it over to the dundungee or whatever the hell it is. It lands in one of the eyes.

“Mm, mm. Look what you did,” I say.

“What…me? It’s your fault!” he replies.

“Dude, you kicked it.”

“You gave it to me!!” When the bomb explodes, the eye turns red.

“Ohhhhhhhh,” we say. “That’s what it meant.” He grabs a bomb and throws it at the dungaree or whatever the hell it is. He misses.

“I’ll get it,” he says. He continues to toss bombs, and I continue to watch until I feel sorry for him. I take a bomb from his hand.

“Look.” I throw it aside and shoot it. “You’re trying too hard. Let me take care of it.” I hit the other eye with a Missile.

“You couldn’t do that before? You made me look like an idiot.”

“No, you made you look like an idiot.”

“I’m gonna kill you.” The doodoogun’s mouth opens…I wasn’t even close that time, was I? It reveals a door. We go through and see lots of little fire creatures.

“Be careful with those,” says Cross.

“Why? They’re too damn small to actually do something.”

“If you say so.” I hit one and it creates a small explosion. “Yeah, don’t listen to the guy with experience.”

“Shut up,” I reply.

“Stand back.” With one smooth swing, he destroys the fire thingies. We continue down the path. I see another one of those knife wielding dragons.

“Oh god,” I say.

“What? What is it?” He sees the dragon. “What are you waiting for? Do something!” I sit
down as the monster approaches.

“Nah, I’m gonna let you take this one.” He strikes a fighting pose. “Oh, no, no, just watch.” He lets him approach and strike.

“That’s it?” he says.

“That’s exactly what I said.” He continues dancing.

“OK, you can stop now,” he orders. The lizard persists. “Alright, fine.” Using his chain, he wraps it around the dragon’s neck. He waits for a bit.

“You can go ahead and finish him if you like.”

“You don’t think this is too much.” I begin walking down the path.

“If you saw what I did to him, you would think this one’s getting off easy.”

“If you say so.” There’s a loud screech. I suppose he beheaded the lizard. We enter the next room. The door locks behind us and there’s nothing but a large hole in the floor.

“I assume that’s the way out,” I say. I look down the hole. “Nah, there’s stuff down there. We’re still stuck.”

“Well, ladies first.” He pushes me forward, towards the hole. I jump over it to avoid falling through.

“What the hell was that?” I ask.

“Look, we’re gonna have to go down there anyway. You were just getting a head start.”

“Listen, either we jump down together…or you go first.”

“Alright, on three. One…two…three!” He jumps down and I stay.

“Dumbass.” He grabs my legs and pulls me down to the room below.

“There’s no way you could possibly believe that I would fall for that.” Cross says.

“It was worth a shot.” In this area, there’s nothing but a pool of lava. “Well, this sucks. We’re even stucker than before.”

“Stucker?” he asks.

“Yes, more stuck. Stucker?” The room starts to shake. The ceiling crumbles. A very large creature breaks through the ceiling. “Uhh, care to explain.”

“I’m just as clueless as you,” he responds. The monster can breathe fire within a fifteen foot radius. In addition, he can suck you inside his stomach with as much power as a gray hole. It’s not as strong as a black hole. We attempt to attack him, but his exoskeleton is impervious to any blows.

“Damnit, nothing’s working!” Cross yells.

“He’s got to have a weak spot somewhere.” We continue battling. I roll into a ball to see if he has a soft underbelly. He nearly crushes me with five tons of weight.

“Man, that was close,” I say.

“I have an idea,” says Cross. “Get in close, I’ll handle the rest.” I approach the monster, he opens his mouth, and he begins the god-like vacuum suck-age. Cross throws several cards in his mouth. They explode and the creature steps back.

“Hey, maybe you are good for something.” We exchange places. After he opens his mouth, I shoot him with a Missile. We continue for a while, doing a lot of damage, but the beast keeps ticking.

“Why is this taking so long?” Cross asks.

“…We aren’t using enough power.”

“What do you mean?”

“Stand back. This won’t be pretty.” When he starts sucking, I jump inside the monster’s
mouth.

“This guy is way too reckless.” I drop a Power Bomb. “This isn’t good.” The creature is blown into a million pieces. I just love saying that.

“Well, that was easy enough.”

“I must admit, that was incredible, risking your life like that.”

“But, is it really a risk if you know it’s a sure thing?”

“…Well said.” The pool of lava cools and a portal appears in the middle. “Looks like we found a way out.”

“You see, my plan worked perfectly.”

“Yeah, mmm hmm, sure, and, uhhh, I’m the king of Hyrule.” He walks into the portal.

“Really? I didn’t know that…wait, so you want people to bring me to you when I’m right here in front of you already? Yeah, you thought I forgot, hunh? I have the memory of a really powerful computer memory bank…yeah. I think too much sometimes, but it’s always about stupid stuff.” I enter the portal.

The portal drops me off, and I mean DROPS me off in some sort of palace. There’s one of those big, friendly creatures like I saw at the top of that mountain. He’s sitting in a throne.

“Oh, great warriors, we thank you for ridding that cavern of that awful beast. Now, our species can finally live in peace.”

“Ummm, OK, but…where are we?” I stand up.

“You are in Goron City, near the peak of Death Mountain. I am Darunia, king of the Gorons.”

“That’s better.”

“Now I assume that you were brought here to return the Goron Ruby.”

“Ruby? I didn’t see anything.”

“I think he means this.” He produces a large, red ruby. Ruby is such a funny looking word. RUBY!!

“Where’d you get that?” I ask.

“It was inside the portal.”

“There it is, the Goron Ruby,” the king says. The guy is about to give it to the king. I run up and grab it.

“Hold on now. I think we deserve a bit of a reward.”

“Come on, don’t be so selfish. We don’t need it.”

“True,” I respond. “But, they do. We have what they want, so we should get what we want.” That’s the sword talking…Mostly.

“You are right. Here, take these. They will allow you to withstand extremely hot temperatures.” I receive a sort of tunic “upgrade” of sorts…OK, whatever. I don’t know what it is, but now, I suppose, I can withstand high temperatures, like the Varia Suit in my time period.

“Thank you. But, why would we need this? I’ve been many places, and it’s never THAT hot.”

“Well, that brings me to my next request.”

“Here we go,” I say.

“Behind my throne is a path to a temple. Inside is a large creature that is rapidly consuming our food. He has been eating our rock supply, and very soon there will be none left.”

“You eat rocks?” I inquire.

“Yes. Our favorite dish, rock mignon, is quite the delicacy.”

“Whatever.”

“Would you like us to destroy this monster?” Cross asks.

“Yes, and in return,” the Goron says, looking me dead in the eyes, “we will provide you with improved weaponry and a safe haven to hide in. This will prove invaluable for someone with a reputation such as yours.” He’s still looking me right in the eyes.

“That all sounds good, but I’ve got my own agenda.” Cross jumps into my train of thought.

“Wait a minute. How can you turn this down?”

“Well, let’s see. My sword is as powerful as the Master Sword, which is about the most powerful blade in this world, if what I’m told is correct. And, I’m quite sure a cannon upgrade is way out of the question.”

“What about the hide-out offer?”

“OK, one. At some point, someone will find out where I’m at and send hundreds of troops. Two, when that happens, and I mean WHEN, the Goron nation would be doomed. No offense to the Gorons, but they don’t look like fighters. They couldn’t stop an army if they had the most advanced weaponry from my time period. It’s a lose-lose situation, so I must decline your offer.”

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I could use some new weapons. And, if I’m going to be associated with you, I need some place to lay low. I shall conquer this dungeon.”

“Psh, well, you go ahead and be the hero.” Cross moves the throne, after the Goron moves, of course, and starts his mission.

“I am terribly sorry.” No I’m not. I’m just trying to be nice, soften the blow. “Which way is the exit?” The Goron points upward.

“Use this tunnel to…” I jump up to the exit.

“Thanks!” I leave Goron City. I travel to the mountain base, being extra cautious of any boulders. When I got to the bottom and entered Kakikiro Village, I return to Victoria’s house, as promised. I knock on the door.

“Hello? It’s me, TUSM.” There’s no answer. I knock harder. “Are you in there?” There’s still no response. I turn the knob and the door opens. “That’s weird. I’m sure they have some sort of locking mechanism in these days.” I walk inside and it’s completely empty. “Hmmm, I wonder where she went.” I walk around to see if I could figure something out. I slip and almost fall over some small ball-like objects. “Whoa…what are these?” I pick some up. “Wait, I’ve seen these before. Deku Seeds. But, I only know one person…who uses these…or used to at least. Link.”

This guy always manages to screw me over. I leave the house and who do I find coming down Death Mountain? Link and Zelda.

“Where is she?!?!” He ignores me. “Damnit, ANSWER ME!!!” I dash
toward him, preparing to slice him in two. He blocks the attack. Zelda attempts to attack me, but I kick the crap out of her.

“What’s with all the anger?” Link asks.

“I know you kidnapped her! Where is she?!”

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I put my cannon against his chest.

“Tell me,” I demand.

“Come on, did you think I forgot?” He moves the cape. “WHAT???” I shoot him, point blank. He flies back quite a bit. I run and stand over top of him.

“I want to know where she is!!”

“You really care about her, don’t you? OK, I’ll tell you, but she Can’t Be Saved. She’s on the top of Death Mountain, in the temple you just refused to enter. Heh heh heh.” Now, I’m faced with a choice, and he did this intentionally. Either I kill him and she possibly dies as well, or I let Link go to save her.

“Damn you!” I punch him with my cannon, straight across the face. I quickly rescale the mountain I just descended. I go to the very top to avoid Goron City. I don’t want to hear any of the king’s mouth about how I decided to change my mind. Why didn’t I just do it in the first place? Screw you. When I reach the top, just before I entered the cave, the Goron calls me.

“Hold on there.”

“What is it?!”

“You’re going to the fire temple, right?”

“Yes, are you going somewhere with this?” I ask.

“Well, it would be easier to locate that girl with this map.” He hands me a map. “The boss room is where she would most likely be.”

“Thank you…and sorry for the attitude.”

“Just go already,” the Goron commands. I enter the cave, hoping for the best, expecting the worst.

Inside the cave, the heat was unbearable. Temperatures were sky high. I see the entrance to the temple way down below across a pool of lava. Actually, magma. Still inside the volcano, it’s called magma. I jump down, easily reaching the door. You thought it was gonna be one of those “Oh my god” moments, didn’t you? Sike. I entered the temple. Looking at the map, I see the boss room is on the top level, four floors up. Every door, including the one I just entered, was blocked by those stupid iron bars.

“I don’t have time for this!!” I fire a Missile at a door and it’s completely devastated. “Wow. That Missile was twice as strong as any other Missile I’ve seen.” Then, something came to me. That Missile that I shot at Link was slightly stronger than normal. Maybe my projectile system is directly linked to my brain. That would explain the fact that I could only shoot them while thinking of you know who. The more I think, the greater the blast. That also explains the self-destruction back at the forest. If I overload it, the cannon won’t be able to withstand all of that power and it automatically, and violently, releases. Since the power is too much to handle, the cannon is destroyed in the process. Hmph. OK, enough philosophy for now. I continue through the newly found doorway, blasting my way through anything, living or not, that stands in my way. After a short time period, however, I feel my Missile strength decrease, eventually to the point where they had the power of a normal S-Missile, so I could no longer blast through locked doors. At that same moment, a creature appears. No, he didn’t drop from above this time, he just appeared. He was fairly large, and carried a huge sword and shield. He looked like he would spontaneously combust in this place. He looked as if he came from a jungle…literally. He was made from leaves, twigs, and feathers, or so it seemed.

“Well, what are you waiting for?” I ask. He attacks. I block it with my sword, but I’m sent back a large distance. “Man, you got some real power.” And speed, too. He attacked at a lightning pace. I could barely keep up. I kept trying to dodge his moves, knowing if he stunned me long enough, he could land a hard blow. He continued attacking and at one point, I was in no position to evade. I block a strong horizontal slash. I’m hit so hard, he spins me around so my back is facing him. Knowing he’s about to kill me, I morph into a ball and roll through his legs. I barely avoid his sword, which would easily have sliced me in two. I drop a Power Bomb for good measure. He moves out of the impact zone and I un-morph.
He throws his shield. I try to block it, but the enormous mass of the shield caused me to backpedal right into a corner. He catches his shield and runs right toward me. He prepares to swing at me. I jump to the side, dodging the swing. I hop off of the wall, and slash his head. It hurts him, but he’s still standing. When I land, I made sure there was a lot of distance between us.

“I got a feeling this is going to take a while.” He plants his sword into the ground and it creates a shockwave. I jump over it and plant my sword into his head. Sweetness. He falls to the ground and I blast him with as many Missiles as I can. He throws me against a wall.
He tosses his shield again. I run towards him and I roll under the shield instead of blocking it. I fire a Missile at him. He blocks it with his sword. That gives me just enough time to slash through his chest. He falls to the ground…again. I keep my guard up, in case he gets back up. He doesn’t He…kinda disintegrates. When he’s gone, the doors open and a treasure chest appears. I blast it open. There’s a bow and some arrows inside.

“Gay.” I continue on. The boss room is right above the one I’m in now. But, to get there, I would have to take a seven room detour. That could potentially be the difference between life and death. At the same time, I feel that Missile energy coming back. It may be enough.
I aim upwards and take a shot. It blasts a hole through the ceiling. I jump up through it. Victoria isn’t here.

“Damn. Where is she?”

“Where is who?” Cross is here as well. “And what are you doing here? And don’t you know how to use a door?”

“Look, it’s…not important.”

“And I thought it was I who was always following you?” He says.

