As I pulled up to the McDonald's drive-thru and gazed at the death-
infested menu which was so obviously responsible for breast cancer,
arthritis, Erik Estrada, racism, and every tragedy in the last 9,000,000
years, I had a change of heart. Instead of my usual "Can I have a #3 combo
with a Coke, please?" I shouted, "Y0 *****! I WANT A **** QUADRO-P0UNDER
W1TH N0 **** VEGETABULZ 0R **** THAT GR0WZ 0N TREEZ!"
"Ok sir, you wanted a Quarter Pounder, just plain, is that correct?"
"N0 *****! I ZED I WANTED A **** QUADR0-P0UNDER! GET IT R1TE 0R DIE!"
I hear quiet laughter through the speaker. "A what pounder?!"
"A **** QUADR0-P0UNDER!"
"Uh... I don't think we have that. Are you sure you don't mean a
Quarter Pounder?"
"N0 I D0N'T MEEN A **** MEEZLY AZZ QUARTUR P0UNDER! HERE'Z WHAT I WANT,
2 **** D0UBLE QUARTER P0UNDERZ PUT T0GETHER 2 MAKE 1 QUADR0-P0UNDER!"
"Ooohhh... you want *2* Double Quarter Pounders then?"
"N0 *****! I WANT 1 **** QUADR0-P0UNDER! TAKE THE 2 D0UBLEZ, PUT THEM
T0GETHUR AND GIV ME 1 QUADR0! U G0T IT YET BRAINIAK?"
An employee peeks out from the back entrance. "Oh! Ok... I think we
can do that. Would you like cheese on that?"
"*** N0 *****! I WANT 4 H0T SLABZ 0F C0W DETH 0N A BUN WITH N0 FUKING
HIPPIE AZZ VEGETABULZ! I ALZ0 D0NT WANT ANY FUKING LAME VEGAN FRIEZ 0R ANY
TYPE 0F RECYKULD PAKAGING. N0 KUP, N0 BAG, N0 WRAPPERZ... PUT THE **** 0N
THE WIND0W K0UNTER THING AND I WILL TAKE IT!"
"Uh...."
"*** IT & GIMME THAT WHICH IZ THE S0URCE 0F ALL EVIL... N0W!"
"Thank you. Please drive to the second window."
For the record, I got my ****ing Quadro-Pounder and it r0cked. I am
faxing McDonald's tomorrow and demanding that this awesome item be
permanently added to every McDonald's menu around the world.
DETH IZ IMMINENT. THE EARTH MUZT DIE. GIVE US WHAT WE WANT 0R BE
PREPARED T0 FACE THE WRATH.