Alien Vision
Smash Ace
- Joined
- Apr 25, 2011
- Messages
- 906
Link to original post: [drupal=4569]I'm not afraid of the darkness, I'm afraid of myself.[/drupal]
First, I would like to explain that I am serious about everything I say in this post, and I do wish to see mature responses. If I see a response even close to insignificant--I will ignore it. I am writing this OP to reach out to those who can understand what it's like when something in our mind won't let us escape something as much as we would want to. I want to have a broader idea on what I am dealing with, aswell as some others ideas I'm currently pondering over, and what you personally think regarding it.
Secondly, I will bring up a small series of problems that bother me, and I'm curious if you know anyone, or experience these problems yourselves. You also must know that nightmares and night terrors are completely two different things: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Night_terror
The seriousness in what I'm currently writing started last night. I'm beginning to realise how much my mind is really imprisoning me from being able to do certain things in this reality. My lightbulb blew out yesterday, and I decided to try to brave the darkness that very night to no avail after sleeping for months with the light on after my terrible ring of night terrors messing up my sanity. I was lying on my couch mustering up all of my strength to fight my mind's illusions at 10P.M--even when I know nothing is there; when I don't believe in ghosts/demons/et cetera--the room still closed in on me, I heard a disembodied voice calling my name with muddled depth, I kept seeing these twisted images, I felt like I was going to get grabbed, I kept seeing this black figure in my mind with an alien/raptor like face with very sharp teeth. I then muttered something while feeling my monotory heart beat: ''I'm not afraid of the darkness, I'm afraid of myself''. At that moment I've realised that I am scared of what is lurking inside of me that was given life by my years of bottling things up, years of ignorance, years of frustration, chaos, being severed from hope; while inducing blind disdain, fake personalities, denial of confusion, and trying to hide my real emotions underneath it all.
I've become ignorant to my ignorance beyond any line of false perception. My night terrors had become a constant reminder of how much I really burden--in my life--that I try to ignore. It doesn't matter how much I try to ignore it, it has this strange power over me that isn't fear, or horror. It's a feeling of a thousand burdens. You would ask yourself: ''How can an illusion become a realistic problem?'' I would then ask you: ''How can something like our squishy organ allow us to interact with this world with endless flexibility?''.
All of the negativity in our lives builds up like dust bunnies in our computer. If we don't clean out the ducts, the computer starts corrupting. Tiny particles can become a monstrocity if left neglected. This is what it feels like, and this is what I think it is in the end. I cannot figure out what else can create such creative destruction the way our minds can.
I have a series of problems that only I can ever fully comprehend through feeling, rather then it's origin. People will either relate to it, or not. Alot of us are forced to deal with things that we are prone to be ignorant of because of how mysterious, and how much this world has for us to discover, and still yet to be undiscovered when our time is up. I like to think of us as trees. We grow in many different forms, we branch out in many different ways, we change according to the seasons, we are underground as a child, and as we age--we start to break through the surface to see the light. Some of us block out the light, some of us are barely noticable, but in the end--we all have come from a seed, and our own seperate journeys. We are all stuck in an non-advancing, perpetual reality to our roots since the very beginning.
I just want to reach out to everyone on the sincerity of this OP, and how serious this really is when it comes to sincerity of these words. There are people out there who are lost, and are plagued with problems that are either not taken seriously, or just can't be understood without time, and dedication with a bit of luck. Our rationality, and morality will never compare to the fear and silent flames people are forced to be imprisoned by. Can you imagine what it's like to not have answers? To not know a complete answer to what causes us our pain? Knowing there is possibly no way to escape it in the end, and be forced to live with it for eternity? Knowing that we are the only ones who can ever possibly fully fathom it because we possess it personally. People can only try to understand and that's it. People can't crawl in our heads. We are all forced to be our own warriors when we're stuck, and don't know what to do. Everything around us is a catalyst that gives us hope, and strength to keep going forward regardless of these mental chains that try to keep us in place. What if we become numb to all of this? Ask yourselves when you see people try to open up about themselves in a ''emo'' way, and we aren't able to take them as seriously as we should--what goes through their heads when people aren't able to relate to their torture they are consumed by; may it be little. Things can flare up if we are ignorant of the problem. If we deem something simple, you quickly realise that sometimes they can end up rising to a situation that can become the worst moment in your life. E.g a kid doesn't cry until he sees the blood oozing out of his cut.
So I ask you to please be mature about this, and respond accordingly. You don't know my life. You can only assume things about me. I am writing this for everyone that can relate to not understanding their problems, and the world they live in. I know my mind is still inconsistent, and I jump to many different things. I do try really hard to keep it together. You can't fix what you don't understand. Fear of not knowing how to resolve a problem has become a major problem that (I personally think) people take too lightly. I think our minds are very complicated, and not knowing how to solve a problem that brings us discomfort will eat away at us like mental vultures. Or like in my night terrors: The death buzzard is all of the negative things that you are oblivious to, and it eats away at your brain. You can ignore the last bit.
Anyways. I hope you like what you've read. If you don't understand something, do not hesitate to ask. If you see anything that is excess, makes no sense, or I didn't give enough detail. Don't hesitate to tell me.
I want to improve.