“Shut up.” Just before I jump back down, the floor rises. A very long snake-like dragon lizard appears from the lava surrounding the platform. He flies by us, shooting flames from his mouth and he returns to the lava.

“So, we got a hit and runner,” I say. He returns from the lava. We try to hit him with projectiles. Nothing is penetrating his outer shell. He returns to the lava again. A lot of these big creatures have thick exoskeletons. Their weak spots are…

“His face. Hit him in the face!” When he returns, Cross strikes him with numerous cards. He screams and flies up to the ceiling. He hits it and causes large rocks to fall from above. We start hopping and skipping, avoiding the rocks. The dragon swoops down, heading directly towards me. I grab the top of his mouth and ride him around the room. I fire a Missile down his throat and it explodes out of the other end. Yes, like a poop.

“This guy really is insane,” Cross says. The dragon shakes me off and I’m flying through the air. He then grabs me with his mouth, containing my arms as well.

“Crap, I’m stuck.” He drives me into the ground. Cross attempts to attack, but he’s smacked by the dragon’s tail. He’s knocked back and almost falls into the lava…magma. He grabs the ledge. The dragon picks me back up and he flies into the la…magma.

“Oh, this is going to be really painful.” We dive underneath the lava…magma, damnit, magma! It kinda hurts, but with that new fire-proof material, I’m able to live. The monster lets me go and returns to the surface to finish with Cross. I slowly make my way to the surface. I grab the platform and pull myself up. The monster is already gone and there’s a portal in the middle of the platform.

“Oh, you…finished him.”

“Yeah, he’s no match for my incredible skill.”

“That’s good.” I fall to my hands and knees. Cross walks up to me.

“You alright, dude?” he asks.

“I honestly don’t know. I got that warm feeling inside, but it’s a LOT warmer.”

“Well at least you’re not dead. Let’s get out of here.”

“Gimme a sec. I’ll catch up.” Cross enters the portal first. I notice my cannon is glowing a bright orange. “I wonder what this means.” I fire a Missile. “That’s nothing new…oh well.” I enter the portal.

The portal takes me back to Goron City, the place I was trying to avoid. Cross is talking to King Darunia. He notices me appear and gives me a weird look.

“OK, before you say anything, shut the hell up. I had my reasons for doing what I did. Unfortunately, that was a huge waste of my time.”

“How so?” asks the king.

“If you must know, I was searching for a woman who was captured by Link. He said she was in that temple.”

“So that’s what you were talking about,” Cross says.

“Yes, and since she’s not here, I must look elsewhere.” I begin to leave.

“Is there anything else we can do for you?”

“No, you’ve done enough. Thanks to your heat-resistant material, I survived a bath in a pool of lava.”

“Actually, inside the vol…” I interrupt Cross.

“I know, it’s called magma, whatever, I don’t care.”

“Hmm, well that is some very strong fabric. Take care on your search.” I leave Goron City. Thinking about where she may be, I figure I should return to Kokiri Forest. Why? Because Link knows the Kokiri’s absolutely despise me. It would be suicide to return there. So, I headed for the forest. On the way down the mountain, I hear someone behind me.

“What do you want?” I’m pretty sure it’s Cross.

“You know, just for future reference, I could have easily snuck you.” Yep, it’s him.

“But, you didn’t,” I respond.

“So, where you going?”

“Well, this is just a guess, but I think Link hid her in Kokiri Forest.”

“You’re not gonna…”

“I have no choice,” I reply. We make it to the base of the mountain.

“So, this girl. Who is she, exactly?”

“Her name is Victoria. She was the one who provided me with a certain rose petal that de-paralyzed my arm.” We pass her house and I’m filled with rage again. “That Link has pushed me too far.” I feel an odd warmth in my cannon again, which is still glowing orange.
“Calm down, dude. You’re about to explode…again.” I gotta figure out why my cannon is acting so weird. I aim forward. “W-What are you doing?” he asks.

“Relax.” I think flames, heat, fire. Through The Fire and Flames. Suddenly, a quick stream of fire…fires from my cannon. It hits a tree and it doesn’t just catch fire, but it’s instantly burned to ashes.

“What the heck was that?!”

“Plasma Beam…hunh. Looks like I got what I wanted. Moving along.” We leave Kakikiro Village.

“No, no, no. Explain yourself,” he demands.

“OK, in my time period, there are many types of ‘beams’ that we can acquire. Ice, Wave, Nova, Spazor. That was the Plasma Beam. Moving along.” We entered the Woods.

“Hey,” Cross says quietly. “There’s a Gerudo up in that tree over there.”

“Where?” I ask as I start to turn my head.

“No, don’t look. When we get behind this rock, I’ll sneak up behind her. Then, you follow behind.” We walk past the rock and he vanishes. Only I emerge from behind the rock.
“What? Where’s the other one?” the Gerudo asks quite loudly. I turn and look at her. She turns around to run and Cross is already there. “Whoa!” She turns back around and there I am.

“So, what have we here?” I ask. We grab her and tie her up to a tree.

“Now, you are gonna tell us something. Anything you wish,” says Cross.

“But, make sure it’s something juicy,” I add.

“What makes you think I’ll tell you creeps anything.”

“Creeps, hunh? Well, check this out.” I charge a Plasma shot. “I’ll show you how much of a creep I am. The contents of my cannon are kept at a temperature of about, hmmm, 2,500 degrees Fahrenheit. In simpler terms, this stuff is really, really, really freakin’ hot. One shot, and you’ll be baked to a crisp.”

“Yeah right, you’re bluffing.”

“Well, you see that tree over there?” I fire at the tree and demolish it. “Now what do you say?”

“Hmph, even if I die, I’ll keep my honor and you two will still know nothing.”

“Grrr? I just…you can’t…rrrrr!”

“Let me take care of this.” He pushes me aside and takes out one of those cards he uses.

“What is that gonna do?” I mumbled to myself. He throws one and it sticks onto a tree.

“You know, that may not have been the smartest thing to do,” he says.

“What are you talking about?” He hides behind a tree. “What is
your…” BOOOOM!!! The tree explodes and launches bark everywhere. “Crap!!” I dive behind another tree. “What was that?!?!”

“My new explosives. The Gorons hooked me up.” He places them all over her body; legs, arms, chest, and stomach. “With the slightest provocation, these cards will explode quite violently.”

“If I wasn’t scared of him, what makes you think this will frighten me?”

“Good question,” I say.

“Well, these cards are strategically placed so that you will barely be clinging to life after the detonation. You will be begging for someone to kill you.” I stare at him thinking that this is one sadistic fellow. He rolls a rock right by her foot.

“Darn, I missed,” Cross says. He throws another rock and it almost hits one of the cards.

“Ohh, that was close.”

“You know what they say: third time is the charm,” I say. He picks up another rock.

“You feeling lucky?” No answer. He throws the rock and she flinches. I shoot it just before it hits her.

“Sorry, it slipped,” I said.

“OK, OK, the Zoras are looking for their Sapphire and they’re offering a huge reward for anyone who finds it. Go to the Zora Domain and talk to King Zora.”

“See, that wasn’t so bad.” Cross leaves.

“You should’ve seen the look on your face. Priceless. Oh, and one more thing. Would I be standing here if this would really create a giant explosion?” I smack a card on her arm. They explode, but it only creates a large cloud of smoke.

“Think about it.” I leave her and catch up with Cross.

“How did you know they weren’t real?” Cross inquires.

“Common sense.”

“I didn’t know you had common sense.”

“Oh yeah. It told me that I would be the only person crazy enough to try something like that.”

“Good point,” he responds.

“We aren’t actually going there, are we?” I ask him.

“Why not?”

“It could be a setup.”

“Well, it wouldn’t hurt. Besides, Link may have hid your friend there. Only members of Zelda’s royal family may enter.” He raised a good point.

“I suppose you’re right. It would be better than confronting the Kokiris.”

“Only problem is since they are so tightly connected with each other, they will easily know who you are, and not hesitate to confront you.”

“So?” I whispered. I already put on my monk robe.

“Alright, let’s go.”


Yes? No? Maybe so? If I'm not mistaking, we've finally passed the halfway point. I'm not sure how long most fanfics are, but I really do hope you're enjoying it.

 

[maniac200]

Good story, you have a very unique writing style. Hope more comes soon!

 

[The Phazon Assassin]

So, uhhh, I kinda forgot about this somehow. My apologies. I'll make it up to you all by giving you a nice chunk of story to read.


We reached the entrance to the Zora Domain. It was blocked by a great waterfall. On the ground was a plaque that said: Play the song of the Royal Family…or some crap like that, I don’t pay much attention to detail.

“Well, we tried.” I walk away, but Cross grabs me and yanks me back. “What!”

“Watch and learn.” He pulls out a flute and plays a song. The waterfall separates. I put my hand on his shoulder.

“Cross…that was beyond gay. I mean, damn, you should be in the forest with all them pixie wimps.”

“This coming from the guy who was manhandled by these pixies?” he returns.

“Hey, I’d rather get my *** handed to me by a bunch of those fairies….than to be one. HA!” I start laughing and he jumps through the waterfall. The waterfall closes. I stop chuckling.

“Yo, open these doors…I mean open this…waterfall.” I start laughing again.

“Maybe I can open it myself. ‘Doo doo doo doo doo.’” I played the same song he just did, but nothing happened. “Ah, whatever.” I charge my plasma beam and shoot it at the waterfall. It causes it to steam up temporarily, giving me some room to jump through. I entered the domain and my thoughts, for some reason, turned to Lake Hylia. I felt the same way here as I did at the lake. I notice a large pond in the center of this place. There was also a tiny hole underwater in one of the walls. I wondered where it went. I catch up with Cross, who is talking to one of the creatures which I had never seen before.

“The king is on the top story. Please enjoy your stay with us.”

“Thank you.” We head to the pathway leading to the king. “Let me do the talking,” Cross says.

“Really? Was that even called for?” He was rubbing in the fact that I’m reduced to whispering.

“King Zora, I presume?”

“Correct, and who might you be?” the king inquires.

“I am Cross and we are here to locate the missing Zora Sapphire.”

“We already know where it is. However, we cannot get a hold of it. Our Princess Ruto went to obtain it, but she has never returned.”

“Where is it?” Cross asks.

“Behind our domain is a body of water where a large creature lives named Jabu-Jabu.”

“OK,” Cross responds.

“He…swallowed the sapphire.”

“Hell no, I’m gone.” I whispered to Cross. I attempt to leave but Cross grabs me again.

“We will do our best to find your princess and return the Zora Sapphire.” We climb the stairway that leads to the lake in the back. When we’re alone, I confront him.

“What the hell were you thinking?!” I loudly whisper…can you do that? Whisper loudly? “Do you know what it’s like inside a creature?! It ain’t pretty. Trust me, I know…I can’t believe you!”

“Look, we just go in, rescue the princess, kill the boss, grab the sapphire, and we’re out.”

“You’d better be right, or your *** is mine.” We enter the creature’s mouth, voluntarily even. “This is horrible. How can a creature’s innards form a friggin’ dungeon?”

“Stop crying and start moving.” We entered the next room and we see a Zora.

“There’s no way,” I say.

“You wouldn’t happen to be Princess Ruto?” Cross asks.

“As a matter of fact, I am,” she responds. I start to chuckle.

“What’s so funny?” Cross asks.

“She only made it to the second room.”

“Why are you whispering?” Ruto questions.

“Sore throat,” I reply.

“You are such an idiot.”

“Let me see you come of with a better lie!”

“Excuse me!” Ruto interrupts. “Aren’t you here to rescue me?”

“Uhh, yes we are.”

“Well, let’s go! The sapphire is this way.” She goes through a door.

“This is going to be a long fight,” I say as we follow her through the door.

“What is taking you so long?!” She continues forward and falls through…something.

“I can’t say she didn’t deserve that.”

“Should we drop?” Cross asks.

“Might as well.” We fall down below and see Ruto.

“Could you, you know…stay with us?” I request.

“Fine, but move fast. I don’t have all day.”

“Well, neither do we, but you running amok around here isn’t helping.” Cross says.

“Besides, weren’t you stuck in here for quite some time?” I add.

“Hmph, just get me out of here.” Since we can’t go up, we enter the single door on this level. There’s a gap leading to the next door.

“I can’t jump that far,” Ruto says.

“What, it’s like two feet!” Cross replies.

“Someone let me ride on their back.”

“Man, this chick is a stuck-up bitch!” There, I said it.

“Why are you whispering? Are you still talking about me?”

“No, no, of course not,” I say.

“Well, who’s gonna carry me?”

“I ain’t doin’ it,” I quickly say.

“Well, what makes you think I will?”

“Because I’m not.”

“OK, well let’s just see who is the man behind the hood.”

“Rrrrrr! Fine, but you’re doing everything else.”

“Weeeee!!” Ruto jumps on my back.

“And I mean EVERYTHING.” Luckily she wasn’t too heavy. We jump the gap and continue further ahead. There’s an “elevator” of sorts that takes us to the floor we just dropped from.

“Well, here we are…again,” I say. We enter the same door with the odd holes we went through earlier.

“You know you can get down now, right?”

“No. Giddyup!” This is why we refused to volunteer. In the next room, there were three different paths to take, each a different color; red, blue and green. Two of them were blocked by something I could only describe as a mutating pillar.

“What is that thing?” he asks.

“I don’t know…maybe you should touch it,” I respond.

“You’re the reckless one. You touch it.”

“Uhh, remember our agreement? You do EVERYTHING.”

“Fine.” He slowly approaches it. He reaches his arm out until he’s inches away.

“RAAHH!” he jumps, like, really high. I start laughing, gut bustingly hard.

“What the hell is your problem?”

