"Everything was a either a nice read or spotdodge. At first what he said bore slight relevance to the thing being commented on but it later diverged into nonsense," Ryan recalls. "People were concerned at first, then annoyed, and then self-loathsome, even to the point where some were even questioning the nature of existence right then and there."
According to eyewitnesses, they could hear Ed softly whispering in their ears statements like "nice backair" but before they could turn around to see who it was, he had already disappeared. Ryan said it only got worse.
Ed was apparently even harassing couples in the theater by saying that 'they weren't a good match up'.
"That's not even the bad part. At one point Ed started rambling off Tafo-esque stats of the likelihood that at least one person in the theater would develop coronary heart disease in the future. He actually had citations on hand to back it up."
It was at that point that Ryan decided he had gone too far and figured the only way to shut him up was by throat punching him several times. This didn't help.
"When I punched him in the throat he said that wasn't the most optimal place to punch if desiring to inflict the most damage and then he started suggested the spleen for maximum pain."
Eventually, a police officer was called in to calm Ryan and diffuse the situation. Ed however, only worsened the circumstances by inciting the officer's rage.
"He told me that the 'pedestrian-policeman match-up' was 20-80," said the officer. "I didn't know what he meant but judging by the nonsense he was spouting out at the time, I assumed it was an insult aimed towards me. Naturally, I joined his friend in beating him up."
Ed was later detained and is currently awaiting trial. The debacle made international headlines and even some persons of power chimed in on the situation, with Donald Trump somehow relating this to National Security.
Stay tuned on Smashboards to hear about what happens to Ed.
Last edited:
