M
+9999999999
I honestly don't care if I look like that bad guy at the end of this, because I'm tired of feeling like **** about the entire disaster that happened at Reloaded. Regardless of whether it needs to be brought up again or not, I need some people to listen so I can clear my own mind and hopefully get over it.
To everyone, that was apparently looking for me when I had left the venue:
Yes, I know that the decision to leave the venue without a mention to anyone about what I was doing or where I was going was undoubtedly poor. However, I do often have problems controlling my emotions, particularly my anger. I'm sure a lot of the scene is unaware of this (even most of NSW) as I do normally tend to try and hide it, which results in myself looking like a very quiet person at times. What happened at this event, while probably not as big an issue to everyone else, was kind of the trigger that threw me over the edge. I wasn't going to be one to risk myself having some sort of fit and attacking someone so yes, I did as many of you seemed to have viewed as "running away from it all".I honestly can't say I'm proud of what actually happened, but I can't really promise it won't happen again in time, as it's been an ongoing problem I've had for a while. Can't expect anyone to forgive me for this, or even understand it. I'm even having to type this in a word document first so I don't end up venting more on the boards, because I am still pretty enraged, not even particularly at this incident anymore. I apologise for my error.
To Shaya:
If there was one thing I could have done differently this weekend, it would have been teaming with you, not to say it wouldn't have been cool to just play some amazingly fun and deep matches like we used to. But if I had not convinced you to team with me in doubles, this extremely ******** misunderstanding would never have happened there. I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you when it happened/after it happened. I felt like all I could do was sit there and watch, bottle everything up, and hope everything would resolve itself. It was wrong of me to just leave you alone after that scene too, and I'm sorry I hung up on you when you were trying to call as well, I didn't want to you to be around at all when I just exploded with anger. I kinda feel that most of your bad experiences that weekend were probably my fault because you were put in a situation you would probably not have ever been in if it weren't for me being myself anyway, so again, I'm sorry for ditching you there.
To Leisha:
I know you really deep down didn't want to leave the venue, and I didn't even ask you to do it, so by doing so I'm sure I ruined your experience too, and I am actually very bummed myself that you didn't play singles either because of me, I didn't want you to get involved at all, and despite the fact you cared enough to ignore what I said and actually stayed my my side, I'm still not happy you got involved. But. Because you helped me that night, and are still right now trying to help me feel better and work all my rage out, I really can't thank you enough, and I can't say how happy I am to actually still have you around at this point. Of course this really isn't exactly news to you because you already know about my pathetic psychological habits, but I'm incredibly sorry you had to experience one of these breakdowns again. At the risk of sounding incredibly stupid right now, I love you, and I'll try to fix things for you.
To Druckey:
Quite sure many people probably weren't even that aware that you attended, and unfortunately it was likely only for a brief time. Still, you have my thanks for giving up your time to find me somewhere to stay that night. I really don't know where I would have ended up, had you not turned up to drag my depressive *** across the city. You didn't deserve to be the one to try and fix this mess in your own way, I'm sorry you even got involved in the first place. You did make it easier to try and forget about things, so I'm happy you did what you did anyway. If you do ever need a place to stay in this area sometime, I'd be happy to try and accommodate.
To Nova:
While you do seem to be banned, I'm sure nothing will prevent you from seeing this. Yes, you may be right about some things. I have some problems containing my emotions. Yes, it's happened before and will likely eventually happen again. But nothing, and nothing at all gives you the right to touch on my personal life in the way that you did (post got deleted I think). I know we've never probably seen eye to eye or warmed up to each other the best. But I have never once done anything to act against you (up until now, I guess), yet you feel it's necessary to bring private matters that basically have little to do with the situation into this. All I really needed at all, was acknowledgement that things went down wrong on your end impacting my trip. Never happened. Sorry for holding a bracket...
To South Australia:
I'm very sorry about my behaviour at your event. What I may have done was reckless and would have probably impacted on everyone's experience as a whole. The one thing I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for, would be that fact that I made what would have been SA's biggest and best tournament a fair bit worse.
I feel this is all I have to get off my chest at this point. I'm sure it's not addressing everything that happened, but in my condition, it's all I fell I can manage. I'm going to leave the boards for a while, because its apparent I need help. Probably time to look up the old therapist. If anyone still wants to talk to me feel free to do so away from the boards, if all this looks like a heap of ****, sorry you read it.