“Look, forget about that. You just go on ahead. We’ll wait here.”

“…” Cross enters the left doorway. I don’t know what’s going on, but I hear a loud, mutated scream. The right pathway opens and Cross returns.

“What was that?” I ask him.

“You need not know.” He enters the right door and there’s an identical scream. The middle path opens. Cross re-enters and we go through the third and final door. We jump onto a large platform. The room has a hole in the ceiling roughly the same shape as the platform. I make the assumption that this is an elevator.

“OK, going up,” I say. Naturally, we go nowhere. “Well, I guess some creature is coming to get us.”

“But, what will it be?” Cross questions. We wait…and wait…and wait.

“This is getting ridiculous.” I kick Ruto of my back and I re-enter the previous room.

“Maybe he missed something.” I go into the first room. Nothing. The second room on the right had a white, crystal-like…thing. I don’t know what it is so I shoot it with a Plasma shot. I feel some rumbling.

“Please don’t tell me.” I return to the “elevator.” It’s gone. “Yes, of course it’s gone.” …Are you talking to me? I didn’t think so. Didn’t think so. When it comes back down, there’s a large octopus on the platform and he jumps into the shallow water surrounding it.

“How, exactly, do I get stuck fighting this thing?” I jump onto his head and bash the hilt of my sword into his eye. He screams and shakes me off. I notice his long tail and something glowing a bright blue. First, I stomp on the tail and give it a quick slash. It separates from his body. I then shoot the blue orb with a Super Missile. The monster screams again, then dies.

“Wuss.” I hop onto the platform. “…Come on!!!…Man, this is some BULL!” I shoot a Missile just as I jump. I grab the upper ledge and pull myself up. Cross and Ruto aren’t here. I’m assuming Cross destroyed everything so I just go through one door after another. One door I got to was locked for some reason.

“What’s this? I didn’t see anything to unlock this door.” Then, I remembered we are inside a giant creature. I’ll just burn him. I place my cannon on the door and fire a charged Plasma shot. There was a low grumble and the door opens. Inside, there was a large creature producing a lot of electricity.

“Well, you certainly took your time,” Cross says.

“I got the elevator working, didn’t I?”

“Just help me with this thing. Get the tentacles.” I see lots of tentacles coming out of the top of the thing. We destroy these and a core is exposed. Me and Cross hack and slash as much as we can before the core covers itself and the tentacles reappear. They form a giant wall and begin rotating around the room. There’s just enough room against the wall for all of us to avoid them. Just after they pass me for the third time, I stand forward. Just before they reach me, I quickly slash downward, destroying all of the arms. The core is revealed again. I run toward it and Cross follows, but before I attack, The core covers itself and I’m stuck inside. Cross is knocked back, as well. While inside the monster, I feel many, many volts of electricity running through my body. Then, he spits me out and I’m slammed into the wall.

“You alright?” Cross asks. I gingerly stand to my feet.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” Cross makes quick work with the rest of the boss with one of his super cards. After he throws it, he covers Princess Ruto. The explosion obliterates the…thing. The Sapphire is revealed.

“Yaaay, the Zora Sapphire!” She runs toward it.

“Wait,” Cross says. “Something isn’t right.” I approach the sapphire slowly. Suddenly, the monster reappears and the tentacles pin me to the ground. Before I can raise my sword, they pin my arm down as well. They start to pump electricity through me again. Cross grabs the tentacles with his chain, but they slam him against the wall before he can destroy them. The remaining arms begin to pursue Ruto.

“Help me!!” The tentacles have her cornered.

“Shoot it!!” Cross commands.

“No, I can’t!”

“Damnit, will you just do it?! Forget the consequences!”
“I won’t do it!!” I feel that powerful energy returning to my cannon. I have no choice but to fire a Super Missile at the creature. The creature is destroyed…again. I hope this time it’s for good. Ruto escapes unharmed. Me and Cross stand to our feet…Look, I know it should say Cross and I, but this is a very informal and casual piece of literature. Leave me be.

“Hey, you’re that bad guy everyone wants to kill. I’m telling daddy!” She runs into the portal and takes the Sapphire with her.

“This is not going to end well,” I say in my normal voice. We enter the portal and we appear in front of the Zora’s king, the princess, and a couple dozen Zoras surrounding us.

“OK, look, I am the guy.” I remove my robe. “But, I did the right thing. You have your Sapphire, and nobody’s dead. Everyone wins here. Can you really get mad?”

“Yes. You deceived us. You attempted to steal from our people.”

“Grrr? Where is this coming from?”

“Seize them!” They charge at us. I’m thinking this’ll be the fourth time I’ll be imprisoned. It’s the Same Old Song and Dance, over and over again.

“WAIT!!!” the princess shrieks. Everyone halts. “You don’t understand. If it wasn’t for him, I would’ve been killed.”

“Hmmm, is this true?”

“Yes, it is,” Cross replies.

“It seems as though I jumped to conclusions.”

“Ya think?” I say.

“I assumed you were an enemy and I apologize.”

“You’d better.” Cross lightly hits me.

“Allow me to keep my end of the bargain.”

“No, I’m through here.” I start to leave and Cross grabs me for a third time. I finally snap
and I punch him in the stomach.

“Grab me like that again and I’ll rip your face off and wear it as a mask…Y’all have a nice day.” I leave Zora Domain. When I jump through the open waterfall, I see the Gerudo army down by the entrance to this area.

“What the hell is this?” The Gerudos see me.

“There he is!!” They start to climb their way to where I’m standing. It’s a long trip so they’re gonna take a while. Cross exits the Zora territory.

“What’s going on?” he asks.

“This probably isn’t true, but do you remember the setup I was talking about?”

“…Naw, that can’t be it. You were just Paranoid.”

“Well, explain this…It was probably those Zoras. As soon as Ruto said I was there, they called in reinforcements, and they didn’t go cheap either.”

“They wouldn’t do that,” Cross responds.

“Wanna bet? Follow me.” They were still making their way up while we run back inside.

“Come on, we can take ‘em,” he says.

“And you think I’m crazy?” We reach the pond. “Jump in.”

“WHAT?!”

“Come on and jump IN!!” I dive in and swim into the hole in the side of that wall. The path took us to Lake Hylia, which confirms the serenity I felt at the Zora Domain. We resurface and I take a huge breath.

“Aren’t you…outta breath?” I ask.

“No, the Zora’s gave me a…”

“Don’t even finish.” We get out of the lake. “Well, now what?”

“What ever happened to the Kokiris?” he inquires.

“What about them?” We leave the area.

“You said you were going to look for Victoria at Kokiri Forest.”

“Yeah, well, after all we just went through,” I say, “I’m sure he wouldn’t put her with the Kokiris.”

“Hey, we could check the Gerudo Nation. If the Zoras are so…”

“HELL no! You must be out of your mind! I already risked my life going in there to help out Victoria.”

“Wait, what?”

“She wouldn’t give me the leaf unless I helped her…unless I conquered a dungeon for her, which was deep inside Gerudo Valley. I ain’t going out there anymore.”

“You sure? They got lots of stolen goods that we can re-steal…or is it un-steal…maybe it’s de-steal. No, it’s re-steal."

“Yeah, and you are re-tarded. You go do whatever you got to do.”

“Alright, but it’s your loss,” he says.

“It would be even more so if I went with you.” We head our separate ways. I go into the marketplace to relax for a while. As soon as I enter, everyone suddenly goes evil…it felt like it anyway.

“That’s him! That’s the guy!!” The weapons vendor is pointing at me.

“What did I do?”

“You stole a 70,000 Rupee sword!” he says.

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that.” The commoners pounce. They jump on top of me. I roll into a ball and escape to the back alley. I noticed there was a path, but I had no clue where it went. I walked down the road and found a large field and a castle.

“I wonder what’s inside.” As I turn the corner, I see a guard, watching a huge gate. I step back. I notice a vine on the side of a cliff.

“Ten bucks says it breaks.” I pull on it. It’s pretty tough. I start to climb. “Looks like I was wrong.” I get to the top and I analyze the guards up ahead. I count about twenty of them.
“Man, they must be hiding something big.” I get behind the gate and drop down. I stay along the wall, away from the field. There’s someone standing watch along an opening in the wall. There’s only a boulder behind him. I don’t know what he’s looking for, but I run to a tree in the middle of the field. No one has seen me yet. The castle itself is completely surrounded by a fence. I see a guard in front of an opening and two behind it. The first guard seems to have a system. He turns around just about every five seconds. When he turns his back, I start sneaking toward him. He turns around sooner than I thought he would.

“Crap!!” I roll into a ball and freeze. The guard approaches me.

“Wow, I’ve never seen anything like this before.” I want to drop a Power Bomb so bad, but I resist the urge. I jump up, ramming him in the face. He falls back. I un-morph and crack him upside his head.

“Don’t touch me.” I’m thinking about how to get past the two guards at the gate. I can’t jump over it because I’ll easily be spotted. I can’t roll through because I’ll…easily be spotted. I guess I’ll just do the classic “shoot a Missile into the ground and blow up some dust” maneuver. I fire a Missile into the ground in front of the guards. It doesn’t do anything but make an explosion. They spot me. I run forward, jump, and kick them both, one after another. I run around the corner where there’s a convenient hole in the side of the castle. I roll into it. I’m now inside the castle. Up ahead are some more watchmen. There are two in every section and they’re all just walking around in circles. I just simply look for my opening, sneak behind them, and move on. When I make it past all the guards, I find Link and Zelda, enjoying a peaceful meal on a beautiful, warm spring day. The birds are singing sweet…I’m sorry, I don’t know what came over me.

“This will be fun.” I charge a Plasma shot and fire it at the table. “You know, you really need to hire some new guards.”

“YOU?! How did you find us?” Zelda asks.

“That’s not important. These are some sweet digs you got here. I could see why you would be hiding out here.”

“And how did you get past the guards?” Link questions.

“Dude, your guards suck ass. They couldn’t see me if I had huge neon lights surrounding me.”

“Well, let’s see how you do now. Guards!!” They vanish. A bunch of guards enter from behind me. I jump to the other side of the “arena.”

“Don’t move now.” I kneel down and point my cannon to the ground. “Stay…stay…good
boy.” One guard runs toward me. I fire some Plasma and it creates a stream of fire, shooting forward on the ground. He jumps back.

“Bad dog. Bad dog.” I stand up. “Look, I don’t want to hurt any of you…any more of you, but if you force me, then I will use force…Did that come out right?”

“Who do you think you are?” one of the guards asks.

“If you keep acting like this, I’ll be the cause of death on your certificate…no, that was lame. Let me try that again. Ahem. If you keep this up…”

“I’ve had enough!” Another guard dashes at me.

“I said I wasn’t done.” I unsheathe my sword and easily take out the first guard by slicing right through his weapon. Two more come at me. The first one attacks, but I dodge it. The second guard attacks, but I parry his swipe and I knock him into the first guard. They both turn around and simultaneously attack. I stop them both with my cannon. I push them away, point my cannon to the ground, shoot a Missile, and blast them away with a shockwave move of my own. It wasn’t that spectacular. I don’t see the point of that move.
Three rivals now attack at the same time. I prop myself on two of the guards’ shoulders, execute a back flip, and kick the third guard. When I land, I quickly hit the guy on the left with a hilt strike and stab the right guard…right guard…I got a book coming out…not this one.

“OK, you there. Come here. Yeah, you.” I point my cannon at a random guard. He cowards behind the group. “Oh, sorry.” I sheathed my sword. “Alright, you there. Get over here for a second. Please?” They push one of them toward me. I put my arm around his shoulder.

“Check this out. I have always wanted to do this. You know, calmly talk to a guy who is deathly afraid of me. Why? I don’t really know why people do it, but I gotta tell you, it’s pretty fun. I bet you’re feeling some sort of…comfort. Are you?”

“Uhh, no…not really,” he responds.

“WELL WHY NOT?!?!?!?!” All of the guards leave the area. “Man, I love myself…Hi.” I start to look around, peeking through several windows. “Wow, I could really picture myself living here. Of course, I need some real guards, but…” I find Victoria tied up in a chair behind one of the windows.

“Gasp! Victoria!” I actually said “gasp.” Why? I don't know, Impulse. I punch through the glass pane and release her from her captivity. “Are you alright?”

“Yes. I thought you would never find me.” She gives me a hug.

“I would never let anything happen to you.” She gives me an odd look. “I would…try to anyway…I mean…I’m not superman…” She cracks me on the head. “So, you were here the whole time?”

“Actually, when they snatched me, they brought me into the fire temple, then disguised me as Zelda, so they could easily bring me here.”

“So, where did Zelda go?” I ask, missing the big picture.

“She teleported somewhere when we entered, then Link and I left the temple.”

“Hmph…hold on. That wasn’t Zelda?”

“Nope,” she responds.

“You mean…” Another stick to the head. “Oh man, I am so sorry. I mean, I had no idea. I thought you were her and I just reacted…I am so sorry.”

“That’s OK, everything is fine now.”

“Well, not quite. It’s too dangerous for you to be out there alone. You’re gonna have to stay with me until this garbage is taken care of.”

“Alright, but how do we get out of here? There are guards everywhere.”

“Psh, please.” We return to the scene of the guard “battle.” I own these people.”

“Wait, before we go…I need to ask you for a favor.”

“Sure,” I respond. “What is it?”

“I want to trust you, and I want you to trust me.”

“I do trust you.”

“It’s…not that simple,” she responds.

“Ummm, ok, what do you suggest.”

“I want you to…take my innocence.” I froze.

“Wh-wh……what?”

“It’s the only way to create a true bond.” She pushes me against a wall.