First, I would like to explain that I am serious about everything I say in this post, and I do wish to see mature responses. If I see a response even close to insignificant--I will ignore it. I am writing this OP to reach out to those who can understand what it's like when something in our mind won't let us escape something as much as we would want to. I want to have a broader idea on what I am dealing with, aswell as some others ideas I'm currently pondering over, and what you personally think regarding it.
Secondly, I will bring up a small series of problems that bother me, and I'm curious if you know anyone, or experience these problems yourselves. You also must know that nightmares and night terrors are completely two different things: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Night_terror
Concept 1: Why this OP was written. Problems that aren't easy to understand, and leading up to Concept 2.
The seriousness in what I'm currently writing started last night. I'm beginning to realise how much my mind is really imprisoning me from being able to do certain things in this reality. My lightbulb blew out yesterday, and I decided to try to brave the darkness that very night to no avail after sleeping for months with the light on after my terrible ring of night terrors messing up my sanity. I was lying on my couch mustering up all of my strength to fight my mind's illusions at 10P.M--even when I know nothing is there; when I don't believe in ghosts/demons/et cetera--the room still closed in on me, I heard a disembodied voice calling my name with muddled depth, I kept seeing these twisted images, I felt like I was going to get grabbed, I kept seeing this black figure in my mind with an alien/raptor like face with very sharp teeth. I then muttered something while feeling my monotory heart beat: ''I'm not afraid of the darkness, I'm afraid of myself''. At that moment I've realised that I am scared of what is lurking inside of me that was given life by my years of bottling things up, years of ignorance, years of frustration, chaos, being severed from hope; while inducing blind disdain, fake personalities, denial of confusion, and trying to hide my real emotions underneath it all.
I've become ignorant to my ignorance beyond any line of false perception. My night terrors had become a constant reminder of how much I really burden--in my life--that I try to ignore. It doesn't matter how much I try to ignore it, it has this strange power over me that isn't fear, or horror. It's a feeling of a thousand burdens. You would ask yourself: ''How can an illusion become a realistic problem?'' I would then ask you: ''How can something like our squishy organ allow us to interact with this world with endless flexibility?''.
Concept 2: Simplicity is mere complexity.
All of the negativity in our lives builds up like dust bunnies in our computer. If we don't clean out the ducts, the computer starts corrupting. Tiny particles can become a monstrocity if left neglected. This is what it feels like, and this is what I think it is in the end. I cannot figure out what else can create such creative destruction the way our minds can.
I have a series of problems that only I can ever fully comprehend through feeling, rather then it's origin. People will either relate to it, or not. Alot of us are forced to deal with things that we are prone to be ignorant of because of how mysterious, and how much this world has for us to discover, and still yet to be undiscovered when our time is up. I like to think of us as trees. We grow in many different forms, we branch out in many different ways, we change according to the seasons, we are underground as a child, and as we age--we start to break through the surface to see the light. Some of us block out the light, some of us are barely noticable, but in the end--we all have come from a seed, and our own seperate journeys. We are all stuck in an non-advancing, perpetual reality to our roots since the very beginning.
I just want to reach out to everyone on the sincerity of this OP, and how serious this really is when it comes to sincerity of these words. There are people out there who are lost, and are plagued with problems that are either not taken seriously, or just can't be understood without time, and dedication with a bit of luck. Our rationality, and morality will never compare to the fear and silent flames people are forced to be imprisoned by. Can you imagine what it's like to not have answers? To not know a complete answer to what causes us our pain? Knowing there is possibly no way to escape it in the end, and be forced to live with it for eternity? Knowing that we are the only ones who can ever possibly fully fathom it because we possess it personally. People can only try to understand and that's it. People can't crawl in our heads. We are all forced to be our own warriors when we're stuck, and don't know what to do. Everything around us is a catalyst that gives us hope, and strength to keep going forward regardless of these mental chains that try to keep us in place. What if we become numb to all of this? Ask yourselves when you see people try to open up about themselves in a ''emo'' way, and we aren't able to take them as seriously as we should--what goes through their heads when people aren't able to relate to their torture they are consumed by; may it be little. Things can flare up if we are ignorant of the problem. If we deem something simple, you quickly realise that sometimes they can end up rising to a situation that can become the worst moment in your life. E.g a kid doesn't cry until he sees the blood oozing out of his cut.
So I ask you to please be mature about this, and respond accordingly. You don't know my life. You can only assume things about me. I am writing this for everyone that can relate to not understanding their problems, and the world they live in. I know my mind is still inconsistent, and I jump to many different things. I do try really hard to keep it together. You can't fix what you don't understand. Fear of not knowing how to resolve a problem has become a major problem that (I personally think) people take too lightly. I think our minds are very complicated, and not knowing how to solve a problem that brings us discomfort will eat away at us like mental vultures. Or like in my night terrors: The death buzzard is all of the negative things that you are oblivious to, and it eats away at your brain. You can ignore the last bit.
Anyways. I hope you like what you've read. If you don't understand something, do not hesitate to ask. If you see anything that is excess, makes no sense, or I didn't give enough detail. Don't hesitate to tell me.
I want to improve.
. I respect any kind of fear, I don't care how stupid it may sound to some people. A fear is a fear. I am glad you are still able to get some sleep regardless of your own experiences. Lucky you. I am guessing I let something inside me roam for too long and it became too big for me to handle. 