To everyone, that was apparently looking for me when I had left the venue:
Yes, I know that the decision to leave the venue without a mention to anyone about what I was doing or where I was going was undoubtedly poor. However, I do often have problems controlling my emotions, particularly my anger. I'm sure a lot of the scene is unaware of this (even most of NSW) as I do normally tend to try and hide it, which results in myself looking like a very quiet person at times. What happened at this event, while probably not as big an issue to everyone else, was kind of the trigger that threw me over the edge. I wasn't going to be one to risk myself having some sort of fit and attacking someone so yes, I did as many of you seemed to have viewed as "running away from it all".I honestly can't say I'm proud of what actually happened, but I can't really promise it won't happen again in time, as it's been an ongoing problem I've had for a while. Can't expect anyone to forgive me for this, or even understand it. I'm even having to type this in a word document first so I don't end up venting more on the boards, because I am still pretty enraged, not even particularly at this incident anymore. I apologise for my error.
To Shaya:
If there was one thing I could have done differently this weekend, it would have been teaming with you, not to say it wouldn't have been cool to just play some amazingly fun and deep matches like we used to. But if I had not convinced you to team with me in doubles, this extremely ******** misunderstanding would never have happened there. I'm sorry I wasn't able to help you when it happened/after it happened. I felt like all I could do was sit there and watch, bottle everything up, and hope everything would resolve itself. It was wrong of me to just leave you alone after that scene too, and I'm sorry I hung up on you when you were trying to call as well, I didn't want to you to be around at all when I just exploded with anger. I kinda feel that most of your bad experiences that weekend were probably my fault because you were put in a situation you would probably not have ever been in if it weren't for me being myself anyway, so again, I'm sorry for ditching you there.
To Leisha:
I know you really deep down didn't want to leave the venue, and I didn't even ask you to do it, so by doing so I'm sure I ruined your experience too, and I am actually very bummed myself that you didn't play singles either because of me, I didn't want you to get involved at all, and despite the fact you cared enough to ignore what I said and actually stayed my my side, I'm still not happy you got involved. But. Because you helped me that night, and are still right now trying to help me feel better and work all my rage out, I really can't thank you enough, and I can't say how happy I am to actually still have you around at this point. Of course this really isn't exactly news to you because you already know about my pathetic psychological habits, but I'm incredibly sorry you had to experience one of these breakdowns again. At the risk of sounding incredibly stupid right now, I love you, and I'll try to fix things for you.
To Druckey:
Quite sure many people probably weren't even that aware that you attended, and unfortunately it was likely only for a brief time. Still, you have my thanks for giving up your time to find me somewhere to stay that night. I really don't know where I would have ended up, had you not turned up to drag my depressive *** across the city. You didn't deserve to be the one to try and fix this mess in your own way, I'm sorry you even got involved in the first place. You did make it easier to try and forget about things, so I'm happy you did what you did anyway. If you do ever need a place to stay in this area sometime, I'd be happy to try and accommodate.
To Nova:
While you do seem to be banned, I'm sure nothing will prevent you from seeing this. Yes, you may be right about some things. I have some problems containing my emotions. Yes, it's happened before and will likely eventually happen again. But nothing, and nothing at all gives you the right to touch on my personal life in the way that you did (post got deleted I think). I know we've never probably seen eye to eye or warmed up to each other the best. But I have never once done anything to act against you (up until now, I guess), yet you feel it's necessary to bring private matters that basically have little to do with the situation into this. All I really needed at all, was acknowledgement that things went down wrong on your end impacting my trip. Never happened. Sorry for holding a bracket...
To South Australia:
I'm very sorry about my behaviour at your event. What I may have done was reckless and would have probably impacted on everyone's experience as a whole. The one thing I don't think I'll ever forgive myself for, would be that fact that I made what would have been SA's biggest and best tournament a fair bit worse.
I feel this is all I have to get off my chest at this point. I'm sure it's not addressing everything that happened, but in my condition, it's all I fell I can manage. I'm going to leave the boards for a while, because its apparent I need help. Probably time to look up the old therapist. If anyone still wants to talk to me feel free to do so away from the boards, if all this looks like a heap of ****, sorry you read it.