“I, uhhh, we cold just……” I closed my eyes.

“…You are such a loser.”

“Hunh? What?”

“I can’t believe you fell for that. Did you really think I was serious?” she asks as she walks away.

“No…” I said while looking down at the floor. We exit and return to the castle entrance. When we reach the alleyway leading to the marketplace, I remembered I can’t be seen.

“Uhh, Victoria…I need you to, ummm, cause some sort of… commotion.”

“Why?” she inquires.

“Well, see, I kinda stole a 70,000 Rupee piece of equipment.”

“What? You stole that sword? I thought you got a discount?”

“Yeah, a five finger discount. Look, can’t you just go out and flash everyone again?” She
cracks me with another stick. “Ouch!”

“I wish you would stop saying that. Is there anyone you haven’t angered?”

“Uhh, you?” I say with a cheesy smile on my face.

“(sigh) Alright.” She enters the marketplace. With a very unconvincing tone, she shouts, “Oh my gosh, it’s a Gerudo!” Everyone panics. I run through unnoticed and leave the market.

“Thanks for that.” Just then, we run into Cross. “Hey, look who it is…So, how was your pillaging?”

“Good, good, and who would this be?” he inquires.

“My name is Victoria.”

“So you’re the one he’s been looking for?”

“That would be me.”

“Hey, have you visited Lon Lon Ranch yet?” he asks.

“Uhh, no,” I respond.

“You’re joking, right?” Victoria jumps in.

“They’ve got the best milk you could find.” I chuckle a bit.

“…So?”

“Come on,” Cross requests. “We’ll get a Chateau Romani, on me.”

“Alright, whatever. As long as I ain’t paying.” He takes us to a farm. In the center was a pen, but there were no animals inside.

“This place ain’t right,” I say. We enter the large corral. “OK, where’s my milk?” All of a sudden, Gerudos start appearing around us until we are completely surrounded.

“What’s going on?” asks Victoria.

“That’s what I want to know.” Cross is silent. “What the hell are you up to?”

“Well done, Cross.” I glare at him. “So, TUSM, we meet again.”

“What is this all about?” I ask.

“You see, your friend over there was willing to give you up in order to become one of us.”

“Are you serious?”

“Sorry, but things must be done,” he says.

“Really?” I say to Cross in a low voice. “Things must be done, hunh? OK, how about this? Hey, he stole from you!!!” There’s a collective “what” from everyone, including Cross and Victoria.

“I don’t know what he’s talking about. He’s just looking for a way out of here.”

“Oh yeah?” I grab a chain from around his neck, the same chain all of the Gerudos wear.

“Explain this!” I throw it to the ground. “Didn’t think I knew, hunh?”

“…You bastard!!” He throws a swift kick at me, but I barely duck under it. I unsheathe my sword and attack. The Gerudos are talking quietly amongst themselves.

“Should we stop them?

“No, let them tire out. Then, we’ll contain them.”

“The girl too?”

“Hmmm, yes, why not. We could have some fun with these three.” Cross back flips over my
swipe and tosses some cards down. They produce a smoke screen. He charges at me and knocks me down. He tries to jump on top of me, but I kick him back, stand up, and fire a Missile. He dodges it, then strikes with his chain. I sidestep the attack.

“Uh, guys,” Victoria says softly. “Isn’t there something strange about them letting you fight?”

“No.”

“Not really.”

“They want you to get exhausted so they can capture us easier…no, capture you easier.” We run towards each other and pretend to attack.

“On three, we fall,” I command.

“Why should I listen to you?”

“Unlike you, I’m not corrupt like some people.”

“Fine.”

“One, two, three.” We attack and fall to the ground. She cracks us both with sticks.

“…Don’t you two listen to anything?” Victoria asks. The Gerudos close in. “NOW!!” At that moment, Cross and Victoria grab my arms and start to teleport.

“WHOA!!!!!” I snatch my arms away and they disappear. “Dumbasses…oh, you’re all still here…Look at that!” I point at an
oversized, solitary tree.

“You’re kidding. That’s the oldest trick in the book.”

“But this isn’t.” I fire some Plasma to light it up and fire a Missile to completely obliterate it. Flaming bark is flung everywhere. They flinch just enough for me to get out of there unseen.
I left the ranch looking for Cross and Victoria. I see Cross by the entrance to the marketplace. Thinking about how he sold me out and the way he endangered Victoria, I let out the most powerful Super Missile ever, just short of self-detonation. Since the firing was so loud, he hears it coming, but doesn’t have time to move…BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!! The explosion is huge. There is no possible way he survived. And yet, there he is, inside of some blue aura. When he lets down his shield, I dart towards him. As he blocks my first attack, there’s a very loud clang.

“I can’t believe you would sink so low.” I push him away. “I wouldn’t even do something like that, and everyone thinks I’M the bad guy!” I attack him with a series of swings. He blocks all of them. “What were you thinking?” With the last hit, I knock his chain out of his hand. He reaches for a card, but I put my sword right against his neck. I start charging a Plasma shot.
“I thought that I would be staring down Link like this, but he pales in comparison to your performance. And to think…nah, I’m not even gonna say it.” Just before I fire, someone fires something into my back and pulls me away. Then, they hold a very, very long sword to my neck…ain’t that something?

“Don’t move.” The person disguises his voice.

“Who the hell are you?” CRACK! “…Victoria? What are you doing?”

“Shut up.”

“Grrr?! What is going on here?”

“Aww, isn’t that cute. You just got disowned by your girlfriend.” I fire a quick beam of Plasma at his foot. It catches fire. “What the hell?!” He dips it into the moat. Victoria releases me.

“What are you doing?” I ask again.

“I could ask you the same thing.”

“Did you see what he tried to pull back there? I know you did. You were there. He put you in great danger.”

“Listen, I understand what you two are going through. But, the problem is bigger than you two idiots. You should be focusing on Link and Zelda.”

“…Fine, let’s go. Oh, by the way. If you even think about pulling some crap like that again, I will not hesitate to end your life.” By the way, I wasn't talking to Cross.


Trying to get that debacle out of my head, we head to Kokiri Forest to ask about the location of Link and Zelda.

“Are you OK?” Victoria asks.

“I’m as good as someone could be after being backstabbed several times over, one time actually being stabbed.”

“He wouldn’t just do that to you. I’m sure he had good intentions.”

“He knew the Gerudos wanted me, probably more than any other clan. I can’t believe that asshole. And what was with that whole ‘grab me and teleport me in half’ thing?”

“That was an accident,” she responds. “I didn’t think he was going to grab you.”

“Shoot, that would’ve been the most painful thing anyone could possibly go through. I’d rather fall off the Cliffs of Dover.”

“Look, forget about all that. It’s in the past. You know who you’re after.”

“Yeah…” Just before we entered the forest, a group of Sheikahs appear. I unsheathe my sword.

“What is wrong with you?” she whispers.

“Cross used to be one of these guys. They protect Zelda, so they see me as an enemy.”

“Sheathe your weapon, we are not here to (Guitar) Battle (Vs. Slash).” I lower my guard.

“We are looking for a runaway Sheikah named Cross.”

“Cross…” I looked at Victoria, who is giving me a “don’t even think about it” look. “(sigh) Never heard of him.” They step Closer.

“We know you’ve been around him recently. We know about his hut that you demolished.”

“We also know about the Lon Lon Ranch incident.”

“Grrr? How do you know about that? It just happened like…never, it…never happened…OK, fine. He was at the marketplace entrance. That was the last I’ve seen of him.”

“That’s more like it.” They disappear. Victoria breaks another stick on my head.

“What!? I tried, but they knew. I couldn’t hide it. Besides, he deserved it.”

“You are such an inconsiderate, insensitive jerk.” She bolts into the forest. I wait a little bit.

“I can’t believe this! Someone turns me in for who knows what, and I’m a jerk?! I’ll show you a jerk!” Building up energy to release a giant Missile, I run in and shoot it up in the air. The Kokiris panic.

“Alright, listen up!!!” Everyone stops and looks at me. “I’m looking for Link. I’m sure he stopped by once or twice. Where is he?!”

“W-We don’t know! He never came back after he f-found the Master Sword.”

“Grrr?”

“It’s true. He never returned.” That’s weird. You would assume he would report back home.

“Haven’t you wondered where he’s been all this time?”

“Yeah, but after we found him, we saw what you did to the king.”

“You do realize he’s been out there causing more trouble than me?” I ask.

“What? That can’t be. You killed the Great Deku Tree!”

“Listen.” I start to approach them. They step back. “I’m not really a bad person. I just made a lot of mistakes…and a bunch of bad decisions. The Great Deku Tree thing was an accident. I had no clue where I was and I can only offer my deepest apologies. And, I only…killed the king because he asked me to. It was the only way he would see me as a true swordsman and let me obtain the Falcon Sword. Everything that I have done, I have a reason for, and it all points to Link. Link and Zelda are the reasons for all the insanity in this world, or at least I think so. I’m trying to make things right, despite the fact that I don’t belong here. I’ve done some stupid things in the past, but I’m trying to make up for that…” Mumbling to myself. “Man, that was gay.” The Kokiris begin talking to each other.

“That sounded…real. I think he meant it.”

“Yeah, me too.”

“I guess he’s not…THAT bad.”

“Well, what should we do?” they ask me.

“Hmmm, I guess the only thing is to try looking for Link again. It’s dangerous out there, so I’ll understand if…”

“Let’s get him!!” The Kokiris charge put of the forest.

“Huh. Maybe things are finally starting to turn around. Maybe karma is…” I am hit with a light arrow. Then, someone picks me up and slams me against a wall.

“What the HELL is your problem?!” It’s Victoria.

“Damnit, girl, what is YOUR problem?”

“Can’t you go anywhere without starting some sort of disorder?”

“OK, I’m going to ignore everything if you let me go now.”

“Answer my question!” she demands.

“You know what? That was just a threat earlier, but obviously, you’re calling my bluff. Let me go or die.”

“What?”

“I said…”

“I know what you said,” she says. “Why are you acting like this?”

“Because, right now, I don’t like the way you are acting. I told you if you attempt something like this again, I would kill you. Let…me…go…” She releases me.

“Look, I’m sorry. I just don’t appreciate the way you handled that situation.”

“I only did it because of what you said.”

“What did I say?” she asks.

“When you called me a jerk because of what I did to Cross. You made it look like he was the victim.

“…You’re right. It’s just that when you deal with someone with a status as yours, it’s hard to take your side.”

“OK, how about this. We wipe the slate clean. You forget all that stuff in the past, and I’ll control my temper. Try to anyway.”

“Alright, I guess we could do that.” We start to exit the forest. “Oh, and one more thing.” WHACK!

“What was that for?!” I ask. “I thought we were starting fresh?”

“We are. That was for threatening to kill me.”

“It wasn’t a threat, it was a warning…naw, it was a threat” We’re now out of the forest and heading to Zora’s Domain. “Hey, if you don’t mind me asking, where did you get that sword from? It’s very well crafted.”

“Oh, the Goron on Death Mountain made it for me. He calls it the Biggoron’s sword.”

“Hmmm, that’s a fitting name. OK, why did you make me conquer that dungeon for you? You have an excellent sword, and you are just as aggressive as I am, maybe more.”

“To tell you the truth, I was going to do it myself. It just so happens that you popped up, wanting something from me. So, I made up an excuse so I wouldn’t have to, well, work.”

“…I don’t like you right now.”

“Why not?” she asks. “Because I outsmarted you?”

“Well…yes, you are smart. Devious, even. But, you tricked me, and I don’t appreciate that.”

“Oh, shut up you big baby.” We make it to Zora’s Domain. “No commotion, please?”

“Alright, but I make no promises, despite what I said earlier.” She hits me with a stick. “I said I would TRY!” We go in and see King Zora and Princess Ruto.

“Hey, you came back,” Ruto says.

“Yes, it’s good to see you too. Listen, have either of you seen Link or Zelda recently?”

“Why do you ask?” the king asks.

“Well, see I, uhhh…”

“We need to report a rogue Sheikah roaming around our world. His name is…”

“Lucas.” I say.

“I haven’t seen them, but if we do, we will relay the message to them.”

“Thank you.” We leave. “How come you didn’t mention Cross?”

“Eh, sometimes you gotta let people slide. Besides, they know me and Cross were previously together, so I couldn’t tell them.” We are now heading to Goron City. We pass by her house and something pops in my head.

“Where do you get all of those sticks from? Seriously.”

“What? Do you mean these?” She whacks me with another one.

“Yes…those…”

“I can’t tell.”

“OK, you are either gonna tell me, or burn those sticks.” She hits me.

“Uhhh, no,” she replies.

“Now, you’re taking my lines? Hell no.” I kick her in the back of the knee, not full strength however. I start running. “Now what?!” I scale Death Mountain. Just before I entered Goron City, Victoria appeared and clotheslines me. No, not with a stick, but with her arm. She’s diesel as heck. She knocked me flat on my back.

“Ouch,” I say as she kneels down.

“You’re an idiot.” She pats my head and enters the city.

“I should’ve seen that coming.” I get up and find King Darunia.

“Welcome back, TUSM.” The king says.

“Thank you. I would like to ask you something.”

“Of course, what is it?”

“We are looking for Link and Zelda.” Victoria says. “Have you seen them anywhere?”

“Now that you mention it, something has been weird over at Hyrule Castle. All of the regular guards have been replaced by Gerudos. Whatever is going on over there, they don’t want anyone to find out.”

“That does sound odd. Thanks for the info.”

“Should we go?” Victoria asks.

“Yeah, but not just yet. I need some rest. I’m gonna catch some Z’s in one of these tunnels. You don’t mind, do you?”

“Uhhh, no. Be my…guest.”

