So the other night I managed to attend what was my first real Melee tournament - all prior experience I had up to then was friendlies, netplay, MMs, etc (I've always been self-conscious about this, but only recently have starting having opportunities). I still have very mixed feelings on the whole thing even after sleeping on it twice, and it's resulted in a lot of questions, some I've been able to answer and some I haven't. I guess I'll start by summarizing:
Objectively speaking, I did "well." I placed 2nd, taking down PR'd players in the area during my run. Subjectively speaking, I played absolutely HORRIBLE, was on autopilot for the entire event, miserable, and steeped in my own anxiety. Tournament lasted about 5 hours, and the only fun I had was entering Smash 4 Doubles with a casual friend of mine and going 0-2 lol, the rest of the time I was too anxious to even play friendlies - between my matches I literally just sat somewhere trying to calm down. By the time I made it to GFs, my mental energy was totally gone, and I went down further from autopilot to grab-spamming panic mode. I took a game, but I had absolutely no will to win.
I'm developing a better understanding of how hard it is to compete when you feel you're putting everything on the line. (I admittedly put a ton of pressure on myself to win because if I couldn't take something like this, how could I make it out of pools at Shine? I tried to alleviate this by telling myself it's okay to fail as long as I make the necessary changes after, but I just couldn't escape how crushing it would be to know I wasn't training hard enough, when I was honestly feeling hella burnt out but still pushing because I wanted it so bad.) At this point I can't imagine how it's possible to play at top level in front of tens of thousands, when I can't keep it together going up against regional threats and a crowd that's a handful of people.
All this said, the event was educational, because I learned a lot about the "out-of-game" stuff I need to work on to be able to handle actual competition. I clearly need to increase the length and frequency of my meditations, working harder on thought substitution, to avoid mentality dips and strengthen my focus (I've already started on this, and I've noticed moving to thought substitution after some breath work feels good). I also need to develop a "Plan B" like you discussed above for when I'm not playing well - I think that's a really good idea, and encourages deeply working out situations in advance so you plan the mixups intelligently, even if you don't execute them that way lol. The anxiety itself is something that afflicts me in plenty of ways beyond just competition, and I'm trying to tackle it from multiple angles, but "solutions" are more wip there.
There's also out-of-game stuff I've been thinking about, but can't come up with satisfactory answers for myself. One is the mental energy thing, where I was losing steam rapidly the minute I got inside, much less started playing; there's a lot of factors in the rapid stamina loss such as anxiety, lack of experience, unhappiness, being around so many people I didn't know, worrying about performance, etc. I can fix some of these things to an extent I suppose, but not all of them, and I wonder if that's necessarily the way I should go about improving my mental energy to begin with. (I find my stamina to be kind of low even in daily Melee/music practice, where I can focus for maybe an hour before I start autopiloting and getting diminishing returns.) I know because of your health issues you lose mental energy rapidly for different reasons than listed, but I know at some point in your career you could relate to these if not now, so maybe you have advice? There's other stuff I can think of, like being uncertain of whether my weak will to win is linked to low mental energy or not but I already have so much here lol, so I'll hold off.
I guess a positive thing I can add at the end here is that I still feel my understanding of how to learn positions is good, since that kind of studying is what carried me through the event. It's definitely hard to learn all the good mixups when you don't have multiple practice partners for each matchup though, I have to think more creatively in my analyses/maybe try playing other characters more? (On that, sorry for not responding to you about the juggle mixups with more specifics. I'm going to, but need to find footage of what I have in mind tonight.)
thanks for reading this wall of text