“Thanks.” I walk into one of the tunnels. I sit down in a corner. It’s not greatly comfortable,
but it’s dark and cool.

“You know you don’t have to stay here.”

“I know, but I need some sleep as well.” We both doze off. Successfully, as well.




“I made this for you. I never wanted you to leave, but since there’s no choice, here’s something to remember us by.”

“Thank you.” Just as he puts on the bracelet, those creatures come in.

“Get in!! We’ll hold off these Space Pirates!” He enters the machine.

“I’ll miss you big sis.” She set the co-ordinates and the time capsule takes off. His remaining family members eliminate the Space Pirates in their quarters. They put on their Power Suits.

“Let’s go!” They leave the residence. Outside, there’s an absolute war going on. The Space Pirates versus the Zebesians. There were thousands of blasts, hundreds of explosions, and plenty of casualties.

“Well, come on!” They enter the fray. They start firing numerous shots at the enemies. Utilizing all of their weaponry, they eliminate pirate after pirate. Dodging numerous blasts, they continue pressing through, eradicating anything in their way. Just behind them, there’s a large explosion. It’s followed by a scream.

“Dad!!” the sister shouts.

“I’m OK. Keep pushing!!”

“Are you sure?” the mother asks.

“Yes, I’m fine. GO!!” Just like those classic films. Never gets old…right? Please say yes.
They look around to find the source of the blast. There are two fighter ships in the air.

“Use your Ice Beam!” They fire two blasts at the aircraft and they are immediately frozen over. They fall from the sky and shatter upon impact on the ground.

“Nice shooting.” A Space Pirate charges at one of the Zebesians from behind. They’re holding a plasma sword. Using what is known as the Grappling Beam, the sister grabs onto the pirate and throws it up into the air. Then, it is destroyed by Missiles coming from numerous directions.

“Thanks!!” the guy yells. Suddenly, he lets out a moan. He then falls to the ground.

“What was that?” the sister asks.

“…They’re invisible. Use your heat visor.” The heat visor can track enemies using heat sensitive finding stuff. I don’t know the technical terms. They activate the visor and see lots of red pirates, one of which is heading toward them.

“Look out!!” The mother is hit before either can react. The sister shoots the Space Pirate with a charged up Ice Beam and he is instantly frozen. She shoots it with a Missile and the ice breaks. She sees if her mother is OK.

“I’m fine. Keep our family’s honor alive.” The battle wages on for days. The Space Pirates never seemed to stop coming. The Zebesians did, however. After a grueling week of fending of thousands of Space Pirates, only one remained. Her name is Samus. The Space Pirates retrieved a Chozo artifact mentioning someone known as “The Hatchling” who would single handedly overwhelm their invasion. The Space Pirates labeled her “The Hunter” and sent entire troops to eliminate her. But, she massacred everything that stood in her way. Even the strongest Omega Elite Pirates couldn’t stand a chance. She eradicated the entire pirate army and saved her home world. Unfortunately, she was the sole survivor. Life would never be the same.

Will your story be different?


Press START to Begin


Hmmm.....I honestly don't know where that came from, but it's here in it's unedited form.

Also, the whole Ruto/Tentacle thing was COMPLETELY unintentional. Tentacle **** was nowhere near my mind when I wrote that seen, and I didn't realize that until just now, probably around 6 months after I wrote it, maybe more.

Well, I hope you enjoyed today's episode, and stay tuned for........whoever posts next.

 

[professor mgw]

This is good so far, i give it 3 out of 5, 7.5 outta 10.

 

[The Phazon Assassin]

And we're back with more fanfic for those of you who like reading them.


I awaken from my dream.

“Oh crap.” Victoria gets up as well.

“What is it?”

“I had a dream.”

“Good or bad?” she asks.

“Well, I don’t exactly know. See, I had one of those premonitorial dreams…”

“You mean premonitory?”

“Yeah, whatever,” I respond. “Anyway, I dreamt that my family won the war against the Space Pirates.”

“Space Pirates?”

“Uhh, a creature from my time period. Bad guys.”

“Oooook…Well, if they’re bad, that’s a good thing that you won, right?” she asks.

“Actually, no. Only one person survived. My sister.”

“Relax, it’s probably nothing.”

“I hope so,” I reply. Cross comes running in with a Sheikah behind him. “Oh god.”

“Stay calm,” Victoria requests.

“I’m trying,” I respond while clenching my teeth.

“TUSM, I’m glad I found you,” Cross says.

“What do you want? You trying to turn me in to someone else?”

“No, no, it’s about Link and Zelda.”

“Wait. Who’s your friend?”

“I am Impa, leader of the Sheikahs.”

“And, you’re not trying to kill me?”

“Why would I do that?” Impa asks.

“…I…never mind.”

“Listen, Link and Zelda are up to something,” Cross says…and that’s all I paid attention to. I really didn’t care about what he said. Mostly because of that stunt he tried, but when people talk, especially for a long time, I just…stop thinking. He mentioned Link, but I could care less about how he’s acting. I have my own reasons for hating him. Me and him are enemies and he will die. Hard.....He’s still talking. Man, he’s just going on and on. I wonder what’s going on at Hyrule Castle. It’s weird to have Gerudos protecting Link and Zelda…isn’t it? I mean, something big has to be back there. If not, then why have the Gerudos protecting it?

“And that’s why we gotta find them.” Cross finally finishes.

“I agree. The Gorons did say something’s not right at Hyrule Castle.”

“Let us leave at once,” Impa orders. We leave Goron City and head to Hyrule Castle.

“Hey TUSM, could I speak to you, alone?” Impa and Victoria walk ahead.

“What is it?” I ask.

“I wanted to explain the Gerudo thing.”

“OK, look. I understand you want me dead. I just thought that YOU would be the one who tried to do it.”

“Actually, that’s not why I did it,” he says.

“So, what was your reason?”

“I wanted you to join the Gerudos as well. That way we would have a team to back us up in our fight against Link.”

“Even if that was true, why would the Gerudos accept me after everything I pulled back there?”

“After I joined,” he says, “I would put in a good word for you. I would say that you would be a good asset to their tribe.”

“You know what?” I say. “I don’t believe a word you’re saying,”

“Hey, I got that off of my chest. My conscience is clear.” He walks ahead.

“Psh, what a load of crap.” We reach the entrance to Hyrule Castle.

“OK, this is where the guards were.”

“Let’s go then.” Cross walks around the corner and sees a Gerudo. “Oh crap! I’m outta here.” He starts to run away but I grab him and pull him back.

“Doesn’t feel so good, hunh?”

“How do we get past them?” Victoria asks.

“Are you serious? This should be…heh, a walk in the park. Why don’t you just…” Before I finish, she nails me with a stick. “Hey, I actually wasn’t gonna say it this time. I was gonna ask why don’t you use some of those fancy-shmancy sneaky tactics?”

“They’re probably expecting that,” she responds. “They’ll see it coming. We need something new.”

“OK, I’ll handle this.” I roll into a ball and try to roll past the guards. Unfortunately, they easily see me and pick me up. Before I can drop my P-Bomb, the Gerudo kicks me to another dimension. Or, back to where everyone was standing. They come and encircle us.

“We know all of your tricks so don’t try anything.”

“You mean like…this?” I quickly change my stance. Someone grabs me and holds me so someone else can ram a flashy nut in my face.

“Ahhh, my eyes!!!” I fall to my knees. “****, that hurt!” I’m temporarily blinded…I hope it’s temporary…“And I can’t see!! CRAP, this hurts!!!!” At that moment, I hear…let’s classify it as a calamity. A few moments later, someone picks me up.

“Are you alright?” Impa asks.

“No, I still can’t see!” Though I can’t see it, I sense Victoria standing right in front of me. She starts to chuckle.

“Please don’t say anything.”

“I was right. You are an idiot.” They guide me to the empty castle. I have a feeling we are entering the room where I found Link and Zelda. My eyesight slowly returns, but I say nothing.

“There they are!!” Cross yells.

“Where?”

“Right in front of you!” I start to run forward. I stop and try to punch Cross right in his chest. He blocks it and Victoria cracks me with a stick.

“What is wrong with you?” I try to hold myself back, but I can’t hold it in, so I unsheathe my sword and swing. She quickly steps back and unsheathes her sword. She takes a swipe. I block it, push her back and counter. She sidesteps.

“Dude, you can’t hit a girl,” Cross says.

“I haven’t hit her yet,” I said as I continued the fight.

“That’s ‘cause you suck.” I charge toward him and I swing. Impa enters and blocks my attack.

“What is this?” He pushes my sword away and prepares to attack. Victoria jumps in and tries to hit Impa. Cross then tries to hit Victoria, then I try to hit Cross. Then, Impa tries to hit me. This continues until we are in one giant knot.

“…Damn, we got some serious problems,” I say.

“But…that was oddly fun,” Cross adds.

“We should do it again sometime,” says Victoria.

“But, back to the task at hand. Link and Zelda are not here. This was a setup. We wasted a lot of time and energy.”

“Well, where could they be?” Victoria asks.

“They gotta be in Gerudo Valley. How else could you explain the Gerudo’s hanging around here?

“Good point. We must infiltrate Gerudo Valley. Link and Zelda have to be there.”

Well, you know what this means…


When we arrived at the Gerudo bridge, we noticed it was eerilly empty…Is that spelled right? Is that even a word? Ah, who cares?

“This place looks weird,” Victoria says.

“Yes, this is out of the ordinary,” Impa adds. We cross the bridge and enter the valley. Suddenly, actually instantly, day turns to night.

“OK, what was that?” I ask.

“Link is nearby,” Impa responds. “He knows we’re coming.” Soon after, it starts raining.

“Alright, this is ridiculous.”

“At least it’s not Raining Blood,” Cross says. Continuing deeper into Gerudo territory, we still don’t see any Gerudos. “Are we walking into a trap?” Cross ponders.

“We may be, but we have no choice.” We enter a wide open area. For a while, it remains empty.

“What are we waiting for?” Victoria inquires.

“Just…stay here,” Impa commands. “He has to be here. I can feel it.” Right on cue, Link shows up, clapping.

“Excellent work. You finally found us.”

“Grrr? You weren’t even hiding,” I stated. “You may as well have been hiding in plain sight.”

“Well, it certainly took you long enough.” Zelda shows up soon after.

“What is going on around here?” Impa asks.

“Whatever do you mean?” Zelda retorts.

“No one has been acting normal around here, and all of the signs point to you two.”

“I know nothing of which you speak,” Link replies.

“Regardless of what’s happening, I never forgot what you did seven years ago. It’s been burning inside of me this entire time. Now, with no one around to interrupt, we can settle this once and for all.”

“How come you get to fight Link?” asks Cross.

“I’ve waited far too long for this.” I unsheathe my sword.

“It’s like you said…” He grabs his sword and shield as well. “It’s weather like this that makes for those classic swordfights.” I stepped back.

“How…did you know?” I wonder.

“I have my ways…”

“I’ve had enough of your games.” We charge at each other and clash swords. “I’m about to Rock You Like a Hurricane.”

“…What are you, gay?”

“Yeah, that was gay, wasn’t it?”

“Oh yeah.”

“Don’t agree with me!” I push him away. “Don’t Hold Back, now.” Zelda whips out her bow and prepares to shoot me.

“Oh, no you don’t.” He smacks the bow out of her hands with his chain. “I’ll take care of Zelda,” Cross says.

“Good.” The battle begins. He slashes at me. I sidestep. He counterattacks and I flip over his head. When I land, there’s a bomb right between my feet. I pick it up with my sword, kick it towards him, and detonate it with a Plasma beam. He avoids the explosion and comes running toward me. I morph into a ball and go underneath his legs. He then smacks me with his big ass hammer and sends me rolling quite a bit. I unroll and regroup.

“Not bad.” I place my cannon on the ground and shoot a stream of fire across the ground. He jumps up and prepares to strike with an overhead swing. I block with my sword. I get ready to pound my cannon into the top of his head. He grabs my arm and uses it to flip over my head. Just as he lands, he tries to stab me. I step to the side and swiftly kick him in the chest. While he’s backpedaling, trying to regain control, I fire a powerful Missile. Then, Zelda shrieks.

“NOOOO!!” The Missile connected, but Link survives. She protected him with that same barrier Cross used for himself. I then fire at Zelda, but instead of absorbing it, she reflects it. I have just enough time to block, but there’s a lot of recoil and I fall backwards. Link runs toward me, but I kick his sword away. Quickly after, I jump to my feet.

“Hey Cross, you OK over there?”

“I’m doing the best…I can,” he replies.

“Don’t let this happen again, or it’ll be me and you fighting.” I charge at Link and attack. He blocks and counters. We continue trading quick swipes, blocking and evading them all. He lets out one last powerful swing. I block it, but he breaks through my guard. He swings right at my head. I lean back and just barely duck below it. I felt the wind across my face. He counters with a low strike, so I jump into the air…OK, fine, I back flip into the air. Are you happy? I shoot a Missile on the way down and land with a sword plant for that extra zing of flavor. He attacks so quickly, I had to leave the sword where it stood and jump away.
“How could you be so careless?” He reaches for the sword. I fire a Missile and he moves to the side. Promptly after, I throw the piece of sword I took from that guy. You remember? Post #7?…I’ll wait…OK, now you know. Good. Anyway, I throw the blade at him and he just barely blocks it. I then swiftly kick him, sending him back quite a distance. I pick up the sword an the broken blade. He slowly gets up.

“You know, I knew you were good, but you’re still even better than I previously thought. I mean, sure you killed the Kokiri leader, but…man!”

“Stop with the chit-chat,” I say.

“OK, fine. I can honestly say you’ve brought out the best in me.” He puts away his sword and shield.

“What are you doing?”

“Like I said,” he responds, “you brought out the best. I’m going to show you how it is truly done.” He takes out a very large, multicolored sword. It’s about the same length as Victoria’s sword, but it’s much wider.

“What is that?” He just chuckles and runs toward me. He strikes with insane power. I block with both my cannon and sword.

“What’s going on? I feel like I’m slowly getting weaker.”

“Ahh, you feel that? That’s all of your evil energy being sucked in. That is the strength of the Great Fairy Sword.” He strikes again and knocks me back.

“Look, you need help. Let me…” I interrupt Victoria’s offer.

“No, I can beat him. I know I can. Yes, I’ve done many stupid things, but trust me, this isn’t one of them.”

“You’re getting weaker. You don’t stand a chance.”

“She’s right,” Impa adds. “Like the Master Sword, it is filled pure energy. But, this sword has the power to absorb any dark power, and the Falcon Sword is absolute evil.”

“Look, I don’t care what either of you say. I’m winning this fight alone!” Locate the three clichés above. I charge towards him with all of my (remaining) strength. After a few clangs, I’m being pushed around like a featherweight. I block one last attack and he kicks me to the ground. I get back up to my feet, barely holding my sword up.

“Looking weak, dude,” Link says.

“Shut…up.”

“You can’t win. Just give up,” Victoria shouts. OK, one thing I hate is when someone says I can’t do something. That comment was enough to push me over the edge. I charge at Link with everything I had left. I raise my sword over my head. Link just stands there. I get ready to strike and Link does as well. Instead of swinging, I catch his sword with my canon. That leaves me with an opening. I slice straight through his chest. He steps back and I hit him in the back of the head with the hilt of my sword. Then, I kick him over, just to be an a-hole.

“Link!!!” Zelda yells. Cross keeps her at bay.

“Well, this is it. Finally, you get to see what it feels like to be stabbed through the heart. But this time, there will be no fairy to save you…wait a minute.” I reach inside his tunic and whip out a bottle with some red juice in it. “Huh. These things really can save your life.”

“See, I told you,” says Victoria. I drink the potion.

“I…needed that,” Link mutters

“Yeah, I know!” I say with an exaggerated burst of excitement. “****, that was good. I’m addicted to these things. OK, let’s end this.” I prepare to Take This Life. Just before the deathblow is Stricken, someone picks me up by my neck. My neck!

“Well, well. What’s this we have here?”

“Who…are you?”

“That’s not important,” he replies. “I see you were about to destroy my puppet. That’s no good. And…neither is he. You on the other hand…nah, I don’t need you.” He throws me, like…really freaking far. I mean…wow. Mad strength. I think I flew for about thirty seconds. When someone throws you and you Go That Far, be afraid…be very afraid.
I finally land in the woods.

“What the…” I faint.

Later on.....

For once, when I wake up, I’m not chained up. I was in Victoria’s house.

“Grrr? How did I get here?”

“We brought you here,” Zelda says. Also, Link is here.

“What is going on here?” I jump to my feet. Cross, Impa, and Victoria hold me back.

“Listen, calm down and let us explain.”

“How can you possibly explain this?!”

“It was Ganondorf!” Impa says. I relax a bit.

“Who the heck is…Ganondorf?”

“The guy who tossed you,” Link responds.

“He had everyone brainwashed,” Impa adds. “That’s why all our people have been acting weird.”

“People been acting weird? I wouldn’t know. It all seemed normal to me. ‘Kill the outsider!’”

“I told you. Weren’t you listening to anything I said at Goron City?”

“Uhh, no, actually. I was not.”

“Ganondorf is the king of darkness,” Impa says. “He has powers beyond anyone can comprehend. Even you can’t understand his strength.”

“So, I take it you couldn’t beat him?”

“Actually, we did,” Victoria boasts.

“That’s good. So, everything’s back to normal?”

“Well, not quite,” says Cross.

“See, that was just a puppet.”

“Hold on. A puppet had a puppet? This is ********,” I say.

“Anyway, the real Ganon is hidden away in a tower.”

“But, his power is twice as great as his mere shadow form,” Zelda says.

“And it took a LOT of strength just to beat him,” Link adds.

“So…what? We can’t just let him go, right?”

“No. We will conquer his dungeon located near Hyrule Castle.”

“Well, let’s go.” I get up and start to leave.

“Wait, we need some sort of plan,” says Zelda.

“Oh, I have a plan.”

“Well, what is it.”

“Eh, I’ll tell you when I’m done.” I exit the house. The others follow.

“What is wrong with you?” asks you know who. “Don’t you ever think about anything?”

“Don’t you know me? I don’t ever think. About anything. Why do it? You’ll end up with similar results in the long run, and you save a lot of time. Besides, sometimes, it hurts to think.”

“My god, you are…you…there’s no way to describe you.” Cross contemplates my thinking, or lack thereof. “You can’t always jump into every situation without thinking about the consequences.”

“Psh, yes I can. Just look at where I’m at now.”

“Hmm, let’s see. Everyone here thought you were evil,” says Cross.

“You’ve been captured by almost every race here,” Zelda adds.

“You’ve been ambushed numerous times,” Impa continues.

“OK, I get it,” I say.

“There’s a 100,000 Rupee reward for your head,” Link carries on.

“Alright, you can stop now.”

“And, to top it all off,” Victoria finishes, “you destroyed the single, most sacred entity in Hyrule.”

“SHUT UP!!!!” They stop in their tracks. “Damnit, man! Y’all just don’t know when to quit, hunh?”

We make it to Ganon’s Tower. There’s a huge pit separating us from the tower.

“You know what to do, right?” asks Link. Everyone nods but me.

“What’s going on?” They all use some sort of teleportation move and appear on the other side.

“…What are the odds that in a group of six people, I’m the only one who can’t teleport?”

“What’s taking so long?” Cross asks.

“Oh, you think this is funny, hunh? You think this is some kind of game? You know what? You all suck. Just for that, I’m leaving. Peace.” I turn around and a giant bolt of lightning strikes in front of me.

“That was a fluke. It’ll never happen again.” It happens again. “You got lucky. No way you can get those lucky threes.” PLOW!! The third one strikes me. I fall down and go boom. It’s funny. Many things only happen in 3’s & 7’s. I am too good.

“I guess the third time really is the charm,” says Cross. Everyone starts laughing. I get up and jump across the gap, attempting to trample Cross. He moves.

“Don’t push me.” We enter the tower. “So, what, we kill some things, solve some puzzles, and destroy some Ganon? Let’s go.” We enter the first “room” room and there are bats everywhere. Using many projectiles and wild sword swings, we eliminate them all. We wait for something to happen.

“…Well, that was shmalty,” I said just before a large statue falls from the sky. It makes a loud “thud” and destroys the floor to the point where it’s barely holding us up.

“Don’t move,” says Link.

“Really? I was just about to. Good thing you stopped me…ya dumbass.”

“Hey, just because I’m not under Ganon’s spell doesn’t mean I won’t kick your ***.”

“Dude, if it wasn’t for Ganondork, you wouldn’t be standing here now.”

“Oh, is that so?”

“Yes, it is so,” I reply. Zelda and Victoria interrupt.

“Will you two shut up?!?!”

“People these days…man,” Cross says to himself.

“Hush your mouth, boy. Don’t think I forgot about you.”

“What did you say?”

“I know what I said…and that’s all that matters.”

“Shouldn’t we be figuring out a way to escape this situation?” Victoria inquires.

“Oh, there is no escape. There’s no choice but to…” I hear a collective “NO” from everyone as I jump and break the floor. We fall down to the floor below.

“What the hell was that for?!” Cross yells.

“What else were we gonna do? Stand there forever? And what’s with this statue?” I walk up to it.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you,” Zelda says.

“OK, first of all, you’re not me. Second, you don’t even know what I’m doing…well, maybe you do.” I tap it with my sword.

“Yep, I knew it.” The statue begins to move.

“What’s going on?” He raises his gigantic sword into the air and slams it down with tremendous force, right next to me.

“So that’s why you told me not to do it.” I step away from the statue and he slowly follows me. “Man, this guy is moving slower than molasses in January.” I run circles around him, literally, and I notice a weak spot on his back.

“Hmm, what does this button do?” I fire a Missile at his back. He takes a lot of damage and his armor falls off. Now, he can move faster, but he still can’t keep up.

“You know, feel free to jump in anytime.”

“Nope, you started this, so you finish it,” says Zelda.

“Whatever.” I wait for him to strike, then I dodge and attack him. He falls to the ground. I finish him with an exploding sword plant. “Now, that wasn’t so bad.” A small treasure chest appears. Link approaches it, but I burn it before he opens it. He jumps back.

“What did you do that for?” Victoria asks. “What if whatever was inside that chest was flammable?”

“Well, then I guess we all would be dead.” Inside was a small key. “You people with your ‘think before you act’ crap.” I pick up the key. “Grow up. Live a little.” I leave the room. There’s a long tunnel leading to another door. In the next room are stairs. Many, many stairs, spiraling upwards.

“Well, let’s get cracking,” I say as I start running up the steps. No one follows me. “Am I missing something?” They all start to teleport. I dive down trying to grab one of them, but I’m too late and I hit the floor.

“Go to hell! All of you!! Damn, you people suck!”

I start climbing the stairs. I’m sure you’ve heard this phrase before, but they felt like they went on…yeah, I’m not saying it. It took about fifteen minutes to reach the top. I had no strength left. I entered the door.

“Hunh?” The room looks familiar. “This can’t be.” I noticed the burnt ash on the floor. “WHAAAAAAT!!!! I was just here!!!!!!! I just climbed thousands of steps…for NOTHING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” With all of the pent up rage building up, I release a powerful Super Missile. I accidentally blast through the wall, opposite the door I just entered.

“Better had.” I walk through and find the rest of the crew sitting around doing nothing.

“Well, it took you long enough,” Link says.

“Hunh? Where did you guys go…exactly? And, what’s with the tone? You still don’t like me?”

“Don’t worry about it, and no, not really,” he responds.

“Damn, that’s cold. And I was just about to forget about that thing you did. No, almost did. Even though, you know, it wasn’t really you.”

“Who said it wasn’t me?”

“…That’s it!!” I storm forward, but I’m encased in that barrier everyone always protects themselves with. I can see why, too. It makes everything look pretty.

“What is this?”

“Listen, he was only saying that to rattle your nerves,” says Impa.

“Who said I was?” Victoria hits him with a stick. The barrier disappears.

“Whoa, whoa, put that back. I liked it in there.”

“No, we must continue forward,” Zelda says.

“Well, I want one. Those things are quite awesome.”

“Focus! We need to conquer this dungeon,” Victoria says.

“OK, what’s stopping you?”

“Uhhh, hmmm, maybe it’s the door…” Link says, “with the LOCK on it.”

“You see? Every time you screw me over, something happens to one of you, all of you in this case. At some point, you will learn your lesson. In an attempt to teach it myself, I am going to leave. Now.” I turn around and there’s a bolt of lightning.

“We’re indoors!!!” Talk about irony. I had to throw in a little of that “say something and immediately contradict yourself” stuff. It’s usually good for a few laughs. I open the lock and we enter the next room.

“It’s empty,” notes Cross.

“Duh…ya ******,” I reply, as if I had to say that was me.

“Was…was that necessary?” he returns.

“Nope, but neither was your remark, so there.”

“And you wonder why no one likes you.”

“No, I don’t wonder,” I respond. “I just don’t give a ****.” We look around the room and see nothing. Then, we hear a voice.

“Well now, look who decided to show up.” It’s G-Dorf.

“Where are you?” Impa demands.

“Not here, of course. And now, I shall witness your demise…and yours…and yours and yours…damnit, why are there so may of you?” Hmmm…good question.

“I really don’t know,” Cross answers. “…I guess it’s fate.”
(In your face. Boom.)

“Yeah, we’re like the Cult of Personality up in this piece.”

“Hmph, the more the merrier. Heh!” At that point, the room gets so dark, it was like someone had to Paint It Black…that one wasn’t too good. We hear something heavy drop from above, then another and a few more. There was about ten in total.

“Oh god!” Victoria screams.

“OK…what do we do?” I ask.

“What? No reckless endangerment?” Link responds.

“Listen, if these things are what I think they are, then doing what I know you think I’m going to do would mean instant death.”

“…What???” everyone asks.

“I know what I said…and that’s all that matters.”

“What are we going to do?” asks Victoria.

“I think I know. I’m going to feel around and touch one of these things. I’m hoping these are the same statues like the one we saw earlier.” I start wondering around with my hands in front of me. “Just call me The Seeker.” You would think in this rather little room, I would manage to bump into one of these figures, but I bump into Victoria instead. With my hands at the same level as her chest, there is no way for this to end well.

“HEY!!!” She smacks me with about seven sticks at the same time. “What is your problem?!?!”

“I’m sorry it was…an accident…” She hits me with another.

“OK, we need another plan,” says Zelda.

“Wait, I got it. Victoria, give me one of your sticks.” She tries to hit me, but I block it. “No, I mean hand me one of your sticks. Please?” She pokes me with it. “Thank you.” I snatch it
from her. I use a Plasma shot to light it. “Now, we have a torch.”

“Well, looks like you are somewhat intelligent,” Victoria teases.

“You know, I can light more than these torches, if you catch my drift.” She gives me a few more sticks and I place them around the room. Now the room is fully lit, but there’s nothing inside. There are, however, ten large holes in the floor.

“What is going on here?” Impa inquires.

“I think Ganondorf wanted us to panic and do something…well, reckless,” Zelda responds.

“Ha, I’m smarter than that. I know better…sometimes. So, what now?”

“I guess…we leave,” Cross responds.

“Wait,” Impa orders. “I have a feeling something is going to happen if we approach that door.”

“I believe he’s right,” I reply. “Something always happens when you think you’re safe.”

“That has never happened to me,” says Link.

“Me neither,” Cross adds. The others express similar feelings.

“Huh, that sucks. Am I the dark cloud over this group’s head?”

…I kinda like that one. Dark cloud over our head. That’s nice, right?

“Look, I’ll go through the door,” Victoria suggests. She walks through it just fine. Zelda goes through, then Impa.

“I guess we were wrong.” Link enters the door. Cross attempts to pass through, but it locks. Now both him and I are stuck in this room. One of the torches dies out.

“You see what you did?” I say. “This time, it’s your fault.” The second flame is extinguished.

“Look, it’s not my fault. Since everyone thinks we’re so connected, your bad luck has rubbed off on me.” The third torched is burnt out.

“OK, I’m not gonna dignify that with a response…” The room is now pitch black again. “I’m just going to KILL YOU!!” I dash in his direction and swing. He’s not there.

“Oh, so it’s like that, hunh?” he says. “Where are you?”

“Where you at?” I respond. I shoot Plasma to briefly light up parts of the room. “Oh, you think you’re slick, hunh?” I start firing Missiles down the holes to see if he’s hiding.
“You can’t hide forever, boy!” I get ready to shoot down one of the holes and I catch a card to the face. I get smoke in my eyes. I step back and almost fall into a hole. I can hear his chain go into staff mode. Then, he starts spinning around. The whoosh from his chain gets louder and louder. I morph into a ball and slowly make my way towards him. When I’m near, I unmorph and grab him. He brings his chain around and grabs my leg. He pulls me over top of his head and drops me right into a hole.

“Hmph. You can’t beat me.” I let myself drop to the bottom. I wall jump back up to where I was while charging a Plasma shot. When I reach the top, I fire it in a random direction. I somehow manage to barely brush him, but he felt it. He throws a card in my direction, but this time, I can see it glowing when it sticks to the wall behind me.

“Uh oh.” It makes a giant explosion and sends both of us into a wall. There’s a giant hole where the card detonated.

“Let’s call this one a draw,” He requests.

“…Deal.” We gingerly get to our feet. We walk over to the hole and see that we are about ten stories up.

“Well, there’s only one thing to do,” I say.

“No, you can’t be serious!”

“Look, there’s no other way out. We might as well.” I jump out of the building. “See!! It’s not that hard!!!!!” I land safe and sound, you know, since I rock and all. The others are just leaving through the back of the tower. Out back there’s a large arena, like there’s about to be a fight.

“Where did you come from?” asks Zelda.

“Up there.” I point to the enormous hole in the wall.

“So that’s what that was?” Victoria asks. “You blasted through the wall to escape?”

“Actually…yes, I did.” You can hear a very faint “what” from Cross. He jumps down.

“This is gonna hurt!!!” He lands on his feet, but there’s so much spring action that after he crouches, he bounces back up a few feet. Then, he falls to the ground.

“I did that, you jerk!” he exclaims.

“Is this true?” Impa asks.

“Yes, but look on the bright side. He made it down here in one piece.”

“That’s…true…” he admits. “Wait, how come you didn’t get hurt?”

“I received lots of training in jumping off of tall buildings.”

“So, that didn’t hurt?” Victoria asks. “At all?”

“Well, I landed on a small rock. It made the landing kinda awkward.” Ganondorf appears in the middle of the arena.

“Hmph, you actually made it out alive,” he says.

“What was the point of that?” asks Cross.

“Nothing, really. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to actually work to kill you, but I guess that’s the price I pay for constructing a building to eliminate a few people.”

“Well, duh,” I respond. “We humans prefer to that ourselves. It’s a lot funner.”

“Well, I guess I’m in for a helluva time, hunh?”

“So…what? This is it? The Last Fight?” I know that’s not a Guitar Hero 3 song, but it’s a **** good song nonetheless.

“I do believe you are right,” Ganon replies.

“Hold on, we need to huddle up,” I request…don’t worry, you’ll see what’s going on.

“(sigh) Alright, but it will do you no good.” We get into the huddle.

“OK, what’s the plan?” asks Zelda.

“Plan? Plan? Ha, that’s funny. The word plan isn’t in my dictionary.”

“So…you have no clue what you’re getting ready to do?”

“Uhh, psh, no.”

“Then why are we GROUPED TOGETHER LIKE THIS?!?!?!?!”

“We need to end this chapter. A fight this big needs it’s own section.”

“What are you talking…”

“Aaaaand CUT!”


I have no idea how I came up with such a crappy concept for Ganon's Tower. A dog could have written a better piece. but, what's done is done, and, uhh, hey, the next post will be the final chapter. Let the bittersweet emotions commence.

 

[The Phazon Assassin]

Here it is everyone, the last section of my fanfic. Enjoy it while it lasts.


“OK, so we all know what to do?” I ask.

“Hunh?”

“The plan we discussed? Between chapters? Lots of things can happen between two chapters.”

“Nothing happened!!!” Cross shouts. “We’ve only been huddled here for twenty seconds, all of which was complete BULL SH…” I interrupt Cross…did you see that coming?

“Look, just…fight him. He can’t be strong enough to take down six strong warriors such as ourselves…right?” Everyone stares angrily at me. “Fine…I’ll do it myself.”

“You’re not serious, are you?” Zelda asks.

“Watch me.” I leave the huddle. “Alright, Mr. Dorf, it’s just me and you.” Ganon laughs.

“Should we stop him?” asks Victoria.

“Nah, he’ll learn his lesson,” Cross replies. “…at some point.”

“What are y’all snickering about?” I ask.

“Nothing.” I charge at Ganon. He just stands there.

“Come on…Hit Me With Your Best Shot.” I continue running forward. Then, he does something. He barely even moved, but I find myself flying backwards. Before I land, I’m encased in a dark crystal, just like everyone else’s. This time, I can’t move or talk, and it’s not as soothing. In fact, it hurts a little.

“Well, that’ll learn ya,” says Cross.

“Listen, don’t get close to him. The further he is from us, the less he can do.” At that point, they barrage him with projectiles and magic. Playing cards, arrows, fireballs, everything. Cross finishes the job with a giant explosion from one of his super cards. The smoke finally clears and Ganon is gone.

“OK…was that it?” Victoria wonders.

“It can’t be,” Impa responds. Ganon drops from the sky and creates a large shockwave. Everyone has a friggin’ shockwave. What for? I tried it and it’s gay. Uber gay. Anyway, everyone is stunned, save for Link. He jumps before it connects and attacks Ganon from above. He blocks it and somehow, Link is suspended in mid-air. It’s like he’s hanging off of Ganon’s arm. Insane. The others start another projectile onslaught, but it has no effect on him. He slams Link into the ground and unleashes a humongous energy wave. It takes out Cross and Link, but Zelda, Impa, and Victoria are protected by their crystal thing. Victoria leads an attack on Ganondorf. Impa follows and Zelda behind him. Ganon kicks Victoria really, really hard, punches the mess out of Impa, and hits Zelda with a powerful magic attack.

Pwnt.

Cross slashes Ganon with his chain and it makes an insanely loud whip noise…or something like that. Ganon kneels down. Cross prepares a second swing, but Ganon jumps up and hits him with his shoulder. Everyone is down for the count…well, almost everyone. I drop from the crystal.

“What the hell are you?” I ask.

“For all intensive purposes, after I kill you, I may as well be God.”

“I don’t care how strong you think you are. I will take you down.”

“Somehow, I don’t see that happening. I mean, look around you. Your five wimpy friends didn’t stand a chance to my infinite power.”

“Well, you don’t know me.”

“Actually I do,” he responds. “I’ve watched you ever since you got here in that machine. Even When You Were Young, I could tell that you were one of the strongest humans I’d ever meet. That’s why I wanted you gone.”

“So…that’s why everyone was after me?”

“Uhh, no. Everyone was after you because THEY hated you. I had nothing to do with that.”

“Ohh…huh. That sucks.

“I didn’t want this to escalate to something of this magnitude, but there is nothing left to do.” He reveals a sword the size of…me.

“…” I say, or don’t say, rather.

“What? Are you frightened?”

“Never.” I unsheathe my sword.”

“That little thing couldn’t pass for a toothpick. Ha ha hah!” I take my cannon off, grab the broken piece of sword, and after some hocus pocus, I have the ultimate sword. With my cannon just over the hilt, every impact has Missile power behind it, and I can shoot Plasma beams from the tip. Also, thanks to the shattered blade, the sword is much longer. It’s much heavier now, so I carry it with two hands, like a two handed sword.

“How do you like this?!?!” I charge toward him. Not knowing what’s coming, Ganon just stands there. I swing, and when he blocks, the Missile impact stuns him. I shoot him with a Plasma shot, but he absorbs it and engulfs me in flames. I duck behind my cape. It was an Impulse. I couldn’t do anything else.

But, somehow, I live. The cape melted, but who cares. Ganon is speechless.

“Hmmm, that shouldn’t have happened.” He runs toward me and swings. Hard. I block it and the Missile power stopped me from being thrown away. We continue fighting. Our swords create loud explosions with every clash. He strikes with a ridiculously strong overhead attack, and I dodge it. His sword gets stuck just for a brief instant. I stab him and there’s a larger explosion than normal. More smoke appears. It dissipates and Ganon is nowhere to be found.

“Where the hell are you?!” He appears behind me and hits me into the ground. He hit me so hard, I popped up into the air. Before I landed, he struck me with his sword. He stands over me and stomps on my chest.

“Wow, that was the most fun I had in a long time. It’s a shame it lasted such a short time.” He tries to stab me, but I block it. He repeatedly jabs his sword at me, and I keep on blocking. Somehow, I manage to avoid getting hit. Then, without warning, Ganon is hit by a light arrow. He crouches down.

“Who did that?” I get up and see Zelda on her feet.

“Well, it took you long enough…damn!”

“Sorry. Next time, I’ll try not to pass out after being overwhelmed by someone’s inhuman strength.” I attack Ganon and he unleashes, yes, another energy wave. Spam Master Smash runs toward Zelda who fires an arrow at him. Ganon redirects it to me. I couldn’t react fast enough. It hits me and I fall to the ground. Ganon attempts to strike Zelda, but Cross enters, pushes her out of the way, and takes the hit. Using what little energy I have, I shoot a blast of Plasma. Ganon gets hit and shoots a large energy ball at me.

“Crap!” It explodes, but I don’t feel anything. “Hunh?” I’m inside the crystal thingy.

“You owe me one!” Victoria says. Ganon runs toward her. Suddenly, there’s a flash of light, but not from a nut. Then, Ganon is lying on the ground.

“What was that?” Impa is standing in front of Victoria. Before he stands, Link, Zelda, and Victoria all hit Ganondorf with those light arrows. There’s a big, yellow flash. Ganon is done for…or is he. He starts to move. I jump up and prepare to sword plant him. I nail him, right through the chest. There’s another explosion. Ganon’s sword is on the ground, but he’s gone again. I don’t know if this is really it, but it seems as such. I disassemble my sword, replace my cannon and sheathe my sword. Since my back was turned to the others, they didn’t see the dagger that was thrust into my chest. I yank it out and drop it. I fall to the ground. The others run up to me.

“Good job, you guys…I guess you aren’t completely worthless.”

“You were pretty good, too,” Link says.

“See, I don’t strive for perfection. It just happens…So, what now?”

“First, we need to take care of your wounds,” Victoria says. “All of our wounds.”

“No, I’m fine. It’s just…a sword in the chest. I already know what the feels like,” I said looking Link right in the eyes.

“It wasn’t me!” he responds.

“Yep, I knew it.” I stand to my feet. Victoria smacks me. “What!?”

“That’s for pretending to die.”

“Would you rather I actually die?”

“Well, yes. That way I know it’s for real.” Everyone is staring at her.

“Look, I’m a principles kind of gal.”

“Whatever, let’s get out of here,” Cross requests.

“Hang on. Something doesn’t feel right,” Zelda says. “I still feel an evil presence.” I wave at her. “Not you…he’s still here.”

“Who? What? Where? Why?” There’s a long pause. Everyone is staring me down “Fine, when? Are you quite satisfied?” At that moment, his sword stands on its own.

“Well, well, it seems as though you are a strong group of people. You saved Hyrule and…”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa, pause. Is this sword talking? Am I the only one who thinks this is weird?”

“Don’t interrupt me!” the…sword says.

“Why, what are you gonna do?” Victoria smacks me with, like, the millionth stick.

“I shall show you.” The sword flies right toward me. I block it with my cannon, but he pushes me right into a wall. He’s getting closer and closer to slicing right through my neck. The others rush in, but with one giant loop, it slashes at everyone. They all duck and the sword comes back toward me. I unsheathe my sword and I find myself sword fighting against a sword. Luckily, it isn’t as strong so I don’t need my super sword. On the other hand, it is pretty damn fast. And, since no one is holding it, I don’t exactly know how to defeat it.

“What…the hell…am I supposed…to do?!” I ask.

“Don’t you see? You can never win!!”

“Why does everyone here doubt me? I don’t understand.” Using some hidden power within, I start getting the upper hand. The sword is blocking all of my swings. Of course, I don’t know who or what he’s defending. I continue unleashing one swing after another. After one last powerful swing, the sword is…stunned, I guess. It falls to the ground. While it’s down, I sheathe my sword and grab Ganon’s.

“I think I have an idea…for once.” Everyone gasps as I run toward the building. “Come on! Meet me in the top room!” I jump up and wall jump and mid-air jump my way to the hole in the wall. I enter the building and the others walk in briefly after.

“OK, what do we do?” Cross asks.

“We have to destroy this sword. I’ll throw it down a hole, then we pound it with projectiles.”

“That sounds…good, actually,” says Link.

“Let’s do it.” I throw the sword down and we start the onslaught. We give it everything we got. After about thirty seconds, we wait.

“Uhh, are we done?” I ask.

“Nope,” the sword replies.

“Wait…what?” There’s a bright, white light…that rhyme-age was crazy. There’s a bright, white light rising rapidly from the bottom of the hole.

“This isn’t good.” We run in a futile attempt to escape, but the blast engulfs us in the light. Then, something happens. It’s just one of those things that happens. It’s like really hard to explain, but when it happens, you know what it is.

I have to go now…K, bye.


























































Naw, I'm just jokin'.


We all awaken, one by one, starting with…one of us, and ending with…another one of us. We’re in that classic empty white room. The one that people go to in a dream, or something like that. They’re all alone. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you shouldn’t be reading this story.

“Is this heaven?” Victoria asks. “Are we dead?”

“No, no, it’s that white room that everyone enters. You know, it may be a dream, or, in our case, whenever you do something amazing.” Everyone gives me those “what the hello operator are you talking about” looks. “I’ve read a lot of stuffs.”

“So, what do we do?” asks Cross.

“We don’t have to do anything. See, someone will appear and tell us we did a good job. He may or may not give us a reward, he says we may or may not remember any of this, we all get transported out of here, and in that process, I finally get home, and this game will be over.”

“Game? What game?” Link inquires.

“It was a figure of speech. Just wait for whoever is supposed to show up to show up.” So, we wait…and wait…and wait.

“I have this odd feeling that you’re wrong…again,” Victoria says.

“Well, excuuuuuuse me, Princess.”

“I’m the princess,” Zelda responds.

“Well, excuuuuuuse me, Princess.”

“Look, there has to be a way out of here,” Link says.

“Well, I would love to see you try,” Cross responds.

“…Hmmm…” He doesn’t move.

“What’re you waiting for?”

“OK, maybe there isn’t a way out.”

“Lemme try something.” I step away and fire a Missile straight forward. We all crowd around and watch it go. It keeps going like the Energizer bunny. “Hunh?”

“Nice try, buddy,” says Cross.

“I thought it would, like, at least…hit something.”

“I thought you read a lot about this,” Link says.

“I did, but I’ve never been in one. Maybe it just goes on horizontally.” I fire another Missile straight up. It keeps going like a song from the Allman Brothers. “What is going on?”

“Look, just face it,” Victoria says. “We can’t blast our way out of here.”

“Oh yeah?” I aim downward and everyone steps back. I fire a third Missile. It keeps going like the acceleration on the Gold Driver’s car if you pick…OK, I won’t do that anymore.

“OK, this is bull shtuff.” I kneel down and knock on the floor I just fired at. “I don’t get it.”

“Maybe it’s a…whoa!!” He falls down in the exact same spot I fired the Missile at.

“CROSS!!” they scream and I mean “they.” They start to run toward the…uhhh, hole. I think it’s a hole, even though it’s not there…is it? I mean, I felt it and, wait, the hole.

“Whoa, stop!” I command. They halt and look at me. “If he fell there, who knows where there are any more holes?”

“He’s right,” Impa says.

“I’m getting scared!” Victoria yells.

“Look, everything is going to be fine…I hope. OK, listen, just, uhhh, we can…”

“There’s nothing we can do!” Link says.

“That’s not true. We could…” Something streams by, inches next to my head. “Ahhh!!” I duck. “What was that?!”

“It was one of your Missiles.”

“Grrr? I didn’t shoot a Missile!”

“You did just a few moments ago,” Impa states.

“But…that can’t be it…can it? Then, that would mean…” A bit later, the second Missile comes up from the ground.

“Well, it’s official. We’re doomed! There’s no way OUT!!!!!” Link has a panic attack.

“Look, calm down,” I say. “There must be something we can do.” The third Missile drops from the sky and hits Link. He seems relaxed now.

“I needed that. I’m fine now.” Cross drops from the sky and lands incredibly hard.

“Man, that hurt. Ow.” Everyone gathers around him.

“Are you OK?” Victoria questions.

“Uhhh, yeah.”

“Where did you go?” Link asks.

“…I don’t know.” He seems a little…confused. “It was all white, everywhere.” I stand and begin to shout.

“Alright, whoever’s behind this better show themselves. I don’t know what you think this is, but this isn’t funny. This is not a game…wait.”

“What is it?” Zelda asks.

“It is a game,” I said to myself. “OK, I know it’s you three, so come on out.” Nothing happens.

“Who is he talking to?” Link inquires.

“Come on. Where y’all at? You can’t hide forever…well, maybe you can.”

“OK, I’m worried now,” Victoria says. “You’re delirious. No one is here but us.”

“Trust me,” I respond. “I know someone else is here.”

“Aww, he figured it out.” The three monks enter. No, they appear. They can’t really enter without magically appearing.

“I knew it,” I say.

“Yes, but it took too long,” Monk #2 replies.

“Hey, I…watch it!” The first Missile returns.

“What was that?” asks Monk #3.

“Well, I tried to blow a hole in this thing. But, as you can see, it didn’t work.”

“Hey, wait.” Cross stands up. “They’re wearing the same robe you were.”

“Yep, we’re good friends.”

“So, why are we here?” Impa asks as the second Missile flies up.

“Apart from your twisted pleasure,” I say.

“Heh, this is the classic empty white room,” Monk #1 responds. “We appear, tell you that you did a good job, you do NOT get a reward, you WILL remember this, and we will transport you out of here.”

“Oh, that’s funny…hold on, you forgot ‘take me back to my time period.’”

“Unfortunately, that is beyond our control.”

“Grrr? No!” The room begins to fade.

“We’re sorry…” We are now in front of Hyrule Castle where everyone is cheering. Kokiris, Gorons, Zoras, Sheikahs, even the Gerudos are clapping. It was a Holiday in Cambodia, except…we’re not in Cambodia.

“What’s all this?” Cross asks.

“Why, for defeating the evil King Ganon,” a guy behind us says. We turn around and see a man in some somewhat odd clothing. He’s sitting in a large throne with a crown on his head.

“Who is that?” I ask. Link pulls me down. The others were kneeling in front of him. Putting two and two together, I assume this is the King of Hyrule.

“That’s the King of Hyrule,” Zelda responds. I knew it.

“You six have shown incredible bravery, beyond any of us could even imagine.” he says.

“Stupidity on some accounts,” Victoria adds.

“You, with the cannon. Please arise.” I stand up. “Upon your arrival in our world, you were an outsider. Everyone here thought you were some type of menace. But, you ignored all of the criticism we gave you and helped save our land. We thank you all graciously.”

“Well…don’t mention it, I guess. I went through a lot, but everything worked out in the end…almost everything,” I mumbled to myself.

“But, one of you has shown incredible strength, even when all of the odds were against him.” Zelda approaches him and he gives her a necklace. A beautiful one, too.

“On behalf of all of Hyrule, we present this to Cross.” OK, what? He didn’t do a damn thing! I hold in my anger, trying to avoid a terrible massacre. My cannon nearly explodes. That would’ve put me back on the
naughty list.

“Thank you,” Cross replies. Zelda places the necklace around his neck. I wish I could put my hands around someone’s neck. The only thing stopping me is the lack of ten fingers.

“I’m outta here.”

“Where are you going?” the king asks.

“You’re not…jealous are you?” Cross asks. I nearly snapped again. I am upset about that, but that’s not why I’m leaving.

“No, I just want to be alone. I need some me time.” I leave the Castle. “Man, this sucks. I don’t want to sound selfish, but I help out everyone here, and I get nothing. This is bogus. I mean, if the problem is solved, everything should revert back to normal, and yet here I am. What is it you want me to do? I’ve been ready to go back years ago. I haven’t seen my family in years and I got a bad feeling about what’s gonna be waiting for me if I ever get back. This isn’t fair. Everyone is happy but me. If this is how it feels to be a hero, I wish Ganon was still here.”

“Now don’t say that.” I turn around.

“Yeah, with your luck, he’d end up appearing out of nowhere.” The rest of the crew shows up.

“What do you want?”

“Hey, we kinda understand how you feel, not being able to see your family and all. But there’s a slight chance we could help you.”

“Go on.”

“This is only speculation, but if we blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah…” And so forth. Yep, I zoned out again. TUSM don’t think good. See what I mean? I’ll just think about…nothing. That’s what I do best.

“But, if it doesn’t work, there’s no other way out and you’ll be stuck here forever,” Zelda finishes.

“So I have no other choice?” I ask as I enter The Temple of Time…wait, when did we get here? How did I get here?

“I’m afraid not,” she responds.

“Here, take this.” Link hands me his Master Sword. When I touch it, I feel something incredibly weird. Like, when you combine the Light and Dark Beams to create the Annihilator Beam. It’s like that, but inside my body.

“This doesn’t feel right.” I stand by the pedestal.

“Alright everyone, do it now.” Everyone uses that crystal spell at the same time. Then, they try to use the teleportation spell.

“OK, this really doesn’t feel right! And don’t give me that ‘that means it’s working’ crap.” Suddenly, the crystals shatter. Everyone falls to the ground.

“What happened?” I walk over to see if they’re OK.

“I don’t know. I guess the distance was too much to handle…I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. I guess living here won’t be so bad. I mean, there’s no cars, so the air is clean. And everyone isn’t under Ganon’s spell so I suppose everyone here is nice…oh, who am I kidding?” I drop on all fours and start yelling. “I wanna go home!! I miss my family, my planet, my home!! I’ll never see any of it again!!!” Everyone just stares.

“Should we, uhh, do something?” Zelda asks.

“I don’t know, I’ve never seen him like this,” Victoria replies.

“Yeah, me neither,” Cross adds.

“I HATE my life!!” I fire a Missile at the wall. Something different happened, but I didn’t notice.

“Uhh, TUSM. What’s that?” Cross asks. I look up at it. I’m puzzled.

“I don’t freakin’ know.” I walk up to the thing, which is gray, and has a warped look to it. Think of a mirror that’s been crumpled into a ball like a piece of paper, then unfolded. I walk up to it and I feel a gravitational pull.

“Whoa, that’s strong.”

“What’s going on?” Link asks.

“I have a theory…OK, no I don’t. All I know is that I somehow acquired the Annihilator Beam and that is a wormhole to…another…dimension.”

“What’s wrong?” Impa asks.

“I just thought of something. What if we combine this with your transportation…I mean teleportation spell? It may be able to get me back home.”

“It’s worth a shot,” Link says.

“Let’s try it. Here, use this.” Zelda gives me some sort of gem. I ram it into my cannon.

“Well, here goes nothing.” I fire at the wall. Instead of looking all gray and warped and stuff, it’s blue and smooth. “Wow, did it work?”

“I guess so,” Zelda responds. “This may be it.”

“Huh. Kinda.....convenient. Well, I guess this is good-bye…for now. Yes, I just may return.” We exchange farewells. I approach Victoria who has separated herself from the others.

“So, this is good-bye, hunh?” she asks.

“Yeah, but just temporarily. I don’t know how and I don’t know when but I will see you again. I…promise.”

“I don’t think you can do that, but I’ll take your word for it.” She grabs my face and pulls me closer.

“Well, here we are…again.” She finally kisses me. I can’t say that I wasn’t eager for it, and the wait was worth it. I felt a very chilling blast down my spine.

“Wow…” I whispered. Victoria chuckles.

“Don’t forget about me now.”

“Uhhhh, yeah.” I turn to Cross who is offering me a handshake with his right hand. I’ll say that again. Cross offers me a handshake with his right hand…one more time. Cross off…oh, you got it? OK, good.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I ask.

“I’m offering you a handshake.” He starts to chuckle.

“Heh, that’s funny. You know what el…” I don’t even finish the word “else” as I grab his arm and punch him in the gut with my cannon. Then, I snatch his necklace and run.

“I deserved it more than you!!” I enter the portal. Five seconds later, I return and grab both the Falcon Sword and the Master Sword.

“That’s for making me blow up my house.” I re-enter the portal. Ten seconds later, I re-return. I fire a large Super Missile at the others. I was aiming for Cross, but the impact would take out everyone else. They all dodge it.

“That’s for trying to get me killed. I’m the TUSM, biotch!!” I re-re-enter the portal, for good. After that, I know damn well I can’t come back here.





“I’ve been traveling through this portal for almost ten minutes. When I used the time capsule, it took like eight seconds. Man, medieval tools are garbage.”

“Wait, how do I even know I’m going forward in time? I could be going back. For all I know, I could end up in…prehistoric times!”

“Then again…yeah, that may work. I could beat up humungous, carnivorous dinosaurs. That would be SICK!!”

“Hold on. If I kill off the dinosaurs, then that may change the entire course of history. Lizards will probably be extinct…foreva!”

“But, this could be good. No Space Pirates! That would be sweet.”

“However, the reason I had to leave was the Space Pirate assault, so none of this would have happened. Come to think of it, I may not have ever gotten my Super Missile capabilities…how did I start this thing? Damn, I don’t even know…huh. Wait, I think I see the end of the wormhole.”

“Hmmm…that doesn’t look right…”


There it is, all 166 pages of Microsoft Word nonsense. now that this thing is complete, I can finally get everyone's true thoughts on the story. Questions? Comments? Complaints? Any thoughts on how to make this better? Suggestions for the future?

I hope you all enjoyed reading his as much as I enjoyed writing it. Keep an eye out for more of my writing in the future.